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I lost the love of my life because of gambling.  

 
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

She found out. 

I've been gambling for about 17 years and I've lost a hell of a lot of money. Maybe about £50,000 in total. I got together with my girlfriend just over six years ago. She found out I was a gambler about halfway through. I stopped for a bit. This March just gone, we broke up (not gambling related) and I moved out just as Covid started. I did a few sport bets here and there and had a relapse and lost a few hundred on roulette. Then I actually did stop and I felt good about myself for doing so. Anyway, non related to gambling again, me and my girlfriend got back together.

Stupidly, I went casino and lost a lot of money and then online too and it was then that I decided to block everything. Gamblock. I was already barred from bookmakers. But I was back with my girlfriend and had to focus on that.

I gave my notice to where I was staying and on the last day when I had to give my key back and was moving back in with my girlfriend, she found some older posts on Reddit that I'd posted with regards to my gambling problem. I hadn't actually gambled for a couple of weeks but I had confessed everything online to get help like people do on here. She saw it all. She was dumbfounded, upset, angry. "All the lies and the deceit" was all she kept saying. It was heartbreaking. I slept in a spare room and she said she wanted me gone from her life forever. She didn't know who I was. And that I disgusted her. And that our whole relationship was a lie and that I couldn't possibly love her. I had to get my things and go.

I bumped into my mother who I hadn't spoken to for years and told her I didn't have anywhere to live and she has taken me in. I'm 38. Rock bottom. Lost the love of my life and feel completely broken. It is ALL down to gambling. All of it. I've lied to friends and family but most importantly, I lied to her. I'm absolutely sick with myself. I keep shaking and at random times of the day can barely keep it together. I know gambling is a demon but I think that I am also a demon too. A horrible person. Gambling has made me like this. A disgusting individual who had the woman of his dreams which was probably the luckiest thing in my life. And I've lost her and she is disgusted with me which is worse than losing any amount of money.

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Posted : 25th October 2020 10:09 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi X M I'm truly sorry for the distress you find yourself in gambling is a cruel addiction that robs people of everything as you well know, things that are more important than money. I know exactly how you feel about yourself, but you are not disgusting or a demon you are ill and you need help to recover. I know you feel like your life is over but only life as you know it right now is over. You can recover and build a new life you are 38 you have plenty of time to turn things around. Time away from gambling will help you see things more clearly. Gamcare can refer you for counselling which is really helpful help you talk through everything. I did the counselling now I go to GA meetings , you get amazing help and advice/ support from other compulsive gamblers you don't have to explain...they know. You need to forgive yourself you have made mistakes but you are not a  monster if you read lots of stories on here you will see this is an addiction that has sucked in lots of people. Give yourself time to feel less shaky and get help 5th June this year I reclaimed my life you can too

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Posted : 25th October 2020 10:44 am
Gambling_toad
(@gambling_toad)

Hello XM, 

Thankyou for sharing your story. Thankfully you have a roof over your head and you can rebuild. Please don't be too hard on yourself. With time things will get easier. In the future gamble free you might get back with your partner.

Could your mum manage your finances? It's not an easy thing to do but it's a safety mechanism to protect from further losses. Best wishes in your recovery.

🐸 Toad

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Posted : 25th October 2020 11:02 am
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

Thank you. I'll try. Feel like ending it though. I really do. I'm definitely going to look to get help. 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 1:04 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

Yeah I am really grateful that I've got a roof over my head. I don't know what I would have done. 

Believe it or not, I've blocked everything and can't access gambling. It's all too late though. 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 1:05 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

XM too late maybe for some things, but stops you doing any more damage...and that will be important in the future when you are working your way out of this

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Posted : 25th October 2020 1:52 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

Yeah you're right. My home and girlfriend gone. It's hard to imagine a future. 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 3:41 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

I know it is. But time will show you there is a future

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Posted : 25th October 2020 4:03 pm
Gambling_toad
(@gambling_toad)

Hi Xm

It's never too late. You made a start now. Now push forward and never look back.

You can achieve if you believe.

🐸 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 4:22 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

I hope so. 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 5:26 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

Thanks for the support. I will try. 

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Posted : 25th October 2020 5:26 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Good evening X M,

I am really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time, but pleased you have reached out here for support. As many of our Forum users will testify, when you reach rock bottom things can look  bleak but through the support that is available, things can and do change for the better.

It's great to hear that you have put things in place to prevent you from gambling, but I want you to know there is a lot more support available to help you through this difficult time too. Part of this includes free 1 to 1 support that one of our advisers can refer you for. You are certainly not a horrible person, you've just found yourself in a horrible situation but with the support you deserve you can recover from this.

It would be great if you reached out and talked to one of our non judgmental advisers who understands what you are going through and can offer you extra support so you don't feel you have to do this all alone. You can contact them on either our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or via our NetLine

I know at this moment in time things may feel too late, but through taking small steps you can move forward to a better future.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

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Posted : 25th October 2020 9:50 pm
Happy123
(@happy123)

Hey X M,

Look I know exactly how you feel. The situation you were in was me last year. Last July I was caught by my missus. I had a spreadsheet where I kept all my debts which I owed to various people and establishments and she stumbled upon it on the computer one night. She knew I gambled, and she suspected that I gambled more than I should, but she had absolutely no idea of the extent to which I had got myself into in terms of the money owed. Obviously her whole world came crashing down. Like you've said, she thought everything was a lie. Our relationship, my commitment to her, the person I really was etc.

We have a small daughter together and I think if that wasn't the case, she would have kicked me out of the house. I slept in a separate room (and by slept I mean I resided in a different room, I very rarely slept given the amount of guilt and regret that gushed out of me) for about three months. Things were really, really tough. It was so raw between us, any argument inevitably ended in my discretions and how it had ruined our life and our daughters life.

There's not a lot you can do I'm afraid. You might just need to give her space to process all of this. It's so much to take in. Try and put yourself in her shoes, imagine if it was the other way around and she was hiding a problem, an affair etc and how you would react. All I can say is try not to fix everything at once. Be honest with her - 100% honest. You will only get one more chance to win her trust back. When she asks you, get it all out and leave nothing out. What you've done is bad, really bad. But once it's out there, it's out there. Another mistake I made was that I only told my partner maybe 80/85% of the truth. Then 6 months later the other 15/20% came out and it was nearly as bad as the initial "discovery". Just be honest with her and have patience. You'll have s**t days, really s**t days. I remember driving to work and crying in the car, obviously not motivated for work at all. Thinking the way you have mentioned above. But you need to try and suck it up and get on with it - easier said than done but I can honestly say that time is a great healer. If you want her back, show her that you're committed to getting the better of this. Go to GA - it really helps and it is a great way to display your commitment aslo. Give up your finances - take away the opportunity to gamble. Try and keep yourself busy - when you're in your thoughts, that's when things are tough. 15 months later and things are really good between me and my partner. I haven't spent a cent on gambling in the interim, I've paid about half of my debts back and my mental health is so much better. You can do it pal, happy to talk further if you need it.

All the best, 

Happy

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Posted : 26th October 2020 8:56 pm
East
 East
(@east)

I’m new to the forum and don’t know if I should be commenting here!? I am a 37 year old female and know how you feel about the sadness gambling can bring! 8 years and it’s a secret from everyone! Maybe half the way is getting better if people found out!? I’m not ready for that yet!

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Posted : 26th October 2020 9:36 pm
X M
 X M
(@x-m)

Hello. Thanks for your amazing message. 

When she initially found out about three years ago, it was horrible and she did say that if I ever did it again then she would leave me. So it's my own fault. I wasn't in debt and I did pay the majority of bills etc but that doesn't matter obviously. Truth be told, I think it's the end now. She won't ever trust me again. I was in the spare room for two nights before she wanted me out. And that I could sleep under a bridge for all she cared. 

I'm glad it worked out for you. I really am. It's just a horrible feeling. And that she actually said she didn't love me anymore. I don't want anyone to go through this.  

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Posted : 27th October 2020 9:48 am
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