Lost the plot...so back.

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milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Blimey, nearly a year since I've posted...

Had a blow out around March. Not gambled since. Money situation critical but I think I can survive. Maxed out on CCs but 0% for most. To be positive, my gambling is a lot, lot better than ever before. I am weary of it all. The monster appears occasionally and on the aforementioned time I couldn't resist and I lost alot of money. I don't want to do it again. I check back here regularly and see how my fellow gamblers are getting on. I wish everyone well with their battles. I wish I didn't have this urge but I accept I can't limit or control it. I just have to not do it.

Mm

 
Posted : 13th September 2016 8:05 pm
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Gambling off the radar, don't even do the Lotto anymore, but had a twang last week...a neighbour won several thousand off a 50p bet, and of course the word got around. He bought himself a new car, so he couldn't really keep it a secret...I'm happy for him, and the monster briefly reared its head. But I managed to remind myself of the mnay tens (if not hundreds) of thousands I've lost over a 30-year career of mindless gambling, and I continue to accept that I can never go back.

 
Posted : 10th October 2016 8:29 pm
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Don't the years fly...

I still read now and then. Haven't posted for a long time. My life situation has changed beyond recognition since I started posting. I'm now 47, 4 children, and financially OK since I sold my house and move in with my g/f. I have gambled occasionally...mostly small amounts in the pub or in an arcade on the 2p machines (pushing / grabbers, with the kids). Rarely I have visited an online casino and bet far too much but been lucky. The demons are always there but are, and have been, largely under control. I am always one step away from the horrors of the last 30 years but have managed to check myself before it has gone too far.

Happy New Year to all my old friends on GamCare

Mm

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 8:41 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Congratulations milkman. Reading your post I gather you are living a good life in a happy family unit with finances in order. I don't know if i am missing something here but you seem to be saying you are gambling but have it under control. Please forgive me if I have misunderstood your post but I understand that we as compulsive gamblers cannot gamble in a controlled way.

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 9:48 pm
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Thanks for your comment on my diary.

Perhaps my entry wasn't a good one. All compusive gamblers, myself included, are forever inflicted with the illness and therefore control is impossible. However, there is usually a border, a threshold, where incontrol takes over...and my couple of dalliances didn't cross it. I wouldn't advise anyone having a punt under any circumstances. I was just updating my diary honestly. Sorry if it upset you. I'll delete it if you think it's provocative

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 10:52 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I don't think he was Abstainer, I think its more of an update on where he is. He has been around along time and I very much doubt he endorses gambling more just telling how it is.

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 10:53 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Sorry Milkman and Frozen maybe i'm just over sensitive.

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 11:22 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hey Milky, good to see you back & doing well 🙂

I do have to concur with Stephen though & whilst I accept that our ‘pilot light is always on’, don’t stoke the fire my friend! You’ve witnessed enough people come back here after a prolonged period gamble free to say that they fell into the trap of thinking they had it under control...Leave these lapses in your past & stay safe - ODAAT

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 11:35 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Well done if you can control it milkman but the majority of the people on here cannot,I don't think your being over sensitive abstainer as you have a valid point if you are a compulsive gambler then you cannot control it,I know I can't,but maybe milkman has overcome his addiction,is there a way of beating it and being able to control gambling again after so many days gamble-free?

 
Posted : 1st January 2018 11:37 pm
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

A very quick, long overdue update.

I rumbled along for quite a long time without any serious urges or problems. I did a bit of small betting, not regularly but just as and when...putting my change in a bandit in the pub while waiting for a friend to arrive, for example. I doubt it was once a month. I also continued to sporadically do the lottery. None of these seemed to cause me any problems.

The big crunch came last Sept. I was on holiday without the wife and with just 2 (of the 4) little kids. I had my laptop for work in the evening. Well, you can probably guess...I went on an online site which I HAD self-excl from, but it had expired...5 years, no less. Had to wait 24hours to have access. The following night, when the kids were in bed, stoked with alcohol (me, not the kids) I reopened my account and played some stupid game that I would never have usually glanced at (I'm a cards man usually).

By fluke, I won a reasonably large sum of money. Right, I told myself, keep it 'FUN'. So I cashed out, waiting for the usual problems (ID, security checks...one extremely well-known High Street shop in the past made me explain to them 'how I won at BJ before they paid me - I told them 'therandom number-generator generated better numbers for me than you') but the problems never came. I got the money. I was v happy, and spoiled the kids and myself for the last remaining days. I vowed to not make the same mistake as always...we all know that money won is just money borrowed - but I was determined to break the cycle.

Payback came in March; no excuses, but the trigger was a petty family argument concerning my Dad's death a few months previously, just a flash in the pan but enough to unbalance me. I gambled stupidly with high stakes and quickly lost everything I'd won 6 months before. I also lobbed an extra 2k for good measure and lost that too.

I closed the account immediately and double-checked all the others were secure too. The financial damage was manageable since it has been a few years now since I gambled recklessly, but emotionally it did me no good. Sleepless nights and sweats, thoughts of all the things I've denied myself and my family so we could clear the debt and then have a better life, etc etc.

When I made my last post several months ago I had some unhappy replies about tempting people, but that it obviously not my intention. This is my diary, and I do reread it now and again, and I need to know what I'm thinking to know who I am. I also need to read the smug 'under control' entries to realise how wrong I can be. I've been coming here long enough (?9 years) to see the patterns but this time I thought I'd got it licked. I know I have triggers - usually an emotional one, but can be alcohol if I'm not careful. I know the Mantra is not to gamble on anything, but I can see that there are green, yellow and red flags for me. I'm never going to get hooked on the lottery because it's so boring, or bingo for that matter... but online gambling is so easy, no money is seen, everything is so personal, I don't have to worry what anyone thine thinks about my stakes, etc...it is my drug, and my big red flag. I don't often go in real casinos because I can't bear to see the money go if I lose. I wonder if the 'yellow flags' - slots in pubs, very occasional football bet (2x a year maybe) are not in themselves dangerous ie I wouldn't spend much money on them because they don't interest me so much, but they instill an arrogant confidence that gives me 'permission' to move up a level to my 'out-of-control' status, and online gambling.

Anyway, 3 months since the blowout, still here and still trying. Still reading here on a weekly basis. Don't post much but I'm thinking I ought to, and write on others' diaries too, it helped before.

 
Posted : 28th May 2018 7:03 pm
xangel11x
(@xangel11x)
Posts: 113
 

I bet you have a massive amount of love, advice and inspiration to give poeple through your own many experiences, we don't always see how we would be able to help others but sometimes stuff works in mysterious ways and just reading some of your diary tells me what a strong person you must be.

Even when you were just controlling the addiction rather than going abstinent, you still showed that devil the better of you.

You are right though, it is a drug and it's mine too. I just fight every day like you to try and be in control of me and not have something controlling me.

Hats off to you for how far you have come, ups downs or all arounds you are still kicking that addictions b**t!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it helps me and probably many others and hopefully you too x

 
Posted : 28th May 2018 10:01 pm
cardhue
(@cardhue)
Posts: 839
 

Why not go zero tolerance, for starters? In the context of being a long-term addict (with accompanying destruction), there's something inherently contradictory about a) playing down 'non-trigger' gambling, eg lottery, and b) also refusing to give these up.

If going zero tolerance only 'might' make a difference - why are you not willing to make this relatively small commitment?

Are you just making 'rationalisations' to justify gambling?

I sense with many long term GC-ers they stop actually making any bold decisions. There can be a fatigue, of 'tried it all before', when in fact thy haven't. It's just more self - justification to carry on business as usual.

Hope you can take some decisive moves. Hope you can be bold.

Louis

 
Posted : 29th May 2018 6:49 am
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Thanks for the post, Louis. You may be right, although I have to say I haven't done the lottery for a couple of years now. My last football bet was 9 months ago...I will take your advice; just the thought of an 'acceptable' form of gambling nay be enough to trigger the 'unacceptable'. I will honestly abstain from all forms.

*edit*

Actually, Louis, this is precisely why I do the diary; I've just read last night's post back and I see how it reads, justifications etc. Yours is a textbook 'proper' response, I am deluding myself, rationalisation, justification, any way to gamble and get the 'hit'...and so on. And I think it's right, but I would add that, in addition to all that, I do believe that there is a large part of me that wants to be like everyone else - I mean non-addicts, my friends who play 50p a week or just do the G Nat once a year, or who have their line of Lot numbers once a week. I would love to be that person. So, through all the rationalisation, there is a person who wants to be normal.

Maybe I'm over-thinking...but that's why you're my diary!

Thanks again

 
Posted : 29th May 2018 11:19 am
Lordlucan
(@lordlucan)
Posts: 107
 

Hi milkman 

hope your well where ever you are 

when I first signed up to the site four years ago you were the first person to hit me up and encourage me on my route to recovery so I had to drop you a line. 

After reading your recent entry’s your patterns are remarkably close to my own currently affairs on this crazy  journey.

You are definitely doing excellent work though at times have difficult moments of madness.

I really look forward to hearing more of the same positive steps from  you in the near future 

keep fighting mate 

This post was modified 5 years ago by Lordlucan
 
Posted : 15th July 2019 11:30 pm
milkman
(@milkman)
Posts: 355
 

Hello Lord Lucan,

Thanks for remembering me! Periodically I read the diaries and it was a surprise to see mine near the top after so long.

It's 18 months since I posted and a year ago I had one stupid moment when I lost 500, on holiday and left alone for an evening. It was in an arcade on jackpot slots.  I was almost foaming at the mouth when it happened, talking to myself about how stupid I was (there was no-one else in there) but still shovelling the money in nonetheless. I hated myself. It did me a lot of good, it was almost like an out-of-body experience, and it must have strengthened my resolve since I haven't done anything like it since. I've had a few quid here and there, literally a few quid on the lottery and the odd pub bandit playing change from a tenner after buying a drink, but no blow outs. I've avoided situations where I could be tempted.

I reread parts of my diary tonight and it comes across as 'smug' occasionally. I am not cured and I am not, in general, in control. I should stop all forms of gambling, forever, immediately. However, there are triggers and favourites and I have learnt to avoid them. I would love to play BJ, I miss it and the buzz it gave me (there's nothing like it). But I know I can't, and even when sozzled I've kept my resolve, turning down invitations to go the casino for a drink after hours. It is much better now than it was 10, even 5 years ago. I am in a better place and much, much more wary than before. I will not give up.

 

Mm

 

 

 
Posted : 16th July 2019 7:56 pm
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