I did not understand that every time I went to gambling I was living in my fears, escaping people life and situation I could not cope with emotionally.
If people asked how I was I would say fine or not so bad.
In truth I was burying and suppressing my traumatic pains.
I did not understand that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions or or my obsessions.
My addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms.
Money was just the fuel for my addiction.
Walking in to the recovery program was a very scary moment.
I even thought that those people were not compulsive gamblers, they never knew how much pain I was in.
They never knew how much I wanted to give up on myself.
That I had lost all faith and hope in myself.
I use to want to hide in large meetings so I would not have to talk.
Yet when I was not asked to talk I felt angry.
The most important thing in the recovery program no matter when your last bet was.
Even if you do do not want to talk keep going.
I had no qualifications what so ever, I was not able to articulate my feelings and my emotions.
I felt that gambling controlled my life.
That was not true I had certain emotional triggers and when I could not cope I would escape in my addictions and my obsessions.
The healthier people in the recovery program would be nurturing and encouraging towards me.
The wording I use to use was I have to, other people will use the same wording towards other people.
I needed to understand my needs and my wants, in time I would write them all down on a daily basis.
I understand that today I am not able to change the past, the pains I caused people I am unable to do.
My last bet did not cost me my family.
That would have been devistating to me for sure.
The recovery program would help me learn from my last emotional trigger, in time I would become more stable in myself.
Time off gambling is not a measure of my recovery.
More time having healthy habits is a measure of my recovery.
Unable to remember last time I was angry is a measure of my recovery.
How patient and tolerant I am with myself and other people is a measure of my recovery.
Not trying to control other people is a measure of my recovery.
Being emotionally detached from all feelings towards my addictions and obsessions is a measure of my recovery.
Not reacting in unhealthy ways jealousy, hatred, resentments, sulking, judging, justification, impatient and intolerant, anxiety, fear, panicking, procrastination, avoiding commitments, avoiding people and having fear of emotional intimacy is a measure of my recovery.
Today I am not a victim, today I am not a perpetrator, today I am not a rescuer.
I do not fear people seeing me in the recovery program.
I do not fear people knowing every thing about my past.
I do not fear step four.
The recovery program would help me become a much healthier person who has faced all of his fears.
I pay my taxes monthly in advance in to a saving account.
I pay my credit cards off completely each month.
I have spread sheets with all my bills on it.
I will write to people when service is poor but not get aggressive about it.
I will write to people when service is good or excellent.
I will express appreciation and gratitude to every person I know.
It is an expression of my healthy values today.
I do try hard to not take people for granted.
I do need to move home and take my worst enemy with me.
I do need to go on a holiday and take my worst enemy with me.
I do like having a holiday yet I always look forward to getting back home.
Money was never going to give me emotional resolve.
Money was never going to make me feel successful in myself.
Money was never going to build confidence in myself.
Money was never going to make me feel productive in myself.
In time I saw myself as a rat in a wheel going faster getting no where.
I was wasting time and energy and making myself feel lower than c**P.
No one made me gamble, no one made me lie, no one made me live in fear.
So at what point do I say to myself the last thing I want to do today is gamble.
Just for today only I will not gamble, that is easy on a daily basis.
The recovery program would help me to move from just for today I will not, to just for today I will.
I WILL is my commitment to myself, to become motivated in healthy ways.
Love and peace to every one.
AKA Dave of Beckenham