Living with my biggest mistake

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Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Never really gambled much in the past. Lottery, small bets (£2-5) on world cup/euro football for a bit of fun at home and few small bets at the horses. All completely in the open, with my family and with wife’s full knowledge and usually participation.

I started using online gambling when the French tennis open was on this year. Got hooked in with a free bet offer which I managed to gamble up to about £100 gambling really cautiously on low odd sports bets. Then I saw roulette on the site and thought it looked like fun and given the £100 was “free” money did not see the harm. Only betting a £1 a go but soon started winning a bit and started doubling my bets when I lost – thought I was really clever. As I was up a few £100s I started betting higher amounts upto £25 a spin but it was never a problem because I kept winning. Got upto about £2700 after about a week and told myself I would round it off to £3000, withdraw it and tell my wife how clever/lucky I had been and take her on a holiday with the cash. I was really impressed with myself. Then the losing started and did what everyone does and tried to chase my losses until I was placing bets of £200-£300. Lost it all and felt really stupid but told myself I had not really lost anything as it had never actually been in my bank account so just a lesson in life and try and forget about it.

Then the problems started. I convinced myself that if I had won once, I could do it again, so started with £100 and lost it all so convinced myself that I needed a bigger stake to deal with small losing streaks so started depositing £250 a go and then £500. Lost it all. Now I was £2000 down which I thought I might be able to cover without my wife knowing, maybe sell a few things. But of course I wanted our £2000 back so I carried gambling and somehow managed to get almost back to £2000 but blew it all again. Kept going and started using our joint savings. By this stage it made me feel sick just playing the game but I was desperate to win our money back before anyone noticed. Of course I did not and I ended up £4000 down. Managed to stop and convinced myself I could somehow hide the £2000 I had taken out of our savings if I could put a bit more away for the next six months or so. After being physically sick in the car park at work after losing more money playing at lunchtime I figured I was done.

Roll forward a month and I started on the roulette and on-line slots again. Had a bit of luck and actually won about £3500 which would have put me virtually back where I was. I was so happy. The dark thoughts and unhappiness lifted and I just thought about how incredibly lucky I had been to be given a second chance and an opportunity to put it all behind me as a huge stupid mistake. It was like a lottery win. Two weekends ago I lost it all and more. I spent the whole of Saturday night/Sunday morning until 6.00am in the spare room (said I had a cold and did not want to keep my wife awake with coughing) trying to win back our money. Got within a couple of £100s and instead of just accepting a small loss, tried to get it all back and lost it all.

I understand I am lucky that this is not debt like many others have incurred but it still something I need to deal with. At the moment I am trying to carry on as if nothing has happened, going to work and doing the normal things couples do all the time but inside it is all I can think about and keep bursting into tears whenever I am on my own – pretty pathetic for a 48 year man and definitely not normal behaviour for me. I have a fairly responsible job and I think most people who know me would consider me a fairly cautious and sensible person, I am not a normal risk taker in any other part of my life, which makes my behaviour even more out of character and probably difficult for my wife to understand.

I have now lost £5000 of our savings which I have no way of recouping. I have self excluded myself from the sites I was using and given it made me feel sick using them I don’t have any desire to gamble anymore. The last 4 months just seem to have been a bit of a blur with a completely separate gambling life going on alongside what appears to be a normal one. My wife is unlikely to find out in the short term but she might notice at some point whether it is next week or next month or next year.

At the moment I am just carrying on smiling and pretending everything is fine and planning things for the future together (even holidays!), whilst feeling sick and like a fraud the whole time. I am struggling to sleep and as soon as I wake up the first thing that comes into my mind is what I have done and it does not leave me all day. Last night my son came to me and said he wanted to start up a hobby we used to enjoy together and instead of being really happy I felt like breaking down at the thought of where I was going to find the money which would never have been a problem just 4 months ago. Ended up going for a walk in the dark just so no-one would see how I was emotionally and when a car went past at speed, just for split second, thought how it might not be so bad if the driver had lost control and hit me. Cowardly, I know, and not something I am going to dwell on. Came back in and son is watching a comedy on tv so I sit down with him and laugh along as if nothing is wrong and I am not completely f*****g (sorry) up a great life.

I know the right thing is to tell my wife but the shame and fear of how she might react is stopping me. Obviously if she finds out herself it will be even worse. Even though I know I am making the wrong decision not telling her I tell myself that telling her will definitely have bad outcomes whereas not telling her I might just possibly get away with it – childish logic.

Not sure if I consider myself a compulsive gambler (is that a potential problem?) as I have no desire to gamble in any way but it has only been 9 days. Guess if I get the desire again then I really have a problem.

Really sorry for length of post and thanks if anyone actually got to the end. I think I just needed to get it all out.

I will keep this diary going so I can keep my thoughts in some way straight. Even writing some of the above has got a few things a bit clearer in my mind.

 
Posted : 3rd October 2017 11:08 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Welcome.

You’ve said that you don’t think you’re a compulsive gambler but reading your post you seem to tick all the boxes. Admitting to having a problem with gambling is step one in overcoming the problem. Denying it gives the addiction power.

Right now you’re not going to want to gamble you’ve just had a heavy loss. But give it a few days weeks months that loss disappears almost like it never happened. And that’s when the real guilt will come when you start getting desperate lies start coming out that fast you lose track of reality. That’s when the gambler runs back to the one thing they think can solve all the problems one big win. I told myself that one many times it never came. For me I started winning when I started saying no.

If you believe your family will find out sooner or later why not do it now on your terms? You’re one conversation away from releasing the weight that is currently on your shoulders.

I’ve read your story countless times and even lived it. One thing that partners always say is why didn’t you come to me sooner and tlthe thing that angers them the most is not the money as such it’s the countless lies we tell.

5k is a serious sum of money but without some serious help now that 5 will be 50 in the blink of an eye believe me.

That’s just my advice and you can take what you want from it.

Regarding the initial wins consider it the hook. Similar to how drug dealers operate basically giving out the good stuff ie easy wins making you think this is easy and then once your hooked giving you the rubbish stomped stuff knowing you’ll be back for more and more. If the sites showed there true colours straight away know one would play them after they’ve spent the free money would they?

I’ll leave it there for now as I imagine you have a lot to think about. But well done for reaching out.

 
Posted : 3rd October 2017 3:52 pm
(@lethe)
Posts: 960
 

Telling your wife is going to result in some pretty bruising conversations, yes and very likely a fair amount of inconvenience when it come to you having access to money but not telling her takes away her informed choices and leaves you open to the very real threat of talking yourself into chasing your losses further once the pain of this episode fades as it will.

Having been in your wife's position I can 100% assure you she would rather know now. She will find out anyway. Tell her while the losses are limited to savings and before the destructive spiral of debt sets in.

 
Posted : 3rd October 2017 5:43 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

Hello Muststop123. Welcome to the GamCare forum and sharing so honestly what has happened and how you have been feeling. You have said you are not sure whether you are a compulsive gambler. If you're not sure, you could try the Self-Assessment tool on the front of our website. Or you can give us a call on the freephone helpline 008 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine. We won't pressure you to take any action you don't want to, but we can offer you free, confidential, 1:1 support to help you talk things through and, if you want, we can also offer face to face counselling to help you decide what you want to change and how you want to change it.

I know you said you don't want to dwell on your thoughts about the car hitting you, but it's worrying that your thoughts went there. If you find your thoughts going in that direction again, please, do seek help. You could contact your GP, or the Samaritans on 116 123.

Keep posting,

Deirdre

Forum Admin

 
Posted : 3rd October 2017 8:11 pm
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Thank you all for taking time to reply.

Actually starting to talk about it (albeit through an anonymous forum) makes it feel even more real. It is still too easy to think about it as some kind of nightmare that I might wake up from. Unfortunately not and again wake up this morning and bang, first thing I think about and three hours later at work not stopped thinking about it.

I have done an online questionnaire to help indicate if I am a compulsive gambler and it does suggest my behaviour could be that of a compulsive gambler. I have no doubt that at many points during the last four months I was behaving as one – chasing losses, not stopping until I had lost everything and secrecy all seem to be significant pointers to this. I still can’t quite believe that I wait until I am 48 to suddenly start behaving like this with no prior addictive traits to anything but I guess everyone is different.

Going to have to leave this now. At work and getting upset and someone is going to notice.

Thank you, need to think

 
Posted : 4th October 2017 8:38 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

I now know I am a complusive gambler.

Last night I got sent an email offering me some free money basically because I had lost so much in the previous month but came with 5x wagering. Should have just ignored it but didn't. Played with it, lost it. Deposited more money, got back up to £2000 ahead by about 3.00am (great plans of using this to replace some of savings) then by 4.00am this morning had lost it all again. Am now another £1000 down.

Looks like everyone's words were correct, just thought I had a bit more time to work out what to do. Will be telling my wife tonight and next steps will depend a bit on result of that. I will seek help for gambling but may have other issues to deal with if she needs some space and I have to move out.

Today is probably going to be the worst day of my life and it is all self inflicted.

 
Posted : 5th October 2017 8:25 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi again that’s 2 positive steps one being you now admit you have a problem. So now you can start doing something about it . Second positive step telling your wife. 99 percent of people can’t do it alone. And you’ve just proved that by jumping on the first free bet that came your way. I use the word “free” lightly,

Worst case scenario you may split from your wife for some time but again that’s worst case. But if you don’t speak up now you’ll be dragging your family down with you for no reason other than being scared. Chances are she will stick with you and help you overcome this addiction. Instant weight lifted from shoulders.

Ps change your email address and leave the old one behind

 
Posted : 5th October 2017 9:24 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Chickened out telling my wife yet again on Thursday with an excuse of us both being too busy driving our son around in the evening

Yesterday I finally did it. Waited until she came back in after seeing a friend and just did it as soon as she came in before I could chicken out again. Was pretty horrific from my perspective and hardest thing I have ever had to do. Pure shame over both what I have done in terms of losing so much money in such a stupid way and then failing to tell her until it had got so far out of control.

Could not have been more supportive and made me realise I pretty obviously don't deserve her but guess I should just take that as a blessing. She has accepted the lost money is gone and is not coming back which she is obviously pretty annoyed about but happier it is £6000 and not £60,000 which it could have been if I had carried on. She is more upset that I could not talk to her which I need to be better at and stop saying everything is fine when quite obviously it is not.

Think her main emotion is shock. She can't quite believe I have gone from almost no gambling to out of control in just four months. Not thrown me out and agreed not to tell our son which to be honest may well have pushed me over the edge. She admits the anger may come later which I will have to take on the chin.

Transferred all savings to her this morning and set up some rules for other accounts.

Have booked a counseling session for later next week which initially my wife wanted to attend but asked if I can go to this one on my own to start with and look to have some joint ones afterwards, maybe alongside some individual ones for either or both of us.

Feeling pretty raw at my stupidity and the permanent damage I have done to my marriage. Struggling to be very positive at the moment and really don't like myself very much. Hopefully time and counselling will improve three.

Into 3 days gf and no urges at all to gamble.

 
Posted : 7th October 2017 12:52 pm
(@lethe)
Posts: 960
 

I'm not sure what you mean by rules for other accounts. The only access Mr L has to bank accounts is via a bank card on the joint account which I look at daily. Everything else is in my name and inaccessible to him.

It's good that she's supportive but she's in shock at the moment. She needs to understand it would be very unwise to trust you around money both now and ongoing. It's very easy for gamblers to tell us what we want to hear and we fall for it because we're desperate for it all to be over when the reality is the addiction can be arrested but never cured. Has she got support for herself? It's a lot to cope with alone when it comes out of the blue.

Keeping a gambler's secrets often doesn't end well. I didn't tell the kids first time round and both they and I lived to regret it. If your son is old enough I would suggest telling him. It protects both you and him.

Is your counselling via Gamcare? They offer free sessions which Mr L found very useful. Look into GA too. Many here will tell you stopping gambling is easy. It's the staying stopped that's the challenge and you will find the support and advice from people who have been there and get it in a way non gamblers never will invaluable.

 
Posted : 7th October 2017 6:02 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Well done you just achieved in 3 days what some people take a lifetime to achieve. Hopefully the counselling will be of massive help going forward. 4 months isn’t necessarily a long time in terms of addiction so you touched the fire and it burnt your fingers. Just make sure you don’t forget how hot the flame was. To give a little advice terminate the gambling from here on in . Don’t get to some point next year and think you’re cured you won’t be . You’ll be just as bad once you cross the line to compulsive there’s know going back . Good luck

 
Posted : 8th October 2017 6:08 pm
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Thanks for comments and advice both.

Just to be clear, Lethe, my salary now leaves my account the same day it goes in and goes to a joint account for monthly household bills and my wife’s account for savings. I have access to a joint credit card and the joint account but we are going to review these daily online. I have access to no other money. She has been extremely supportive but any gambling going forward and I am out the door as it is not fair on her or the rest of the family.

I think the analogy of touching fire is pretty accurate, Wentworth, some people can deal with playing around the fire whilst others just get sucked in and get burnt. I will have permanent scars from this due to the hurt I have caused my wife and the utter humiliation to myself over what I have done but I don’t think remembering how I currently feel will do me any harm in terms of making sure I never go near the fire again.

Actually looking forward to counselling in a perverse sort of way. I know it may make me face up to some pretty unpleasant truths about myself but it is the next step after telling my wife and handing over control of our money.

Weekend was a bit odd as had some really great time with eldest stepson coming over for a family dinner on the Saturday which was really nice and out Sunday morning with family and then a board game with youngest and wife before bedtime. Felt really lovely and then in between having to deal with practicalities over finances and dark thoughts when on my own.

Have started going for daily 45 min speed walks to focus my energies. Must look a bit of a sight ploughing along the pavement as I am not the most athletic of people but pushing myself a bit physically feels good. Have started eating again after a virtual 48 hour fast when I could not face eating as felt physically sick the whole time. Still no actual appetite or desire to eat but ate a meal last night and breakfast this morning – will just eat at normal times whether I am hungry or not.

Thoughts for the day are:

  1. Still don’t like myself very much which is a bit of a problem as I can’t very easily get away from myself by going into another room. It is like being stuck with a really unpleasant person on a long, long car journey – you can turn the radio up but they are still there. Waking up is currently still the worst time when it hits me every time what I have done.
  1. Really hate some of the marketing tactics being used by the gambling industry particularly online. I appreciate gambling in some form has probably been around as long as man has been a social animal and that the enjoyment of gambling should not be stopped for everyone just because a minority like me can’t control themselves but the ability of anyone with a bank/credit card to gamble away £1000s in a few hours from the comfort of their own home seems wrong. I have never been inside a betting shop and never had any desire to go in one but wonder if the act of having to walk to a cashpoint and then walk into a betting shop and hand over £500 in cash to the guy behind the counter might have felt a bit different. Well, I am pretty sure it would have for me. I do remember going to a work Christmas lunch years ago in a local casino with about 30 others. It was some deal like £25 for a meal, couple drinks and a £10 “free bet”. Seemed really good value. Looking back, can’t believe how naГЇve I was. Most people (including me) had a couple of goes on the tables, lost their £10 and walked away. I saw a few win a little and cash out and a few more paid cash to play more. Realise now how good an investment it was for the casino – sell the meal and drinks at little profit but get the opportunity to hook just one more gambler and they get their money back multiple times over the next months/years. Really pray no-one did get the bug from that one session who could not control it.
  1. I am going to beat this. I have far too much to lose, a beautiful and kind wife, a wonderful family and otherwise great life.

Day 5 GF with no urges to gamble. I know it is really early and so the desire not to gamble probably comes the pain of the last few days. I am on the lookout for any little indications that I might even have the slightest thought of gambling and I am going to be fighting the little s**t with everything I have. Actually starting to feel quite angry about the thought of the urge to gamble and imagining it at some sort of slimy weasel animal with big teeth and eyes (I’ve read too many trashy horror books in the past I think!) trying to get its teeth into me. I am going to rip it apart with my bare hands if it comes near me again.

 
Posted : 9th October 2017 10:35 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Intro day 6 GF and no urges to gamble which is the main thing.

Spent the whole of yesterday thinking about what I have done and the consequences and then again wake up this morning in it is first thought that explodes into my mind with my stomach turning over and can’t stop thinking about it. Getting ready for work, driving to work, sitting at desk trying to work, going home, cooking dinner, going for walk, watching television, trying to do a bit of one of hobbies I used to enjoy, trying to read a book, trying to get to sleep.

I know I should feel regret for what I have done and remembering this feeling will hopefully help me if I ever think about doing anything stupid again in the future but this is a bit all consuming at the moment. Hopefully time will ease this. Telling myself to snap out of it and concentrate on something else not really working as I can’t stop myself thinking, I just do the other thing poorly. I can be with people at work and home and will smile and say the right things but I don’t really feel like I am in the same room as them.

Thinking about taking a couple of days off work (Wed and Thurs) until my first counselling session on Thurs evening because I can’t really concentrate at work but this will just give me more time to think regardless of what I do with it. I could go for a really long walk or do some chores around the house but that is not going to stop me thinking.

Just wish I could switch off for a bit.

Just re-read the above and this all just sounds pathetically like self-pity for something I am 100% responsible for. Arrrrggggg. Must stop the self-pity bit whilst still taking responsibility.

Am eating at normal meal times although still no real appetite or desire to eat. Forget your dieting fads, just log onto an online gambling site, secretly gamble away a few thousand pounds of your families money and see the weight fall off. I can maybe see a commercial opportunity here if I link up with my best buddies the online gambling industry? Sorry for the sick humour (especially if you are suffering with diet/weight issues for real), but sometimes it’s all I’ve got. Last night I booked some theatre tickets for my wife and I (joint credit card, she was sat next to me and agreed to the purchase) and got to the end and had the option of getting them sent to us for £1 or pick up at the box office on the evening for free. I actually said out loud to my wife “there is no point us wasting a £1, we’ll pick them up”. Last week I lost £1000 of our savings. Now that is a sick kind of humour.

Still coming up with mental images of what I would do to any urges to gamble if they ever came near me and they are pretty graphic. Quite happy with this.

 
Posted : 10th October 2017 9:20 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi muststop

The next time you have a thought about gambling think about the sick feeling after a big loss.

Shaun

 
Posted : 10th October 2017 9:30 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Thanks, Shaun, am hoping by writing down how I really feel now I can use this diary to remind myself of the despair I felt each time I lost if I ever get tempted again.

Huge congratulations on the 43 days.

 
Posted : 10th October 2017 10:04 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
Topic starter
 

Into day 7 GF.

Not feeling much different to yesterday but did actually start thinking about something else for about 15 minutes this morning so that is positive.

Thought about having a couple of drinks last night to relax and take my mind off things. I am not a heavy drinker or even a moderate one really, probably half a bottle of wine or two or three bottles of beer is probably an average week. Drink was not a trigger to out of control gambling previously but decided it was not worth even the slightest risk. Alcohol is not a big part of my life and could probably quite easily cut it out completely if I wanted to.

Going to continue with the “speed” walking each evening. An average day in the office plus my 45 min walk equates to about 10,000 steps. Going to use this an a target each day even if it means I have to go out late after anything else I have on in the evening. Probably better to do it late at night anyway as I probably look a little daft and least chance of knocking over anyone who gets in my way!

Thoughts for the day:

  1. Think 2 weeks in may be a time I need to be particularly careful. Seem to be about 2 week cycles between feeling bad about losses and then trying to recover my losses. Going to be watching out for those slimy evil little weasels of urges.
  2. Counselling tomorrow night so tonight is last chance to talk to wife about what we both ideally need me to come out of the first meeting knowing. Starting to put a lot of hope/expectation on this one hour and bit worried I will let us down.
  3. Need to work out a balance between feeling like I need to punish myself and therefore stop doing anything I enjoy doing on my own (hobbies, seeing friends etc) and making myself so miserable that I do something stupid. Bit of a balance between selfishness and trying to keep myself positive.
 
Posted : 11th October 2017 8:53 am
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