I am what I am

Sorry Murlo that is not the answer I wanted but I suppose you are right.

The answer I was really looking for was Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

x x x 

Okay, yesterday, today, tomorrow?

Ha ha nice one Murlo.

You got that one

X x x

They are both correct I think ?

Anyway I have emptied the contents of my brain. Som poor unsuspecting soul has had to listen to me rambling on. I should have some space for a bit of mindfulness now to help me drift off to sleep ? 

Nite nite 

Sweet dreams

X x x 

Dear Diary, day 106 gamble free.

I wasn’t able to get off to sleep overnight so I have been pretty grim today. A bit foggy and lethargic I guess. After a couple of days without much sleep I don’t do so well in terms of my thinking. I struggle to work things through as I normally might.

It doesn’t help that I have had crazy nicotine cravings, I really wish they would go away ?

My friend will be staying in hospital a little longer. That gives a bit more time for her medication to stabilise her fits and for me to have some treatment to support my mental health. I have that tomorrow and looking forward to it. It impacts so quickly and pretty much guarantees a really decent sleep.

I don’t seem able to contribute much in the chatroom at the moment and I am sorry about that. Maybe that will improve when I feel less fragile and less disconnected from things. Selfishly I still get something from being there. Mainly the 1pm chats tbh.

I am not going to spend the whole night wondering when I might fall to sleep tonight. If it happens it happens. If not, I will be zonked tomorrow afternoon ?

Murlo,

You've always been there for others, so right now we're here for you. Take your time you'll know when you're ready to talk rather than just listen. You've put so much into helping others There's nothing wrong with getting a little bit back, we're all human.

Best Wishes

AL

Al, thank you so much. It may sound strange but sometimes it just feels like a big help  to be around familiar people in places like the chat room. It is a source of comfort for me anyway. I am conscious that I am not very organised with my thoughts at the moment so don’t want to potentially impact on other’s recovery. I type and delete a lot at the mo! That will change, the one thing I have at least is experience of getting through the tougher times. It is all the easier with the support I get from you all x

I am selfish cos I like it when you and Boo are there. I sense your company even when you aren't talking. I know Boo goes on about beanbags but I always place you on comfy chairs by the fire just listening to the folks chatting away. It's nice. It makes me happy. I too get a lot from the chat space. I like it when someone new comes in and they get help and support and then they come back and tell you how their lives are improving. It's great! 

Anyway, I hope your treatment goes well and you feel better mate. 

Love from 

Drama 

xoxoxox

I would be better suited to a comfy chair, I am not elegant getting on and off a bean bag! I am sat in one now by the fire, making the most of the time I have left to get food and fluids down before prepping for tomorrow ?

Home sweet home for the day, or at least part of it. I am glad to be here, I have missed the familiar things and the moggies. Time for a nice long soak and then it’s off for a trip to an appointment. Looking forward to a mega sleep later. 

You're in my thoughts, Murlo. Just getting through each day in one piece is enough for now.

Today I have had a glimpse at the old gambling me. And no I don’t mean that I have gambled or even had an urge to. I haven’t. I have just been able to experience a moment when I could picture myself. To see the emptiness in my eyes, the pain on my face, feel the tightness in my chest and the knot in my stomach. It was a strange experience, a bit like I was watching myself in real time. I feel very certain about one thing right now though, whatever else I may have going on, returning to gambling would make it so much worse. I am grateful for that strange moment. 

Dear diary, day 107 gamble free.

Home sweet home (for a bit). I have enjoyed spending some time in the comfort of my own home today. Went for my hospital appointment early this morning, a bit of a strange experience all round but a good outcome so I am happy with that. Feeling a lot better in my mood now.  I joined chat at 1pm and that was really nice, imagined myself sitting in the comfy chair by the fire with Boo, just like Drama imagines.

I had a really decent power nap this afternoon before setting off to be back here with my friend. I needed the sleep but also wanted to sort a few things out around the house in readiness for my friend’s discharge which is now likely to be Thursday. We just have a few things that need to be delivered and in place before she comes home to us. I spoke to the specialist nurse again when I arrived back here and I think she was shocked about how different I am today, in a good way. We talked a bit about my treatment, I think it can be a surprise to people that it has such an instant impact. However it works, it just does.

My friend seems really settled. Her medication is definitely working. We have worked through a practical solution to make sure she has access to all of the medication that she needs and when she needs it when she comes home. This was one of the things I had not thought through before her admission. The team here wanted something sorting before her discharge. It isn’t wise for me to have unfettered access to certain things like medication. Writing that is strange because it makes it sound like I am unstable and in some sort of constant crisis. I am not. For the vast majority of the time I function very well. Just as I have blocks in place to protect me from gambling, I have similar things in place to protect me when I might be having difficulties with my mental health. Just good planning really.

There is one lady in the ward who is very happy to see me back. She has recently lost her sight and I have been reading to her when I can. It will be lovely to do that again tonight. I will miss her, she is so full of character. Her daughter is coming over from Australia at the weekend and we chatted briefly on the phone yesterday so she will be arriving with a phone loaded with audiobooks. That will make the world of difference for her mum.

I am likely to get some sleep tonight. Everything seems to be coming together at last and I have a clear mind. I wish the same for everyone else too x