I'm going to have to tell my wife, but I'm so scared.

Hi, yes, if you want to control this addiction, then you have to come clean. The truth you tell now is a massive step forward. Regards bobbyj/rainman

I+U’s this is the hardest thing to do! But well done for realising it yourself I know too well what will happen if you don’t come clean! Good luck stay gf

Hi, So on Friday night I went downstairs with the intention of telling her and completely didn’t have the balls to do it and yesterday we was going away for the night to a friends house over Wales and I just couldn’t bare to see me inflict that on my wife. I’m absolutely terrified about it and I know I’m going to have to tell her and will this week, well definitely tomorrow. This is the first time throughout the whole of this which started a few years ago that I have realised that I can’t beat this in silence and not only that it’s not fair on my wife. She is perfect and doesn’t deserve to not know the truth. I just really can’t believe how I have got here and am 14k in debt. How just how. We have just got back from our friends house it’s late and she is tired and getting the baby down. I want to tell her now, I know there isn’t a perfect time but to just spring it on her. She is going to be mortified. Tomorrow it is I just hope we can work through this, even though I know I don’t deserve that.

I was in a very similar position to you last week. I knew I had hit my limit and wanted to stop, but the only way i could do it was by coming clean to my wife.i put it off for days, like you trying to find the right time....not wanting to do it in front of the kid, or before we went out or something.

In the end I told her one evening after I had been out. I spent the whole hour drive home thinking about how I was going to word it. How was she going to react, how was I going to react?!

I blurted it out at her as soon as I walked in the door. Obviously there was tears and some disapointed words. This wasn't the first time I've had to come clean which made it all the worse as she rightfully felt let down and unable to trust me.

It was the best thing I could have done though. I stopped feeling sick all the time and have started sleeping better. We spoke about the issue together and put measures in place so that she controls my finances.

I know it will take forever for her to trust me again, but with her knowing absouley everything I'm on the right path.

I wish you the best of luck when it comes to telling your other half.

Cheers.

RA

I’ve lost my wife the best person in the world and have destroyed our family. I’m a s**m bag

Fella.
A very sobering post, from it I hope that you will find a way to bring something positive from the destruction.
Honesty is the hardest thing to have whilst actively feeding addiction.
I wish you well, I will say through experience that action will speak louder than words.
Regards Duncs.

Hi Onwards, it's very early days as your wife has only just found out. Give it time as right now she will be extremely angry. You have a serious problem that requires openness and honesty to beat it. However this plays out you have done the right thing even though right now it won't feel like it.

Keep posting when you can. All the best

Hi there,

Sorry to read of your troubles. I myself was in a similar position more than once. My wife bailed me out first time and then 3 years later when I hadn't learned my lesson it happened again but twice as bad.

The only advice I can give is to hang in there. It may not seem like it now however you have 100% done the right thing. You were going to have to tell her at some point and the fact you came clean rather than let her find out for herself will hopefully count for something. I broke my wife's heart basically with what I did and she swore she'd never take me back. We are still together somehow and she now looks after all the finances. Our relationship is nowhere near as strong as it was when we got married but we are working on it.

Good luck and keep the chin up, life will improve now you're not gambling.

Hi People,

Thank you so much for your supportive posts. Today has been the worst day off my life. Last week after realising that this can not continue and the path I am on is getting more and more destructive as it goes with debt and lies, that I am going to have to tell my wife and family the truth. Last night was the time I told her and this had been something that I had successfully hid from her for over two years. She was mortified I can’t believe what I’ve done the lies, deceit and time wasted. I’m a father and a husband and I just want to spend as much time with them as possible. But due to my addiction this has sadly taken priority. I want to be a better person and that is why honesty and support is the only way forward. My wife rang my parents and told them to come round in which they did. I thought my Dad was going to kill me when I told them what I have done. But my mum and dad was so supportive and there for me. I’m so lucky to have the people I do around me and it’s something that I’ve always known. But just couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth. Now it’s out there I feel so much better in myself, well I don’t but do feel like I’m going to be able to get my life on track again. It’s going to be a lot of hard work. I’ve put all the blocks in place, finances in my wives hands, credit cards my parents are luckily going to lend the money and close them and I’m going to be transparent with income/ outgoings. I am booked in for therapy next week thanks to Gamcare and am going to move forward and prove to everyone that I’m not a lost cause and that even though I’ve done wrong, the hurt I’ve inflicted on them will never be done again. Never in a million years did I think that I could be one of the people that could be affected by addiction and even though for a good while I kind of knew I had one, I didn’t understand the depths/ dangers of it. Being honest is the best thing you can do. I never thought I could bring myself to tell her the truth, but I did and even though she told me she hates me and told me she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m just hoping that overtime watching me take the steps needed will prove to her that I can be that person that she has always loved. Will keep you up to date. Thanks again x

Good man, as Duncs says, action speaks louder than words and you acting on it and will continue to do so, . Movin on, keeping one step ahead, bobbyj/rainman

Morning onwards.

Just checking in to see how you are getting on?

RA

ALN wrote: I'm sorry to say this but bail out isn't the best option and if you truly love your parents you'll stop them now. This will improve your credit rating and give you an open door to do it again. Completely the wrong thing to do. You should be facing up to the debt yourself and speaking with creditors or seeking debt support to enable agreement for manageable repayments (allowing you to live your lives moving forward). The worst thing is a bailout, believe me you'll eventually ruin your parents finances. Please reconsider and stop them now, you need to man up. Apologies for the straight talking but it's very much needed I feel.

HI ALN,

Thank you for your straight talking. I think it’s something that more of us need on here to accept the truths of our reality. Today is my first therapy session and on Friday I will be attending my first GA meeting. I would of gone last week, but had an appointment down I London so couldn’t attend. With the finances personally this is something I didn’t want to do and is why everything has been moved on to zero interest credit cards for the next 24-30 months. I haven’t maxed out my cards, still have a further 15k until my limit is reached and with never missing any payments , mortgage, phone etc my credit scare is very good. However they have all said that they can’t trust me with credit cards now and that they must be closed, so a repayment plan has been set up to repay my parents. I’ve got myself in to this mess and every penny will be paid back plus more. I’m trying to save my marriage and by swallowing my pride, this takes a big financial weight of us moving forward even though the debt is still there it does ease the pressure. I hope your okay and will post on your wall tonight. Thank you for giving me your time.

Hi All,

Two weeks today gamble free. What is different today until before? Everything is now out in the open and I am seeking the support needed to treat this addiction and looking at it head on. Obviously everything is still so raw at the moment, I’ve created a lot of upset and the guilt has really set in. But the money has gone and I owe. But the main thing is getting me on the right track and to keep on that track. It’s scary because for the last 12 years I have gambled on and off, but only these last few months I’ve seen what it actually is, not pleasure or a bit of a thrill. It’s a full blown compulsive gambling and the person I started to become I didn’t like. Obviously with how everything at the moment is I don’t want to want to gamble, so after this is the real challenge but I’m confident that by seeking the help knowing the support network I have, correct blocks and transparency with the money that that gambling will be pretty hard todo. But I don’t want to and I know what I have to lose and that’s everything. I’ts horrible seeing how my parents are, what I’ve done to my wife who struggled growing up with a mum as an alcoholic who lived in denial. But they are being so supportive and understanding even though how hurt they are and the trust I’ve decimated. Honesty is so key to treating an addiction. It cannot be done in secrecy as much as in the past I believed alone that could be done. I will post at the weekend and let you know how I’m getting on. Thanks and all the best to everyone.

Good to hear it's all going in the right direction mate.

It will always take time for things to calm down and ultimately only we can try and rebuild that trust back with our loved ones. Like we said, we know how much we have to loose and that has to be the driving force.

You said you were listening to some after gambling podcasts. What were they called? I would quite like to check them out.

Cheers mate.
RA