How did I feel day one in recovery

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gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

Thank you for your honesty and your sharing.

Often people need to relate to our recovery and journey.

In seeing and feeling other peoples experience we start to understand what is healthy or unhealthy.

Only then can we set boundaries for our self to become healthier.

Our instant gut reaction is a kind of honesty to us.

I know for sure I could not heal until I got more honest with myself and ackowledged that hurt child in me.

Relating to therapies helps us see and feel who we are but also helps us see and feel who we could be.

People in addictions and obsessions do not want pity or sympathy or they remain victims.

Only once we have empathy for our self can we have empathy for other people, people can see empathy as pity and remain victims.

It is our honesty and sharing therapies that helps people understand there is a resolve to healing our pains ad facing our fears.

The stories telling of money and being in action will hinder peoples recovery.

How can we move on from the past not live in it.

My continuing resentments, my anger, my jealousy, my critism indicate I am not healing.

I needed to get focused on me and my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

I would not want myself to dinner because I am like a broken record talking about the importance of spiritual recover.

The speed and the quality of my recovery is all to me.

No one could do it for me.

My reluctance to take my recovery seriously indicated that I did not value myself enough.

And the person I feared facing the most was myself.

I do hope you honesty with your self will speed your recovery.

Regards Dave

 
Posted : 18th August 2019 12:10 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

Thank you for your honesty and your sharing.

Often people need to relate to our recovery and journey.

In seeing and feeling other peoples experience we start to understand what is healthy or unhealthy.

Only then can we set boundaries for our self to become healthier.

Our instant gut reaction is a kind of honesty to us.

I know for sure I could not heal until I got more honest with myself and ackowledged that hurt child in me.

Relating to therapies helps us see and feel who we are but also helps us see and feel who we could be.

People in addictions and obsessions do not want pity or sympathy or they remain victims.

Only once we have empathy for our self can we have empathy for other people, people can see empathy as pity and remain victims.

It is our honesty and sharing therapies that helps people understand there is a resolve to healing our pains ad facing our fears.

The stories telling of money and being in action will hinder peoples recovery.

How can we move on from the past not live in it.

My continuing resentments, my anger, my jealousy, my critism indicate I am not healing.

I needed to get focused on me and my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

I would not want myself to dinner because I am like a broken record talking about the importance of spiritual recover.

The speed and the quality of my recovery is all to me.

No one could do it for me.

My reluctance to take my recovery seriously indicated that I did not value myself enough.

And the person I feared facing the most was myself.

I do hope you honesty with your self will speed your recovery.

Regards Dave

 
Posted : 18th August 2019 12:11 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

The instant I said to myself oh who cares any way was the instant I was going to give up faith and hope in myself.

When I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized, even though I Had been hurt as a child.

The fact I was consumed by my addictions and my obsessions indicated I was living in pain and fear.

I am a non religious person.

Yet I understand that recovery program was not going to do work for me.

The recovery program was going to help me understand how unhealthy I was.

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me be a part of a team with healthy goals.

The recovery program helped me over come my fears, it helped me build my trust,  it helped me to be honest with myself.

Each step was a guide a healthy influence on understanding what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

The recovery program helped me understand that by being stuck in the past I was not able to live for today.

The serenity prayer helped me understand that I am not able to change the past, only once I understand that I was not evil bad or stupid I was just emotionally vulnerable.

Each pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

I understand it is possible to heal my pains.

I understand it is possible to face my fears.

I understand it is possible to become proud of who I am today.

The consequences of my healthy actions and my healthy words today is pride and faith in who I am today.

As my fears reduce my trust grows.

Each time I gambled while I was in the recovery program was a lesson I could learn from.

Each time I gambled while I was in the recovery program I  did not lose clean time, I only lost the day I Gambled.

In time I gained faith and hope in myself, I moved from being unhealthy to being healthy.

I am a non religious person, yet I am being a more spiritual person.

That sounds like conflict but it is not so.

My conscience is based up on spiritual values, when I go against my own conscience I hurt myself and I hurt other people.

The recovery program helped me understand that I can gain faith and hope in myself, that I can become proud of myself.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

 

 
Posted : 19th August 2019 1:33 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

I found that in recovery I was getting obsessed by other addictions and obsessions.

Abstaining was not healing my pains.

The addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I needed to understand my emotional triggers.

For me it was pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

Sadly my thinking was that money would resolve my emotionally vulnerability, that money would make me happy.

The risk taking was not on  Gambling it was a lot of my behaviors.

I am a non religious person and have found my inner healing and living less emotionally vulnerable today.

I to got into another addiction obsession it indicated to me that I was not fully healed.

Telling people I was still emotionally vulnerable unsettled them, yet from my perspective it was a sign of my growing strength.

The pain caused to our partners is not about the money, it is the lies and betrayals that caused pain in people that loved me.

Our healthy honesty empowers us.

I was not able to love myself or respect myself so I was unable to love or respect other people.

Fear is very disabling.

The recovery program is a manual which helps me understand how unhealthy I was and helps me understand how unhealthy I can be if I put time and effort in to my recovery.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 

 

 
Posted : 20th September 2019 2:30 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

I am a non religious person.

My addictions and obsessions was a form of escape in my fears.

Each pain I suffered in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand or face.

My emotional triggers were pain fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

While consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

Often the rage in me was my hurt inner child from events in my life that were not healed.

My emotional triggers were going to be along lesson to learn from.

Each break out or going back to my addictions and obsessions was an indicator that I was very vulnerable.

It took em over two years of doing Karate to learn that I feared aggression and confrontation.

My fears aggression and confrontation came from my parents when I was a little child.

I felt that I was responsible for my parents transferring their pains fears and frustration on to each other.

The recovery program was not a fight, it was a complete surrender to be humbled to myself and my own honesty.

The fork in the road is to move from unhealthy reactions towards healthy interactions with people life and situations.

Do I want to be right all of the time and be alone.

Do I want to control other people and have them fear me.

Do I want to transfer my pains my fears and my frustration on to the very people I am suppose to love and care for.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 22nd September 2019 1:04 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)
Posts: 2156
 

A very good title on this one Dave because it is a complete surrender to a born again moment.

Reaching out for help and surrendering to the unknown for it had us totally under its control.  Totally at the mercy of its power. There is no shame in facing that we couldnt handle this alone or do it all ourselves

I believe in time we learn how that unknown power works on us and indeed what it is. Maybe not everything but enough to try and analyse who we are and why we are susceptible to it

Best wishes

This post was modified 5 years ago 2 times by Joydivider
 
Posted : 24th September 2019 12:33 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

The addictions and obsessions was a form of escape for me, escape from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

The addictions and obsessions were places I went to when I could not cope.

I am a non religious person and found healing my hurt inner child took time.

Why did I not use the telephone list, because I either did not feel worthy of asking for help, or I felt that I did not want to inconvenience other people.

By admitting to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable was enabling to start to understand my emotional triggers.

I use to fear being honest because as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it.

I always associated being honest as being painful.

Today I no longer talk about money lost, I no longer talk about being action.

Today I talk about how I coped with today.

I was not able to communicate before the recovery program.

I use to use swear words because I was not able to articulate myself in healthy ways.

When I try to justify myself I know that I am going against my own conscience or that I am not meeting with my own commitments.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all feelings and emotions towards gambling.

With every therapy I hear I see and feel myself in other people, I see and feel myself in who I use to be, I see and feel myself in who I am today, yet more importantly I see and feel myself in who I can be tomorrow.

Before my recovery I use to do things resentfully and reluctantly.

By doing thing with unhealthy motives I could not get any reward in myself from what I did.

With unhealthy motives I could not get pride in myself.

For every unhealthy habit I give up I replace it with a healthy habit.

Every new healthy habit I Take up make me feel more productive in myself.

Being in the recovery program  today I am far less emotionally vulnerable and no longer have to escape people life and situations.

I am a non religious person and found that by embracing healthy spiritual values I am abe to embrace a healthy life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

 
Posted : 29th September 2019 7:34 am
(@cliffords-had-enough)
Posts: 58
 

One of the strangest things I found was that I gained control over myself and my life BY giving up 'control' and 'controlling ways'...

It isn't a contradiction. By letting go of bad habits and old ways of behaving, one can became a new and happier person...

It is scary. The thought of change and the fear that it is too late and what would life be like if you faced it head on...

You are right, Dave. Admitting that you are scared and vulnerable isn't a weakness, apparently it IS a great strength!

BUT the only way to find that out is to do it!  No one really believes it until it happens...

Just give it a go....take that leap...

 
Posted : 29th September 2019 11:11 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

I am a non religious person yet now understand how unhealthy I was before my recovery.

Abstaining from unhealthy habits means I am able to stop hurting myself.

The addictions the obsessions and unhealthy habits were hard for me to change.

Yet by abstaining only I was white knuckling my recovery.

Once I was able to abstain only then could I get motivated.

I know one thing for sure if I can do it any one can.

I left school with no qualifications what so ever.

Due to painful in my child hood I was not able to learn or absorb information or understanding.

On walking in the the recovery program I did not know what my emotional triggers were.

I did not know how emotionally vulnerable I was.

I found reading text was very boring.

It was only when I was able to relate to other people experiences that I saw myself in other people.

Only once I was committed to my recovery writings things down, writings down my lists of my needs my wants and even started to set goals.

The word dysfunctional was often mentioned but I did not understand to what depth I was dysfunctional. 

By my abstaining I was to get motivated in healthy ways.

I use to think that being angry was healthy, that is was normal.

Every unhealthy reaction I had was an indicator of how unhealthy I was.

Money was never going to give me emotional resolve or healing.

I wanted to blame every one and every thing for my failings.

Unhealthy reactions for me were anger, due to my pains not healed, due to my fears not faced, due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations.

Unhealthy reactions for me were impatience intolerance, these indicated I was hard on myself.

Unhealthy reactions for me were jealousy, hatred, resentments, jealousy, boredom, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of being honest, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of being myself, fear of being emotionally vulnerable, fear of humiliation, fear of public speaking, fear of being hurt, fear of being alone.

I do know that my conscience is spiritually based.

Yet I am a non religious person.

For me the reference normal is not very healthy.

I have been in recovery since 1969, that is over 49 years.

Yet I am only 26 years clean of gambling.

How could it take me so long to take my recovery seriously.

By going to do talks at a recovery center I am hoping that we can save people from hurting them self any more.

Recovery is about healing, yet how can we heal if we do not admit to our self that we are in pain or have been in pain in the past.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was a victim.

Knowing how painful that was being a victim, I then became a perpetrator hurting myself and other people.

Recovery is a very serious issue, if I had not taken my recovery seriously I may have taken my own life.

I had tried to take my own life in my teen age years.

I had even blanked that memory out completely.

So today what is most important in my life.

Relationships and time.

Every thing else is second place.

I can hug my son, I can tell my son how much I love him, I can trust my son unconditionally.

I know for sure he is healthier than I was at his age now.

The recovery program helps those people who want to get healthy.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 2nd October 2019 2:23 pm
(@cliffords-had-enough)
Posts: 58
 

Hurray, someone older than me!

 

 

 

(Sorry Dave!)

 
Posted : 2nd October 2019 10:51 pm
Merry go round
(@merry-go-round)
Posts: 1491
 

Hi Dave I'm going to beckenham tonight, not for a meeting! I see your posts and not many replies. I find they really help me think straight. I need to make that list. I watched a clip of someone famous talking about the 12 steps and how it helps in every day life. As wife of cg I have my own repetitive behaviour that's unhealthy. I want to hear the other side of recovery from a gambler's view. It helps me understand and see how things can change. Thankyou!

 
Posted : 3rd October 2019 6:55 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Merry go round

Hi Dave I'm going to beckenham tonight, not for a meeting! I see your posts and not many replies. I find they really help me think straight. I need to make that list. I watched a clip of someone famous talking about the 12 steps and how it helps in every day life. As wife of cg I have my own repetitive behaviour that's unhealthy. I want to hear the other side of recovery from a gambler's view. It helps me understand and see how things can change. Thankyou!

Hi

Thank you for your response.

Such interactions help us all find healthier paths in our lives.

I use to live in Beckenham and was called Dave of Beckenham at GA because there were so many Daves in those old days.

The recovery program helps both people in a relationship if they want and need it.

I doubt very much I would be the person I am today if it was not for Shirley my wife.

I was in recovery along time then Shirley started to talk about the pains of her past.

It helped us both being able to communicate rather than react in such unhealthy ways.

For me my anger was an indicator that my inner child was not healed.

You are correct do not get to much feed back it takes time for people to get that recovery only works if you work it.

Shirley was very adversely affected by the anger in the rooms and people telling she had to do this or she had to do that.

Recovery and healing only comes about by people being nurturing and encouraging.

A bit like adults with new babies learning how to be healthy parents.

I think the important thing is to be able to communicate in healthy ways.

Last few weeks I felt a little vulnerable and talks about my fears it helped me in so many ways.

It also helped Shirley by knowing I was over coming my fears.

I hope you find healthy choices in your life.

I think Shirley deep down I was a good person but was not ready or able to face myself.

I have also had 11 counselors in my time.

Thank again for your comments and your feed back.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

 
Posted : 3rd October 2019 4:30 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Joydivider

A very good title on this one Dave because it is a complete surrender to a born again moment.

Reaching out for help and surrendering to the unknown for it had us totally under its control.  Totally at the mercy of its power. There is no shame in facing that we couldnt handle this alone or do it all ourselves

I believe in time we learn how that unknown power works on us and indeed what it is. Maybe not everything but enough to try and analyse who we are and why we are susceptible to it

Best wishes

Hi

Yes the person I was fighting the most was myself.

The person I feared facing the most was myself.

The recovery program is about healing and finding a healthy life.

I do not have to get angry today.

I do not have to live in fear today.

I do not have to get frustrated today.

I do not have to lie today.

I do not have to pretend to be some one I am not today.

I am more focused and selfish in healthy ways today.

I am more of a walker than a talker today.

My life today is full of healthy choices and healthy habits today.

Who I am today is not who I was who walked in to recovery 49 years ago.

That is for sure.

The recovery program was a very good investment for my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave  of Beckenham

 
Posted : 3rd October 2019 4:37 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

I am a non religious person yet take the recovery program very seriously.

For me the recovery program is a healing process.

With every pain in my life came fears I did not understand.

With each bet and with each drink and obsession I got weaker and weaker.

Before the recovery program I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.

What feeling or emotion drove me to gamble, what was the driving force of me escaping people life and situations.

One can argue it is adrenaline based, that risk taking gave me a high, I thought it was exciting and that life was boring.

In time I would understand that I was not a bad person, that I was not a stupid person, that I was not worthy of beating myself all the time.

When in action I was causing myself harm, I was in effect working for nothing and giving m money away while I and my family went with out.

Thinking that the next win would make me feel successful in myself, that was not true it was a lie I kept telling myself.

What I did not know that every painful experience I have been through that the day I walked in to the recovery I was a survivor.

So by going to meetings what happened for me.

Well no one could stop me gambling, that had to be my own conscious choice.

Just for today I will not gamble was for today only, just one simple day.

By abstaining from one unhealthy habit I was refraining from causing myself self abuse.

Nothing healthy is gained by living in the past, so the recovery program was going to ask me to write things down.

To expose more of myself, what are my feelings and my emotions, how can I communicate in much healthier ways.

Every unhealthy habit I exchanged in to healthy habit made me more productive.

Abstaining on its own was not enough for me, I needed to use my free time in to getting more productive.

Abstaining and sitting around doing nothing is doing hard time.

The person that limited me from getting things done was myself.

Is procrastination fear based, is it lack of confidence in myself, is it lack of commitment in myself, is it the fact I am not worthy.

I use to organize ten pin bowling for the people in recovery.

I organized discounts for our group it made it cheaper, I had the date I had it all organized but required a deposit.

The majority of people paid on the day of the games, was that procrastination.

Every one enjoyed them self so much they wanted to leave ten pin bowling and go and have a coffee and some thing to eat.

The games were very healthy, as an outsider you would have never have guessed that all those people who were all laughing and joking had suffered some horrific experiences in their lives including me.

As we chatted ate and had a non alcoholic drinks people came alive and were very stimulated.

Before my recovery I was for sure a loner, I use to put on a mask to hide the hurt child in me.

Sadly by having such high walls of fear to protect the hurt child in me, I was in effect stopping myself getting out and interacting with other people.

Before my recovery I was a very angry over sensitive person.

Before my recovery I had certain emotional triggers, pains that were not healed, fears that were not faced, frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people lief and situations.

Before my recovery another emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.

Before my recovery another emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom, I was not productive and feared failure, hence I would even try.

Had I not stuck with the recovery program I would be who I am today.

For me the recovery program I would need to put more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addiction and my obsessions.

The healthy people in recovery program would ask me to take slow baby steps.

The healthy people in recovery program would nurture and encourage me.

The recovery program was never going to try and control my life, no it was going to encourage me to become healthier in every way possible.

How can living in fear in any way be healthy.

A few nights ago I had a dream I had won a very big bet, I use to have these dreams over many years.

The dream did not unsettle me.

I use to have cold sweats when I had dreams of gambling I thought I was going mad.

In the old days I use to I wanted justice, it was vengeance I was asking for, not the same thing.

I use to be angry all of the time, old ladies counting pennies at the till, long line of people at the cinema.

I have difficulty remembering when I was last angry.

My patience and tolerance with other people tells me I have more patience and tolerance with myself.

For sure I was a victim as a child, even knowing how painful it was being a victim I became a perpetrator and hurt people close to me.

I even justified doing unhealthy things.

Being a victim for me is unhealthy today.

Being a perpetrator for me is unhealthy today.

Being a rescuer for me is unhealthy today.

Because of trauma in my child hood I was not able to learn understand or absorb information.

I use to fear the opposite s*x, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear emotional intimacy, I use to fear failure, I use to fear trusting people, I use to fear being questioned, I use to fear showing my ignorance, I use to fear being accountable.

I do know that my emotional age and that my physical age gap is reducing.

How selfish can I be with my recovery today.

I know it sounds weird but I am starting to like myself.

Love and peace toe very one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

 
Posted : 10th October 2019 1:23 pm
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
Topic starter
 

Hi

 

On walking in to the recovery program I did not understand that I was living in fear and panic.

 
I did not understand that my addictions and my obsessions were a form self abuse and escaping people life and situations because I felt so emotionally vulnerable.
 
I am a non religious person and over time with the help of like minded people I would gin faith and hope in myself and in my recovery.
 
It was not enough for me just to read text, I needed to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
 
Only by abstaining from unhealthy habits could I stop hurting myself and start the healing process.
 
On walking in to the recovery program I did not value myself I did not value money and I I did not value other people.
 
Each time I said to myself oh who cares any way was the instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
 
At what time do I admit to myself that I am unhealthy.
 
At what time do I admit to myself that  my addictions and my obsessions were a complete waste of time and my energy.
 
The gambling establishments never hurt me, I hurt myself.
 
The gambling establishments never made me do some thing that I did not want to do.
 
The gambling establishments never hurt other people, I hurt them myself.
 
A time came when each day was very slow baby steps, to change from being unhealthy to become healthy.
 
My days before my recovery were very much fear and panic.
 
On day one in the recovery program I did not think that I could achieve success, I did not think that I could achieve new goals.
 
It took me along time in the recovery program to write down my needs, to write down my wants, and to write down my new found skills.
 
People  do not understand how much fear limited us in every day life.
 
There were so many fears I use to juggle them all and not able to focus on one fear.
 
The recovery program was a manual to healthy living, the recovery program was not going to do the work for me, only when I gave the same amount of energy in to my recovery would I over come feeling emotionally vulnerable.
 
Feeling emotionally vulnerable did not mean I was a weak person.
 
The recovery program was about healing my hurt inner child.
 
The recovery program was about me learning each day I can make much healthier choices.
 
Me being in the recovery program I would find out that as a child I was a victim.
 
I would find out that being in an addiction or obsession I became a perpetrator.
 
Why was it as a child people picked on me in so many ways.
 
Why did not pick pick on other people,  because other people were not as emotionally vulnerable as I was.
 
I did karate for two years it took me two years to learn that I feared aggression and confrontation.
 
My fears of aggression and confrontation came from my parents anger towards each other which was before I was even seven years of age.
 
To stop being the victim I needed to speak up for myself.
 
To be healthy to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
 
If  you meet aggression with aggression things become very unhealthy and cause further pains.
 
There was the wording that people are negative people, is that true.
 
For me I understand that people who are angry are people who were victims that never healed from their past.
 
I use to say to myself that I wanted justice, it was not justice I wanted, I wanted vengeance, not the same thing.
 
It  took me time to learn to write things down, to get clarity and focus, by writing things down I remain completely focused on things today.
 
The recovery program would help me heal my hurt inner child, recovery would help me live from the past and not live in it.
 
The recovery program would help me learn to articulate myself in healthy ways.
 
The recovery program would help me learn to heal and cry for my hurt inner child.
 
The recovery program would help me learn to be more patient and tolerant with myself.
 
In time my fear of failure reduced, my fear of the opposite s*x reduced, my fear of emotional intimacy reduced, my fear of abandonment and rejection reduced, my fear of being honest reduced, my fear of family gatherings reduced, my fear of feeling ignorant reduced, my fear of feeling inadequate reduced, my fear of commitment reduced, my fear of having cash on me reduced, my fear of trust reduced, and my procrastination reduced.
 
Who or what did avoid facing or dealing with.
 
I have been to graves so that my pains could be healed and my fears were faced, I have been to places where horrific things happened to me.
 
I have become some one who I am proud to be today.
 
Learn from our past, do not live in ti.
 
Love and peace to every one.

 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave of Beckenham
 
Posted : 13th October 2019 6:24 am
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