When I walked in the recovery program I did not understand my emotional triggers.
When I walked in the recovery program I felt that my addictions controlled my life.
With the help of healthy people the recovery program I would see myself in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
Money was the fuel for my addiction, by taking money from me did not stop me want to escape in other ways, to another addiction or to obsessions.
Healthy people the recovery program helped me understand no matter when my last bet was even if it was ten minutes before the meeting get to a meeting, no matter if I have no money get to a meeting, even if I do not want to talk get to a meeting.
So when I read step one I understood it to read that my life was unmanageable because of my gambling,
That my life was unmanageable because of the lack of money.
In time I understood that my life was unmanageable long before my addictions obsessions or lack of money, my life was unmanageable before I was seven years of age, that due to pains of emotional abuse, that due to pains of physical abuse, that due to pains of abandonment and neglect I had pains and fears that needed to be healed and resolved.
With the help of counselling I was able to peel back the onion and expose more of that hurt child.
After seven years of age things just got much worse.
Today I understand that my control issues were fear based, it also how inadequate and insecure I was with in myself.
To live in fear of going t school and then live in fear of going home was not healthy for me or any one else.
For me I understand that all of my fears were a consequence of pains and painful events in my child hood, I would understand that my unhealthy reaction was not healthy for me.
The consequence of my both levels of fears and large numbers fears were to go in to panic mode and unable to make healthy decisions and unable to make healthy choices.
The consequences of painful trauma in my child hood was to stunt my ability to learn and take in information.
Hence when I left school I had no school qualifications what so ever.
It was important to understand that I needed to take my biggest fear I had and ask myself am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen.
Giving my fear a number was important the highest being ten out of ten.
The reason to take the biggest and highest fear first of all is that once you face that fear it will reduce and as you face each fear the same way your level of fear reduces, your anxiety reduces but more importantly you subconscious unhealthy reactions change so they are not so volatile, anger, hatred, resentments, jealousy envy, vengeance, frustrations, impatience, intolerance, and then person can say that they are at peace with in them self.
The subconscious unhealthy reactions are a kind honesty that the hurt inner child is not healed.
I think that a lot of people got in to marriage with out being at peace with in them self.
The hardest of my subconscious unhealthy reactions was my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My frustrations indicated that did not fully *** the serenity prayer.
By my having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself, I was causing myself pain over and over again.
I am a non religious person and understand that there is a certain sequence in becoming a healthy person.
In my addiction and my obsessions even before then I had got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains.
First of all I needed to abstain from the unhealthy habit in effect exchange every unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit, also give up my finances to a healthier mature person, then to attend meetings on a regular basis.
If a person is fully committed to the recovery it work.
The question how much do I value myself today, how important is my way of living today.
Do I value myself today, do I respect myself today, do I give myself credit myself today, am I patient and tolerant to myself today, do I write down my needs today, do I write down my wants today, do I write down my goals today.
Do I want to be healthy today.
Love and peace to every one
AKA Dave of Beckenham