My recovery diary

Posted by: Loux

Reading about other people at the start there journey to stop helps remind me why I don't want to relapse.

It also helps giving advice to others from past experience to also remind myself.

Lou x 

I feel like this too Lou, seeing newbies recently who just cannot last a few days and the damages they are subjecting themselves too by not stopping really spur me on to not ever want to be in that position again. We have come to far now to throw the towels in, and sadly others misfortunes is what will spur us on. X

318 days gamble free..

I feel like I've come to grips with not gambling, debt free.

Just wish I could sort the rest of my life out. Struggling with basic daily tasks. Feel like I'm struggling to get on top of things. That in itself is getting me down.

If I've managed to stop gambling gambling be debt free why can't I get to grips and sort other things ?‍♀️ if I were to mess up and gamble I'd be in a really bad place at least it's one less stress not accumulating debts and wondering how to pay next month's bills just need to remember that

Lou x

I feel I may have been a bit harsh to someone tonight. Not intentional I feel I was pushing because I want people to experience what it's like to be in recovery and how it feels to be on track with debts. I know there's help out there for everyone and sometimes you just wish people could see it.

But at the same time you don't know how fragile someone could be and it's important they feel understood and supported not just told what to do.

I myself have been in the situation where I feel misunderstood, pushed or there is no way out of the mess.

I just want people to see hope but at the same time I don't want to push anyone to an isolated place where they can't even talk about it without people saying do this do that so I am sorry

Recovery is not an easy journey at all

Lou x 

Hi,

Being brutally honest isn't being harsh. We been around long enough to know it ain't an easy journey. I think people who come here probably had enough of being lied to, like the gambling industry kidding them they're gonna find an easy money income scheme by simply depositing £20.

Al

hi lou,

I've looked into it and once gamstop is inplace its in place forever unless you phone the and get it cancelled.  i know in the midst of it all we could potentially ring to cancel it but im sure they would give a cooling off period to think about our actions.

Im going to ring them before i move into my flat to change my address details and add another 5 years onto mine to make sure that over the next five years in my flat i cant gamble when i get a fleeting urge (as will all do).

I hope you do to.

All the best Adam xx

Also before I gamble I would condsider what my parents thought of me doing so.....they would think its a huge waste of money.....money that could be spent on soo many greater things.....  We are also ur family Lou on gamcare so please when u think about cancelling that gamstop on that day u ring gamstop think of us, ur money....and everything good about not making that phone call....u thought how sad u would feel if I gambled it works the same for all of us on here.....just like when Stace left again u hope that she is OK.....hope this helps Adam xxxx

Thanks for posting on my diary both. I appreciate your comments. 

I'm still waiting for stepchange to contact me back about my plan finishing but I guess they do get a lot of emails to work through.

Gamstop I'll have to sort nearer the time, I have no intentions of gambling and I am covered for now but at least it has been raised with them about wanting to extend the blocks early.

Had a thought (not intention)about gambling new years eve !! Ages away to be worried about that but it's always a night I struggle with but how rubbish would that feel the next day ! I will have to find a different coping method. 

Pop on chat in evenings that helps in keeping me on track it's great sometimes and it's great to be able to offer advice and support from experience but there's only so much you can give sometimes rest is up to the individual, it can be frustrating at times. But I need to focus on my recovery. I'm finally pleased how far I've come.

It's just typical I pay off my gambling debt early then have a financial assessment for means tested support I would have been better not paying it so early. But I'm still glad because I did it!

There's lot of things in my life I still struggle with on a daily basis but if I stay gamble free I can at least try and work on them. It's not easy but the only way to try and make things better is to put the effort it. 

Lou x

P.s my heart is with anyone affected in Afghanistan right now its heart breaking. If only there was more love and peace in the world 

Staying gamble free, but been having lots of thoughts around it lately not necessarily urges but just lots going through my head. Its been over 11 months since I relapsed on a casino site. Everyday still feels a struggle to keep going and try make positive little steps with setbacks. Feels like 1 step forward 3 steps back lately. 

Lou x 

Update 

In a bad place lately, still gamble free, cancelled my gambling clinic appt this week no intention on gambling, I'm just at a really low point

Lou

Morning lou.

When things are bad, we kind of go into ourselves, stop speaking to others, cancels apps, but it doesn't really help. Cancelling appointments won't help, your stopping yourself having support,  even if its just abit of support. You know how I've suffered with my mental health, I've been in some terribly dark places, but I've learnt that pushing people away won't help. How can others help if we push them away. Even if you don't feel up to it, just push through and stuvk to your appointments.  I'm actually making myself do things I wouldn't normally do, and honestky it's helping to lift me out of my dark hole I'm in. I'm surprised to be honest, didn't think it would help but it is.

Hope you feel better soon

Stace

Wasn't nice seeing you struggl so much in chat. Please consider using shout. If you don't already know its a text messaging service for people struggling. You might find them very helpful. There open 24/7 and are very good. I've been that low so many times, the last time making me realise how much I do want to live. All anyone wants is a happy life, and you'll look back on this time in your life and be thank full that your still here. Have hope..and really try shout, it could help you. 

Stace

Hi,

I'm trying to look at your recent posts & trying hard not to judge. You made a comment on last nights chat saying people don't understand MH problems, I actually think they do, if we allow them access to our inner most thoughts no matter how dark. Cancelling appointments with highly trained people really isn't the answer. There are many on here who suffer the same withdrawal symptoms, the same feelings of guilt and a feeling of isolation being alone with their problems.

CGs are experts at working against those who want to help us rather than working with them. Reach out, open up, share your problems especially with those who have been trained to help addicts repeating the same destructive behaviour. I still hate going out, socialising & mixing with others, however the time I spend alone isn't wasted on thoughts of gambling. A simple crossword, wordsearch ( none of which I'm good at ) helps relieve the urges. I still have problems, but I realise that there's always someone worse off than me.

Best

Al

Thanks for the posts but I haven't just been cancelling appointments I do keep ones I can get with mh workers i only cancelled the gambling clinic one because I can't concentrate on working with them whilst I'm this low, they are there to help me with gambling recovery and relapse prevention not depression.

I'm getting a call tomorrow and should have an appointment for my mental health.

I only have 2 appts left with gambling clinic and when they are their to help with the gambling and work on that its wasteful to even speak to them in this way when I can't engage because of my head, it was actually a sensible decision because I hadn't even had chance to go through her worksheets yet

Lou x 

Hi,

Depression is awful, painful & makes us feel isolated. Push on, resist and keep telling yourself you can beat this. No matter how bad things seem at the moment trust me gambling can make it so much worse.

Stay Strong

Al

353 days gamble free, despite everything else and how I'm feeling, I haven't gambled which shows the effort I have put into my recovery.

Im struggling a lot the last few days (not with gambling) but I havent used any of my struggles as a reason to start gambling again. 

The gambling clinic I purely use for relapse prevention if I felt I was going to relapse I would have used that appointment then but it's best to be able to read and work through the support given to you. I will still get my 2 sessions but I'd rather choose to use them when they can be utilised the most.

For now I just need get through each day as it comes 

Lou x