Moving forward

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 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

I am new to this website and I liked the idea of a diary, mostly for accountability. 

I gambled all night on slots and I lost £400. One loss and I chased to win it all back. I lie to myself by telling myself I won't chase my losses but I always do. The endless cycle of guilt and trying to win it back to 'fix' it. It was a night of anxiety and panic.

When I do win anything, I feel good about it, feel good that I got some back. But it is a lie, it all ends up going back trying to chase other losses I had. There is no winning. Just debt, pain and guilt. The guilt is always there, it is unbearable.

A couple of years ago I made the mistake of using a casino offer for £20 cashback. I thought it was harmless but it snowballed. I am not good at switching tasks when I should. I become quite fixated in ways that consume my life. But I never had an issue with gambling before that. I also ended up on a casino with no gambling controls which was the biggest error I made.

My financial situation and debts are not unfix-able, but they will be if I don't stop now.

I feel terrible right now, like nothing will ever get better but I will start feeling better if I do no gamble, regain healthy interests and watch as my finances recover. They will recover soon if I don't gamble and I'll be able to use my money for the things I need to improve my quality of life.

I am here to remind myself of these things and to have a thread to look back on. I am isolated and on my own. I need to find the strength to move forward.

It is 8am and day 1 starts.

 
Posted : 16th August 2022 7:38 am
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Day 1: I spent the morning reading the experiences of family and partners of those with gambling problems. I feel so bad for them having to deal with problem gamblers the way they have. Feeling very thankful my gambling has not hurt anyone other than myself. It could have been much different if I had a partner and did not live alone. All the more reason to get to deal with this now.

 

 
Posted : 16th August 2022 2:14 pm
(@i-want-new-life)
Posts: 1
 

Am new member here i was playing for fun 3 years but last year i lost 10.000euros and after that another hard earned 3.000euros and now i want to quit this never endless circle i want to go back to my old life i lost 2 of my best friends i lost my mother i don't want to lose anymore i just want to be old me and if i win this battle i will try to help another people's who have troubles like me any advice is welcomed wish you all who read this great day 

 
Posted : 16th August 2022 3:45 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hi Kima,

 

Welcome to Gamcare and well done for making first massive step forward admitting you have gambling  problem. As soon as we accept that, we can start putting plans in place of how to remain g free and start recovery.

 

As much as finances  seems to be the main issue to tackle, there is a lot more behind the scenes which you may not see at the minute. It's mental state and urges we get. Get those under control,  start feeling better within yourself and the rest will start coming  together  also.

 

I was also a online  slots addict. Still would  if not blocks if I'm honest because my personal life and mental health is still very much so up and down. ..so please,  secure the access to those sites. Join Gamstop, install gamban or gamblock. Self exclude...all these are truly helpful tools to aid you with arisen urges and trust me, there will be many!

 

What about finding  new hobbies? Maybe even attending  GA rooms may help as shared live experience  can open your eyes more and help you understand the triggers and yourself better.

 

Lastly...talk and share..on here, a person you can trust or even on netline. Chats are good time spent talking  with like minded ppl on here. Look around the site, there are tools to help you out there.

 

 

I also used to get very sad reading partners and others affected with this addiction.  It's sad reality.

 

I'm glad you came to realisation that this cannot go on. You are right, it can't because it will just only get worse. WE CANNOT WIN BECAUSE WE CANNIT STOP. I lied to myself too many times saying  I can stop...I never could and it escalated to such extreme that I felt like ending my life.

 

Truth is, ..yes, addiction  is strong but you are stronger if you stick to recovery and walk the talk. We all can promise things but the actions speaks louder than words.

 

Apologies for lengthy post, just wanted to share what I know about help out there and make you not to feel alone.

 

There is a way out!

 

Be kind to you & all the best!

 

Day at a time

 

S x

 

 

 
Posted : 16th August 2022 4:17 pm
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Thank you for the reply, it is very helpful 🙂

I am very sorry to hear of your struggles too. It is a bit of a nightmare to feel stuck in but I am glad to hear you are blocked and it is working out of you 🙂

I understand my financial situation is more of a consequence than anything else. I have suffered from depression and I have been quite lonely most of my adult life, both of which I know are risk factors but I don't want to excuse it. The guilt has been fueling my gambling - knowing I lost even a little bit to some silly online casino was more than I could justify to myself. I have been disgusted with myself.

It snowballed so much and I could never let go of losses. I'd stop for a while but then start again, forgetting where I'll end up. Thinking I'll maybe get some past losses back and feel good, and call it a loss and stop if I don't, but it doesn't work that way. It is a lie.

The gambling blocks won't work well for me and my browser configuration can be an issue with them. I'm hoping this diary here and chat facilities will be enough for now. I am also going to greatly reduce my overdraft limit as I pay it off within the next month which will help protect me if I even consider lying to myself again.

Tomorrow, day 2 (of never gambling again) will involve some gradual push to resume a past hobby. Mood and motivation to do anything is very low.

 

 

 
Posted : 17th August 2022 12:30 am
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

@i-want-new-life This is certain a good website to start with in your way to recovery. I am new here too. There is a lot of information here and advice to help. I hope you can find a resource that will help you. I find that it does help to start sharing your struggles and accepting the problem.

 
Posted : 17th August 2022 12:37 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hey,

 

I can relate to loneliness  & depression  stuff and I spend most of my life alone which does not help the mindset. Besides no distraction  just opens the way to self destruction  and disaster.

 

I can also see how losses affects you. I meant money is only a drop in the ocean compared with what addiction  does to our mental health but i also see how important  finances are.  I started 10p spins...so losing £10 was the end of the world! Truly was and I would beat myself up for it so much. ...£10 losses spiralled to thousands at a time...and that's that's I mean about escalation of the problem. Depositing  hundreds at the time didn't seem like a lot...money losses its worth when we are in that mindset. Its very strange autopilot switch which is pretty scary when that cloud lifts and we have to face the aftermath. 

 

What I would also advise is avoid "will never gamble again" promise because it is not only puts pressure on yourself, it will be extremely hard to bounce back if you ever do lapse.. its from personal experience  also, so instead of never...I say "just for today". Do you see how much it changes instantly? Instead of many years, you promise yourself  one day...and tomorrow  again..its a lot better mindset which is also more achievable ?

 

I have my bank card blocked from gambling  transactions.  Maybe worth looking into that also. The more blocks you put in place, the bigger chance of staying  safe and riding urges out!

 

I guess I talk about doom and gloom a lot but let me share something more positive. 

 

I did rack up quite a debt due to gambling but slowly and surely...5 years on, I am paying  it back and now I see the end of it with just one year to go. Even if I was heavily addicted for around 8 years, ....blocks, dedication  and support...and just having a go at recovery, seen me buying  my own house! I'm not in overdraft albeit I have that loan to pay off, I have food on the table and manage to fill the tank up for work, I work full time, I can treat myself with something  I want (problem is I don't due to depression).    ...all I am saying that if you try, there is a way out. My recovery is not perfect,  I did lapse on few occasions  but I don't beat myself up for them as used to as it does not help. I stand up, dust myself down and try again.

 

In the past 400 days g free I lapsed twice to the amount  of £40...and that could be a lot worse indeed so instead of beating  myself up, I forgive myself and look ahead.

 

You're doing really well, tomorrow  is another day and another pennies saved. We cannot win because we cannot stop, why even start?

 

Have a good day!

 

S x

 
Posted : 17th August 2022 11:16 am
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Day 2 is nearly over. Thinking about my triggers more. Usually guilt, a lack of sleep (I never gamble during the day), tiredness and a low mood. Gambling makes all those things worse, because I am more sleepless, mood is lower, anxiety of losses become horrific and I am more depressed than ever. The cycle repeats over time.

 
Posted : 17th August 2022 8:55 pm
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

@sb28 I agree! The loneliness and depression are known risk factors too.

When I said "no never gambling", it was more of my hope rather than a promise to myself. I know expectations may not be useful so maybe I'll word it "just for today". A day at a time! 🙂

Your experience will losses is exactly the problem I found myself in. Started with 10p spins and even a £5 loss felt so bad. It spiraled as I panicked and guilt built over time.

It is great to hear you are doing so well. It is really nice to hear a positive outcome for you! 2 lapses and £40 is certainly not terrible, well done! I can see why not putting expectations on yourself is important. Those £40 losses could have become much bigger. That makes sense.

Thank you again, you have given me helpful advice 🙂

 

 
Posted : 17th August 2022 9:18 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hey again,

 

You talk a lot about guilt. We all felt it through some of our actions and gambling  very much included. However why not to ask yourself " what purpose does it serve?". To let it linger around will only stop you from moving forward. 

 

What's done is done, we cannot turn clocks back. Acceptance of this is very important. Money has gone and the only way to get it back is by making the right choice, working for it, putting pennies aside.

 

I noted you say you only gambled at night time. Lack of sleep will definitely affect you and your moods so no wonder you are struggling to let go. It also sounds that you had some sort of control for your day allowing addiction  to only take over at night. What could you change in your routine for this time? I know there is not much we can do at night  but reading a book or meditation can work wonders and help you with your sleep.

 

You are doing really well, Welcome to day 3, road ahead may be a long one but one step at a time will get you there.  Keep on keeping on.

 

Also wanted to mention previously something about a "triangle". Have you heard about time, location, money? Take one of these away and the triangle is broken and you cannot gamble. Worth thinking about this. 

 

Wish you well, 

 

S xx

 
Posted : 18th August 2022 12:32 pm
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

I know guilt fuels my cycle. I want to use it in a healthy way to deter me rather than fuel the urge to fix the past gambling by trying to win it back. I have hurt and lied to myself and wasted money while people are struggling during this cost of living crisis. I am going to try re-frame the guilt in my mind and try use it in a more healthy way but I am sure it will always be there, as it should.

I have had some sleep problems for a long time but I have begun trying to fill some time if I am awake with something other than thinking, it helps refocus my mind a bit.

I'll have a look into the "triangle". Thank you for the pointer!

 

 

 
Posted : 18th August 2022 8:30 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 858
 

Accept your past without regret

Handle your present with confidence

Face your future without fear

 

Best Wishes

 

Al

 
Posted : 18th August 2022 10:49 pm
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

@slowlearner Thanks for that 🙂

Nearly the end of day 4. I did not gamble today.

 
Posted : 19th August 2022 11:31 pm
 Kima
(@kima)
Posts: 22
Topic starter
 

Due a small cashback 'bonus' from the casino. I will not claim it because today is day 5 and I will not gamble. I will not continue the cycle.

 
Posted : 20th August 2022 6:25 am
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)
Posts: 887
 

@kima if you use Gamstop to ban yourself from online gambling sites you won’t get notifications of any “free” bets. If you don’t get those messages you might not get the nagging thoughts that it’s ok because it’s “free”.

Chris.

 
Posted : 20th August 2022 12:10 pm
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