Hi . There are triggers , i live alone , i get depressed i hate xmas , missed out on kids , etc . my last post , i was sitting in a pub xmas day next to a Bandit with money in my pocket , never for one second considered gambling , had a great three months gamble free in my own small way , bills paid , bought some things a few quid in the bank .
Boxing day . a few days before i got ripped off by a plumber had a leak , cost £120 the job was a mess , i was so annoyed i went out to " fix this " . i won a small amount and the next day a small amount again , but still not the initial , debt . since the start of the year i have now wiped out all my savings id so carefully built up , and i have no paid work until later this month . i have no trusted family of friends i can give stuff too . its literally today £390 and yesterday £400 plus a few bits in between , i read about blips , but i felt so strong , i think its depression , and also i have been drinking a lot ,the first loss i was out of it [ there should be a law against ppl who have had a few who do there brains in , yes it was in the pub again ] . today three places . one bookie straight off getting of a train , and two pubs , i just completely lost my focus , and way , and i feel I've let everybody on here down , not least myself . i had to cancel my counselling ,as i cannot even afford the train fair now . all my xmas work earnings have gone, bar one more payment . thankfully I'm up to date with the mortgage etc . at least i paid all that before my meltdown .
i Know i have an underlying issue that made me do this , i was strong , i just get down at xmas . and obviously today I'm chasing losses .
its back to square one ,and day one , obviously ill tell my counsellor , I'm not going to lie . but this has shook me ,i really did feel i was really moving forward . depression , drink , and the means , are a toxic combination . please do not judge me . but obviously now ,I'm not in any position to gamble for the near future as I'm wiped out .
I loved them three months gamble free , it gave me hope , funds , and ability to actually do stuff , i want that back . a bloody plumber ..... and xmas was the trigger . it really was, but i was weak , to draw funds to finance my addiction .
Hi there All At Sea,
Think of it as a lapse not a relapse.
I too had been gamble free for 3 months and a seemingly irrelevant decision to buy a scratch card to get change so I had a pound coin to get a shopping trolley escalated to a 12 hour binge online.
I had my counselling yesterday and she helped me put what had happened in perspective. Now I need to put that urge to gamble back to sleep.
Stop beating yourself up for your lapse - learn from it and be gamble free again.
xxx
Let's get one thing straight here. You are not back to square one and you have not wiped out all your progress. Relapse is often a necessary step to recovery and you are still in recovery, despite your relapse. You cannot relapse unless you first decide to stop gambling, so try to remain positive here.
Your relapse was caused by your frustration at the household bill. GOOD. You know your triggers and you can be mindful of them in the future. This was nearly always my trigger too. I was not a happy gambler, I was an emotional one. Whenever there was an issue, an argument, a bill, off I would go.
You know what your relapse was caused by so that is a great factor in your favour. You can now look at what you should have done instead......perhaps contact the person who did the job and complain that you were not happy with the service? Perhaps look at setting up a rainy day fund so that you are not triggered by unexpected bills in the future? Most importantly, vent your anger and your frustration in a more constructive manner. There's always going to be problems in life and we have to face them and deal with them. We can't hide behind a machine. Your kind of gambling is much like mine and we need to learn to deal with our emotions and not bury them. You were upset that the job wasn't great and on top of that, it cost you a lot of money, so you thought you would seek the money back by gambling. In doing so, it has not made the plumbing job any better and it has now cost you even more money which is completely counterproductive.
Sure, you've allowed yourself to drink a bit because you get down at Christmas. It is not easy for everyone, and I understand that. However, this episode has upset you and so you can now see that what you ran to for comfort has had the exact opposite effect. You can really use this experience to help you stay strong in the future. There is no need to write yourself off. You did 3 months before, now do 4. When you do 4 month, do 5. And so on. We can always better ourselves regardless of our shortcomings.
Be kind to yourself and remember that it is not easy to do this with such little support as you have. Is there any chance you can Skype your counsellor or just chat online until you can afford to go. I am sure they will be happy to help you get through this.
Most importantly, try to remember that this is not a total disaster. You have not completely lost your way. It is just a slight step to the right. Get back on track and get busy doing your thing. 3 months is excellent progress and you now have this relapse as added reason to leave this life behind. We hurt for all sorts of reasons, but why make things worse for ourselves by gambling. We need to see it not as comfort or release but as self harm. It is keeping us down and making us weak. Be strong, rise above this little blip and get right back on track. You have not lost your progress, your days are still there to remind you what a gamble free life can be like.
Go get that back for yourself. You can do it.
Thank you both for your kind words and advice .
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