It's Time... Again

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(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 12,one day at a time and today is another won day. 

I'm still so determined to be gamble free, although the urges came stronger today, I think because I'm at work, working from home my mind can sometimes wonder, and when I let it wonder gambling thoughts come and urges emerge from them. Today though rather than acting I took myself out of my office and went for a run, I focused on being a better self and I focused on the good things in my life and how I will not let them be taken away from me by my destructive self. 

 

So day 12, strong urges, overcame by exercise and self reflection, need to understand about work pattern and triggers it creates. Day 13 I will win. 

 

See you tomorrow 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 17th August 2020 8:29 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 13, so will be a quick entry today, simple reason being that today was pretty much the same as yesterday. Which is good as it was a gamble free day, but not good because of the urges. When I get urges it's hard to be happy, all I can concentrate on is how to beat them. Did the same to squash them, but the plans I put in place and reflection on triggers didn't subdue the urges. So maybe it's time that will work, as long as its a gamble free day, I've won. 

 

So day 13, strong urges, exercise and reflection, re analyse triggers and plan accordingly. It will be a gamble free day tomorrow as a minimum. 

 

See you tomorrow 

 
Posted : 18th August 2020 7:59 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 14, two weeks and you are more than welcome. Enjoy a warm cup of gamble free day. 

 

Today has been a good day, happy, same urges as yesterday and the day before, but... Realised that the urges will come and beating them is a great feeling. Did the same again went on a cycle. But tonight I went out for a nice me to a nice restaurant and for the first time in a while didn't worry about paying, didn't have that regret in my mind that I had lost this meal 5 times over on the slots today, didn't worry if I just halved it maybe I could have more money to gamble tomorrow, and didn't think, I'll lay for this and win it back tomorrow. The only thoughts I had was... Why a nice evening that I could treat my wife and family with. This is what life is about and the joys of them had increased my will power.

 

So day 14, two weeks, had a nice meal with family and no anxiety, better feeling that gambling. Day 15 ain't got nothing on me. 

 

See you tomorrow 

 
Posted : 19th August 2020 10:19 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 14, two weeks and you are more than welcome. Enjoy a warm cup of gamble free day. 

 

Today has been a good day, happy, same urges as yesterday and the day before, but... Realised that the urges will come and beating them is a great feeling. Did the same again went on a cycle. Tonight I went out for a nice meal to a lovely restaurant and for the first time in a while didn't worry about paying, didn't have that regret in my mind that I had lost this meal 5 times over on the slots today, didn't worry if 'I just halved it maybe I could have more money to gamble tomorrow',  and didn't think 'I'll pay for this and win it back tomorrow.' The only thoughts I had was... What a nice evening, that I could treat my wife and family with. This is what life is about and the joys of them has increased my will power.

 

So day 14, two weeks, had a nice meal with family and no anxiety, better feeling that gambling. Day 15 ain't got nothing on me. 

 

See you tomorrow 

 
Posted : 19th August 2020 10:24 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 14, two weeks and you are more than welcome. Enjoy a warm cup of gamble free day. 

 

Today has been a good day, happy, same urges as yesterday and the day before, but... Realised that the urges will come and beating them is a great feeling. Did the same again went on a cycle. Tonight I went out for a nice meal to a lovely restaurant and for the first time in a while didn't worry about paying, didn't have that regret in my mind that I had lost this meal 5 times over on the slots today, didn't worry if 'I just halved it maybe I could have more money to gamble tomorrow',  and didn't think 'I'll pay for this and win it back tomorrow.' The only thoughts I had was... What a nice evening, that I could treat my wife and family with. This is what life is about and the joys of them has increased my will power.

 

So day 14, two weeks, had a nice meal with family and no anxiety, better feeling than gambling. Day 15 ain't got nothing on me. 

 

See you tomorrow 

 
Posted : 19th August 2020 10:26 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 15, I'm back and happy to tell you today is another day won. 

Today was again a work day, and a frustrating day in terms of urges. Lots of little urges due to the fact that whatever radio station I listen to or anything online I watch there is always a gambling advert. But the good news is rather than before when it was more common to act on them and be influenced by the marketing, I am more influenced by my ambition to stop gambling. And more and most importantly I am in control of myself and my actions, this allowed me to have a little smile whenever an advert came on. I'm winning, I'm beating you, I am in control. 

So day 15, lots of urges, understand the answer can't be to stop the urges but to create a feeling of success when I don't act, happy and slightly smug.

 

See you tomorrow 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 20th August 2020 8:43 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 16, gamble free and another day won. 

Meal with friends, beers and happy. No real urges, but had great time with friends.

 

Rock on day 17, your already beaten. 

 

See you tomorrow 

 
Posted : 21st August 2020 10:45 pm
(@charlieboy)
Posts: 1013
 

Hi itstime doesn't time with friends seem happier more fun without the gambling demon spoiling life. Stay strong keep going you're doing good 

 
Posted : 22nd August 2020 4:45 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 19, apologies diary for missing my entries over the past couple of days. Never fear for I have been strong and day 19 is 19 days gamble free for me. 

 

There have been urges over the past few days but as I've learnt that stopping urges at this stage is almost impossible it is dealing with them and putting blockers in place that is the effective method for me being gamble free. Don't get me wrong I will crack the subduing of urges, but my effort is in not acting rather than reducing them. It is exhausting though, however rather exhausted and happy, than exhausted from lying and being unhappy and alone. 

 

My family and friends are so supportive and even though I mainly do this for me as a person, I'm also doing it to be that better person for them. They deserve that, I deserve that. I am winning, and I will win everyday from now by not gambling. 

So day 19, sorry for the missed entries, appricate support from family and friends. Time to defeat day 20.

 

See you tomorrow 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 24th August 2020 8:04 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Oh and Charlieboy, yes you are right, having the brain capacity to talk and enjoy conversation and activities without having the demon sticking thier nose in every 5 seconds is bliss. Hope your doing well

 
Posted : 24th August 2020 8:08 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 20, you have been a tough one today! For some reason today had the strongest urge, it was horrible, fighting with my brain, reminding it of all the good and the reasons why were doing this, but it kept getting stronger and stronger. Luckily I had my blockers in place, and one last trick... Read the forums on here and know that I am not alone. Thank you to everyone who posts the great work done here. Today you have prevented me from gambling, and I feel so happy that I didn't. Its hard, today showed a realisation that even when you think it's going well, never let your guard or blockers down, because in one split second your brain and whole body gets taken over.

Sorry to be dramatic diary but today is a day I feel so proud to have not gambled. 

Day 21 cannot be any harder and therefore already defeated. I will as aways put my blockers in place and mentally prepare, I will carry on being gamble free. 

 

See you tomorrow 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 25th August 2020 9:37 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 21, today has been another gamble free day, close but I won. 

I am exhausted fighting these urges, my blockers worked but only just. I feel like I've lost the excitement and drive to beat this addiction, tomorrow I will re educate myself and find new ways to beat this addiction. Maybe this is my brains way of getting what it thinks it needs, breaking my stamina down over a period and swooping in with destruction, leaving me in desperation. Well I'm still not going to let that happen, the question is how to keep my recovery feeling like an achievement. Everyday not gambled is a success, but I need to set myself goals I feel and reward myself for hitting these. That is what I will plan tomorrow, reward my achievements and not just look back thinking 'another day that was hard, when does this end'. I will change my thinking to 'another day that was hard, let's go again, let's get that target and enjoy that reward!'. These are symptoms of withdrawal and my brain trying to persuade me to give it that quick fix. Well no, you will not get that quick fix, you can enjoy something far greater with a little bit of time and effort. It's more rewarding not being dependent on an addiction built to destroy. Writing this down gives me strength to go again.

 

So day 21, wavering but not beaten, revitalise my recovery with reward plans tomorrow, today was hard but let's gather strength and go again!

See you tomorrow 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 26th August 2020 8:53 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Hello day 22, again strong urges and again I keep fighting, down but not out, today is a win. Gamble free for 22 days. 

I did this before several years ago and stayed gamble free for 2 years, this gives me hope that the urges will subdue, that they will always be there but easier to squash. This gives me hope that I can continue, I must continue, I will continue. I remember it being hard last time, but not this hard. However that's probably my mind forgetting the hard parts. All my brain keeps showing me now is the minority of wins that I had and filling me with the desire to feel the rush again. Of course I know that all the money went back and I lost 10s of thousands over the years. This would be enough to make any non addict ever think about gambling again, but for a compulsive gambler this seems so justifiable. However its not just the money but the time and people lost long the way. I will prove to them that I can abstain from this illness and I will slowly win thier trust back. That is what will drive and overcome any urge, be a better me for me and them. Yesterday I said I would reward, so by the end of the week I will buy some new clothes I've wanted but never justified money for, now gamble free for 22 days, I have and will justify this. (they would cost far less than a trip to the bookies) 

 

So day 22,strong urges, reflection on past journeys and created a reward plan. I want those rewards and do not want to gamble, I will beat day 23.

 

See you tomorrow 

 

This post was modified 4 years ago by ItsTime
 
Posted : 27th August 2020 8:06 pm
(@itstime)
Posts: 26
Topic starter
 

Day 23, hello you are a welcome relief. No real strong urges and today gamble free. 

Today I feel happy, went to work, did a cycle and enjoying a beer with friends. The urges have been less today, but I'm starting to see its because there was an excitement waiting at the end of the day with friends and a beer. This was my small reward, gamble and no friends and a beer, don't gamble and enjoy your evening. The small urges came and went but this thought trounced them. Thank you friends you are an overwhelming driver to my recovery journey. The only sad thought I had was the friends I had lost due to this illness from betrayal. Its a shame but... Key thing, I will not lose these to gambling. 

 

So day 23, happy, appricate what I have and reinvigorate my willingness to be gamble free. I laugh in the face of day 24

See you tomorrow 

 

 
Posted : 28th August 2020 7:17 pm
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