I have seen the light

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(@cantelo85)
Posts: 9
Topic starter
 

Day 3

Today I have woken up and just feel so ashamed of myself, I have hurt so many people through my Web of lies and dug myself a massive hole with debt. 

I was exposed as a gambler from all my lies gambling to try and win big so I could pay off the debts I'd accrued from years of gambling. Every second of the day thinking about gambling.

Day 1 I was relieved it was out and put all the steps in I could to stop. I will never gamble again but the shame of what I have done and who I had become is hitting home now.

Before I would blot it out by gambling and now having to face it head on. Its going to be a long road but already feel a better person.

Chris 

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 5:17 am
(@sarah-help-me)
Posts: 15
 

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel. I too am on day 3 now and woke up this morning ashamed of the person I became. Now I have the constant worry of the debt I have built up and the time wasted. I am determined to beat this.  Wonder how long until you start to forgive yourself?

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 6:37 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi

The recovery program helps us heal our pains.

I use to feel ashamed of the person I was, yet I understand that I was not evil bad or stupid I was just emotionally vulnerable and very unhealthy.

In my recovery I got to understand each of my emotional triggers, pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, loneliness, and boredom.

I got to understand my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I could not heal, fears I could not face, frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

In time I was able to pay off my the debts.

Once you learn to heal your pains you will start start to forgive yourself.

Sadly money lost and time wasted you can not change that.

Understanding the greater the fears in the unhealthy days the more likely I was to lie and try to run away from my self.

To become healthy I needed to surrender to certain facts.

I am was unhealthy, how much do I want to become a less vulnerable healthy person.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 8:48 am
(@cantelo85)
Posts: 9
Topic starter
 

@sarah-help-me yes I am also determined to be a stronger and better person from this, I am today tackling my finances and its scary seeing what I have been ignoring but every step is a step closer to being out of this hole.

I'm not sure I will ever forgive myself fully but I'm sure it gets easier as the weeks tick by. Good luck in your journey and keep in touch

Chris

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 11:50 am
(@cerrry93)
Posts: 31
 

I can relate strongly to you on this one. It's been 4 days since I relapsed and woke up feeling pretty miserable about it all. Like you, I've also been having to deal with the financial side of things today and realising what you've spent is never enjoyable. If it helps at all, I've previously managed 11 months gamble free and I think over time you do start to accept what has happened and that dislike for yourself fades somewhat. But I also think when that starts to happen the main priority is not to get complacent and forget how you feel right now. In my experience once I got past the initial hating of myself for what I'd done, that's when I started trying to tell myself I didn't have a problem anymore which only lead to me relapsing. I feel over time there's a balance to be found between forgiving yourself for what you've done but still recognising you are an addict and can never be complacent with this. 

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 2:08 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi

It took me along time to walk in to the recovery but even longer to become commited to becoming a healthier person.

The pace of my recovery and my healing took time.

Yet by sticking to the recovery program my values changedf, I started to value myself in caring ways.

Nothing healthy is achieved by beating our self up.

I was being very unhealthy I needed to exchange each one of my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

I became a stronger willed person and more dedicated to myself.

In time I reduced my financal burden.

For me every step is a step closer to being a healthier less vulnerable person..

When I learned to heal my pains I was aable to forgive myself and every one around me.

The recovery program has very little to do about luck it is down to us doing healthy work on our self and finding a healthy healing process.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 2:10 pm
Johnny57
(@johnny57)
Posts: 73
 
Posted by: @cantelo85

Day 3

Today I have woken up and just feel so ashamed of myself, I have hurt so many people through my Web of lies and dug myself a massive hole with debt. 

I was exposed as a gambler from all my lies gambling to try and win big so I could pay off the debts I'd accrued from years of gambling. Every second of the day thinking about gambling.

Day 1 I was relieved it was out and put all the steps in I could to stop. I will never gamble again but the shame of what I have done and who I had become is hitting home now.

Before I would blot it out by gambling and now having to face it head on. Its going to be a long road but already feel a better person.

Chris 

 

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 6:07 pm
Johnny57
(@johnny57)
Posts: 73
 

At Least you've chosen to see the Light , well done , all the best and stay away from gambling , we are only one bet away from disaster

 
Posted : 13th June 2022 6:09 pm
(@gerard-g)
Posts: 174
 

Yes, it is hard to forgive yourself, but what choice do you have? Constant self-loathing is not going to get you anywhere. I had to struggle with this too. It took me several years, (the years I have had financial controls/blocks in place) to slowly come to grips with this. I'm just about finally there, regarding forgiving myself but I admit it is a hard road. My advice is to think of it this way: It gets better with time. Once you admit you need help and seek treatment, you can begin to heal. And it is not going to be easy, but as I said, it does get much better over time. It is something that a problem gambler has trouble doing but it is crucial that you have patience. Best wishes. 

 
Posted : 14th June 2022 12:04 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi

The recovery program is about healing our pains.

Once the healing process starts, we no longer live in our pains of our past and we learn to forgive our self and stop living in the pains of our past.

I am a non-religious person so who or what would I learn to gain faith in.

By our sharing and our therapies, we see and feel our self in other likeminded people then we understand that if they can do it so can I, how much time and effort am I willing to invest in to my wellbeing and healthy living. 

The recovery program gives you choices you have to make for yourself.

It is not healthy at all living in constant self-loathing.

You are just causing yourself more pains and fears that is not healthy for you or people around you.

In time you will understand that being addictive or obsessive is not a choice it is an unhealthy reaction to people life and situations you feel you cannot cope with.

Without the recovery program I was not getting anywhere healthy I was in effect self-destructive.

More pains more fears and losing all faith and hope in myself.

Blocks are helpful yet our main focus is to not gamble under any circumstances whatsoever, by gambling I just make things worse.

Yes, forgiving our self is part of healing our pains.

Yes, admitting to you self you need help and seek help treatment is the start of a new life.

Once we abstain from unhealthy painful habits, we can begin to heal the hurt inner child in us.

Sadly, a compulsive problem gambler can take a long time to understand our self and our emotional triggers.

In time we learn to be kind and gentle with our self.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

 
Posted : 14th June 2022 3:52 pm

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