Must be horrible being useless

Hello ARM and Welcome.

Yes harsh words but in the context of why they were used, it makes you a better man if you take them on board as a reality check to think about.

One of the worst things about this addition is the rock bottom and strength of those reality checks when they come.

Deep down we all knew they were coming one day though...the shock the upset.... the anger.... the tears. I knew I was on borrowed time in the escape from the reality of it all

It often takes such a rock bottom moment for a gambler to change. This is yours so make this yours. 

I was a secretive gambler and thats because I always  knew it was wrong behaviour and I would not want anyone to catch me out.

If you keep talking about it...surrender and show how willing you are to change it does get better and people will help you.

Forget the trust...Tiny price against an all powerful addiction that was killing us. You will build some pride and self respect slowly if you are honest open and humbled about this.

You do realise whats important and I can tell that by your words. That is a super start on your journey of recovery.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Thank you so much for your reply Joy. Just feels good to be listened to when I know I don’t deserve that.

Last night was really difficult. I was on the receiving end of some deserved harsh truths of the human being I am. As I fed our 9 week daughter I said all the things to my wife she doesn’t want to hear but I meant every word. Only actions matter from now.

I don’t deserve it but she allowed me to go shopping with her today. I want to do this for me, I really have had enough, when my daughter was born I suddenly realised how I’ve wasted my life.

I’m doing this for me, for my well-being but what gives me great incentive of how my family had marriage will benefit.

I love spending time with them, but for too long my thoughts have been ‘I’ll tell her tomorrow’ coz I want one more cuddle in bed or a day with the kids. I’m sick of that feeling, I just want to the husband and father they completely deserve.

This addiction has taken large chunks of my life, I’ve had enough, it won’t be my legacy. It just won’t.

ARM, I also am newly trying to quit  again and have been doing this for many years so I may not have much advice other than, know that you’re not alone in this ....this deadly addiction is what makes us feel like c**P , Do horrible things we would normally never do, etc. I have to believe we are good people with good qualities besides gambling addiction and hopefully we can overcome this together!

Posted by: Jenilee

ARM, I also am newly trying to quit  again and have been doing this for many years so I may not have much advice other than, know that you’re not alone in this ....this deadly addiction is what makes us feel like c**P , Do horrible things we would normally never do, etc. I have to believe we are good people with good qualities besides gambling addiction and hopefully we can overcome this together!

Thanks, Jen.

You’re right. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything horrible in life, like to think I’m the sort who likes to help people, but to keep my gambling a secret and not hurt the ones I love this addiction will make me do horrible things to keep it under the radar trying to get out of it.

I’ve hurt my wife so badly that I’m trying to positive but I’m selfishly broken by it. I do feel so much better that I’m not hurting her anymore. When I goto work I’m earning money not wasting money from now on.

Day 3 tomorrow. 

You're going to have to take the anger and the tears on the chin, I'm afraid. Having been where she is  I can tell you she's angry, resentful and above all scared about what the future holds.

Words and promises won't count for anything. She needs to see action and she needs to continue to see it. You say you've taken steps to end it. Are they as near foolproof  as they can be? No loopholes or backdoors left slightly ajar? Have you investigated online GA meetings and counselling?

I’ve been here before Lethe, I’ve always kept a loophole or loopholes open. This time they’re closed. Salary goes to her, account monitored, credit card monitored, she has my credit report login, I’ve permanently excluded from the site that has continually crushed me. I’ve never permanently excluded from it.

Everyone is different in their gambling, triggers and types of gambling etc but I know the above stops me in my tracks, I don’t do it if I’ll be found out 60 mins later, it doesn’t do it for me like that. I don’t need the quick hit. I just don’t want it anymore. I know it’s just words but those words are very important to me because this time I know that they are true. To others they are just words. They’re not to me.

This will take time, but time is what I need to detox the mind. This time it’s different in that I haven’t maxed out loans and cards etc I have financial goals for next year and I’ll take enormous pride in achieving them. I’m doing it for me because I don’t think I’ve ever set a financial goal and done it.

Sorry Lethe, just saw your bit about support. I’ll continue to write this diary. I went into chat tonight and I’ve sourced the nearest GA meeting. I’m also open to counselling. Would be good to talk about it.

Day 3.

Wife gave me some more deserved home truths at 3am. That’s what I’ve done to her. Constant worry. One thing that resonates is what she said about me hiding it and not knowing in the future if I’m hiding it. We talked about that in the car today, but when everything is going wrong and you hate yourself you have no option but to act as it everything is okay otherwise the mask slips. It’s a horrible existence. She scolded me for acting normal yesterday but I have to stay positive for everyone. I’m gutted inside but staying positive is important for me.

i hate what I’ve done to her. She really is my world, and I’ve torn hers apart.

selfishly I feel positive about the future. I know I stopped this time before I got into really stupid debt, but I can my baby daughter a little happier with myself.

i know I don’t deserve to feel like that.

mug - over and out

@arightmug You are not a mug. You have an addiction which is stronger than you and your willpower. With GA you'll find the support that you need and you'll be able to get on top of this.

Your wife is obviously going through a lot too, and there is no rule book that says that she has to be, act or do anything. Considering your newborn is only two months old she is dealing with the stresses of a new born too.

Invite her to look into Gam-anon, it is the partner/friend side to GA. There she'll be able to also find support and get some understanding of your illness but also to know that she isn't alone in this. As I've mentioned elsewhere, to hear that she's not alone by others in a similar situation could be more beneficial to her than you doing what you're doing. Obviously keep working at it and hopefully at some time in the future she might start forgiving you.

All the info needed for Gam-anon in on the GA and the Gam-anon websites. You might also find that your GA group that you havefound may have a Gam-anon group attached to it.

Good luck

Chris.

Thank you for your reply, Chris. I will forward the information onto her.

Day 4, back at work. Miss my wife. She needs my support mentally and with the baby. I miss her. If I get better and crush this which I will, it’ll be the best thing for me, her and the kids. I’m excited about 2021. We have plans and they will come to fruition.

There is a GA meeting near our home on Tuesday night which I’ll enquire about.

Mug - Over & Out

Hello, you've done the right thing to come clean as gambling thrives on the secrecy of it all. Only bit of advice I can offer is to take steps to put blocks in place with service providers, my problem was online so I signed up to GAMSTOP and it was the best thing I did. I wish you well on your recovery journey.

Thanks Silee for your post and noted.

I often thought about why I’ve done this to my family twice and I think it stems for unhappiness in myself and a situation.

The first time I was separated from my family for reasons I won’t go into but used gambling as a way to be reunited with them.

The most recent slip it was Christmas and I didn’t have a job and felt worthless, I just wanted to contribute.

I’ve realised that however down I am about a situation gambling will make it 100% worse and I’ll lose the one thing that I care about.

Other people feel down about things and don’t do this. It’s pathetic. In future I’ll just talk to my wife instead of trying to be a knight in shining armour who won 100k on a bet who in reality lost his family’s hard earned money.

ive never felt so positive in my life. I’ve never owned my own home because gambling crippled me. I will own my first ever home in 2021, that’s a guarantee.

all of this is only possible due to the support of my wife. I’ve gone through situations in my life that I’ve seen finish much stronger men off, but I was always okay because I felt her, I felt her presence holding my hand. I heard a Michael buble song earlier and the lyrics resonated with me as to how my wife has got me to this stage. Yes I’ve slipped, yes I’ve let her down but I also feel I needed to get to this position to exorcise this demon. She’s got me in the position to finally beat it. Without her I wouldn’t even have the opportunity. Not for one second. I owe her my life.

These were the lyrics:

Range of emotions tonight, but overall my positivity & hope for the future is bright.

My wife has been unbelievably supportive and in those moments when she got the real me again I asked her to help me and boy has she. I’ve told her all the things the addiction didn’t want me to say to help me in the future, I gripped it around the throat and I could feel it wriggling but I squeezed hard on that evil.

Tonight my wife said she believes in me which has given me a huge boost. I signed upto gamblock today, Will goto GA on Tuesday and we are sorting things out tomorrow which will begin the journey to our new house.

The joy our baby girl brings us and me is unbelievable, on the day she was born I swore to her once I was out of the hellhole I would never return. I knew it as soon as she was born. I can only ruin my life and her life by gambling it can never make it better.

Mug - Over and Out