Living with my biggest mistake

Posted by: holycrosser

I turn the radio off now, it’s littered with gambling ads etc all day every day, sick of it,

Yes, I know what you mean, I find commercial and digital TV the worst though. Almost impossible to go through one set of advert breaks without some some sort of gambling advert or programme sponsorship.

The radio gambling tips segment was on Radio 4 though, you would have thought by now they would have realised how inappropriate this is to every day give out a set of horse racing tips on the BBC which we are all virtually forced into paying for through the licence fee.  

Turned over to heart radio, guess what, an advert for a bingo site I  give up. Switching the lot off, it’s a sad thing when I have to do that mind.

sorry to hijack diary

200 days GF. One of those round numbers that was so important when I was gambling - "I'll just keep gambling until I have won £X, oh dear I've lost it all".

No real urges to gamble but this coincides with me being relatively busy and having good things going on in my life so no real surprise there. It is when things aren't going on so well that I need to be most careful. 

Had a couple of thoughts about I am coming up to almost a year since I signed up to Gamstop for 5 years. I am fairly relaxed about my inability to gamble - my head is clear that I can't with Gamstop in place. However I do wonder if I am subconciously counting down the next 4 years. I can deal with that by just extending the Gamstop exclusion when it gets closer and there might be something else in place by then anyway. 

Non gambling related issue come up. I have put on over 1/2 stone in weight in the last 6 months which I only noticed because I thought I had shrunk a couple of pairs of trousers, turns out they had stayed the same size but I hadn't!  I have been basically the same weight for around the last 25 years and never really had to worry about what I ate or putting on weight. That needs sorting so a couple of changes to my diet implemented. Got a BIG birthday coming up in a couple of weeks - like to see if I can start moving some of the weight off by then.    

Hello Muststop,

Congrats on 200 days. I noticed i ate more when i first gave up gambling tbh. Old habbits die hard huh? Addiction and self punishment can show themselves in differnet forms and can shift over time. Just try to be aware and take care of yourself in every way you can.

All the best.

Checking in 214 days GF.

No urges to gamble and don't seem to be noticing as many gambling adverts as before - I am sure they are still there in the same numbers so maybe becoming less disturbed by them which is possibly not a good sign as could be a sign of complacency. 

Only lost about 1/2 pound in weight in two weeks but that included some fairly significant eating/drinking over birthday so at least I have not put any more on. Glass half full attitude will only work for so long, I've taken quite of lot of bad things out of my diet and thought I was being fairly strict with myself but obviously not enough - time to up the exercise as well. 

Checking in day 263 GF.

Nothing much to update gambling wise – GAMSTOP prevents me doing anything stupid and that seems to work for me in terms of dulling any urges.

Still get the odd delusional thought of how gambling could provide that drug like endorphin kick with the thrill of the big win. Nonsense of course and much more likely to end in tears, despair and a whole lot of wasted time and emotions.

I don’t need extra money for anything specific (as if gambling was going to provide it anyway) and have fortunately not landed myself with any significant debt so the financial impact overall has been minimal. Possibly why my mind often brings up the thought of what could have been if I had stopped at the “right” time when I was up significantly financially. Crazy thing is that if I did gamble again and won big I would not be able to enjoy it anyway as how would I explain where it came from? It would probably all get spent on divorce costs.

Starting to ramble a bit but think what it comes down to is that gambling only really has an attraction for me for the adrenalin and excitement it gave rather than the money. Advice on here is often to find something else to replace that feeling. Got to say that going to the gym or taking up a new hobby or meeting up with old friends does not really replace it for me. Think I need to accept that it is not something that can be replaced like for like, but given the horrific lows it also creates, it is something that just has to be excluded from my life.

Good luck everyone

Muststop123

Checking in day 278 GF

Been on holiday and family played bingo one evening for 30 mins or so. I did not partake although I was in the room (a bar, not a bingo hall) which I guess some might consider wrong but I can honestly say it has no draw or attraction for me - think it is the speed of the game, I seem to like to lose my money a lot quicker. If they had played all night they would have lost less than I used to lose on one spin at my worse stage.  

Also recently told a couple of very close friends about my problem with gambling, admittedly after a few drinks. They seemed surprised but then went on to talk about how they had lost much larger amounts on an overseas land purchase that went wrong and a poor business decision. Soon became obvious they had no idea about gambling addiction - why would they? Not sure anyone who has not experienced a gambling problem can ever really fully understand, I guess from the outside it is easy to see it as greed, stupidity, lack of self control, selfishness etc. and CG should just pull themselves together. I kind of regret telling them now - as we left one of them said "don't worry, I won't tell anyone about it" like it was some dirty secret. 

Other than that nothing to report - Gamstop in place and that keeps me on the straight and narrow - my mind seems to accept that I cannot gamble so not really any urges. I am sure there are ways around it but the thought of giving any financial details to some dodgy overseas site that probably won't even pay out if I won is not really appealing. 

Continue to read diaries on here in order to try and keep complacency at bay as relapses seem possible at any stage, be it a week, a month or years later.   

Good luck to everyone struggling - just remember however low you are, there is only one guarantee and that is if you continue gambling things can only get worse, any short term success will only be followed by even lower lows. 

Muststop123

Checking in 292 days GF.

Heading towards a similar number of days GF where I previously had a relapse. So my history goes I hardly gamble at all for 48 years (no compulsive gambling behaviour), then gamble completely uncontrollably for three or four months, then find this site and remain GF for about 300 days, then have a relapse for a month or so and now find myself back almost 300 days GF.

I remain in that dangerous state of complacency but I don't think I can gamble online because of Gamstop so fortunately my mind does not seem to bother to try and lure me back to gambling.

I do continue to come on here and read posts fairly regularly to try and keep the complacency at bay. What does still amaze me is that despite the huge range of age, life situations, amounts gambled, time gambled, impacts on self/family/relationships/finances/mental well being etc, how similar most peoples behaviour is when it comes to actually gambling. The inability to stop when any rational person would walk away or continuing to gamble in the same way when it should be obvious based on previous experience that things are not going to end well seems to be the norm. I guess that is addiction but it does help me realise that whilst my behaviour while I was gambling was obviously totally inappropriate/bad/wrong/stupid/irresponsible (take your pick) it was not particularly unique or that unusual compared to other problem gamblers so why would I expect any attempt to gamble again to go well given the evidence on here? 

Good luck everyone. 

Muststop123    

Day 297 GF - no idea why I continue to count days, guess it becomes a habit.

Not a good weekend. Minor tiff with the wife - she said something which irritated me, I reacted and said something in reply which annoyed her - neither really to blame, just one of those minor disagreements that every relationship has.

We have half an hour of silence/fuming by both of us until she does the adult thing and comes upto me puts her arms around me, we both apologise and it should have been over. But I could not let it go. I was in a childish huff for the rest of the weekend even though I pretended everything was ok. 

So what does this have to do with gambling? Well one of my first thoughts as I continued to be annoyed was how about I stick a chunk of money in an online casino and play some spins. Started fantasying about hitting a feature and winning a few £100s. 

It never goes away, does it? I have absolutely no doubt if I had been able to gamble it would not have stopped when I won a little bit of money. I would have wanted more and carried on until I had lost everything and then started chasing. Fortunately Gamstop stopped me but I hate that any little annoyance/issue in life and my mind immediately throws up gambling as a solution as if that is going to make things better. 

The poison never leaves us once it is in us. 

300 days GF today. Minor milestone in terms of days I suppose, a year will be better.

Read a post on here where someone commented about the difference between being a recovering addict or a recovered addict. If you are still in the position where given the opportunity, i.e. the time, money and access to gambling would you? I sadly have to admit I would. I have written a lot, especially early on, about my hatred of the gambling industry and how I do not want to give them another penny. That is still true, I don't want to give them any money but given the opportunity I'd love the kick of endorphins of gambling big and winning.

I guess the only difference between now and 301 days ago is then I was prepared to suffer the much more likely negative consequences of gambling - the risk of losing my family, the appalling levels of lying and deceit I was prepared to accept, the day/nights of worrying/stressing of what I had done and the financial impacts. 

I am not prepared to accept those consequences anymore so while I will have to accept I may never be a recovered addict I can chose a much better life without gambling in it. 

I have to say I am pretty much certain I could not have lasted 300 days without Gamstop - it seemed to arrive at almost the ideal time for me. As others have said on here, if you are serious about giving up online gambling then you really have no excuse for not signing up for 5 years - its free, now seems to cover most UK casinos (and you would be mad to deposit with the dodgy ones who are not signed up) and no one needs to know you have signed up unless you tell them. If you are struggling to commit to signing up to 5 years then you need to really take a hard look at yourself decide if you are really serious about stopping.   

Good luck everyone

Muststop123

Not a great weekend.

Due to a medical issue, instead of a day out with my son I have spent most of the day in bed in quite some pain. Wife been brilliant as always looking after me but been a miserable day.

So guess what my poisoned mind suggests? You've guessed it, wouldn't a little gamble make you feel better?

I can't because of Gamstop and won't because I refuse to hurt my wife and son with the inevitable losses and subsequent lying and deceit.

Sleep is going to be difficult tonight as I have done little activity today and am still in some pain. Have read a few threads on here and that helps strengthen my resolve. No positives on here about gambling.

Keep strong everyone

Well I am nothing if not reliable. Reliably weak.

Spent some time looking for holes in my blocks, exploited them and gambled. Stakes quickly got ridiculously high (more than many people earn in a week on the spin of some computer graphics) and at one point I actually won a life changing amount – could have bought a flat in most parts of the country. Needless to say, I then proceeded to give it all back. The amounts I was losing in a day became eye watering as I continued with the high stakes and chased to get back to the amount I originally won. Each time I said I would stop because I still had a decent sum but never did.

Fortunately I managed to stop before it actually turned into a loss so no financial damage done, just a lot of wasted energy, time and upset. Waking up each morning realising what I had lost the previous night and thinking what I could have done with the money for my family was pretty heart wrenching. All the old feelings of self loathing and being a pathetic human being came back.

Won’t say how I gambled as I do not like to give others ideas but that hole in the blocks is now permanently removed. Should have done it before but I used the inconvenience excuse.

I appreciate most will read this and say I have been exceedingly lucky as it could have been a huge debt I had run up and I agreed.

The point of this post is not to ask for sympathy or support – I have not actually lost any money and I am feeling relieved now that I cannot gamble, I can sleep easier and stop wasting my time. The cash was never in my bank account so I just need to accept it was never mine.

Reason for post is just to highlight to us all that as CG there is no happy ending when you gamble. It really does not matter how much you win it will never be enough. The short term high of winning will inevitably be followed by a downward spiral of losses until you have lost the lot or more.

Don’t be like Muststop123 because he is an idiot.

Good luck all.

Hi Muststop123

I'm a bit of a ghost around here these days when it comes to posting, but I just want to offer a word of support for what it's worth. 

I'm glad you stopped gambling before you made any losses into negative amounts, but it's always a shocker when you relapse. I think because you have such a strong resolve month after month - and then somehow the addiction nudges its way back to the surface.  

I don't feel like I can offer any advice that isn't already blindingly obvious. But it's good you've shut down the possibly of doing it again by removing whatever loopholes you discovered. 

If you feel there's any danger of finding another way to gamble online, I'd  head back to counselling or GA. I worry that you'll lose the trust and respect your family at some point if it happens again and that's a place you don't ever want to find yourself. That's a sting that'll never go away. 

Online gambling is the most dangerous type of gambling. My weakness is land casinos, but I see these as harmless penny arcades compared to online sites. I don't mean to make light of them and I know they're not, but it's a thousand times harder handling real money in a real environment - and seeing it go - compared to the ease of online transactions. So please do ensure that you shut down any possibility of you gambling online. I remember you had somehow skirted the system before, so it looks like there could be another chance it might happen again. 

I'm still struggling with gambling. Nothing major besides trying to sneak into the odd casino, but I'd never ever ever want to gamble online again. It's an evil nasty place to put yourself. 

Take care 

Equinox

Posted by: Muststop123

... and thinking what I could have done with the money for my family was pretty heart wrenching. 

I've been thinking about your post a little more. If this would have happened, I honestly believe that this would have felt like dirty money and it would have felt grubby splashing cash from polluted gambling wins. 

I always fantasised about validating my gambling habit with a big announcement that I've paid the mortgage off and my son's university tuition in one fell swoop, but it's all a bit dreamy and sad. 

Gambling is a dirty, secretive little habit - not some doorway into family fun. 

We will always be gamblers and all that really matters is how much we can stop ourselves from edging towards totally bottoming out. And you've done brilliantly well so far with a couple of slip ups. 

Hi Equinox

It is good to hear from you. I am glad to know you are ok and managing to hold the beast of gambling away for the most. 

I agree about the money being dirty money. To be honest my first reaction when I won the big amount was how on earth am I going to explain this to my wife. Even if she did forgive me for gambling the money would always be tainted, whatever we used it for. However bizarre it will seem to most people I think losing it is probably a better long term outcome. I have learnt that gambling is completely pointless for me as I will never benefit financially as I will never stop. This is not a new concept and everyone with any sense would have come to this conclusion long ago but it seems I needed an extreme example to teach myself this lesson. 

I can't deny I am still having thoughts about how I could have filtered the money gradually into our finances and made things easier for us in the future but these thoughts will lessen with time I am sure just as the pain of previous gambling has. I am no worse off than I was financially a few weeks ago, I have just learnt another lesson, and gone through another period of misery waking up every morning hating myself. 

In terms of not being able to gamble again, I appreciate my words hold little credibility given two relapses but I am confident that all sources of gambling funds have now been eliminated. The validity of this will only really be proved in a year or so as the last two relapses have come after 300 days or so. 

Good luck with your continuing recovery, keep away from those casinos.

Muststop123