I am what I am

Dear diary, another gamble free day.

Today has been good. A few special moments have happened over the last 24 hours and that has really set the tone for my day today. I started the day with a beautiful walk, we were blessed with lovely weather. Bright blues skies and only the slightest breath of wind.

I had a bit of time to do some writing today. I have struggled of late but not so today. I have been sad that I have not really been able to get my thoughts down because I want so much to create memories. I think I have caught up today. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment for me in the morning and counselling in the afternoon. I have been doing a bit of work from home this last few days but tomorrow is the start of some leave. Really looking forward to being able to pay that bit more attention to other things. 

Tonight I am content, all as it should be in the Murlo household as Boo would say ?

Hi murlo Thankyou for you kind words on my diary , hope ur ok ? And have a lovely day tomorrow all my love ?

Dear diary. Another gamble free day nearly over. 

Today hasn’t been so great. I have been throwing up for a few hours, hopefully it will settle soon. I had counselling this afternoon and I found it really tough. I felt very sad but I couldn’t cry. I was meant to be seeing my counsellor monthly now but having brought today forward she has booked to see me again next week. I feel like a need a really good sleep so I am going try to get an early night tonight, vomiting permitting x

Oh murlo.. Of all the times.. Hope you get well soon.. 

Take care 

Boo 

???

Hope u feel better soon , and get a good night rest ?

Conspicuous by your absence my friend... 

Take care. 

Boo ???

Thank you Boo ?.

I am not feeling up to much at all tonight, completely drained at the mo. I was hoping to just crash out but sleep is not coming, it’s so annoying!

I have been thinking about my counselling, maybe thinking about it too much.  My counsellor  explained to me that she sees a big red flag, that the sparkle has gone from my eyes and her fear for what that could mean from my history. She said something that I won’t write here but it was similar to what the nurse said to me when my friend was in hospital and i have thought about it a lot since as it is a spot on observation.

A thought isn’t a fact, that’s what she kept repeating, I need to work on that. 

I  have such a busy mind tonight. I would love to be asleep right now?. My little limpet of a moggy is maybe not helping, she’s gone into nurturing mode and will not leave me alone! Time to have another go at my meditation podcasts I think. I have at least written lots tonight. 

Dear Diary, still gamble free.

What a bizarre 36 hours it has been. I haven’t had any sleep at all so I suspect it will hit me sooner or later and I will nod off. I have looked after myself a little better today. Been for a swim and to a local art gallery for a wander around. My counsellor has checked up on me so glad I had something positive to tell her about my day. I have no pressure to do anything else today. Just relax at home, fire on, watch my rugby team on telly later. Here’s hoping that my brain doesn’t get busy again later ?

Concerned about you not sleeping Murlo and hope you are ok.

Hopefully your swim together with the art gallery visit will make you sleepy tonight.

Wishing you a good weekend.

Sleep fairies gather round Murlo with haste

Not a second to lose or time left to waste

This lady of honour - a heroine bold

Is in need of a kip or so I've heard told

So take her to dream land I do suggest

For a delicate slumber and well deserved rest

Stephen x 

Hi Mate,

How are you ?.

I'll bet you've not slept so well with all that's been going on. Each day i learn something new about myself. 568 Gf days yet still that ME ME ME attitude. My problems come first. Of course that ain't true. I've dumped so much on you & Boo despite your own fight with the demons i'm so sorry, in fact i'm ashamed. I still refuse to accept i can't be better, so from now on i fully intend to invest a little more into your recovery than over investing in my own. Just as my problems became yours, your problems have become mine.

Best Wishes

AL

Hi murlo , hope you’ve had a good nights sleep , and you feel a little more settled tomorrow, how was rugby did ur team win ? ?

Hey Diary,

Just passed into another day and I haven’t hit the pillow yet. That  said, I am sure I will get at least some sleep tonight. I have been wondering whether to record what has actually been going on but I guess the sanitised version is that I didn’t get on too well with a prescribed treatment yesterday. It made me ill and I struggled a lot. 

Today has been better albeit still a struggle. Hopefully I will get some sleep tonight and not want to climb the walls. My counsellor has checked in for the third time in a day and I am glad to report that I am still here ?. 

Oh and no gambling. 

I am bored of this nonsense now and just want to go to sleep. Note to self. I can do this without any form of artificial help. Counselling doesn’t count. That works a treat. 

Hey Murlo

Hope you were able to get some rest and feel better this morning.

lots of love to you xxx

Em x