I only left couple weeks ago, couple reasons, one I don't want to go into, the other because I felt like a fraud. Everyone was trying so hard and I kept giving in. Kept gambling. Reached out to an adviser today, and been referred for phone therapy. I don't know what it is, I just haven't been able to stop. Things are horrendous right now. There's alot going on in my life, but I don't want to talk about any of that here, I just want to focus on my gambling. I'm having help and support for everything else elsewhere. I need to stop, I need help... This can't carry on any more. Those of you who spoke to me will know who I am. In my previous diaries I've wrote things that others who come on site would automatically know it was me just by reading what I wrote. So this time I won't be giving away anything personal that would allow that to happen again. Most of you know why I started gambling anyway, and with out putting my previous username, will know who I am, please anyone who knows , don't write it on here. I want to keep this diary. I want help. I want to stop gambling. Things are very messy at home. And we're as before I wasn't in financial difficulties,now because of my stupidity and inability to find distractions in other ways, I now am. Partner on brink of leaving. This is it , I HAVE to stop. For my families sake. So my last gamble was Tuesday (Ive now left the group's I gambled on). I've reached out to an advisor today who's referring me for phone therapy. So that's me. I have to do this,or I may aswel give up on everything because I will lose everything anyway if I don't stop.
Thanks lonelysoul. Hope your well. X
So today is only day 3, last gambled Tuesday. Partner has calmed down abit now. He's finally taking over finances and I am so so relieved. Finally I will not be in control of money. Missed my call from the gambling therapy people yesterday , hoping they call again soon as I really just want this now. I want to stop, I don't want to gamble, I don't want to waste money, I don't want to argue with my partner and keep secrets from him. I just want to deal with this now once and for all, i kept going back to gambling but I really do not want to ever again. I've really affected partner this time with the gambling, it's horrible to see the hurt in his eyes. This is it now, make or break time.
It was good to see you in chat this evening and I’m sorry you are struggling so much with all these thoughts. I hope you’re doing okay this evening.
It is a really tough battle but the main thing is you keep coming back and you keep trying - this shows the fighter in you even if it doesn’t always feel like it sometimes.
Try not to be so tough on yourself and remember to be kind to yourself as much as you are to the people around you. I hope you keep coming back here and joining chat to continue getting support. We all want to see you doing well and will be here, even if you stumble. That’s what this place is about.
I hope you manage to get some sleep. Bye for now.
Thankyou both x
Today has been so hard. I'm not well and looking after 5 kids whilst having 0 energy has been tough. 4 days since last gambled, struggling tonight with intrusive scary thoughts, which gambling used to let me escape from. Try as much as I have, still not found another way who makes those thoughts go like gambling does. Thinking bout next week. It's going to be a hard week. My own fault
Good evening S.Rose,
I am sorry to hear that you have had a really difficult day today, but you have done really well to get through the day, especially as you have been feeling so unwell.
Everything is life can seem so much harder when our energy is depleted, so please try not to be too hard on yourself, you have done well to go 4 days gamble free.
If you'd like a little extra support or to explore other ways to work through the thoughts you are having please do call our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or visit our NetLine.
Awww Rose, sorry you’re not feeling very well and looking after 5 kids when you feel like that, it is really tough.
4 days is a great start! Having lots of thoughts and no way to get of them is frustrating. Figuring out a way to manage them without gambling won’t be easy but keep trying lots of different things, eventually you’ll find something to fill the void. Maybe downloading some games on your phone to play as a distraction, having a hand written diary so only you have access but can get all your thoughts out on to the paper, puzzles, anything that you can do to keep your mind busy. Have you heard about when you’ll start counselling yet? I hope this will help being able to get some of your feelings out.
I think the next few weeks will be very difficult for everyone with the current circumstances but we are all here to support each other so reach out for help whenever you need to. We can get through this together.
Thanks chrisK and lonely.
I've changed my username, I just can't get used to being called rose, sounds strange. So still really ill. Wishing my partner was home to watch kids so I could go back to bed, but barely see him on a Sunday so going to be a long day. Today is day 5 no gambling, downloaded some games on my phone last night and it helped abit. Payday tomorrow and that's when partner proper takes control of the money, I'm so glad, I'm sick of money, don't want the responsibility of having it anymore. Will be glad of one less thing that I have to deal with. Struggling with everything at mo, so would quite happily pass over every it of responsibility over to him, but he works full time, so just not possible. So tired today, was still awake at 3am despite being in 4 diff meds, all strong doses. Oh well time to drag myself through today!
Take care S🌹
Congratulations StaceRose on 7 days with no gambling. You have shown great wisdom and maturity in handing over financial control to your partner. That is a big self sacrifice and I respect your courage and determination to rediscover your life.
Good to see you on chat tonight. It carried on until 10-00 but I left at 9 o clock because my brain was tired.
Wishing you happy days.
I have read your recent posts and wish you every success in conquering this. From afar i have followed your journey and would like to say the strength and honesty you show is humbling. You are an individual who is so much stronger that they think. Keep fighting. Keep looking for answers. Keep posting.