My recovery diary

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 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Not much to update except I'm surviving but don't feel like I'm living..at least I'm not gambling I guess..even though at times I know if I had access I probably would give into temptation so that's the blockers working I don't even try to get around them as I don't want too.

I have been a couple of raffles though and last week I won something it gave me a bit of excitement during a very hard time and I now feel sad about that. 

Lou x

 

 

This post was modified 3 years ago 2 times by Loux
 
Posted : 17th July 2021 6:02 pm
(@adam123)
Posts: 2795
 

Hi lou, yep ur surviving, you're living without gambling and that's a great achievement.  Try to be good to yourself, treat yourself to something as a reward for not gambling each motnh.  I know youre pushing for the gamble free moment and that will come soon i know it..... Then treat yourself to meals out, drinks out, ice creams, etc.....All the simple pleasures you can now afford as you dont gamble...

 

Hope this helps Adam xxx

 

c u on chat later xxx

 
Posted : 18th July 2021 3:31 pm
(@adam123)
Posts: 2795
 

meant to say debt free moment*

 
Posted : 18th July 2021 5:46 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Not long left to go on the debt

I just feel so isolated. I now have money to be able to do things but I don't feel able

I'm upset as atm I'm having to make tiny little goals each day such as just having a wash or eating is an achievement ..normal basic tasks that shouldn't even feel like such a chore and effort. Just scraping through each day.

Today with the weather I've wanted to go out I tried to get dressed and go out but there's so many people out and people going out with families friends partners etc it made me feel so alone and overwhelmed I just went straight back inside I wish I at least had a garden. Its isolating to point where I feel I have noone here but to meet people you need to go out.

I feel so alone trapped.. I get urges because I'm like this..although I want the debt paid off and keeping my blocks just feels a lonely world outside of gambling..even though gambling causes a different kind of loneliness. 

Lou x

 
Posted : 18th July 2021 8:08 pm
(@adam123)
Posts: 2795
 

Glad ur still making these small steps each day to wash, eat, work, etc....... as each day you do and dont gamble ur closer to ur goal of being debt free......once ur debt free you can look at money you have left over each month and put towards maybe somewhere to live with a garden? some drinks in the pub to meet new people? a gym membership to help with being healthy and using the health suite to relax? its all there if you make it to debt free lou?

Maybe none of those float ur boat but im jut saying it opens possibilities for a different life than you are currently used to .

Things change with time because youve put that effort in.....to stop gambling.....its been very tough for all of us on here..... but we are getting there and im hoping this change in finances and life predicament will bring you what you desire from life... as you deserve it......

 

All the best adam xxx

 

This post was modified 3 years ago by adam123
 
Posted : 18th July 2021 8:33 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

I have spent so many days trying to make changes, people myself up, cope etc. 

So being toldyou can only save yourself yes its true..but you need the support and tools

When your battling every single day alone and you feel you have lost support. It makes it feel almost impossible 

Don't ever think I havent tried or put in effort myself because the amount I've battled alone. You have no idea. One min it's reach out for help the next min it's learn to cope alone  

Lou is out. 

 

 
Posted : 25th July 2021 8:53 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Hello Lou.

It is a while since last I posted on your diary but always follow your progress.

Wishing you well for the future. You are a kind and considerate soul and the world would be a better place with more people like you. 

 

Aum ?

 
Posted : 26th July 2021 8:34 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Spent the evening trying find slot sites with free deposits and not covered by blocks. I know it's failing I know it's not helping myself

But it's so hard to deal with this feeling alone.. I've got noone to talk to about it. I found the support was more valuable the first time I ever gamble now it feels almost like eyes rolled contact your gp.

Gp's don't have time atm their so busy, short of drs cant even get urgent appts for medical matters so defo not going to be able to speak to one about how I'm feeling and the gambling. Gambling clinic contacting me in 2 weeks time but that's no good right now.

Been on chatroom but its so hard to explain how you feel and the gambling I havent relapsed but I sort of am, it's so complicated,I feel so alone. There so much going on right now. Gamcare asked if theirs more that can be done to support me I explained thoughts but we will see.

Thankyou for popping by aum

Lou x

 
Posted : 26th July 2021 9:35 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Asked this evening how I could be more supported and told someone be in contact later this evening but I have a feeling that's not gonna happen : ( I hope so because I'm finding it hard to reach out right now but I desperately need support without feeling people are palming me off or pushing me away.

Ironically gambling sites don't do that for the wrong reasons they are always there and encouraging but when your dealing with everything alone this is just the easy path to go down 

Lou x 

 
Posted : 26th July 2021 9:56 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Though urges to gamble may appear right out of the blue

Falsehoods whispered in an ear are certainly not true

They masquerade as a friend with lies sweet as honey

Than twist a dagger in the hearts of those who've lost their money

 

You are in the hearts of your many gamcare friends Lou and we send you our love and best wishes every day.

Aum ?

 
Posted : 26th July 2021 10:47 pm
stevenh60
(@stevenh60)
Posts: 50
 

Hi Lou,

I have to say your recent posts on your diary have humbled me, and this shows exactly why Gamcare is needed.

Sorry if I was a little blunt in the chatroom over the last few days, I've been worried about you and I really want to see you get to a better place. Sometimes my wording isn't as delicate, so apologies for that. 

Please keep reaching out to us on here and in chat, we are all here to support you and I hold you in my thoughts during this. You are a wonderful person Lou.

Best wishes and much love

Steven x

 
Posted : 27th July 2021 10:39 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2956
 

Lou,

 

I'm so sorry you feel unsupported today. Please keep trying all of the avenues and channels that you can.

Your track record for getting through tough days, so far, is 100% 

Use what has helped you in the past. I know it's hard but support isn't always available due to high demand on services. It doesn't mean you don't matter, it just means there are loads of people feeling just as distressed. 

I think at times when you need a lot of support, it's best to try many different organisations. You can text shout on 85258. Samaritans - they will be engaged at times - keep trying. I'm pretty sure there's a 24/7 GA chatroom online too. 

All I know is when I'm in a tailspin, my problem solving isn't good. That part of the brain shuts down. Try to calm your body and your mind down and things will seem more doable. The problem solving will come back online - because you are intelligent and capable. You are never truly helpless. Cut the internet cable with scissors, if you have to! There is always something you can do.

I'm rooting for you xx

 
Posted : 27th July 2021 1:21 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Thankyou all I really appreciate you taking time to come and write on my diary with support. And Steven I dont recall you saying anything that appeared blunt at all so no need to apologise you have only appeared supportive

I am taking a little break from chat this evening to try and reset a littleI've had a lot going on in my head and you will know it makes things that little harder to cope with.

And gambling feels something to turn too when in desperation but at the same time I don't want to gamble.

I've not properly relapsed it's complicated I'm so close and finding sites which I won't mention but with free offers that tempt you in (I know it would lead to more).

It just feels a go to place when I'm like this. I don't want to relapse but I feel desperate for something to turn too. I just thought I would clear it up as people arn't clear if I have relapsed or not I havent but I feel right on the edge and its almost bringing back the trauma dilemma from gambling before and almost knowing how I would feel but also feeling stuck 

 Sorry I havent really been supportive to others lately, I do wish you all the best though 

Lou

Xxx

 
Posted : 27th July 2021 3:44 pm
Secret♡
(@secret-2)
Posts: 192
 

Hi Lou,

Just popping by your diary to say I've been thinking about you and I hope your doing OK.

Did you manage to get a call back? As Freda as said above, organisations are pretty stretched at the moment which doesn't help you when your going through a difficult patch , hopefully you can get the support you need.

Lastly, thanks for clearly up on the gambling front, don't beat yourself up to much about it. Just try use all the tools and past experiences to guide you out of this bad spell.

 

Take care

Kate

 
Posted : 27th July 2021 9:40 pm
 Loux
(@loux)
Posts: 848
Topic starter
 

Thankyou I really appreciate you popping by 

I did manage to speak to someone and they've put some support in place. Yeah covid and isolation etc had really affected other services like Gp's etc. Also having contact a mh worker tomorrow which is good as anxiety is through the roof. Which I think is making me worse in regards to getting overwhelmed with urges to gamble even though I also really don't want too.

I hope your doing well I feel I've not really even asked people how they are lately because I've felt not great myself. Kind of you to come and check in 

Lou

Xxx

 

 

 
Posted : 27th July 2021 11:40 pm
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