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Loulous diary (going round in circles)  

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Loulou
(@loulou)

Doing another diary as I cant find my forum post

I feel so sick tonight...I've gambled in space of half an hour of having access I've blown my whole bank account. I was going to be sensible and only do affordable amounts it's got out of hand I feel so ILL

I have no money until I get paid at the end of the month

Today's just all gone wrong first I woke up late 2 hours late to work so that caused me to feel really down..i thought gambling would help cheer me up

I just feel so ILL..trapped and alone I have no close freinds or family I feel able to talk to about it 

Why have I done this again :'( I just dont want to wake up again in the morning I'm just a mess 

I need help :'( it's easy people saying get blocks if only it was that simple I want help to not feel the need to gamble 

 

I feel so alone with this 

 

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Posted : 9th October 2020 1:28 am
Craig724
(@craig724)

Have you tried contacting your bank and getting them to block all gambling transactions from your account ?  

You’ve got to be obsessed with wanting to quit unless your not going to quit, and by your posts I sense that you don’t want to quit deep down 

Can’t really say anything more without sounding negative and I don’t think thats what you need , good luck tho 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 7:33 am
sanpablo
(@sanpablo)

Hi Lou,

I hope you managed to get some rest.

Feeling trapped is completely normal so don’t think you’re on your own with these feelings.

Is there anyone close to you that you could confide in and explain how you are feeling? Failing that, speak to people at GamCare and keep coming on the chat rooms & forums.

Theres plenty of people who want to help and support you on here as we all know simply putting blocks in place is not the answer.

Do you have any interests or hobbies that you can throw yourself into to give you a different focus, or something you fancy trying that could give you a new outlet?

Reat assured, you as not alone in this and things will get better if you keeping working to make them better.

One day at a time.

Take care and keep us posted.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 8:35 am
maxmaher
(@maxmaher)

yea nobody on here has a magic wand they can wave i am afraid 

gambling addiction is complex and largely unique in each individual

only you can answer why it is you feel the need to gamble and battle that answer 

you will keep going around in circles until you address the underlying issue  

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 11:03 am
Loulou
(@loulou)

I feel so unwell today from last night

I've put gamstop back in place even though I'm really upset about having to do that I've also deleted other gambling pages I'm on.

:'( I've rang my car insurance and said i cant pay. I have no money at all in account rent and bills are at least paid luckily i paid them before my gamstop had ended. 

Worried about getting to work hope my petrol can last few weeks. 

Can barely move..forced myself have small bowl cereal...that's pretty much what I'm gonna be living off for a while.

I feel so down and stupid that relapsed again I'm so fed up...its okay putting blocks etc in place but I want to not feel the urge to gamble I'm hoping northern gambling clinic will help me I cant go on like this 

 

Loulou 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Loulou
ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 4:15 pm
Ameliasgran
(@ameliasgran)

Loulou

you do this a lot, I understand, I have done the same but you need to learn.  Blocks work but will power is key to any addiction, I am getting the urge tonight but I won’t gamble because I will lose the money I now have in the bank.  You need to have a good talk to yourself you know it’s wrong that’s why you post.  Watch TV, read a book, have a drink, don’t gamble you will never get you cash back that’s why people who own bookies and online casinos live in big villas and we don’t.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 6:57 pm
Loulou
(@loulou)

I get what your saying about distraction etc but I dont 'do it a lot ' i find that offensive' anyone can relapse at any time without expecting too.

 I went a whole year gamble free it wasnt easy and had good willpower through urges...I guess i just learned its impossible to be 'careful' on a site and recovered enough to safely gamble. I thought i would be able to do small amounts but it got out of control.

Ive signed up to  gamstop again, then I logged in my banks account and there is a large amount of money more than what I have lost..the banks refund me from when i got scammed. That's such a relief but I feel overwhelmed ..at least I cant gamble it.

 

Loulou 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Loulou
ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 7:16 pm
sanpablo
(@sanpablo)

So you have money now Lou? When we’re you scammed? See, someone is looking out for you and suddenly things do seem better. Happy for you 😊

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 7:34 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)

Hi Loulou,

You say you've signed up to Gamstop again can i ask for how long ? . Did you sign up for 5 years the first time ?. Do you still think you'll learn gamble safely with small amounts ?. Albert Einsteins quote comes to mind about doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. Sorry if this sounds harsh but recovery is about NOT  gambling not trying to learn to gamble safely. Sorry if this sounds harsh but no CG can gamble safely, that's the problem we start & we can't stop.

 

Beat Wishes

 

AL

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th October 2020 11:12 pm
Stace🌹
(@stace)

Lou I was so glad to hear tonight in chat that 1,you've signed back up to gsmstop and 2,you've got money . Hearing the dispare  in your chat the other night made me feel sick, I felt sick for you. You need to write down exactly how you felt when you lost all your money, the feelings you felt, the thoughts you thought , and if ever you get tempted to gamble again , look back at what you wrote and remember the pain. That's what I've done, it might not work for everyone but it's working for me, after I gambled my rent few weeks back , I got a notebook and this is what I wrote .

NEVER GAMBLE AGAIN, REMEMBER HOW I'M FEELING NOW

sick, scared, worried, petrified, scared of telling partner, scared of telling landlord, feel like a failure , I'm so stupid, I'm an idiot , I've risked the roof over my kids heads, panicky, going out my mind , 

're!EMBER THE IMPACT

couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was short tempered , self harmed, thoughts of suicide increased massively, argued with partner, had nightmares , was physically unwell with the stress

The other day , I had a bad day, and was an emotional wreck, I wanted to escape, to go to the place that makes me forget everything even for a little while , but instead I got out my notebook are read what I had written (which was a lot more than I've wrote above ) , just reading it made me feel all those emotions again, and so instead I went online and ordered Christmas presents, and I've done the same again today. 

Gambling takes me to a different place , I get to escape my head, but everything is still there when I stop, but worse , because I've then added to my worries, and then feel worse.

I get why you gamble. And I get how hard it is to stop. But you have done it before and I believe in you, I believe you can do it again. Your already on day 1 or 2 now, if you get the urge....fight it . There's so many people you can talk to.. Gamcare, mind, samaritans, call line. Or write on your diary. It write on mine and I will reply to you. You are NOT alone . Whilst it's still raw in your mind from your loss the other day, write it all down, doesn't have to be on here, just on some paper at home, and when the urge comes , read it, and remember how you felt.

I don't like seeing anyone suffering and in turmoil like you are, I think about you and wish you could feel better. I hope one day you start to feel better and can continue your gamble free journey. Take care lou, and remember your not alone 🌹🌈🌹

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th October 2020 1:25 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)

It is difficult for me to follow on from that delightful post by Stace. Those heartfelt words of wisdom have been on my mind all day. Very thought provoking and quite an eye opener for me. Many thanks for that.

 

Hello Lou Lou. Hope you are having a good weekend.

We all think the world of you dear friend and although we have not with you in person, you are always in the hearts and minds of your many gamcare friends.

You are a hard working, intelligent lady who is struggling a bit just now but I do believe that you will soon turn your life around and rediscover yourself.

 

Love and best wishes

Aum x 

🦆   🦆   🦆

 

This post was modified 2 months ago by Aum
ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th October 2020 12:35 am
Loulou
(@loulou)

Thankyou for your replies I will reply to them individual when I feel more up to it.

Had a tough night suicidal feelings in my head. I rang the mental health crisis team and left a message at 19.40pm and 10pm ast night it's now 07.30 am and they still havent phoned me..12 hours 

:'(

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th October 2020 7:39 am
Stace🌹
(@stace)

Lou I'm more than happy for you to have my email if you need to talk.  Don't ever feel your alone , especially with those thoughts , you are on my mind alot, I absolutely hate the thought of you suffering like this, I know what it's like, when I 'look' at my life it 'should' be perfect , I have a partner , 5 beautiful kids, close family and friends, healthy kids , a roof over our heads, yet I still feel so depressed , and it gets pretty lonely. Please don't ever feel alone 💓

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th October 2020 9:42 am
sanpablo
(@sanpablo)

Hi Lou,

Hope you’re ok. Like Stace said, you may feel alone in this but you’re not. People care for you and the fact you are reaching out for help, love and support is great and shows you want to get things back on track.

Keep checking in on here and don’t ever hesitate to ask for help on here.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 11th October 2020 10:10 am
Loulou
(@loulou)

Thankyou all for the lovely posts.Since putting gamstop in I was lucky enough to get back more money than I lost as the bank refunded me as I got scammed a few months ago. That relieves the financial pressure and my having gamstop in place at least I'm not gonna loose it. 

 

I was gambling before my gamstop finished through other sources that was affordable only few quid however the big issue for me was removing gamstop when it finished..I signed back up.  I'm not on 4th day of no gambling.

Not been feeling good lately..went in chatroom at lunch just to read and for distraction I guess but sad to see someone coming on trying to purposely upset someone.

Loulou x 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th October 2020 2:12 pm
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