When I walked in the recovery program I did not understand my emotional triggers.
When I walked in the recovery program I felt that my addictions controlled my life.
With the help of healthy people the recovery program I would see myself in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
Money was the fuel for my addiction, by taking money from me did not stop me want to escape in other ways, to another addiction or to obsessions.
Healthy people the recovery program helped me understand no matter when my last bet was even if it was ten minutes before the meeting get to a meeting, no matter if I have no money get to a meeting, even if I do not want to talk get to a meeting.
So when I read step one I understood it to read that my life was unmanageable because of my gambling,
That my life was unmanageable because of the lack of money.
In time I understood that my life was unmanageable long before my addictions obsessions or lack of money, my life was unmanageable before I was seven years of age, that due to pains of emotional abuse, that due to pains of physical abuse, that due to pains of abandonment and neglect I had pains and fears that needed to be healed and resolved.
With the help of counselling I was able to peel back the onion and expose more of that hurt child.
After seven years of age things just got much worse.
Today I understand that my control issues were fear based, it also how inadequate and insecure I was with in myself.
To live in fear of going t school and then live in fear of going home was not healthy for me or any one else.
For me I understand that all of my fears were a consequence of pains and painful events in my child hood, I would understand that my unhealthy reaction was not healthy for me.
The consequence of my both levels of fears and large numbers fears were to go in to panic mode and unable to make healthy decisions and unable to make healthy choices.
The consequences of painful trauma in my child hood was to stunt my ability to learn and take in information.
Hence when I left school I had no school qualifications what so ever.
It was important to understand that I needed to take my biggest fear I had and ask myself am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen.
Giving my fear a number was important the highest being ten out of ten.
The reason to take the biggest and highest fear first of all is that once you face that fear it will reduce and as you face each fear the same way your level of fear reduces, your anxiety reduces but more importantly you subconscious unhealthy reactions change so they are not so volatile, anger, hatred, resentments, jealousy envy, vengeance, frustrations, impatience, intolerance, and then person can say that they are at peace with in them self.
The subconscious unhealthy reactions are a kind honesty that the hurt inner child is not healed.
I think that a lot of people got in to marriage with out being at peace with in them self.
The hardest of my subconscious unhealthy reactions was my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My frustrations indicated that did not fully *** the serenity prayer.
By my having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was hurting myself, I was causing myself pain over and over again.
I am a non religious person and understand that there is a certain sequence in becoming a healthy person.
In my addiction and my obsessions even before then I had got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains.
First of all I needed to abstain from the unhealthy habit in effect exchange every unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit, also give up my finances to a healthier mature person, then to attend meetings on a regular basis.
If a person is fully committed to the recovery it work.
The question how much do I value myself today, how important is my way of living today.
Do I value myself today, do I respect myself today, do I give myself credit myself today, am I patient and tolerant to myself today, do I write down my needs today, do I write down my wants today, do I write down my goals today.
Do I want to be healthy today.
Love and peace to every one
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Why FEAR being honest?
Is it that we feel that being honest is painful?
If we are honest do we fear being rejected or abandoned?
As a child when ever I was honest I was punished for being honest, hence felt that being honest would be painful
When I speak out for myself am I able to do so from a place of peace.
Love and peace to every one
AKA Dave of Beckenham
My recovery was both slow and long.
I am a non religious person but do embrace spiritual values to become healthier and healthier each day.
I have no need or want to escape people life and situations today.
Twice a week go to a meeting where we share our weekly experience and what we have learned about our self.
No matter when my last bet I am an equal to all people.
The spiritual recovery program was all about healing and understanding that my addictions and obsessions were unhealthy, that my addictions and obsessions were indicators that I was emotionally vulnerable.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I did not want to talk my unhealthy ways, I did not want to talk my the money I lost or how much pain I was in.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program my fears were 10 out of 10, I had lost all faith and hope in myself.
I thought some how money would make me happy, I thought that I loved gambling.
How much time and effort was I willing to invest in to myself and the recovery.
People do not understand that no matter when your last bet was it is important to go to a meeting, no matter if you have no money it is important to go to a meeting, no matter how confident you are it is important to go to a meeting, even if you think and believe you will never gamble again it is important to go to a meeting,.
The spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself.
The spiritual recovery program was going to encourage and nurture me in to making much healthier choices in my life.
The spiritual recovery program was never going to stop me from doing some thing unhealthy that would be my choice.
Made a decision was setting healthy boundaries in my life, Just for today I will not gamble, Just for today I will not smoke, Just for today I will not be angry, Just for today I will not get drunk, Just for today I will not drink and drive, Just for today I will be more motivated in exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Understanding the serenity of knowing I can not change other people, the only person I can change is myself.
Understanding the serenity of knowing the consequences of unhealthy habits is pains fears and frustrations.
Understanding the consequences of unhealthy habits is I no longer feel stupid dumb evil wrong or right, guilt shame regret shame are the pains of my past, the feelings today is pride confidence healthy self esteem, my self worth has increased so much now.
Money was never going to make me happy, money was never going to stop me from my addictions and obsessions.
One day a person said in all honesty he was glad he was a compulsive gambler, because with out the recovery program he would have never found out how unhealthy he was.
One thing I use to say to myself is I want to be normal, since my recovery I have found out that the reference normal person is not very healthy.
Being in the recovery program for so long things that use to scare me now make me laugh, things that use to make me angry now make me laugh.
At one time my wife asked if she could ask me every day if I had gambled, all she wanted from em was to be honest, and so every day she would ask me if I have gambled, I was honest and told her no, well a time came when she no longer asked me if I had gambled.
I asked why she was no longer asked me if I had gambled, she smiled and told em she knew I had not gambled, that I had changed and was not so volatile in my unhealthy mood swings.
The spiritual recovery program was going to stop me gambling, that was going to be my own healthy choice one day at a time.
So like mountain climbers we are tied to each other though our honesty and our sharing, and over time we make healthier choices for our self and for our family.
For every unhealthy habit exchanged in to a healthy habit would make me more productive and use my time more wisely.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program having given up all faith and hope in myself, to today having daily lists of my needs my wants and my goals I achieve more than any other time in my life.
At one time money and gambling were the most important things in my life, today time and relationships are more important than any thing else.
Do I love myself today, do I respect myself today, do I have patience and tolerance for myself today, do I have the choice to be even healthier tomorrow.
By procrastinating I was not being positive and motivated.
Every time I justify my unhealthy failings I am cheating myself.
Every time I escape responsibility for my unhealthy actions and my unhealthy words I am cheating myself.
Dysfunctional behavior blame, justification, lies, bullying manipulation, escaping responsibility are not healthy for me today.
I have found that bullies are very inadequate insecure weak cowards who pick on vulnerable people.
Am I willing to be a victim today, not at all.
Am I willing to be a perpetrator today, not at all.
Am I willing to put even more time and energy in to my recovery today, yes for sure, no doubt about that one.
Mountain climbers work as a team, they are willing to help others, they are willing to help them selves, they are willing to learn and share from healthy experiences.
Love and peace to every one
AKA Dave of Beckenham