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Martins recovery diary  

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Martin91
(@martin91)

Its 15th of may 2019 and I am currently 3 days into my latest attempt at completely quitting gambling. This time for me feels different I feel determination I have never had before , I am 27 years old 28 in June and I have been diagnosed as a problem gambler for 4 years. I have been gambling since I was 18 and have been in thousands of pounds of debt in the past from it. 

Im very lucky because when I was 24-25 I was at my absolute worst I had accounts with every online betting firm basically I had about £6000 of debt over my head I had lied and hidden my problem. My girlfriend (now fiancée) Amanda threatened to leave me when she found out we had been going out for 2-3 yrs before this and she knew I gambled but had no idea the extent of what was going on and all I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand. The problems hit me psychologically and physically when I have a big loss I can’t eat I can’t sleep I’m just a wreck. Back then I earned about £900 a month and one Friday I got paid and literally in one hour spent all my wages. Who does that? What the h**l? But that was me and that’s how I behaved. Gambling stopped becoming fun incredibly fast for me. Maybe I had a addictive personality? Maybe I was just stupid?, silly? Or just maybe I was completely and utterly hooked and couldn’t help myself.

my biggest ever win was only £5000 and what happened to that? The whole lot basically went back in and more on top , what was the point?

when Amanda realised what was going on she demanded I show her my bank account and there it was in black and white the absolute mess my finances were in.

i lived at my parents at that point and Amanda at her parents and one day I came home from work and my worst fear was realised she told my parents exactly what had been going on. My parents knew I gambled but again no idea how extreme. Another reason I hate gambling it’s so easy to hide if your sneaky and believe me I was. It drove me to it

i thought my parents were going to kick me out and react nasty but I couldn’t be more wrong they offered to help me clear all the debts off as long as I did what Amanda wanted me to which was go to hypnotherapy, send Amanda money for me to save in her account and let her have access to my bank account online banking. I agreed to all and they cleared my debt.

i think then I may of gone a couple weeks without gambling at most and I kept refusing to book hypnotherapy. Eventually after a few months Amanda had enough and ended it with me as nothing had changed except I had given her thounsands to save for me. We were broke up two weeks and I demanded she transferred me all my money back so she did and in two weeks I nearly spend the lot in betting shops everyday and almost back to my worst.

agter two weeks I begged Amanda to come back and I’d do anything so she wanted to me book hypnotherapy and to go and too self exclude on every betting website and install bet filter on my phone and pc so I did all of it as she means the world to me but I was stuck in this viscous cycle.

i finally went to hypnotherapy in 2016 and it’s the best thing I did . My therapist was amazing. She helped me to start change my life with sessions and explore why gambling had taken over me. I owe her so much.

after hypnotherapy I went about 200 days gamble free , I changed jobs , I felt happy.

I was given recordings from my hypnotherapy which I listened to once a week but when I stopped this is where it all crept back in only in small bets very sneakily in betting shops. I knew Amanda was watching my account so I had to find ways round it and I did . The addiction was coming back and I didn’t even know.

despite falling back into gambling where it was small amounts I thought I could control it the truth is if I didn’t feel watched on my banking I would of spent every penny I had like the years before.

2018 and me and Amanda bought a house and puppy (Bailey) the fact I managed to save enough to buy a house was a feet in itself and I would never of done it in the past at this point too I was saving money in my own bank account and not relying on Amanda anymore to save my money in her bank.

either way we done it we were there life was good and I was sure my gambling was ‘under control’ 

this is where it all went wrong ....

First I got told at work we are going to be made redundant from work in 2021, that made me straight after that news I was upset and went into w**********l and blew £20 as that’s all the cash I had on me

it wasnt Enough though I went online and started searching betting sites to see if there were new ones I wasn’t excluded from and I found one , moplay.

from feb 2019 too may 2019 I deposited hundreds in moplay and was in a rut again Amanda could tell by my vile mood swings and constant nail biting I was back gambling again.

this is where it got even worse I tried to contact my hypnotherapist after a lot of tearful talks with Amanda about it all and I got a email back she had died of cancer which I was devastated about, she was a amazing lady and helped so many people with so many issues she didn’t deserve it. Life isn’t fair.

since then that made me worse as my head was completely thrown and I deposited hundreds more and had to take a loan out this month to cover my bills.

And this brings me to now, 3 days ago I blocked moplay via self exclusion and went to the drs to see if I can get help and they suggested many options and this site as one so here I am.

I have never fully been at the stage where I want to stop I don’t think if I’m really honest with myself but I am now. I want to stop more than anything. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it makes me behave. I hate how it affects my family, Amanda, Amanda’s family and our puppy when we’re having a screaming match.

its only been 3 days so far but I am DETERMINED I am going to 100% stop this addiction even though temptation is everywhere on tv radio just everywhere. 

since joining I have read many forums and many story’s on here that have helped me through the first 3 days already. I have had urges to gamble but not given in instead I have distracted myself by taking our puppy on big walks which is working so far along with starting a new hobby of putting a G scale train set in our loft which helps focus my mind on something challenging

Here is to 3 gamble free days, long may it continue.

Quote
Posted : 15th May 2019 11:24 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

You have to ban yourself from every online site mate.you have to stop gambling full stop or it will ruin your life until you do.

You can't leave the door open.

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th May 2019 5:49 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

Thankyou all avenues are completely blocked now for me. It’s not going to ruin my life anymore. Thankyou for your reply!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th May 2019 7:08 pm
Martin91
(@martin91)

Day 4 still gamble free.

its so early in still but I am feeling positive.

have had thoughts of walking in a betting shop and betting on the EFL playoff matches but no I won’t give in, instead I’ve been spending time playing with puppy Bailey and taking him on long walks after finishing work.

day 4 = a successful day. 🙂

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th May 2019 7:23 pm
Martin91
(@martin91)

DAY 5

its been a good day today in the main. I once again had thoughts and urges to bet on the EFL playoffs for tonight’s game but once again resisted. Did something different today I played football golf with work colleagues as today we had the day off which is why thoughts crept in I think as other people say it’s the time you have spare that causes problems which is what I used to do.

but not now and not today. Have also spent time messing around on my G scale train set which again distracts my attention from urges.

all in all a good day but as my past fails suggest it’s gonna get tougher yet

But unlike before I AM ready!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th May 2019 10:25 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Make sure these early days are planned out.Try and avoid sport on the telly and places with betting shops.

You need fundamental change in your life to beat this.

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th May 2019 6:59 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

DAY 6

today has been a day full of mood swings and me being very easily irritated.

i avoided watching the FA cup final as this is why I was getting moody as I’d normally bet on it. Tbf I’d normally bet on any football match....

but anyway today again the urge got RESISTED

i did not gamble , I did not give in.

i instead went to shops with Amanda and took bailey on a extra long walk for 2hrs and went to the cinema.

looking back on today I am happy I didn’t give in, going to listen to one of my hypnotherapy recordings tomorrow morning they give me strength mentally. 

Let’s keep this no gambling going!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th May 2019 11:58 pm
Golden fish
(@golden-fish)

Your doing well 🙂 keep going! 

Headspace a great app for a few moments to connect to your breath and thoughts 🙂 

In the early days distraction is key your doing well 

Day by day 🙂 

Stay awesome give that puppy lots of walks 🙂 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th May 2019 12:24 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

Thankyou I’ll defimitely look into that app I did have the breath app for a while but never really used it.

and yes Bailey is definitely going to get lots of walks, having him makes it easier sometimes as he’s so demanding for my attention 😂. 

Thanks a lot for the kind words 😊

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th May 2019 8:53 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

DAY 7

it was a good day today , nothing happened of note. 

Managed to go another day gamble free , another day not giving into temptations .

😊

ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th May 2019 11:51 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Good.take it day by day.

Don't get complacent as you will have a few wobbles along the way.

Keep thinking of ways to fill in the time.

 

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th May 2019 5:35 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

Thankyou !

I’ve had far too many wobbles before determined not to give in again this time 😊

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th May 2019 9:14 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

DAY 8

For me gamble wise it has been a good day with work keeping me distracted from anything so I again have not gambled despite thinking about it admittedly but didn’t cave in.

on a different note though it’s been a hard few weeks for Amanda as her nan is very ill in hospital and has been there over a month now. 

i feel extremely guilty as my relapse’s before 8 days ago was while her nan was already in hospital too. I keep thinking does this make me selfish and nasty and horrible to even think about gambling while my partners feeling pain of worrying about her nan.

it defimitely makes me feel like I’m horrible and why couldn’t I control myself to not add to Amanda’s misery.as when she found out I was gambling again it made her pain double. But that was just it I literally could not stop myself. I was selfish and horrible.

Here I am now though hoping Amanda’s nan does recover until then giving her lots of love and attention and affection that she deserves  , and doing the most important thing for her that I ever could , giving up this addiction properly this time for good and for ever!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th May 2019 11:54 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Keep doing it and make today day 9

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st May 2019 5:23 am
Martin91
(@martin91)

I will do Thankyou ! Half way through so far so good! 😊

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st May 2019 1:59 pm
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