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captain46
(@captain46)

Well no-one posting on my diary so I'll write myself a rhyme

Sit and recall memories from a much better time

When life offered hope, prospects and a future path

Now its all gone and I have so much wrath 

Play out my life every day is the same 

Reasons for my mess but my excuses are lame

Took the wrong road, wrong decisions, too weak

Kept quiet and didnt ask for help, didnt speak

Joined gamcare in 2010

Thought things were bad way back then

11 years on so much worse so much more money lost

Not just financial but lots of other cost

Impact on others affected their lives

Stabbed people in the back but not with knives

Dear Captain you have been such a fool

Gamcare gave answers but you had your own rules

People say its never too late to stop

But my age and situation puts me in another crop

Will just live day by day till its my time to die

Try not to relapse and not to lie

But my life has no future so spend time thinking of the past

The good times mostly although they did not last

A gamble became better than all else I knew 

I wish I could help people if only a few

My experience could assist with what not to do

Although I'm not someone to guide as I haven't a clue

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th January 2021 7:46 pm
Loux
 Loux
(@loux)

Hi captain..

Keep strong and as you said get through day by day..

May i ask now what do you do in spare time day by day to help you not to relalse? 

Im also finding it important to get through day by day rather than dwelling on the past which is easier said then done or thinking of future which is unknown and scary

Lou xx

P.s i think it may be too late to repair all damages but its never too late to improve things and focus on a gamble free recovery to prevent any further damage 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th January 2021 11:20 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Hi Lou 

thanks for the post, appreciated.

yes very difficult not to keep thinking of the past and regretting bad decisions gambling related and otherwise. 

I have filled time by some combination of walking, reading and watching much more TV and DVDs than ever before. These are not preventative to gambling but these are the things I do to pass time, some more enjoyable than others. I still have ‘dead’ time where I just do nothing but think and meditate. 

I have intention to do more out and about things but of course conditions over the past year have not been conducive to that with so many things closed and cancelled. 

I have no idea of your age but I strongly believe that those who manage to stop at a younger age can much more easily build a new life than those of an older generation. 

I am happy to continue exchanging posts with you and helping each other on each of our diaries if you are open to this.

keep believing and doing what is right for you.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th January 2021 7:00 pm
Loux
 Loux
(@loux)

Hi captain just read this thankyou,  great that your trying to fill your time with other things that wond do you harm. 

Hopefully by summer you will have more freedom to be out and about but keeping holding on otherwise your doing the right things.

Thanks im hoping for a better future just lot to sort out first but main thing is not gambling atm ..like you i need to learn to fill my time with other things

Lou x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th January 2021 9:44 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Barriers are fine they can help you a lot

Things like someone looking after money and use of Gamstop

Use of GA, self exclusion and counselling all good tools

Take all the advice, follow all the rules

But if you want to gamble you'll find a way you will

You will get round the barriers, use your skill

Because out brains are wired differently you know

Always a part wants a piece of the show

Abstinence is great, the longer it goes on the easier it can become

But complacency is the big enemy for some

A trip, a slip, a relapse can occur

No ones fault I do concur

So at the end of the day when you have taken the plunge and jumped in the bath

Taken all the guidance and are on the right path

Just in the same way that if you want to wash yourself clean you take a shower

There comes a time when you simply have to rely on WILLPOWER

Thats when you have real recovery and control down the road

Whether you still have tools in place and you have back your pin code

Its when your head simply doesn't want to do it any more and no effort is needed

When there's no voice in your head saying 'go on one more' and you have proceeded

You just live normal like the majority of others

But never say you have fully recovered  

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th January 2021 5:19 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

You never see gamblers with a smile on their face

The world on their shoulders just waiting for the next event, spin or race

Recovery is tough, you have to go the extra mile

But the more time without gambling, the more you smile 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th February 2021 12:17 pm
tizzy1970
(@tizzy1970)

Hey Captain, haven’t seen you in chat recently, hope you’re ok. 
Thanks for your comment on my diary. 
All the best, 

Tizzy. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th April 2021 9:59 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)

Hello Captain. 

Hope you have been keeping well. 

Looking forward to reading some more of your excellent posts.

 

Aum 🦆

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th April 2021 10:33 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Thanks Tizzy and Aum for the posts. Been on chat off and on but had 5 down days in a row so wasnt the best. Hadn't checked my diary for posts for a while.

Here is a poem for today:

Spring is here the sky is much more bright

It isnt dark early in the evening, for longer it stays light

For a gambler the seasons dont really change

We are a breed with a different mindset which to others is really strange

We have to be in the action, have to feel alive

We may think we want more money but really its for the buzz we strive

A near miss wakes us up, a win can give elation

But eventually we give it all back and we show our frustration

Mood swings, grumpy, health and work affected

Relationships lost, regrets and the past reflected

Abstinence brings peace, allows us sleep at night

Stops us having nightmares, waking up thinking of loss and with a fright

Appreciating spring and all the other seasons 

Not doing so for years for all the gambling reasons

Pretty colours and flowers and blue sky dont give the same buzz feeling

But better to appreciate nature than gamble and be left reeling 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th April 2021 7:55 pm
stace123
(@stace123)

hi captain spoke to you on chat yesterday didnt see you tonight but i read some of your diary from 10 years ago and just read some of your poems there great keep them up captain and i wish you luck 1 day at a time i dont know how many gf days / months years you have now couldnt find it but i know your diary started a while back but your persistance is inspiring i understand what you say about age even tho i am only 35 this year i here it alot it gets harder with age so well done for continuing this battle with this devil i look forward to hearing from you 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 15th April 2021 9:27 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

I’ve been in a deep sleep for a number of years 

There’s been money lost and heartache and tears 

I wish I could say that it’s all been a dream 

I wish I could tell you it’s not as bad as it seems 

But bad life decisions I’ve taken a few 

I can’t turn back the clock I can’t start life anew 

The urge wasn’t in me before I got lost on wrong roads 

Only after that did I encounter problem and compulsive modes 

Stressful jobs and relationships took their toll 

I didn’t behave like myself, I took on a new role 

Couldn’t cope with life without having a bet

Helped me to function didn’t know the cost yet 

Losing money is one thing but health and people too

We only get one life I wish we got 2

I’d start again with all the lessons I’ve learned 

I’d make the effort to fix things and mend

But if it’s too late for me then maybe others I can advise

Steer them on the right path get them focused on the prize 

For life can offer many opportunities to be happy and succeed 

By saying NO to gambling and living without that need

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th April 2021 5:21 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Oh my God

Im such a fraud 

People at work think I’m an ordinary guy 

It’s just a charade it’s just a big lie

Im an addict whose life is a mess

They think I’ve got money I couldn’t have less 

A mountain of debts dunno when they reduce 

Always gonna be tied never gonna be loose 

Live in the present don’t think of the past 

My best memories are so long ago I thought the good times would last 

I exist I don’t live I just go round in circles every day 

Can’t see any change coming my way 

Always remember there are others worse off when it’s time for bed

Some do not have a roof over their head

Try to be content with my mediocre life and not bet

Love the rain don’t mind getting wet

Try to be thankful for just being alive 

To find something to replace the missing buzz I’ll continually strive 

Because without a reason to get out of bed 

Most people would agree they would be just as well dead 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd May 2021 7:49 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Thanks for your thoughtful poem, Captain.  I hope that you enjoyed your own creativity in putting these words together.  It sounds like you are describing times when the daily grind feels like a hard slog, times when you are struggling to keep a wise perspective, to feel gratitude and purpose.  Yet, your poem is meaningful and expresses good intentions and benign aspirations.  Maybe sharing it on the forum has helped some readers appreciate that they aren't alone in experiencing times when joy seems elusive.  If you ever feel like chatting with an adviser you know we are available around the clock on the freephone and netline.

Take care,

Adam.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd May 2021 9:38 pm
captain46
(@captain46)

Thanks for the response Adam, appreciated 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th May 2021 8:02 pm
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