Monte Carlo or bust?

Where is everyone? It's like meetings we can't worry about those that don't come back , don't attend, as long as we are here for ourselves. I'm not sure I like everything about the new website, some things are fine, I'm sure there's lots I'm missing! I've been a bit negative lately, I've let others get under my skin. I need to not get involved and leave it behind me. I need to occupy my mind with healthy things, positives. I need to remember I can only change myself. My cg is 706 days, the longest period he has not had a bet since his teens! It's almost impossible to believe that he did something so destructive for so long. His mind must have been a whirl of lies, debt, moving money, trying to work and just getting through another day of chaos. 30 years of damage. He was sober too for 7 years but had a drink (or 4)  2 weeks ago. It just shows me he's not invincible, he's still vulnerable. He was never an alcoholic but he did 'use' alcohol to escape, normally in binges. I think it's unnerved him too. You just have to get back to reality and accept it's a problem. Keep moving forward. Just for today. 

I've just read something that makes me very sad. Partners of compulsive gamblers need as much support and advice as a cg. We are damaged by living with someone who is not behaving normally. Not giving 100%. We accept a cgs bad behaviour. Sharing the burden of debt is continuing the bad behaviour. It says 'it's ok for this to happen '. We continue with clearing up, sorting everything out, looking after, fixing, whatever you want to call it. That's not equal, normal or healthy. I am with my own faults, imperfect, definitely codependent. But I've sought help. I couldn't have stayed sane without help. I still have bad days, I must continue to not be affected by others. 

Dear @merry-go-round ,

sorry to hear you a bit deflated in your last two posts. Of course partner's of PG need support, you have been through a lot and it takes time and effort and energy to untangle all that and heal again and trust.

You are a shining example of how to do that, even if it doesn't feel like it every day, you work on yourself and on your relationship every day and it is worth it.

Sometimes a bit of extra support doesn't go amiss either, so please feel free to contact the Helpline/Netline at any time, even if you just want to vent. And of course if you are interested in treatment support we can discuss that as well. Occasionally if we hit a bump in the road it is helpful to get some extra support.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

MGR, you are beacon of sanity and compassion.

I could say 'don't let the warped minds of gambling addicts affect you - as they're views hold little value'.

But perhaps more helpful to look, as you have done in your post before last, as to why stuff like this is affecting you. What of your own needs aren't being met and how can you find a positive way forward?

All the best

Louis

Thankyou both. I think I'm anxious because I've booked a holiday, paid for it. I have the opposite attitude to money which is just as unhealthy, I worry about spending. I should look at it as enjoyable, it's for the whole family to enjoy, it's a good thing. What makes me sad is so many people are affected by a gambler yet 99% of the time only the gambler gets help. Also people without support don't realise that helping pay debts is a mistake. I can't be that person who only worries about myself all the time. We all make mistakes and I have made more than I should, but? You have to learn from them and allowing someone to take your burden is not a small mistake. I like discussion but after watching the fall out previously it becomes impossible to write opinions. I know that cgs temperament can be inflexible, over sensitive and irrational. I can only help myself, deal with my rubbish. Reverse my sadness to help those that want my help.

Dear lady I am sorry to read that you have been feeling under the weather and hope that as summer approaches your spirits will lift. 

I was reading your diary whilst listening to the haunting sound of Joe Bonamassa singing "Driving Towards The Daylight." I do like that song and guess that many people can identify with the lyrics.

Look upon a mountain

Waiting on a train

Baby I know what's wrong

And it still happened again

Waiting on my destiny

Learning from my abilities

Who was wrong and

Who was right and 

Do we ever know why we are fighting

So take your eyes off of me

And look upon the churning sea ..............

Thankyou Stephen so glad to hear from you.

Yet again I'm shocked at what I read on this site. Where is admin. I'm curious as to certain words and letters asterisked when they are innocuous. Yet again conflict. This should be a place of safety. I wish I'd been in that chat room. We should not be judging, we should be supporting. Reaction is key to someone's interpretation of their contribution. Compulsive gambling is a mental health issue and therefore everyone affected is very fragile. I notice there is very little support for partners, too. There seems to be so much self promotion with very little care for the affects of behaviour on others. Still the same behaviour adopted when gambling. Stopping is pointless unless you change your attitude and show some kind of remorse. Carrying on regardless in selfish, spiteful ways is counterproductive and will not serve you well. What's app? I'm disgusted that this is now an unsafe place to offload. 

Bust it is! 2 years into recovery and it's all over. 20 years of marriage and it's screwed up like a piece of paper and thrown out the window. I'm nervous of posting in case it's read by someone who knows me. I don't feel anonymous, I feel exposed. I don't want judgement or negative comments. I feel bad enough without the stupid, fool, deluded etc. I'm broken. I was broken when I started. I had a premonition this would happen. I'm perfectly aware this is my own doing. Just to clarify something someone said to me, I'm not sympathetic to compulsive gamblers, I'm sympathetic to their significant others. What a waste. In my heart I know something good will come from this. 

So sorry to see this, MGR. It's the worst nightmare of any f&f.

FWIW none of this is your doing. Always remember he's the one who's made the wrong choices.

Take care

Dear Merry go round,

I'm sorry to read that it seems as your husband has had a lapse/relapse. As Lethe has kindly commented- none of this is your fault. If you would like some one-to-one support during this difficult time please contact us on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline anytime from 8am until midnight 7 days a week.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Sending you my best wishes Merry go round. My thoughts are with you and I hope you are ok.

Take good care of yourself.

Stephen x 

Posted by: Merry go round

Bust it is! 2 years into recovery and it's all over. 20 years of marriage and it's screwed up like a piece of paper and thrown out the window. I'm nervous of posting in case it's read by someone who knows me. I don't feel anonymous, I feel exposed. I don't want judgement or negative comments. I feel bad enough without the stupid, fool, deluded etc. I'm broken. I was broken when I started. I had a premonition this would happen. I'm perfectly aware this is my own doing. Just to clarify something someone said to me, I'm not sympathetic to compulsive gamblers, I'm sympathetic to their significant others. What a waste. In my heart I know something good will come from this. 

Not sure why you would be either " Judged " or receive any form of  " Negative Comment " on these pages MGR ? . 

Just like you have done with your partner the only thing I as a CG could ask of mine was that she stood by me .......... the rest was then up to me not to mess up . 

Truly this is none of your doing and I guess that although I've not gambled for a few years like your husband (and it saddens me to say this) but it will last for as long as it last's or at least as long as we stay strong enough as there's no set end point with addiction . 

It truly saddened me to read your post this morning as I've always found your knowledge of a disease that doesn't belong to you to be spot on and very helpful to myself and many others on the forum and not just in the f&f section but across the board ,  it hurt's also to see the thing's people like myself can do to the one's we claim to love with all the fallout that follow's along with our addiction . 

I know sympathy is not something you probably want but maybe some empathy albeit from the other side of the fence and I'm sure as your last sentence say's in time and " In my heart something good will come of this " . 

Sending you much respect, many thank's for all you do and my sincere best wishes on your own difficult journey moving forward  . 

Alan x  

I am so sorry MGR.

Cathy?

Hi MGR,

Genuinely sorry, and a stark reminder for me to understand how it makes our loved ones feel when we screw up,

Like you i like to read, and can still remember clearly what Oppenheimer said when they tested his atom bomb. He wrote in his memoirs " I HAVE BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS "  For me personally i'll think of your pain, disappointment, & all that support thrown back in my loved ones faces the next time i have urges. I know we've had different views in the past but i sincerely hope you can get through this & bounce back to becoming the strong passionate person we've come to know on here ( irrespective of different opinions ). CGs destroy many peoples worlds and learning to control it is a lifetime commitment. It's also tough for f&Fs of CGs knowing when to stand and fight and when to quickly find the nearest nuclear shelter to protect themselves from the next fallout. I sincerely hope something good does come of this and you can find the peace & happiness you deserve.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL 

Hi to each and everyone (forum admin too). Thankyou for the support. To be clear I don't know if he's relapsed, he says not. What he is saying is our marriage is over. Refusing support, meetings. Angry because I control the money. I think it's a way to shut me up. Shrugging his shoulders, wants to be alone.  There is no discussion, if we talk he changes his mind half way through. There is no point anymore. He's behaving as if he hasn't done anything or has any responsibility, let alone 2 children!