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Anjiedee
(@anjiedee)

Hi everyone I have been on and off this site for years and always succeed for a little while but always succumb back to my old ways.
Gambling has destroyed many things in my life, my self esteem, my rock bottom feelings every day to function, my marriage and it wants more.

I have lost so much money and I just chase chase chase thinking I am going to get back all my losses.

Enough is enough I can’t take it any more and I really want to stop.

From the surface I seem sensible and responsible I have a good job working in end of life and bereavement in the NHS and yet when I get home I’m a mess.

Can’t wait to get online and spend everything I have leaving me with nothing to survive the rest of the month on. I can’t go on like this anymore it’s making me ill and I’m sick of my double life I lead. No one knows my family know my past and I can’t put anyone through that again. So I’m alone.

I’m starting to write a diary on here about how I’m feeling and how I am going to cope with this latest challenge. I’ve had enough now and I can’t carry on worrying. I can’t afford Christmas and how I’m going to afford presents for my children and I hate spending money on everything but think nothing of spending on spins.

Would be lovely to hear from you all. 

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Posted : 17th October 2020 8:24 pm
adam123
(@adam123)

welcome to the forum, i also work in  a hospital as a porter.  We are in more demand than ever now.  Dont think of the money youve wasted but the gift of service you've given to the nhs!!!! only from now on it wont be for free you will be working for a wage that you will spend on your family.  Christmas isnt about the presents its about time with your loved ones so enjoy it.  Welcome again i will keep an eye on youre progress.  Remeber f you stumble its not all bad it took me three years on here to get all the blocks in place and stop gambling for good, and i mean it i wont gamble again ever.... adam xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th October 2020 10:07 pm
Bladesman
(@bladesman)

Hi, well done in coming out with your problem, you are not alone and will get help and advice from many on here. My advice is to take temptation away now by registering with Gamstop and putting a blocker on your devices, I use Betblocker, so that you can't acces the online sites anymore. Also contact your Bank and ask them to put a block on gambling transactions on your card.

Don't look too far ahead just be proud if you last a day and build from there. Most of us kept going chasing losses in the belief we will get that life changing big win to make everything right knowing full well that will never happen. The money you have lost is gone but you can stop it getting any worse by putting things in place.

Everyone starts on day 1 no matter how succesful they are at fighting this addiction so keep going, maybe contact Gamcare who can organise some counselling to help you talk through things, this has been a great help to me being able to talk to a stranger without any judgement.

Good luck and keep sharing

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th October 2020 10:44 pm
Anjiedee
(@anjiedee)

Thank you Both. 
I am already with Gamstop have been for about a year. I found a site that is registered abroad that does payout. Silly me.

Also have a block on gambling transactions out of my bank but that dodgy abroad sites use different merchant codes which sadly allow you to do so.

Everyone thinks I’m this sensible girl with a responsible job but really I am literally just a mess.

I can’t believe what I do and I can’t stop and I’m not happy until the bank account is empty and nothing is left and then that horrible wave of nausea and shock and disbelief hits you at what you have done. I don’t want to do it any more and I done want to feel this way anymore. I want to be Normal and I hope by posting every day and taking every step at a time I can do this. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th October 2020 11:51 pm
Bladesman
(@bladesman)

Hi, so if you can get round sites by doing this will betblocker stop you being able to? Do you have someone who can take over your finances as to stop me my I cancelled my debit card and my wife took full control of our finances by changing passwords so I couldn't access any money, that was 4 months ago and so far so good. I now only have my credit card, which is a joint account, for every day spending as I can't use this to gamble.

This post was modified 2 weeks ago by Bladesman
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Posted : 18th October 2020 12:14 am
Amba
 Amba
(@amba)

Hi Anjiedee. I started a diary yesterday as I feel pretty much as how you describe your feelings. I can't offer any wisdom as I'm struggling but I do send lots of compassionate thoughts. I have not told a soul how I feel and what's been happening but I was lucky enough to get a counsellor really quickly. The forum is wonderful but when you actually verbalise your feelings all the emotional weight seems to feel that bit lighter. All the best.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th October 2020 1:42 am
Anjiedee
(@anjiedee)

Thank you all. No there is no one who can take over my finances. Just me sadly so the responsibility is on myself. There is a couple of my closest friends who know but they are going through serious problems of there own at the moment so I would never ever add to that.

I just hate the feeling, the comedown that wave of what the hell have you done I can only imagine it’s like coming down from a fix, well that’s exactly what it is.

Betblocker I’m not sure I have read the reviews and they are not good. I can’t get on any English sites and as soon as my withdrawal from the other site is through which will see me through till pay day I am self excluding and I will be off all of them. 
Life is hard but there is so many people worse of than me it’s still hard to feel grateful when your disgusted with yourself. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th October 2020 2:05 pm
Bladesman
(@bladesman)

Hi, I have betblocker on my phone and it has worked for me for 4 months now and once on it cannot be removed (although I haven't tried) so may be worth giving it a go. Otherwise I would advise speaking to Gamcare for advice and they will arrange some counselling if you want to go down that road. 

You are right we get a high from watching those wheels spin, I assume the same as drugs or alcohol, but when all the money is gone we sink into a deep depression about what we have done. Life is hard so don't beat yourself up about it too much as you are trying to rid yourself of this evil addiction. I can remember how raw the first few days and weeks were thinking I couldn't get through but each day you don't gamble will make you feel better. I describe it as a thick fog being slowly lifted from my life and 4 months on can see whats important to me rather than being obsessed with chasing the losses. 

Think of the positives in your original post, you have children and you have a good job so these are things to focus on now.

Hope you get through today, then tomorrow wake up proud that it is another day without gambling

All the best

 

This post was modified 1 week ago by Bladesman
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Posted : 18th October 2020 5:18 pm
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