My recovery diary

Just a brief update as I haven't been on here awhile, I am in a better mental health state than I have been but I have also had a big relapse over the last month. I don't want any sympathy or tough love. I know what I need to do. It's just the getting there part, only I can do that. 

Lou 

X

Exhausted and skint I've been off work, the gambling has affected me in terms of being able to go back. I'm drained. I need to stop before I dig an even bigger hole. I've also spent my rent money, tried taking loans out the usual.

I need to stop I've asked to be referred for ccbt just awaiting to see if its a possibility 

Lou x 

Hi Lou xxx as u say u know all the advice so I won't try and give any..... Just wanted to say welcome back and if u need anything just shout ...... Look forward to seeing u in chat again xxx all the best adam

I never learn..

So I got the bank to break my fixed savings account when I was skint..felt relieved..I paid my rent off.

But what have I done with the rest..gambled.

Even though I still have 6 defaults that are all paid but remain on credit file I managed to get a credit card which I'm solely using for food petrol. (Only because I can't gamble with it).

Then what do I do ? Take out an unaffordable payday loan that has about £300 in interest. I know it's stupid I have been through this all before. I then won some money so I could have just given the loan back. But no I get excited and gamble more hoping for a win.

So payday next week I really need to make some sensible choices. You can return loan within 14 days. I really need to pay this back next week. Because realistically I know I will end up struggling to make repayments but I just seem to be wearing my silly hat.

I feel sick when loosing all money then relieved when I have money to gamble with but then stupid because I know the damage especially of payday loans.

I had just come off stepchange made savings and now I've done this. I don't want no sympathy as I knew the consequences but that addicted side is desperate to gamble and keeps hoping. 

I need to sort this before i make it worse. I get paid next Thursday I really need to focus on returning that loan. I can't believe I I accepted with 6 defaults on my file. But I lied on the form and the usual said its not for gambling. Warning to anyone reading this payday loans are really dangerous and harmful I really should have learnt my lesson.

The gambling I enjoy one min then the next I feel sick and worried. But not about how am I going to afford anything else I feel anxious or sad that I won't be able to gamble. 

It's such an unhealthy roller coaster. I don't want to go into the new year broken.

Lou x 

Hi Lou it is so hard I hope you get back on track soon gamcare are here for you 

scotty??

When would any win ever be enough to stop? U said you won? But then wanted to win so carried on? But you'd already won ? U were there? 

This is the prime example of how or mind works........ We never win

I hope u stop before it's back to square one with two years worth of debt to repay whilt feeding urself little and spending next to nothing on living......

Tough advice to get but thought it might shock u into realisation....

All the best Adam xxx

Hi Lou, 

Really sorry to read your diary. It’s just so hard. Unless we have every block possible in place there’s always a high chance of a relapse. 

I wanted to say, I completely “get” your comment about not being upset and anxious about not being able to buy food etc. But feeling anxious about the fact you can no longer gamble. That’s totally me!

Best of luck in getting back on the right track,

Tizzy xxx

Hi Lou,

I can sympathise with your recent predicaments. Like you i felt lost when long term gf and debt was paid off. 

In reality we had arrived at the end and the onward journey fills us with dread.

I was in a poor place at the time. Alcohol overtook gambling and i was not in a good place addiction wise.

Passing on strength and best wishes

Kindest Regards x

Not a great start to the year relapsed end of last year.

Broken and tired drowning in debt again.

Tried to write down some of my debts to workout how much I owe how I can pay off etc but there doesn't feel much hope right now. I havent paid rent or bills this month I owe multiple lenders/ people

I can't even think right now I don't want to think. Only time I felt able to even look at debts was 8pm but then debtline etc are all close by that time.

I just feel in so much trouble financially and now I can't deal with it mentally.

I should have known better before relapsing this time and when I did I should have known how it was gonna end but nope everytime I convince myself I can win it back and everything will be okay

Well it's really not 

Lou x

Lou.. sorry to hear about the situation in which you find yourself. I have been there many times and I understand.

re your current financial situation. When you feel strong enough, you simply ring up your creditors, you say you have a gambling problem, you say you are behind with priority payments re rent. They will freeze your account and stop interest. Unsecured debts are nothing to worry about, they can wait. Your priority is getting into an arrangement re rent.

Your not gonna win your money back. You only gamble now to escape the consequences of previous gambling and how you are feeling. You can't win because you can't stop.

You will be ok. Your not alone.

Hello lou. I’m really inactive on here nowadays but I looked you up and read the last few pages of this diary. How have things been going recently