Lostsouls diary

Hiya lostsoul 

I think your amazing and going 10wks gamble free is some achievement. Just remember we're all going to have our down days but its down to how we deal with them and your doing great so give yourself a pat on the back as you deserve it 

11 weeks now, however  it's been a really strange week.

I had been making a lot of progress with my mental state, big thanks to the supportnon here and to my counselors parents and everyone else, however I think my positive outlook was clouding my judgment on the state of my marriage, I thought perhaps slowly things might be getting a little better. Felt like there was a few more little jokes one small moments of normallity. Alas after talking about things with my wife she  still doesn't know if she can ever trust me again and move forward, says we are no longer a team and base taken off her rings. I I'm deverstated, crushed and don't know if we will ever be a good relationship again. This brings up more dread about the future and the compromised life's we may all lead due to my actions, I am trying to heal but sometimes the guilt is to much.

I feel that I. Order for us to heal as a couple we need to heal individually first, she seems reluctant and maybe doesn't want to heal I don't think I can heal without us healing together, feels like a situation that can't resolve in a good way.

Will just keep trying to stay positive, but not so much it clouds my judgment, and be a good husband and dad. Hopefully time will help, just not sure what I  will have left in me when enough has passed.

Untill next week

Hey lostsouls sorry that things are really difficult for you at home. My relationship with husband has been difficult for years and obviously has been worse recently since he found out. He to has taken his wedding ring off but you know I'm starting to become a bit immune to it I am NOT going to let anything stop me from recovering from this for both me and my son. I need to sort this out for me as obviously my son will become a man maybe go to uni etc so before this happens I want to be better and maintaining my recovery so that I can make choices for my own future. I've done wrong lostsouls and I'll always feel guilty about that but I'm not going to let it ruin the rest of my life. Is your wife perfect? Does she ever make mistakes? Well my husband has made mistakes and I haven't gone on and on about it. I know these mistakes we've made are big but I'm getting sick of beating myself up, I want to move away from that as poor self esteem doesn't help. So end of rant. Hope you let some peace in your lifelostsouls don't let things derail you. You are doing really good don't forget to be kind to yourself. Best wishes

12 weeks GF

 Lot more of the same this week. Still quite up and down emotionally, still in limbo about finances, still not sure if my wife and I will be able to move forward together as a couple. 

Truth be told it's all starting to ware me down a little, have also hurt my knee so can't even go out for a run (usually this is good for clearing my head and a good reminder that I'm trying to be my best me.

My grandparents (who are unaware of the situation, and I would rather keep it that way for now at least) are up visiting and I don't feel like I'm as president as I should be but I have a lot going on right now.

Can't paint the house as it seems to be constantly raining, feels like I'm failing at trying to pe proactive doing what the family needs, and that this in turn will lead my wife to think she doesn't need me around.

Will just try to stay positive and keep on keeping on

Hi lostsouls 12 weeks is massive. But life is not going so good. One thing that comes through is your constant anxiety and fear of losing your family which is entirely understandable but you will not be able to keep up' the if I please her she'll stay scenario ' I have done this it leaves you depressed anxious and exhausted. At some stage you are going to have to find out where your relationship is going. I know you feel guilty I do too and you want to make it better. But it takes 2 people to have a relationship , my relationship with my husband has been difficult for a long time but last week or so we are starting to make some headway. I am sorry v sorry but I'm not going to keep saying it he now knows everything and if he wants to be in a relationship with me" the recovering gambler " unfortunately he's going to have to help me stay that way, keep control of the finances and believe me that I want to get better but will always be an addict. Main thing for me is and I'm sorry if this seems selfish but I'm not going to punish myself forever or be punished ( he's not violent , never has been) forever as that has gone on in our relationship for years and although he is not to blame for my gambling how I allowed him to affect my self esteem has played a part. I was somewhat surprised by his agreement with me and I wonder if he has been seeking advice " he said that I've punished myself enough for both of us ". I totally understand that things could have gone the other way but I'm at a crossroads and was prepared. I worry for your mental health going forward if you keep needing to prove your worth. Are you getting any help to sort through these feelings? I hope you are and hope that things go your way but don't punish yourself forever. Best wishes

Thanks charlieboy, for your time to keep replying and for your wise words.

I do sort of feel the  same but I think things are two fresh and raw right now for me to be rocking the boat to much, this is all my fault after all.

I am getting help thanks, as you are very aware I'm sure, these things take some time and there is a lot to work through. But hopefully I'm heading on the right path.

Hiya lostsoul 

Congratulations on your 12wks my friend what an achievement. I get your still raw about finances as I'm the same myself every morning I still awaken with that feeling at the pit of my stomach, to be honest I don't know if that will ever go. I think it's the loss and speaking from my experience I had no way of covering it as was left with not a penny. My partners the same I've been sleeping on the sofa since the 24th of April she only has me back for the kids and to be honest I don't blame her, with me I used her PayPal account therefore stealing money off her she never had  £8000 in 1h, how ashamed I feel But that's not going to solve anything. If things keep like this I'm going to have to move out as the feeling in the air is terrible some times. I only wish I could turn back time But that is impossible so just have to keep going one day at a time gamble free as at the moment I hate the gambling company's but that's just down to the loss. Keep up the good work 

13 weeks GF

Normally update over the weekend but have been busy with the family which can't be a bad thing.

Am coming to the end of the gamechange CBD course and still have no urge to gamble so all good on that front. I hope others can find some strength on my small achievement  not time I update here should be day 99/100 GF.

Without getting to wrapped up in things it's possible that things may be looking a little better with my wife,  I'm not counting my chickens as I have thought this before and been wrong. 

Will just keep on keeping on, trying to be my best me, and hopefully the tide is slowly changing for us.

Untill next time 

Hi lostsouls. I'm glad things are starting to look on the up for you. Long may it continue for you you've worked hard to get this far. Well done

Ok here it is..... 100 days GF, actually 101 as I started writing this last night but could not get it finished.
 
While I was expecting this to be a happy day I write with a somber heart and feelings of dread.
 
After completing my CBT this week and also being declared bancrupt last week, some things seem to be moving onto the next chapter.

Along with continued support here and from  counselors  joined with a positive shift in my mental state, I thought I was doing quite well and with that was also helping my relationship with my wife. 

But alas I have fallen into the trap of seeing light at the end of the tunnel, it's just another mirage. My wife is no further along and our whole way of life is still hanging by thread I feel it can only take the weight for so long before it snaps. Yesterday as she went through some things there was lots of photos and memories that upset her, I alone have brought this pain upon the people I love the most! I'm not sure how I will be able to deal with the guilt for the rest of my life.

Everyone keep telling me I'm doing well and that's great to hear but the only opinion that truly meant anything to me is hers and I f****d it all up, quite probably beyond repair.

I don't feel like completing my workouts or running, I feel like I want to start smoking again, I feel like all my effort will be for nothing and I'm not sure what will become of us, them, or me afterwards.

How did I get so caught up in this whirlpool of debt and deceit that I could not see what would happen.

My wife thinks I only came clean to her as I had run out of credit, while this was a bit of a factor I manned up and told her the whole truth off my own back while all the debt was still my problem. Am I a scumbag that stole money from my kids saving account yes I am! (I will of course pay this back befor they ever knew it was missing) I did very very wrong I know that. Did I spend any of the mony from the joint house account even though I could. No I did not! Did I spend our savings which I could of got access to, No I did not! Did she find out when bailiffs where knocking on the door, No she did not, I came clean and did the hardest thing I have done in my whole life. Sometimes I wish I had not told her and things would still be like they where. I probably could of just declared myself bankrupt and quite the gambling without her ever knowing at least that way I wouldn't have ruined all our lives.

And to my next musing

How long is a piece of string.

I'm really struggling being held in limbo.

I messed up big time and destroyed the trust of my beautiful loving new wife. These are facts and I know them I can't change them.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well but I don't feel I am as we are not rebuilding our marriage.

People keep giving me advice and using the own life as an example which is great support but the overwhelming majority seem to be at least moving in the right direction after a shorter time than we are and after putting there family's in worse positions than I have.

I suppose I thought that our marriage was worth fighting for but we need to both want to fight for it and I don't think she does.

Should I just leave now should I give it another 3 months, a year, 5 years I don't no how much more of this limbo I can take it's not good for anyone.

For those that have been through similar how long did it take to get that desission either way.
 
The way I see it I have 3 options.

1) fight for our marriage and family, this is my preferred option but it takes two to tango.

2) try and start a fresh, I'm not sure I can do that with the amount of guilt I will be carrying and knowing the amount of pain I could cause anyone I get close to.

3) the dark thoughts that are creeping back in. I cried today walking down the beach with my kids as I thought about who and what to include in the note.

Hello Lostsouls,

Thanks for sharing your 100 day milestone with us, and particular thanks for sharing honestly about how challenging you are finding this time, and how hurt you feel.  It is good that you are able to be open about this, and you are communicating with us about it.   Sometimes milestones can be an anticlimax and often life can be painful, so it is heroic that you are maintaining your recovery in these testing times.  Recovery is more than abstaining from gambling, it is about caring for your emotional well-being and you are doing that by sharing with honesty.

If you ever feel like talking, we are available 24 hours a day on freephone 0808 8020 133.  You can call us as often as you need, if it supports your recovery.  Be kind to yourself as you might be kind to a friend, if you are struggling with melancholy you might need to be especially gentle and patient with yourself, but also take what action you might need to benefit your mood.  Walking on the beach with your children sounds like a good action, but if you are suffering with tearfullness and dark thoughts, then perhaps you need to take additional action to obtain more support.  That action might include calling us to find out more about further support available, and maybe talking with your GP if you are feeling depressed or suicidal at times.

You are not alone on the forum, thanks for being here.

Take care,

Adam.

@lostsouls Thanks for your share. 

I've thought very carefully about this so I hope it comes through.

Firstly, and most importantly, on your own, part of a couple, happy or sad, your kids still have and need a dad. As hard as it is being in this limbo that doesn't change a single thing about how they feel about you. Whenever I've had those thoughts my children are my driving force to not doing anything stupid or reckless that would hurt them for years to follow.

Secondly, well done for the 100 days plus. It's a really good start and you must have seen some  improvement from when gambling. No where does it say life will be perfect by stopping but it will be better.

Finally if you re-read your post, it's all about you. I, I, I. What about your wife? How long is it meant to take to get things back on track? How long before she trusts you? How is she doing and does she have an avenue for talking about her feelings? The truth is there is no time limit but we the gambler want it to our timeframe. It means listening to when she wants to talk, understanding that from her viewpoint this could happen again. What happens if it does? Are you really where you say you are? It was only after years after my wife had left me did I actually think about what I had put her through. Admittedly she didn't leave the first time I relapsed but there were a few times when I got kicked out and it took a while for her to want me back. I wanted that so I did whatever had to be done, including waiting for her. The chances are if you give her space, time and understanding things will work out for you both but if they don't they don't. Life still carries on and it will work itself out. 

So I totally get what you're going through but please just give it time.

Chris.

Hi @chris-uk thanks for taking the time to reply and yes it does come over as thoughtful and considered.

I am feeling a little brighter today. It's a new day and I have had time to consider the situation and draw on my own strength as well as the advice I have been given in recent times. I realise that it's only my perception s that have changed negatively and not really the situation around us.

No my life is much worse now then when I was gambling. Maybe in the future I will be able to say that it was the best thing to do but right now I'm on the verge of devorce and a broken home for my kids. 

It's not me the kids need it's a solid, caring, role model and farther figure. Hopefully I can be that man but I'm sure many others could also fill that roll. My youngest is still young enough that he would not have any memories of me anyway.

Yes 100 days is ok but it feels pretty meaningless and hollow without the love of my family.No my life is much worse now then when I was gambling. Maybe in the future I will be able to say that it was the best thing to do but right now I'm on the verge of devorce and a broken home for my kids. 

 Have tried to encourage her to get support but she seems a littl reluctant at the moment, maybe as she does not want to take advice of me. I'm always here to listen and I understand that it's me that has put this burden on her. I fully appreciate its my fault but I just want a second chance. I think I and the family deserve that. I think almost anyone deserves a second chance. 

Thanks again for your time wisdom from experience it has further helped my state of mind 

Edited for clarity

@lostsouls I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I totally get you and your position. 

It is tough and might not seem like it is worth it at the moment but if it's in you to be the good dad then you should try each day. My story with my wife and kids is almost too long to go into on here but although we split I never stopped being their dad in their eyes, despite getting myself into worse and worse situations! 

I was hoping that you would be better after a little while bet free but I suppose you used gambling to escape from the real world and now there's no where to run to. I get that. Living life on life's terms can be tough but if there's one thing that I get from not gambling and I remember whenever life is s**t is when I don't gamble there is hope. It might not seem like it but it's true. Hope is always there despite it sometimes being hard to find. 

As difficult as it seems, please believe that life will get better. It might not be the life you envisioned or it might be, but talking about your feelings will help. Good days, bad days, just talk. I'll listen.

I don't know if you go to GA but if you don't give them a try. Similar people, similar problems, success stories to inspire. 

I hope you find a little bit of peace today.

Chris.

108 days GF

Sorry bit late with the entry again.

Been very up and down this week. Even just yesterday I was up and down a lot, a little unusual for me to have such highs and lows all in one day normally I tend to be fairly stable over the course of a day good or bad.

Looking forward to my calls on wednesday, missed out last week due to holidays but I'm glad we will be speaking again this week.

Seem to be having less patience with the kids even though I'm trying to have more. Don't know what the the matter with me I love them so much but I can't seem to show it at the moment. This probably isn't helping my cause with my wife as im sure she won't want me around if I can't even be a good dad to my kids. 

My little girls starts school tomorrow so we are going to try and have a nice family day today. Hope this works out for her and we can all have a good day and she can really enjoy her last day before starting school.

Im sure there is more to tell but my brain isn't working well at the moment. 

Untill next time