I am what I am

Hi Murlo.

You would not believe how cold the room was where we were supposed to be meditating. There was only the guy doing it plus the caretaker and another bloke so I made my apologies after the first meditation and scarpered. When I said how cold I was the caretaker bloke looked all surprised and asked if he should turn the heating on but by than I was just so cold I had to get out of there.

So my plan is now to meditate online in the warmth and comfort of my own home but I have to be assertive with myself because I keep putting it off which is the reason why I went to the class.

Best wishes from your pathetic, puzzled, procrastinating pal,

Stephen x 

I just want to send you my love , You are going through such a tough time yourself , and still showed me so much thought and understanding , I’m really greatfull I hope things get a little Easyer for you and you get a good nights rest all my love ?

Dear Diary. Day 103 gamble free. 

Thank you so much Mark and Vinnie for your lovely words. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.

Early update today as I need to try and get a few hours sleep. I haven’t seen a bed since yesterday morning and I am feeling it. 

I think it is fair to say I am ram jammed full of self doubt today. Curiously, not at all in terms of my gambling recovery. To cut to the chase, my friend’s life expectancy is now 4-6 weeks. I am with her in hospital. I am not feeling at all ready for what is to come. I had a really long chat with a specialist nurse overnight. It was a brutal conversation but so compassionate at the same time, I cried the whole way through I think.  She was getting me to really understand what the next few weeks will be like. She got me to open up about my own mental health and my problem gambling. She said something to me that I shall not record here but it really made me stop and think. The upshot of the conversation is that we need to look at a plan B for my friend. We will do that later today with her. It’s just a safety net for both of us really. Do I feel ready for what is to come? No. Am I doubting that I can get it right? Yes. I know I am mixed up at the moment. At least I have a much clearer idea about what it is that I need to be preparing for. I have had my head in the sand a little because my friend has been living a fairly normal life until now. I will hopefully sleep on things for a couple of hours and speak to the specialist nurse and my friend again later. I think that is all that is on my mind today. 

Dearest murlo.. I can give no better thoughts or help to you at this time only to say how deeply saddened I am to be reading your news.

As for the specialist nurse. Take on board what they have and say as I'm sure you will..A nurse you may be but your heart is as fragile as the next person's... Remember the human side of you needs attention also.. Rest and secure knowledge you too have support. 

Do take care.. Use us please to talk to if it helps.. You have been such a towering force on this site.. We just want to make things right for you too

Special love.. Boo ?

This afternoon I had a good walk, it was windy and raining but it didn't matter.  I just needed to clear my head a bit. I will stay here tonight, the staff allowed us to order a cheeky deliveroo (or some other delivery company). It was wonderful.

We have talked about plan B with my friend tonight. She is pretty relieved I think. It is just that, a plan if things don't quite go to plan. I have understood what the specialist nurse said to me. I am truly grateful for her honesty, she said she was nervous talking to me, I have made it clear I am not at work and actually she now knows so much about me and definitely knows more about my friend's condition than I do. She is the expert.  

My friend has been reminiscing and said many things about my behaviour as a young nurse so hopefully it has just reinforced that I am just normal, definitely nothing special. M told the the staff that we became friends because I shoved a plate of chilli and chips in her face in abnightclub 30 years ago. That will go down well  at work now ?  It's not quite how it was...

It is Valentine's Day, my hubby is on his way over to stay with me. That means more than anything to me. He has bought me some slippers with sloths on and they are cute. I am just looking at my friend and feeling that I should be able to do more. She is sleeping, I suspect she will not be happy about her hair but I have a cunning plan..

th

I am intrigued to hear your cunning plan! 

Drama x

Posted by: DramaLlama

I am intrigued to hear your cunning plan! 

Drama x

I have booked my friend into the wig bank back at the hospice I volunteer at  she can pick whatever she wants to be. I know she will love that, she loves to experiment ?

That's a sweet plan. I love it! x

Hi Murlo,

You're a kind, loving and compassionate woman. You bear testament to the fact addiction can infect good folk as well as bad people. Despite this you chose a career where dedication to helping others has obviously been your mission in life. I, as i'm sure many others do, see you as the kind & wonderful human being you are.

Best Wishes

AL

Good choice of whisky Murlo x

Thank you for posting on my diary Murlo.

Wishing for you to have a good weekend.

Stephen x 

Dirty Stop-Ups. 

Oh my gosh, no wonder I slept in. We were all up till like 1am. Naughty boys and girls. I see what you mean now. If I see you up that late, I shall give you a heads up to climb that wooden hill. 

Have a good day. Might wanna put your big coat on if you go out. It's blowing a fair breeze. 

Drama x

Posted by: DramaLlama

Dirty Stop-Ups. 

Oh my gosh, no wonder I slept in. We were all up till like 1am. Naughty boys and girls. I see what you mean now. If I see you up that late, I shall give you a heads up to climb that wooden hill. 

Have a good day. Might wanna put your big coat on if you go out. It's blowing a fair breeze. 

Drama x

 

? Apparently I was up until 2ish. That gave me far too much time to enjoy a drink or two. I was up at 7.

I did really enjoy the games and the playlist tho ?

Dear Diary. Day 104 gamble free.

Oh dear, I am very tired today.

My hubby came over last night to be with me and my friend and he has booked a hotel near the hospital for the weekend so that I have somewhere to retreat to for a bit and to get some sleep. Last night he said I should try to relax, have a drink in the bar and watch the rugby while he spent some time with our friend. I did that but ended up drinking far more than I should have and staying up really late. What I should have done is tuck myself up in bed and fall asleep to the rugby. Anyhow, I probably felt more drunk than usual because I haven’t slept much at all for a couple of days. Hubby went home this morning to look after the moggies and will be back again tonight.

I got up at 7 which felt far too early and popped onto the ward. I got a right rollocking from my friend for getting drunk. She can tell me off like no-one else I know! She says she would be really happy if I was going out, having a good time and a drink but not because I want to drown my sorrows. She’s right as always. I did really enjoy playing Drama’s game and listening to lots of music though so I think I ended up not so much drowning my sorrows.

Anyway, my friend is staying in over the weekend. She would be ok to come home today but the team would like to make sure I have the right support available and they can’t do that until Monday. My friend agrees this is wise and is quite content to wait which is good. The staff here are amazing, I feel like I am being looked after just as much as my friend.

I am very tired now. I am not going to repeat last night. It doesn’t help to just try to block out what is on my mind. I just need to work it all through and can only do that with a clear head.

Time for a bath, trip to the see my friend and maybe another cheeky takeaway.

I have appointed Drama to be my moderator tonight and send me to bed if necessary ?

Okie doke. I am unlikely to be early to bed but I am with hubby so all is fine x

is