My recovery diary

Well done so much for your 301 days thats amazing

I understand the yearning to gamble this week ive really wanted to gamble but the most important thing is to remember why you stopped. I think of the pain the debt and the illness is casued me. Dont let your brain trick you..because just one more go or thinking you can control it would just escalate into disaster and would leave you financially worse off. My last relapse i thought id be sensible have a go and set limits but its impossible i ended up out of contril again big mistake.

As much as the yearning for it dont think of gambling as a way to make money think of it as its mostly likely to ruin everything.

Its great your thinking of other ways to make money it could be simple things writing out a budget for the week and sticking to it. That can save penny's..buying cheaper products..is their anything you dont need you could sell on ebay ?.

Id love to see you reach further in your goal and tracker..and all the best for your baby and holiday this year something to save pennies towards ? 

Lou 

Hi Lou, I hope you don't mind me reposting this to you but it came up because the poster of the diary has updated their diary and I seen you was the last person to reply from to them in February . I wanted to share  it just so you can reread what you put because it will put into perspective how you feel your brain was trying to trick you. Take your advice  Dont let it win, you have got this ??

Thanks secret,

Tired today but I've tried to distract a little I don't normally watch tv/ films can't normally concentrate but watched some of that new chernobyl film on Netflix earlier to try and ease some andiety.

Then been out with a mh worker for a little..I didn't really buy much as I was overwhelmed and anxious but it makes a change to get out. I even realised when we was talking that gambling thought had cropped up. 

A lot of my gambling thoughts is when I'm overwhelmed

Tired now and getting an early night. I've not gambled and won't tonight.

Lou x 

Well done, Lou - you are doing just great x

Hi Lou,

Ooh we had a watch of that the other day! I love box sets, not watched much past month or so though with the Euros and now the Olympics on, love watching them. I'm usually the type where ill binge watch  different series over a month or so and then can go a while before I do it again lol.

I'm glad to hear you went out for a little bit, encouraging steps. Will that be a regular thing with a MH Worker. Also great that you are familiarising when your gambling thoughts appear and hopefully you can work on a strategy to prevent these or at least keep yourself busy during them.

I'm pleased you have not gambled tonight, I know deep down you really don't want to ignite that fire again, but I also know from experience with my mum that she can easily go into self destruction mode when she doesn't feel supported.

Love Kate x

hi louxxxx

Great to hear you getting the support from your mh worker and getting out at the same time.

All the best Adamxxx

boom congrats again lou xxxxx

Debt free...

Lots to update on but for now I'm finally after a few years of being with stepchange I have managed to pay off my debts early after chipping extra in each month. 

I have been in Debt for years and desperate to be Debt free but now it feels slightly overwhelming as I have had that control each month of being strict and sending that money to stepchange.

309 days gamble free.. when I say gamble free I have done some raffles (not ideal nor recommended) however in relation to my problem gambling where I maxed out loans and spent all hours on gambling sites I guess I'm doing well gambling wise.

I just need to be careful with raise prevention now as I don't feel 'recovered' I feel it will always be recovery.

Lou x

Hi Lou,

Thanks for your message, albeit it was on Captain’s diary! 

I take on board what you said. I completely understand some of my words could be a trigger for others. I think when typing on Captains diary I forget anyone and everyone can read it. 
Well done on your own journey Lou. You have done amazing and I’m really genuinely pleased you’re out of debt ❤️
I hope work is better for you now! 
Tizzy xxx

Thankyou @Tizzy 

Took persistence and paying off as much extra debt as could Stepchange really helped I think I would have been in such a worse  mess without that, gamstop and the gamchange course helped too. Will be a year free from my form problem gambling in October 

Hope your recovery is going well

Lou x 

Well done on 310 days Lou, your smashing it. Nice to see you doing well lately, it gives me the same satisfaction seeing others succeed as much as it does myself.  Keeping being you and keeping smashing these achievements ? 

Thankyou secret

Tonight I've been thinking way too much about everything..past present future. But I always convince myself I miss gambling. But I don't miss it. Its not just the losses the time you spend on it can make you feel ill, the adrenaline spikes then the crashing down. The constant anxiety afterwards about how your going to cope and pay bills.

Now if I buy the odd raffle ticket I feel guilty..I'm not into the lottery at all but I wouldn't even want a ticket I hate the thought of gambling now. There will always be urges but I just have to remember how it ends up and not be complacent because on my relapse last year I had convinced myself I wouldn't let it get out of control but it did and its not even worth risking that.

Lou x

Hi Lou... I just saw that SB was upset, so thought i'd offer some thoughts. We have been posting to each other for years. I certainly didn't think that you were causing a row etc. In fact I don't know what was originally said or by whom so I should have kept my trap shut really 🙂

I agree with your comments above by the way. For me I become really quite unwell when am on a gambling frenzy.

All the best with your on-going recovery. 

312 days had a slight wobble this evening, I haven't gambled just one of them nights.

I had a fairly positive day however I went to the pharmacy my meds arnt right which will effect me getting sleep tonight. I always used to be up gambling all night..although it left you feeling ill after a while. I also had one of my main bills bounce x2 today I didn't have enough money in that account as it was more than double what I expected. I also tried to get some milk and few bits from the shop and that didn't work out. 

It's like more bad memories of gambling because that's how used to leave you struggling short money guess its a reminder. But at the same time with the stress feeling tonight I wish I had something to turn too.

I spoke to an advisor that's helped me calm down and  think more logically. 

Just a bad evening but at least I had a fairly positive day

Lou xX

Hi Lou

Further to chat last night, I've now read the exchanges you had on another diary and I can understand why you were upset. Best to just forget about it and avoid that diary. You were just being objective and supportive which I appreciate. You are one of the most supportive people on here, despite having your own challenges. 

You are doing great, keep up the good work and stay focused on making it to one year gamble free and beyond.

Captain 

Reading about other people at the start there journey to stop helps remind me why I don't want to relapse.

It also helps giving advice to others from past experience to also remind myself.

Lou x