Pretty emotional today.
My brother and 2 of my sister's keep turning to me for support. I've ended up borrowing one of my sister's money twice in last couple of days, and have just borrowed my brother money now. I feel like they only contact me when they either want money , a lift, or another problem. I can't borrow them any more, it hurts knowing there struggling, but so am I.
I feel so down today, I've woke up feeling like there's s huge weight on my shoulders. Currently just sat on my bed crying. I don't know if I will ever feel better. I'm scared of everything at the mo. Feel like I'm breaking apart.
Night time, when your the only person awake, everyone else in your house is asleep, gives you so much time to think.! So much whirling around my head. Why did I do that, why did I go there, why did I make some huge mistakes, why have I lost people close to me, why have I been hurt, why have I not been a good mum/ girlfriend/ friend/ sister, why have I pushed people away, why couldn't I keep my baby girl alive, why did I gamble, waste so much money- not learn!Everyone would have better lives if I wasn't here or would they? I don't know! I just don't know anything any more. The pain I feel is so deep, so strong, so overpowering. I think back over my life, there is so much I wish I could change.
I feel so guilty. The guilt won't go. The money I've wasted. Mistakes I've made. People I've hurt. Not being the mum I should have been.
I also feel so angry, that's another feeling that won't go. Why was I hurt. Why did my best friend commit suicide, why did my baby girl die!
People say to not think about your past or the present, but to think about the here and now. Truth is no matter what I think about, it hurts. I suffer ptsd, my last has been traumatic to say the least and because of my ptsd and my recurrent flashbacks and niggtmares, it's not possible for me to forget my past, as for my future, as upsetting as it is, as selfish as it may sound, I no longer feel like I have one. I don't look forward to anythin. As for the now,, well that's worse. I don't enjoy life. I don't enjoy my children. Everyday is a massive struggle. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, no enjoyment. It's like I'm in a black hole. I often think about not being here.
As for gambling, that itself brings me turmoil. I started gambling not long after my daughter died, it wasn't because of my loss, it was because a friends mum had a huge win so I thought I'd try. To start with it was so exciting. Gave me a buzz, and when I started winning, well everyone knows that feeling. But then I realized it was a brilliant escape. Whilst gambling, nothing else mattered. Nothing else came into my head. The low mood, my grief, my struggles as a parent, all went, granted not for long, but those breaks from the pain were unreal. It helped so much and that's it,,, addicted! Addicted to escaping. Whilst doing that though, it brought me many more problems yet I've continued to stop.... Start.... Stop... Start.... Relapse after relapse......I just didn't learn. Think it's been about a week now since I last gambled, could be more, could be less, I don't keep count. Things arnt any easier. I don't ever want to start again, but I'm so scared I will, I mean I've stopped before and gone back....Will it ever go 😒
I just don't know what to do anymore! My thoughts n feelings are getting the better of me
I've had some great support on here today regarding my sister, people have told me not to blame myself for her gambling, I've also been told I'm enabling her gambling if I give her money.
truth is, I am to blame! When I was gambling on slots I used to win alot, she at the time was a single mum, so whenever I won, I always have her half. She knew I was winning the money through gambling but she didn't know then that it was a problem. Every time I won , I told her, sometimes I would even send her screenshots of the balance going up, and then would give her half. I never kept the money to myself. When I finally admitted my problem to my partner and signed up to gamstop, I felt I had to tell her, as sometimes she would give me money and ask me to gamble it for her to try get her more money. So when I signed up to gamstop, she signed up to gambling sites to gamble herself. So you see, I was to blame, I put gambling in her head. I opened up to her when I found out she was gambling, told her all the bad stuff, how addictive it is, how I would gamble bill money, rent money, food money! She said it would never happen to her, that she was in control, that she only deposited a tenner on payday and that's it.
I didn't believe her, asked her over and over if she had a problem. She promised she didnt. I knew she did, as I could see an the signs, always being skint even on payday, asking to borrow money, never having enough food, seeing her bill letters piling up. She's only recently admitted to me that it's a problem. She gambled her rent money last month so I paid half of it, I couldn't really afford it, but I can't stop feeling responsible.
so last night at 3am my phone started beeping. It was her asking if I could borrow her some money to gamble, she didn't even try hiding what she wanted the money for. I told her I didn't have but she kept asking and asking. So I have in and transferred her some. I then tried getting back to sleep. But ten minutes later my phone was going again, calls , messages, it was never ending. I couldn't turn my phone of as my daughter was at a sleepover, in case they needed me. In the end I put it on silent. Woke up to 21 messages and missed calls asking for money 😢 my partner was so annoyed that my phone was going off at that time, he was even more annoyed when I told him the reason. But he doesn't know that it was because of me she started gambling. Things are strained between us as it is, and last night just gave him an excuse to be grumpy today. I've had it with his moods!!
M brother has also been asking to borrow money, I helped him out last week and since then he's asked a further 3 times. I feel like my family only ever speak to me when they want something or they have problems and want support, which I always give them as there my family but I'm so drained. Totally and utterly drained. I'm exhausted. I'm struggling more than ever with the kids. The thought of struggling till they go back to school in September is unbearable, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can do any of it anymore. This dark depression has taken over. It's not a life I want
Hi @stace, just reading your post and it fills me with so much sadness! Even though you probably do not feel it right now, you sound like you’ve overcome some massive hurdles in your life! I’m sorry for your loss, I truly am!
Even though it is really hard to see any positives at the moment, you are here! That has to count for something?!
or what would it be for? There are things in life that really are unfair, I do believe that people would be lost without you!
i really hope that you feel happier today and in the future! I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery and beyond..
sending hugs 🤗
I feel for you and you've not had it easy, I know what you mean about family mine just wanted me when they wanted something or they needed something sorted out. I'm lucky as I stay in England and there in Scotland plus only use a house phone that has sky guard on, so when they say who they are I just let it go on to answer machine, that may sound harsh but my counsellor said I've got to concentrate on myself before anyone else. It sounds like it's really hard for you dealing with the kids and a lot off them to deal with. I hope tomorrow is another day for you and you feel better but stop blaming yourself for your sister we all lead our own lives and make our own choices in life, concentrate on yourself as without being rightyourself you won't be able to help anyone good luck
Wow my head is battered 😭
I started the CBT module but can't even start the second part, my brain just won't focus. Couldn't answer phone to the women who's doing weekly calls helping me do it. Can't face talking.
Skipped chat tonight, although I wanted the break and to talk to others, I just couldn't face it.
My family again asking for things, my sister and my brother.
My other sister being a b****
Problems with my 2 eldest kids which is really worrying me.
Finding everyday harder.
Partner back to work soon. Dreading it. I don't want to be alone with my children
My physical health condition playing up
My mental health bad, often feel like not wanting to be here anymore.
I have something else that's consuming my thoughts 24/7, it doesn't go away, and there's nothing I can do about it, only way to escape that ....well.!!
Still having major gambling urges.
I'm done in. So done in
Thanks vinnie, felt like I was in some kind of interview in today's chatroom 😕 already feel guilty!! But my daughter's problems are centred around coronavirus, not me!! Can only imagine what she tried to post in my diary for the mods not to approve it. Pretty sick of it now to be honest!
Take care. Xx
Don’t feel guilty , I no it’s hard and I completely understand , my son struggled at the start of it all, thinking I was going to get it he Started thinking the worse . I dint no where to turn to support him cahms was a god send I can’t thank them enough , people opinions are just that theirs , you are doing amazing you have battled so much and still going strong I’m here anytime u fancy a chat I haven’t got all the answers but I’m a good listener xx
Pushed myself to take kids out today. Needed to do it for them but also myself. They loved it, we walked for ages, then they climbed trees , built dens and played on tree swings. Was so nice seeing tem enjoy themselves .
Have a lot of family problems going on and my mum's poorly which is worrying, but I'm managing to stay gamble free. So for today, I'm still gf 🌈
Sounds like you had a lovely afternoon and just what everyone needed. I loved reading your post with its positivity- so proud of your steps over the past two weeks. I know you have a tough situation but the small changes are having an impact even if you don’t realise it just yet.
Keep up the great work and take one day at a time 🙂