My Story
I've had a few diaries on here from a year ago, unfortunately not much has changed which is why I have come back. Makes me angry that I didn't listen to myself 10 months ago. Bit of context, I'm 19 years old! Below is my story over the past few years, the money that I owe and the blocks that I have in place. If you don't want to read my story and just want to see my progress, scroll down. As I'll be writting each day to check in and write how I'm getting on. My last gamble was today, I lost about £300. I have a few thousand pound in my savings account. I have enough money in my normal account to get through the month, and I get paid this week. Ok... So here's my terrible gambling journey.
2017
This is the year that I first went to a bookies. I used the bet a couple of quid on a football accumalator when I was 17, but it would literally only be £1 or £2. Of course because I couldn't legally gamble at the time. So once it turned 18 I started going to the bookies with my friends, I wasn't instantly hooked, but over a few months the losses racked up and I started going more and more often. I started working full time in August of 2018. Paycheck after paycheck I would gamble, or at least gamble most of my money, then I'd live of the money that I had left and repeat. Get paid, gamble, have no money, repeat. This has been the case up until recently.
2018
This year I continue to gamble, of course still gambling most of my wage every month. I went on a few nice holidays but still end up with nothing to my name. No money in the bank to show for my hard work. In this year I also took out some payday loans, all of which I never had a problem paying back on time. I would only never gamble when I physically didn't have the money too. These are the only times I could go a few weeks without gambling. I'll get more to the money that I owe at the end of this. Long story short at the end of 2018 I promise myself that this will be the time I stop gambling, start 2019 fresh, but of course I couldn't keep to my own promise. I'll exaplain what blocks I have in place at the end.
2019
I started 2019 badly, gambling almost instantly, starting the year on a bad foot. To be honest my life in the last year and half hasn't been bad. It would be so much better if I didnt gamble, I'm progressing and my job and I've started driving. If only I didn't gamble. How many times have I said that? Too many. My most recent loss was tolday. £300. In the bookies. I get paid on Wednesday, doesn't matter much as most of it is being paid out, loans, etc.
Block I Have In Place
Gamban - I have this software on my computer. It completely stops me from gambling and I haven't been able to gamble since I've put it on my computer. This is good. I'm sure its physically impossible to get around it until the subscription runs out. Which I think is around August-September time this year.
Gamstop - Everyone knows about this. I've banned myself from online gambling for the next 4 years. Unfortunately I found a few bumps in the system and managed to get around it. But the other blocks to my online gambling pretty much make up for it.
Restrictions - I got a close friend to set up a restriction on my phone. I literally cannot go on the internet on my phone or download any gambling apps. So overall I completely cannot gamble online. My only weak spot is physically walking into the bookies. Which I really dont do too often. But when my friends go in its hard to stay away from my habits.
Money I Owe
This is more for me to keep track of, I'm sure most people dont really care what I owe but it will be good for me to look back on and see how much I'm accomplishing.
WDA Payday Loan - I have about £670 left on this one and I'm roughly paying £330 a month. If I keep on track it will be paid off in by the time I get paid in May this year. £670 Left
P2P Payday Loan - This is only a little one but it all adds up. I have £150 left and I'm paying off £30 a month. This will be paid off by the time I get paid in July this year. £150 Left
Satsuma Payday Loan - I have about £1150 left on this and I'm paying about £130 a month so this one will be paid off if I stay on track by the time I get paid in November this year. £1150 Left
Sainsbury's Bank Loan - The biggest one of them all. It's manageable if I stop gambling of course. It's £3500 I've taken this out very recently, I'm paying back around £110 a month and this should be paid on February of 2022. Yes, that feels horrible to write out. The fact that I'll still be paying back a loan in 2022. But I can do it. It's not loads and loads of money a month. £3400 Left
At the moment I'm also paying off a holiday that finishes in May, this is also taking up about £250 of my money a month. So considering I finish a £300 monthly loan and £250 holiday payment in May, my paydays are going to start to look much nicer. I'll have an extra £500 a month that I can either use to pay off a loan of put away in my savings. All of this can be manageable and doable if I STOP GAMBLING!
All advice and comments are much greatly appreciated. This time I will do it. This time I will not gamble. Tomorrow is day 1.
Good luck!
Writing out your debts like that is very cathartic. I had a few false starts when trying to stop and I think it was in part because I was in denial about how much I owed!
Lil30 wrote:
Good luck!
Writing out your debts like that is very cathartic. I had a few false starts when trying to stop and I think it was in part because I was in denial about how much I owed!
Thanks, yes I'm hoping to be able to edit the post overtime and tick off what I've paid. I can imagine it feels somewhat therapeutic, the same as writing a diary. I hope you are well and good luck to you too!
Hi Unknown L, welcome back to the forum. Fortunately, you are still so young and you have plenty of time left on your side to sort yourself out and to make a real go of life. You also seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders and know what you have to do to succeed. You’ve got some decent blocks in place which is good.
It sounds like you’ve really tightened your online access up which is very important.
Keep updating your diary mate.
I look forward to reading about your progress.
Dan
DeterminedDan wrote:
Hi Unknown L, welcome back to the forum. Fortunately, you are still so young and you have plenty of time left on your side to sort yourself out and to make a real go of life. You also seem to have a sensible head on your shoulders and know what you have to do to succeed. You’ve got some decent blocks in place which is good.
It sounds like you’ve really tightened your online access up which is very important.
Keep updating your diary mate.
I look forward to reading about your progress.
Dan
Thanks a lot for your comment. I'm certain I'll keep this diary and I promise to myself that this is the time that I stop. Hope you are well!
Hi mate,
Don’t beat yourself up to much. Like Dan said you seem to have a sensible head on you and have seemed to of identified that you have a problem with gambling. The thing is some people can gamble sensibly and only do it now and again. Obviously we are not part of that group of people and can never entertain the thought that we can place the odd bet as it always takes us down the same destructive path. We need to stay well clear for the rest of our lives. It sounds quite daunting but too be honest, thinking about it your track record doesn't sound like you was a successful gambler, quite the opposite. So it’s nothing but a good thing that you will no longer be throwing your hard earned money away. You are so young and have your full life ahead of you. When I was your age I was single until I was 21 and just loved having nobody else to worry about apart from myself and was still living at home with my parents paying a small amount to them each month for board. At that time I did gamble but I had no responsibilities so wasting my money had no effect on anyone apart from my bank account. But getting older and not realising the true extent of my gambling problem until now, I have understood that it’s not just about the money, it’s the lies, time wasted, arguments caused all from this addiction. It’s toxic and the reason for me saying is that I haven’t luckily hit rock bottom. I have hit a very low point and am living with the consequences but am telling you this to just try and stress that if you continue to gamble it will only get worst and won’t just become about the money. I see that you are in debt and are determined to pay it off this year. This can be very overwhelming and stressful so try not to stretch yourself too much as sometimes you can end up tripping up and pushing you back in to gambling. It needs to be manageable and you also need to be living life at the same time. Have you spoken to gamcare? They can put you in touch with people who can advise on the best way to tackle the debts. Also I think you should really consider counselling that gamcare offer too. Does anyone else other than your friend know about your problem with gambling? Keep updating us. Good luck and remember you are not your thoughts, they appear in our minds but it takes us as a person to choose to act upon them.
Take care.
OAU
Onwardsandupwards wrote:
Hi mate,
Don’t beat yourself up to much. Like Dan said you seem to have a sensible head on you and have seemed to of identified that you have a problem with gambling. The thing is some people can gamble sensibly and only do it now and again. Obviously we are not part of that group of people and can never entertain the thought that we can place the odd bet as it always takes us down the same destructive path. We need to stay well clear for the rest of our lives. It sounds quite daunting but too be honest, thinking about it your track record doesn't sound like you was a successful gambler, quite the opposite. So it’s nothing but a good thing that you will no longer be throwing your hard earned money away. You are so young and have your full life ahead of you. When I was your age I was single until I was 21 and just loved having nobody else to worry about apart from myself and was still living at home with my parents paying a small amount to them each month for board. At that time I did gamble but I had no responsibilities so wasting my money had no effect on anyone apart from my bank account. But getting older and not realising the true extent of my gambling problem until now, I have understood that it’s not just about the money, it’s the lies, time wasted, arguments caused all from this addiction. It’s toxic and the reason for me saying is that I haven’t luckily hit rock bottom. I have hit a very low point and am living with the consequences but am telling you this to just try and stress that if you continue to gamble it will only get worst and won’t just become about the money. I see that you are in debt and are determined to pay it off this year. This can be very overwhelming and stressful so try not to stretch yourself too much as sometimes you can end up tripping up and pushing you back in to gambling. It needs to be manageable and you also need to be living life at the same time. Have you spoken to gamcare? They can put you in touch with people who can advise on the best way to tackle the debts. Also I think you should really consider counselling that gamcare offer too. Does anyone else other than your friend know about your problem with gambling? Keep updating us. Good luck and remember you are not your thoughts, they appear in our minds but it takes us as a person to choose to act upon them.
Take care.
OAU
Thanks very much - Yes, I knew all along I had a bit of a problem but just wanted to try and make a little bit of money before I stopped for good. Then try again and again. I now understand that there is no easy way out. The only way out is being gamble free, and thats the route I'm choosing to take now. My friends know and all of them gamble but none of them have a problem, that I know of. But then would my friends say that I had a problem? No idea. So maybe they do too, just haven't said anything to me? My girlfriend know's that I used to gamble, of course she told me to stop. But I continued to do it anyway. So I completely know what you mean when you say I affects relationships, lies etc. Gambling makes me a nastier person. Don't want to talk to people, I become very snappy etc. Thanks for your comment. I hope you're doing well on your journey.
Unknown L wrote:
[quote=Onwardsandupwards]
Hi mate,
Don’t beat yourself up to much. Like Dan said you seem to have a sensible head on you and have seemed to of identified that you have a problem with gambling. The thing is some people can gamble sensibly and only do it now and again. Obviously we are not part of that group of people and can never entertain the thought that we can place the odd bet as it always takes us down the same destructive path. We need to stay well clear for the rest of our lives. It sounds quite daunting but too be honest, thinking about it your track record doesn't sound like you was a successful gambler, quite the opposite. So it’s nothing but a good thing that you will no longer be throwing your hard earned money away. You are so young and have your full life ahead of you. When I was your age I was single until I was 21 and just loved having nobody else to worry about apart from myself and was still living at home with my parents paying a small amount to them each month for board. At that time I did gamble but I had no responsibilities so wasting my money had no effect on anyone apart from my bank account. But getting older and not realising the true extent of my gambling problem until now, I have understood that it’s not just about the money, it’s the lies, time wasted, arguments caused all from this addiction. It’s toxic and the reason for me saying is that I haven’t luckily hit rock bottom. I have hit a very low point and am living with the consequences but am telling you this to just try and stress that if you continue to gamble it will only get worst and won’t just become about the money. I see that you are in debt and are determined to pay it off this year. This can be very overwhelming and stressful so try not to stretch yourself too much as sometimes you can end up tripping up and pushing you back in to gambling. It needs to be manageable and you also need to be living life at the same time. Have you spoken to gamcare? They can put you in touch with people who can advise on the best way to tackle the debts. Also I think you should really consider counselling that gamcare offer too. Does anyone else other than your friend know about your problem with gambling? Keep updating us. Good luck and remember you are not your thoughts, they appear in our minds but it takes us as a person to choose to act upon them.
Take care.
OAU
Thanks very much - Yes, I knew all along I had a bit of a problem but just wanted to try and make a little bit of money before I stopped for good. Then try again and again. I now understand that there is no easy way out. The only way out is being gamble free, and thats the route I'm choosing to take now. My friends know and all of them gamble but none of them have a problem, that I know of. But then would my friends say that I had a problem? No idea. So maybe they do too, just haven't said anything to me? My girlfriend know's that I used to gamble, of course she told me to stop. But I continued to do it anyway. So I completely know what you mean when you say I affects relationships, lies etc. Gambling makes me a nastier person. Don't want to talk to people, I become very snappy etc. Thanks for your comment. I hope you're doing well on your journey.
Hi mate,
It’s hard for people who aren’t cg’s to see or understand. They just think don’t do it anymore if it’s causing you problems. But it isn’t as easy as that and do suggest you should try to get some support as this will help equip you better for situations you come across in life that may lead you to gambling. It’s up to you but can’t stress enough to people how good GA or counselling is in recovery. I hoped to win my money back to pay off my debts. Two years down the line 5k debt turned in to 15k and plus another 15k on top of that. You will always end up down and if you win you will go back for more. It’s a destructive never ending cycle. All the best pal.
OAU
Welcome unknown. You are wise and mature beyindbyour years, and if you can learn something from the older folk, you have a chance to win now. I wish I was you back at 19, with insight, blocks, a strategy.
I have fumbled throigj, 20 years later still in trouble. Don't be like us. You can succeed... It means being disciplined, dedicated and wary at all times. Lower your guard, gambling will punch you in the teeth once more.
JuneBug81 wrote: Welcome unknown. You are wise and mature beyindbyour years, and if you can learn something from the older folk, you have a chance to win now. I wish I was you back at 19, with insight, blocks, a strategy. I have fumbled throigj, 20 years later still in trouble. Don't be like us. You can succeed... It means being disciplined, dedicated and wary at all times. Lower your guard, gambling will punch you in the teeth once more.
Thank you for your advice. I'm willing to do this properly this time, hope to hear more from you.
Day 1 - Quite a calm day. I keep forgetting to continue reading Alen Carr's book, I'm on chapter 3. I will continue to read more as the days pass. Was a bit busy at work today and will try my best to fill my days so I have less time to think about gambling. Obviously still upset with myself for being stupid for this long. At least I'm making a change now. Today I did not gamble, tomorrow will be the same!
Day 2 - Two days now without gambling, honestly not thought about placing a bet or having a quick gamble. I get pai tonight so I'm quite happy, although a lot of it is being paid out almost instantly to loans etc. But this is the path I chose, and this is the only path to recover. The RIGHT path. Good luck everyone.
How flexible are the loans you have, do you have the possibility to get a "month for free" (extending the loan) or something like that? I think it would be sensible to pay off the small loan instantly so you don´t pay more interest than necessary. Also, do you have the money from the Sainsbury´s loan or is it all gone? If you do, use it to pay back the Satsuma or WDA loan (I would pay the one with higher interest first, although you could also pay off the 330/mo loan first so you have more money available) in full right away.
Good luck keeping gamble free, treat yourself to something nice this payday that is not gambling related to make you feel better 🙂
Ak123 wrote:
How flexible are the loans you have, do you have the possibility to get a "month for free" (extending the loan) or something like that? I think it would be sensible to pay off the small loan instantly so you don´t pay more interest than necessary. Also, do you have the money from the Sainsbury´s loan or is it all gone? If you do, use it to pay back the Satsuma or WDA loan (I would pay the one with higher interest first, although you could also pay off the 330/mo loan first so you have more money available) in full right away.
Good luck keeping gamble free, treat yourself to something nice this payday that is not gambling related to make you feel better 🙂
Hello,
I'm not sure if I would be able to have a month extention although I guess it could help, it's worth me asking. I'm also pretty sure I'm paying a set amount on my loans if that makes sense? It's the same amount of money every month and won't go up I assume unless I miss a pyment, which I won't. As for the order of paying them off, a chunk of each of them come out at the end of the month. I find this easier to handle rather than paying off the whole amount of one loan then move onto the other and so on. Thanks for your advice, much appreciated.
Day 3 - I've been paid, all payments for loans have come out of my account apart from one which will come out on the 5th. I don't feel happy or sad. Pretty bang average. Wednesday is an odd day to get paid on I think I usually get paid towards the end of the week. This month isn't looking too great. As mentioned before I've already had a chunk of my pay come out, more to come, got quite a bit of money to pay off of my holiday also this month. But I have the money to do it so I shouldn't be moaning.
It's my fault I'm in the situation we're I don't have much money to myself. So I just need to see it through. To be honest, this is prime time where I would gamble, realising that money is somewhat short for the month. I used to see it as a way out. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm not going to try and gamble my way out of it. Ergh. I also have a car fine which I keep forgetting about (waiting for a response, not ignoring the fine) that's going to be about £100 also... Just plodding along,
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
