Lostsouls diary

123 day GF

Still no urges to gamble, which continues to be a positive thing, I really think I can stay on top of this.

I know I haven't updated here for a few weeks and that is probably a pattern that will continue. My new aim is to update this diary a couple of times a month.

The reasons for not updating as regularly is that I feel I am transitioning to a new phase of my recovery. Although I should never forget what I have done or all the pain and issues that it has caused my loved ones, I can't let it define me or my thoughts and actions for the rest of my life. I feel like I am now ready to start moving forward as best I can and leave the past as a memories and reminder of what can go wrong if I'm not mindfull  about myself and others around me.

My daughter has now started and began to settle at school she  has had a few wobbles continues to do really well and we are proud of her. We have also just about finished there new room it looks great and they are both enjoying it. 

Had a little time away at my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary at the weekend, wife and kids stayed home and maybe it was just the little bit of space that we all needed. I missed them all terribly and it reafirmed what it is that I'm trying to save.

It's not all good as I have smoked a few cigarettes recently (not many a couple a day at most) after quitting my vape earlier in the year. I have been honest and told my wife but I know that I need to stop as it's not healthy and TBH I don't want to slip back into my old ways.

Also not ran this week as my knees where bad but I did do some swimming over the weekend at the hotel pool.

I'm still in the house and I do feel that maybe we will be able to get through all this. If it's not to be it's not to be. All I can do is my best and I hope that we get back close where we where before all this came out. 

I know there is still a long way to go but I'm ready to walk down whatever road I find myself on and make the best of whatever the future holds.

Untill next time

Hi lostsouls. Good to hear you sounding more positive, and that even if the future is still uncertain you have a future. All any of us can do is stay gamble free try our best in life and move forward. Take care and keep up the good work

Thanks for the continued support and wise words. You have really helped a great deal.

150 day GF,  feels good

More of the same really. Trying to keep busy and be my best me. Have started to slip on a few little things like exercise and motivation. I am however aware of it and taking steps to rectify the situation and keep further improving myself and the lives of the people I love.

One thing that has been playing on my mind a little and that I have discussed with my counselor is feeling a little abandoned by my wife.

I'll start by saying I in no way want to trivialise or downplay the hurt I have caused or the trust that I have broken. This is my fault and she does not deserve any of it  and I know that she is still trying to come to terms with what I dropped on her from a great hieght.

However rightly or wrongly I sometimes feel as though when I was at my lowest and banging my head off rock bottom the one person who I thought would always be there to help and support me, left me feeling alone and isolated. Apparently in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer didn't mean as much to her as they did to me, which makes me sad but as I say it's understandable in the circumstances. Not sure what I'm getting at just trying to get my feelings down in words. 

Thoughts like this have caused me to have a few bad days recently, but I'm trying to stay positive and look for the positives that we can build on together.

Untill next time 

Hi lostsouls, 150 going good. I totally understand what you mean about your wife I have some of the same feelings about my husband. It's difficult isn't it  we obviously still feel guilty about our past behaviour but we are moving forward and that means trying to leave things behind and be positive. I'm happy in myself now lostsouls, what will be will be !! Hope you find happiness too .

178 days GF.

Firstly many thanks for your comments Charlieboy, I thought I had replied but it looks like it didn't work for whatever reason. You're right it's so tough trying to move forward with life with the guilt of what has been done dragging you back down, I hope you are doing well and things are still moving forward in your relationship.

I am feeling a lot more positive about things. Not just my relationship but about how life might be if we did separate. 

Having said that my wife does seem to want to make it work and we have made some progress and are talking a little more about things that aren't just logistical.

For the first time since all this came out she reached out and held my hand which felt absolutely amazing and I will remember that moment until the day I die.

I know we still have a long way to go and I'm sure there is still a few bumps in the road but for the first time I actually think we may get through this.  I love her so much. My family is all that matters to me now (not sure why my stupid brain went through a phase of not thinking this way).

Anyway still on top of the gambling and can't see me ever going back to it just need to stay mindfull. Never forget the lessons learned and enjoy all the wonderful things I have in my life.

Hope you are all doing well

Untill next time

193 days GF, the time seems to be flying by yet sometimes standing still.

Happy to report that I'm am doing well. Still no urges for any sort of gambling, I'm sure I can keep it that way.

Things seem to progressing at home  after  my wife as decided that we should try to move forward. I'm so made up about this it's hard to put into words. As well as this, I feel a lot calmer and less irritable than I was befor which is great for everyone.

I'm not going to lie things are far from perfect but for the first time i'm sure we can start slowly moving towardd being a propper couple and family again.

The road is still long but I'm positive about what the future can hold for us and our family.

It has been her birthday an I think she had a lovely time. It was so good to see her smiling more and seeming a bit more relaxed. We had a couple of hugs and it was amazing felt the closest we had been for so long.

I know my wife still needs lots more time and space but I just want to be close to her and it hurts being so close but so far. 

I know I have caused so much pain and heartache I hope that slowly I can help to heal the wounds

If not and things aren't to be then that's on my head and I'll just have to be the best dad I can, my kids deserve that at the very least.

Hoping that the next update is of the same vain as the last couple.

Untill next time

201 days GF

Unfortunately not as positive as the last few updates, feeling a bit down today,

Our immediate situation has not really changed and I'm still happy to be in our family home trying to rebuild as a couple and family.

I know that we will still have our ups and downs and that it will be a bumpy road for a long time.

I'm sad today for many reasons, for the pain and hurt I have caused, for all the time that has been thrown away for all the decisions in my life that have lead me to this point, wether I had controll over them or when they had controll over me. I think what is getting me down the most today is  the prospect of living out my remaining half a century of my life in missery. I know it's all my fault and that this might be the way it has to be to make sure that the kids get the best possible life. (this is the most important thing I can do with the rest of my life).

I can't quite put my finger on it but I'm pretty sure that my wife is wanting something from me. While it seems to have been easy (but not in any way nice)for her to sever her emotional connection to me she seems to forget that I'm her husband and still deeply connected to her, I can see that she wants/needs something. However she won't tell me what it is or open up about what is holding her back.

I wish she would be as open and honest with me as she wants me to be with her.

I've opened up to my wife about all my problems to do with the gambling, money and bankruptcy but I know that she is searching for something but there are no more secrets, as promised months ago it's all out in the open I don't want to do, or not do, anything that would potentially hold us back,

I've still got to talk to her about some of the emotional things that have been in my head over the last 6 months, and I will but I don't want to add any more weight to our already heavy existence at the moment. Perhaps talking about it would open us up to being more emotionally close and kick start the rebuilding process but I don't want it to push us in the wrong direction at what seems like such a frigile time for us.

Maybe I'm just over analysing things while being tired but I can't help feel that she is only staying with me for the kids or out of convenience but it doesn't feel like she will ever really love me again, She said last night that she can't picture us being being a propper couple together.

I thought that I/her/we had turned a corner, and perhaps we have and I'm just having a bad day. What I know for sure is that the kids are the most important and that my happiness is bottom of the pile, having said that, I'm not going to give up and I will do everything I can to keep rebuilding and try and make good the mistakes I have made. 

Stay strong, stay strong, stay strong,

Untill next time.

Dear @lostsouls,

thank you very much for sharing your thoughts so openly and honestly. Really sorry to hear that things are difficult with your wife at the moment and that everything feels so heavy.

I would like to respectfully disagree with your perception that you are now 'sentenced' to half a century of misery. You are not and you really also shouldn't sentence yourself. An integral part of recovery is to have a fun, interesting and fulfilling life. It is crucial that you learn to like, even love yourself again. I do appreciate you crave your wife's love and approval, you crave forgiveness, but maybe start with yourself first. Try and forgive yourself. Start doing things that can lift your mood, lift your self-worth and self-esteem. And these things don't have to cost money. 

Change takes time. Trust takes time. Patience will help here.

You are not alone, we are all here to support you Lostsouls. And if ever you need to talk, remember the Helpline and Netline is open 24/7.

Keep posting, keep sharing and be kind to yourself.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Lost,

I wish she would be as open and honest with me as she wants me to be with her.

I've opened up to my wife about all my problems to do with the gambling, money and bankruptcy but I know that she is searching for something but there are no more secrets, as promised months ago it's all out in the open I don't want to do, or not do, anything that would potentially hold us back.

Do you mean the way you opened up to your wife when you dragged your family down this path. She is looking for something, assurance. Assurance that this nightmare is never coming back to haunt her. I've made every mistake you have and more throughout my addiction.

Close your eyes & think just for 2 minutes, remember every deceitful act, every lie, the bankruptcy shock. Every penny spent on gambling which could have provided our loved ones with something needed much more than the feeding of our addiction. Now imagine the roles were reversed & she'd been the CG. Would you have forgiven her or trusted  her any time soon.

You aren't bound for years of misery, the fact that she's still with you tells me you're the luckiest man in the world. Here's my advice, give her space, get your head down & look after your family & don't live in cloud cuckoo land thinking that trust is going to return in a short space of time. It will return if you stay away from gambling, but remember Addiction is on our terms but forgiveness is on our victims terms.

You're Doing Well

Best Wishes

AL

Hi folks and thanks for reading and for your input. While I'm happy to report that my mood has come back up from how I was feeling at the back end of last week, I am going to see if I can have another go at explaining where my head is at without being overly emotional, as I feel that although my mood is better the reality of my situation remains the same.

@forum-admin Eva while what I said may have sounded dramatic, it is still how I feel. Yes there are any number of free or cheap things I can do that may cheer me up temporarily, however they do not cause a long lasting joy in my heart of a feeling of for fillment from within.

I like it to putting a plaster on a wound that needs stitching, might work for a bit but didn't solve the problem.

But you are most probably right about patients,

@slowlearner is also probably correct, I need to put myself in my wife's shoes and stop being so impatient.

Truth be told I'm still processing and learning how to process my feeling so I'm sure my wife is still doing the same.

The good news is that we are still communicating even when it's not particularly easy or nice and we do both want to end up rebuilding our marriage we are just not sure how right now. Just going to take it slowly one day at a time.

Thanks again for your inputs and perspectives on things, sometimes it's just what I need.

Untill next time.

Hi lostsouls, glad your mood has lifted. Continue doing what you're doing living a gamble free life that's the only way you can gain trust and obviously being completely open and transparent about finances. My husband says he believes me when I say I'm sorry but he doesn't trust me and he hasn't forgiven me. It's becoming less important to me I'll always be sorry for my behaviour and I'll always keep my guard up, blocks in place. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life being miserable everyone makes mistakes. My husband has definitely done some horrible things over the years still does but now I'm feeling better about myself and stronger I cope differently to how I used to. I don't think your happiness is bottom of the pile, be kind to yourself life is too short to constantly beat yourself up all the time. Take care lostsouls you have worth in this world

241 days GF

Thanks again for your wise words charlieboy. You're right as ever and things must move forward.

Been a little while since I posted. So I thought an update was in order.

We are doing OK I think, although I know that the next few weeks might be a bit tough. With it being the first Christmas  since it all came out and also the anniversary  of her dad's death in early January, which obviously  is never an easy time. 

Just going to try and relax into Christmas and hopefully  we will a have a great time as a family, then be the shoulder she might need in January.

My mood has still been a little ttle up and down but I think the extremes are still decreasing. I definitely  have spells where  I feel more present and less moody and irritable, but it still is the latter a lot more than I would like. I'll keep working  hard on this. 

Until next time, Merry Christmas 

282 days GF

We are well into the new year and Christmas  was nice the kids got spoilt and we all had a good time even if it wasn't quite the same feeling as usual.

As anticipated its not all been plain sailing and  we have both had some low times.

I was struggling a bit with my mood no matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to stay in a positive mindset and everytime I tried and failed I seemed to fall deeper into depressed  state. With that said and some tragic news of a friends suicide I have spoken to my doctor and have started on some anti depression  medication. This has been really good for my mental  state and I feel more balanced and resilient to the ups and downs of life. Some physical  side effects but they are worth it at the moment.

Things are still a bit strained at home and I'm  not sure there is much more I can do but wait and hope that time will help the situation. I love my wife and tell her everyday. We had a long hug the other day and she said it was nice but then goes distant again the next day. I get it she is still hurting, but if we are going to reconnect we need to keep up with the  those moments. I don't think we will just get closer again without making the effort and she says its nice when it happens but then doesn't do it again for so longs that it dosnt rebuild our connection.

I love her so much and I want us to have a happy loving future together. I don't want to waste  anymore time as there is only so much of it and I want  us to have as much happy time as possible. I know however that this has to be on her terms and that I'm lucky to still be in the family  and I'll  just keep being patient and support  her as much as she will let me, and keep moving forward in life.

Until next time.

Hi lostsouls, good to hear from you. Glad you're addressing your mental health and hope you continue to feel better that's a big positive from last time you posted. As far as your wife is concerned I feel for you I know you're trying really hard but there's only so much you can do. My feeling is is that I'm living a cleaner, better life now and I hope that that shines out to my husband but if it doesn't there is nothing I can do about it. I'm moving forward, I will always be sorry for my behaviour but I won't spend the rest of my life begging for forgiveness. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but in 21years I've had to forgive plenty of things. Keep moving forward lostsouls and keep striving to be the best person you can be and I hope the things that you want will come to you. Take care your doing great