My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
As an innocent child I had certain expectations physical and emotional some of those emotional expectations was having caring loving nurturing and protection, sadly my emotional needs were not met or fulfilled.
In being over sensitive and getting angry very quickly was a read flag that I had not been able to heal the pains and nurture them from my past. Sadly unhealthy angry people can be suppressive aggressive, or expressive aggressive people or even play both parts, either way there are not understanding the source of their anger.
For me my reaction in anger was and is a consequence of my pains I am unable to heal or could be fears I have not resolved from my life, then there is frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
For me to become grateful I needed to have a self enlightenment and change in my value system, for a long time I took people and life for granted.
I did not value myself so I could not value how important healthy relationships for me.
I am a spiritual person yet a religious person. People do not need to be religious to be healthy.
There are many recovery programs out there, yet the underline understanding is that spiritual growth is very important to me today, sadly most people will assume that the mention of spiritual growth is about religion and that is not so or correct.
When any society has an increase if people who are unhealthy the question is who is responsible for our societies turning towards easy options and crimes.
The suggestion that people turn to crime because they are short of money, for me people turn to crime because they are not able to meet their needs. Or that they no longer respect them self or other people.
People will justify going against their conscience and go against spiritual values if they are in a state of being consumed by fears and go into panic mode.
So how do we help people learn to value them self, who is responsible for spiritual values in our society, do we feel that lack of spiritual education is due to reduce in education of spiritual values.
How many people think that money will make them happy, how many people think that money will resolve all of their emotional issues. How many people think that money will resolve damaged relationships.
Do we need to be death to recognize that the love of a person is the most precious thing in our life. How many people use money or gifts to say I love you, how many people use money or gifts to say I am sorry for my unhealthy actions or unhealthy words.
For me gratitude is about showing my appreciation for all of the healthy things in my life today. The pains of my past once healed become my strength today. I am very selfish today. My belief system changes as I grow and take healthier paths each day. Understanding emotional triggers were important for my growth and maturity in becoming a mature person emotionally so that my physical and emotional were equal. Today do I react or interact with other people today. Am I willing to question myself about my vulnerability today in every avenue of my life.
My serenity to accept those thing I am unable to change, courage to change the things I can, the only thing I can change is myself. Sorry about the long one, I do however cure insomnia though if you read my stuff long enough.
Today at the later seasons of my life I understand that that my child hood unreasonable expectations spilled in to my adult years.
Today I understand and learn that as an adult I was suppose to fulfill my own expectations my needs wants and goals, and when I became a parent I was suppose to meet my childrens expectations both physical and emotional one of those emotional expectations was to be caring loving nurturing and give protection, sadly at times I could not even fulfill my own expectations so how could I fulfill other peoples expectations physical or emotional.
The spiritual recovery program helps us get grounded and focused what we need to do for our self in order for us to get healthy, to understand our emotional wants and emotional needs and then by own actions to fulfill those emotional wants and emotional needs.
Do I honestly think that another person or thing will help me do the work I need to do on me, I learn by example, people demonstrate to me how to live a healthy life.
To think that another person is going to do the work for me is putting my responsibility on to them.
The truth before recovery I was in such a self destructive mode yet would not admit it to myself, the recovery program would help me get honest with myself, the 20 questions always remained the same, yet my answer to the 20 questions was for me and my benefit.
How often do other people transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to me, do I take other peoples insecurity as my own, just because people are not willing to do the work it is their choice, not mine.
My life is about balance, if anything or any one thing up sets that balance who responsibility is it.
Even though I am not religious I do believe in spiritual values, spiritual values is what a healthy society is all about, spiritual interactions is all about me coming out of myself and moving away from my fears and facing those fears.
For me to come out of myself more is about fear and trust issues, is everyone in the recovery program healthy yet, not at all, yet we all find a room where we feel secure and more so comfortable.
There was a time when I use to hide rooms with number of people, it was a form of me hiding from exposing more of myself.
Not surprising that when it is suggested that people go to counseling that kind of honesty could not happen because of the fears that limit us.
After being in meetings for many decades I became more fearless and more trusting I was ready for counseling, only when I was fearless would it work for me.
On walking in to recovery I would have thought that I was the only person with emotional issues, once I started to open up more I would see and feel that there are lots of people who have unresolved issued from their child hood.
I would in effect see myself in those suffering people, was it my place to say anything to those people if I am not asked.
Do I protect myself today, am I able to speak up for myself today, do the bullies try to dump on me today, do people try to manipulate and control me today, do people try and push religion on to me today, do people try and push their insecurity on to me today.
We change how we feel in our self by our own healthy actions and healthy words, no matter how long I was unhealthy I have a choice today, in taking reference of myself from day one in recovery in comparison to how I feel today there has been change in me and how much I value myself today.
Once we become accountable to our self once we take inventory of our unhealthy actions and unhealthy words we can move on from our unhealthy past habits, it is a slow process.
Every one of our unhealthy actions and unhealthy words has consequences, in tie we recognize that the pains we caused our self and other people cannot be taken back, once we cause pain if we are spiritual people we feel guilt and shame which is healthy.
Over time if we become healthy we will no longer be a threat to other people, and due to our change of habits and repairing of relationships repair relationships with other people.
It is not uncommon for people in recovery to do penance and do things out of guilt or shame, doing things for unhealthy motives is not productive in our recovery.
And often doing things for unhealthy motives out of guilt or shame we have expectations and that will just cause us further pains.
In the recovery program doing things for healthy motives just for our self is self rewarding, as we do more healthy things we change how we feel in our self, we start to feel proud of our self if we have a healthy sponsor.
To give our self approval and feel deeply proud of our self in the way change how we feel deeply within our self, in the past we did not have any choice, in the spiritual recovery program we have more healthy choices today by simple baby steps.
My fears of my past unhealthy pains and experiences made me unlovable, today I have other choices in my day.
The spiritual recovery program asks people to give the program 90 days of their effort and time and attending meetings, so that they can compare how they felt before entering the spiritual recovery program and how they feel afterwards, if there is no change you can have you’re all of your misery and self inflicted pains back once more. If you really want it that way again.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.
That was my choice.
Just for today I will not gamble was a boundary where I was going to try moving myself from a very unhealthy destruction mode, Just for today I will not gamble was all about abstaining, then as I started to work my recovery, for me recovery was about healing and getting better and spiritually healthy once more.
Yet before I could become healthier I needed to be honest with myself and admit that a lot of my actions and words were unhealthy, also lack of actions and words were not healthy, now who gets to decide which of my actions were unhealthy, that was something I needed to without beating myself up any more.
In understanding my serenity I accept that I am not able to change other people or life itself, yet for me change was all down to my actions and effort in to becoming a healthy person once more.
Understanding my serenity means that I am unable to change other people, understanding the fact if people do not respect them self then they are unable to respect other people or me.
In time I would learn that there were certain habits were going against spiritual values, and I am not talking about religions, being spiritual means that you are able to interact with all people healthy or otherwise.
Spiritual people will see them self as equals, spiritual people will humble them self to be loyal loving sincere caring and respectful, I use to think that Spiritual people were weak people, how more wrong could I have been.
I do not have to justify myself today, I do not want to take the easy option today,
Understanding my emotional trigger pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom I am able to take stock today of how I felt on day one walking in to the spiritual recovery program back in 1969.
My pains on arrival in to the spiritual recovery program was a very high ten out of ten. Sadly I had got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains over much of my life.
My fear on arrival in to the spiritual recovery program was a very high ten out of ten. My levels of fear were high and caused me to go in to panic mode very quickly without being able to think clearly or listen to healthy advice. From my perspective healthy advice was people trying to control me.
My frustrations on arrival in to the spiritual recovery program were a very high ten out of ten. My unreasonable expectations caused frustrations with in me which in turn I caused pain on to myself.
My loneliness on arrival in to the spiritual recovery program was high ten out of ten. Fear and lack of trust issues caused me to isolate myself and fear emotional intimacy.
My boredom on arrival in to the spiritual recovery program was high ten out of ten. Even though I did good work as a job my motives were very unhealthy. I did work reluctantly and resentfully, I could not even give myself any kind of approval or credit for doing good work.
My pains are an all time low, the pains of my child hood have been cried over, I do not cause myself pain today, I do not want to cause pain to other people today.
The only person that limits me is myself, The only person that changes how I feel is myself, at the end of the day as get healthy and move from blame and excuses we find our true peace contentment and happiness comes from within.
To understand my emotional triggers were also loneliness due to childhood abandonment issues and boredom due to the fact I was only really productive at work, I did not put enough time effect in to my want time and family life.
The spiritual recovery program has helped me appreciate my true potential in what I can do and achieve by own actions, that is I ask people to show me how to do things I can then do them for myself.
No matter where I am today I am alone, I know that sounds very strange and weird, once I faced and healed somewhat that vulnerable hurt child in me the fear of being alone started to fade.
When I got married did I have lots of unresolved emotional baggage, did I really think that by marrying Shirley would make me happy, did I really think that I knew how to behave as an adult, did I know what commitment loyalty were all about.
I was told once that those high walls of fear are used to protect that hurt little child in me, sadly those same walls of fear stop me from getting out and having full healthy emotional spiritual interactions with other people.
Step one is about unconditional surrender and unconditional acceptance, that comes from our own security within our self, there is no more fighting our self once we accept.
Then step one is about understanding our emotional vulnerability and our emotional triggers. And later why we feel vulnerable at certain times and with certain people or certain sexes.
Step two come to believe, once we accept that we are all equals in the recovery program and that is just one person can achieve progress and success we can, come to believe is not about a religious belief only but more about changing from lack of faith in our self to come to believe that every unhealthy habit we can learn something healthy about our self.
Step three is a conscious decision we need to make for our self only first of all, that to acknowledge to our self that in the past we were unhealthy in certain parts of our actions and words, and by being completely honest to our self we will no longer want to adversely affect our self or other people around us.
This is not about our actions or our change yet, it is only opening our mind to the possibilities of change. To over time to overcome the deep seated emotional inner fears of change.
Step four just the mention of step four me caused great fears within me, those fears were an indicator that being accountable was all about beating our self up with guilt and shame, that is not what step four is all about, step four is recognizing our own healthy and our own unhealthy habits and the consequences of those unhealthy habits, again up to this point we are only being honest with our self, no actions on our part are required yet.
Step five is about overcoming our fears and learning to trust once more, this person should be someone who is spiritually healthy and who is not going to transfer their pains fears and frustration on you, it is not about judging or being critical it is about understanding how that in the past we did not have a healthy choice, again by talking about it is not about our actions as yet.
With practicing step five is a release for us from guilt shame and embarrassments bringing up topics that were a burden to us for so long.
Step six for me was being honest about our unhealthy habits and be willing change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits understanding that every action has consequences, unhealthy actions has unhealthy consequences, healthy actions have healthy consequences.
Step six for me every lie deception causes fears, impatience and intolerance is an indicator that I am being hard on myself, resentments guilt shame are telling me I am living in the pains of my past and am remaining a victim.
Step six that for me every method of escape I use indicates that I m not facing my fears.
Step six for me every pain I bury and suppress is not healthy for me.
Step seven humble ask is an indicator that I am maturing, if you believe in religion that is healthy for you, to ask means that I am less emotionally vulnerable and that I need assistance, asking for help and guidance is assign of strength and honesty. Being ignorant is not being stupid, we just did not know.
Step eight is us being accountable to our self, as we get more honest and view people that have been adversely affected by us, in effect victims of our unhealthy actions, or have been victims of our lack of healthy actions.
Step nine which I use to think that direct amends was all about just saying sorry only, for me that was done fist of all from what I thought I needed to do, then after redoing that step I went back and made amends because I wanted to so, yet making amends does not mean that our victims will or are able to forgive us, that is their choice not ours, have no expectations of other people reactions in this step. Yet be well prepared for the worst that could happen.
Step ten is about ongoing maturity about change and adjustments to every any situations we learn from and to be accountable to our self first of all about what is healthy and unhealthy in our actions and words, step ten is about repairing damaged relationships due to our unhealthy actions or unhealthy words, or due to failure at us not doing the right at thing at the right time.
Step eleven is about being at peace with yourself and your own belief system, to have a time in your day to get focus and clarity in the healthiest path you need to take today.
Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual values by your actions and words, by practicing spiritual words values and actions in your life you demonstrate spiritual possibilities for other people to learn from. In the spiritual rooms of recovery we demonstrate our actions and words of our past is not who we are today. That we have overcome fears and learned to be the healthiest person we can be today.
Step twelve, by this time we will be demonstrating spiritual values and have encouraging skills and nurturing skills to other people who are not sure of them self and who have low self esteem, by our demonstrating healthy fearless character we will help other people feel more comfortable and fearless in themselves once more in the rooms of recovery first of all.
Just for today I will have healthy motives clarity focus and a list of my needs wants and my goals.
Just for today I will live for today only.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive gambler.
I have been attending the rooms of spiritual recovery now for over 43 years.
Does spiritual recovery work for me today, yes because I am working my recovery every day.
Sadly I thought because I turned up at meetings that the rooms were going to fix me, not so.
The way we are given advice is very important, by people saying you have to indicates they are talking from an obsessive way.
It is highly recommended for me to get healthy that I follow certain guide line.
When I walked in to spiritual recovery I was emotionally traumatized and could not explain how I felt or my way of thinking.
When I walked in to spiritual recovery I could not explain why I lied so often, I could not explain how much panic I was in or how much fear I lived in.
There is no doubt in my mind that I had given up all faith and hope in myself.
People would often say that pride stopped me from changing in the spiritual recovery.
No sadly I had no pride in myself in any way or form, in time I would build up pride in myself and my actions, over time I would not have a need or want to lie any more.
Last night there was a meeting and a meeting after the meeting, it was very powerful and so much honesty, there was no fear and people felt very comfortable.
The number of time people think that few people meets a short meeting, and then are really surprised how quickly time flied by and how long meeting went on.
Why do people question every thing and every one, is it because they want to learn and understand or is it because they fear and doubt every thing that is new and if thing are going to change they think it will be unsettling.
Because of my 43 years in the meetings that I am an expert, not so I am just at a different level in my recovery.
If every thing and every one did not test my recovery I would not grow with in myself.
Why did for most of my life did people take advantage of me physically emotionally and sexually.
I now understand that I was emotionally vulnerable from a very early age, the addictions and obsessions were just an indicator that all not well with in myself.
Do I interact with life and people today in a healthy way today, or do I react in an unhealthy way today through anger fear frustrations resentments jealousy loneliness or boredom today.
Do I in any way justifying my actions or words today, do I escape responsibility for my actions or words today.
Do I blame other people for how I feel today.
I have been to meetings in many countries and yet feel very comfortable in all of the rooms.
Only by me questioning my insecurities and my fears could I do any things about them.
The spiritual recovery for me is not religious based, when eventually I talk in a sponsorship situation it is not about who is right or wrong but more about what is healthy or unhealthy about me today.
Once I make that decision to make healthy actions and so do them the responsibility is all mine, yes I could not do it on my own in the past.
Yet in spiritual recovery I am able to achieve more and more with my life.
Being fearless takes me to being healthy as when I was first born, being fearless I am to have healthy relationships once more.
Am I burying and suppressing my pains today or am I healing them, as I heal my pains do my fears fade.
I have earned healthy living today.
I have been cut brutaly beaten humiliated abused and used yet today I am more of a survivor than ever before.
I did two years in karate to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation, that I did enjoy physical contact and fighting.
Can I change another to want or need recovery today, no sadly that is their conscious choice they need to make for them self.
No matter how much I like or love people in the , I am not able to do people recovery for them, that is their choice.
Do the rooms I attend do people control or manipulate me or do they help me nurture and help me help myself.
Relating to other people helps me see myself in others both healthy and unhealthy, in relating to other people I am able to see and feel how I use to be, also who I am today, yet more importantly how I can be tomorrow.
As we grow and change at different rates in our recovery the difference often remains the same between people.
That can often mislead us in to thinking we are not growing at all, that is not so.
I use to think that money would make me happy. I use to think that money would resolve all my emotional vulnerability and my emotional triggers.
No money just gives me more choices, I do not measure people success by their money or wealth, I measure people recovery by their healthy actions and words.
I now understand that money can spoil people, they lose touch with values and they do not fulfill their own wants and needs, hence as a parent it is important to help children aim for goals and achieve things for them self.
I look forward to having another full day of being productive and making life a more stable and secure place for myself and my family.
I am working on being the healthiest person I can be today.
Love and peace to every one
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive gambler.
For me it was very important that I started to understand every about some thing before I could move on and learn more.
When I heard certain things in the spiritual rooms of recovery I use to react and feel very uncomfortable and confused.
Some one said I do not have a gambling problem but I do have an emotional problem, what does that mean.
How could it take a fully physically grown person over 23 years to understand one very simple paragraph.
When it was aid that honesty was the best policy, why did I react in such a nervous way and feel so uncomfortable.
I have invested over 43 years in the spiritual rooms of recovery healing growing be able to learn to love, learning how to respect myself, learning how to heal my pains, learning how to face my fears one at a time, learning how to not have expectations would stop me causing myself pain and being disappointed.
In losing my mother in November I am able to talk about her with out choking up about it.
As the suppressed pains of my past are recalled and remembered I understand that little hurt boy in me is healing more.
How was it possible that I was not able to understand my deepest true feelings, How was it possible that I was able to bury and suppress my pains for so long and it think it was normal.
The experts say it is healthy to be angry, yet rarely in my life were the experts able to explain and help me understand why I was angry.
Life being unmanageable was a deep seated emotional issue.
Waking up in cold sweats use to cause me to think I was going insane, yet now it is vey rare for me to even dream of gambling.
For me gamblers anonymous was a fellowship and then became my second family, gamblers anonymous and other step meetings did not help me understand what spiritual recovery was all about.
People can become healthy with out having a religious belief, over time our programming and our very basic deep seated beliefs will change with time, as we grow and become more accountable to our self.
Relating to peoples therapies relating to peoples experiences during the addictions and obsessions before during and after would help me understand how long in my life I use to react to people and life in an unhealthy way.
All healthy spiritual values are about having healthy interactions with myself and with other people.
By being an unhealthy dysfunctional person I was unable to have healthy spiritual interactions with other people because of fear based issues.
Fear based issues were caused because of deep seated pains of my past that went with out being healed or resolved in a healthy way.
I do not fear gambling establishments today, it would be like saying I am afraid of Walmarts or afraid of super markets.
It very much looks like I will be attending the 50th GA convention in the UK this year, I am now looking forward to it.
Shirley said it was better for me to go to UK convention and do Haiwai next year on our 45th wedding anniversary if Shirley is willing to still put up with me that long.
Shirley also told me that she likes the unpredictable little boy in me, I would like to think that I never sulk these days when I do not get what I want.
In me seeing myself in others it became easy for me to understand what is healthy and unhealthy in how I deal with life.
Yesterday I went curtain shopping with Shirley in the old two things would have happened I would put it off as long as possible, I would do it reluctantly and make it painful for myself.
Well yesterday Shirley asked my opinion in the old days I would have said they are fine no matter what Shirley liked, yet I was able to put an opinion about what I thought would be better.
Shirley and I talked about what we best, then we both agreed and picked the curtains.
Last night Shirley hung the curtains and we both agreed it was a good choice on both our parts.
Marriage is about people interacting with each other, marriage is about healthy emotional intimacy and not living in fear of each other, marriage is about getting the best from a close relationship.
In the old days me wanting to control life and people was just a indicator of how inadequate and insecure I was with in myself.
It took me to learn and understand my deep seated emotional issues.
Today I would like to think that I am more spiritual than not.
Today I would like to think that I am more accountable than not.
Today I would like to think that I am more mature than not.
Today I would like to think that I am more forgiving than not.
Today I would like to think that I am more patient and tolerant with myself.
Am I talking spiritual recovery or am I doing it.
Talk is cheap, my growth and healthy actions are what true recovery is all about.
Do my family fear me or mistrust me today, when I say I trust Shirley with my life is it true.
Love and peace to every one Dave.
My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive gambler.
For me I questioned if I could find recovery and healing if I did not have or was not able to believe in any form of religion, was it possible.
What did it mean to me the word spiritual, in time over 40 years I would question every avenue of recovery and healing.
Today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was emotionally traumatized that I was burying and suppressing pains from many avenues of my life.
Was I able to cry and heal my emotional pain, today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was not stupid evil bad dumb and that I was reacting in many unhealthy ways.
Did I really think that I started to live in fear from my addictions ad obsessions, no fear was with me long before my addictions and obsessions.
The addictions and obsessions were just indicators that I was not able to deal with life and people in an emotional way in a healthy way.
Once in recovery I would go on a journey of self enlightenment I would change from reacting to life and people to interacting with to life and people.
Every time I lied was an indicator I was not mature and feared being honest from a very early age.
I use to think and feel that honesty was painful, yet once in recovery my kind of honesty grew as I became more and more comfortable with myself that my relationship with the rooms and with myself improved I was growing to no longer live in fear, I was becoming fearless.
Often you will ear people say I do not care what people think of me, is it honest that we do not care or the fact what people think of us is no longer important, it is important what we think and feel about our self which is important that we know the truth about our self.
Honesty is the best policy what did that use to mean to me, it made me laugh, yet today I understand that healthy relationships are based up on honesty
Sadly people who do not understand that talking about our past is no longer about portioning blame and who was responsible for unhealthy event sin our life, in some kind of way people will feel very uncomfortable about our honesty.
Once I started to understand that control is fear based, that bullies are in fact very weak cowardly inadequate insecure people who want to feel they have control over other people.
Did people try to regulate me on entering rooms of recovery, yes often saying you have to do this or do that, when in fact they were trying to say it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do or do not do certain things for your own benefit.
Did I know that I was an unhealthy person, did I know how immature I was, did I know how many fears I lived in, did I know how inadequate and insecure I was.
Today I am more of a survivor than ever before in m life, as a teenager I tried to take my own life because I was unable to heal the pains I was going through.
Every day my steel and my recovery is being tested, things that use to cause me go raging mad now make me laugh at myself and life.
There is no end to spiritual growth and being able to give more of myself unconditionally.
Often people use to say that trying some thing was a waste of time and energy in reference to me trying new challenges, to suggest giving up on myself before even trying, I understand those people were very unhealthy people and were ignorant of how much we can achieve by our own actions.
It I important every day to fulfil my wants needs and goals and do my very best in every thing I do or say.
As I grew stronger and more confident in myself the lists got longer and I filled up my life being active and healthy. It all started from just for today. Baby steps.
For me it was very important that I started to understand every about some things before I could move on and learn more.
Some one said I do not have a gambling problem but I do have an emotional problem, what does that mean.
How could it take a fully physically grown person over 23 years to understand one very simple paragraph.
When it was aid that honesty was the best policy, why did I react in such a nervous way and feel so uncomfortable.
I have invested over 44 years in the spiritual rooms of recovery healing growing be able to learn to love, learning how to respect myself, learning how to heal my pains, learning how to face my fears one at a time, learning how to not have expectations would stop me causing myself pain and being disappointed.
As the suppressed pains of my past are recalled and remembered I understand that little hurt boy in me is healing more.
It was important to understand how I felt before I gambled how I felt during my time of gambling how I felt after I had gambled.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave
My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive gambler.
For me I questioned if I could find recovery and healing if I did not have or was not able to believe in any form of religion, was it possible.
What did it mean to me the word spiritual, in time over 40 years I would question every avenue of recovery and healing.
Today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was emotionally traumatized that I was burying and suppressing pains from many avenues of my life.
Was I able to cry and heal my emotional pain, today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was not stupid evil bad dumb and that I was reacting in many unhealthy ways.
Did I really think that I started to live in fear from my addictions ad obsessions, no fear was with me long before my addictions and obsessions.
The addictions and obsessions were just indicators that I was not able to deal with life and people in an emotional way in a healthy way.
Once in recovery I would go on a journey of self enlightenment I would change from reacting to life and people to interacting with to life and people.
Every time I lied was an indicator I was not mature and feared being honest from a very early age.
I use to think and feel that honesty was painful, yet once in recovery my kind of honesty grew as I became more and more comfortable with myself that my relationship with the rooms and with myself improved I was growing to no longer live in fear, I was becoming fearless.
Often you will ear people say I do not care what people think of me, is it honest that we do not care or the fact what people think of us is no longer important, it is important what we think and feel about our self which is important that we know the truth about our self.
Honesty is the best policy what did that use to mean to me, it made me laugh, yet today I understand that healthy relationships are based up on honesty
Sadly people who do not understand that talking about our past is no longer about portioning blame and who was responsible for unhealthy event sin our life, in some kind of way people will feel very uncomfortable about our honesty.
Once I started to understand that control is fear based, that bullies are in fact very weak cowardly inadequate insecure people who want to feel they have control over other people.
Did people try to regulate me on entering rooms of recovery, yes often saying you have to do this or do that, when in fact they were trying to say it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do or do not do certain things for your own benefit.
Did I know that I was an unhealthy person, did I know how immature I was, did I know how many fears I lived in, did I know how inadequate and insecure I was.
Today I am more of a survivor than ever before in m life, as a teenager I tried to take my own life because I was unable to heal the pains I was going through.
Every day my steel and my recovery is being tested, things that use to cause me go raging mad now make me laugh at myself and life.
There is no end to spiritual growth and being able to give more of myself unconditionally.
Often people use to say that trying some thing was a waste of time and energy in reference to me trying new challenges, to suggest giving up on myself before even trying, I understand those people were very unhealthy people and were ignorant of how much we can achieve by our own actions.
It I important every day to fulfil my wants needs and goals and do my very best in every thing I do or say.
As I grew stronger and more confident in myself the lists got longer and I filled up my life being active and healthy. It all started from just for today. Baby steps.
For me it was very important that I started to understand every about some things before I could move on and learn more.
Some one said I do not have a gambling problem but I do have an emotional problem, what does that mean.
How could it take a fully physically grown person over 23 years to understand one very simple paragraph.
When it was aid that honesty was the best policy, why did I react in such a nervous way and feel so uncomfortable.
I have invested over 44 years in the spiritual rooms of recovery healing growing be able to learn to love, learning how to respect myself, learning how to heal my pains, learning how to face my fears one at a time, learning how to not have expectations would stop me causing myself pain and being disappointed.
As the suppressed pains of my past are recalled and remembered I understand that little hurt boy in me is healing more.
It was important to understand how I felt before I gambled how I felt during my time of gambling how I felt after I had gambled.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I do get much pleasure from being productive by my actions and words, fulfilling my wants and needs and understanding the difference.
I do understand that talk is cheap, if my words do not match my actions I am most certainly cheating myself.
Before spiritual recovery I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, by the way spiritual values and actions has nothing to do about religion, every religion known is suppose to be spiritual guidance towards people having healthy relationships with them self and each other.
I am safely back in Calgary and am a little disorientated due to flights and getting up at 4.30 yesterday, I am so glad to have a home and to be in a city which is healthy and safe.
My steel is being tested more and more as I get healthier, things that use to cause me to go in to panic mode I am able to cope with in a healthier way.
When I walked in to recovery I could not admit to myself that I was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that my rage and anger was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that living in resentments was unhealthy, that even being angry was unhealthy.
My anger and resentments started from a very early age that I am very sure of today.
In this last week I have seen and heard some very powerful things from my wife Shirley, her speaking her mind openly and completely honestly helps me understand she no longer fears me.
I would like to think that in time my wife Shirley will be fearless in every way.
Shirley my wife is far stronger that I am, she is far more willing to learn than I am.
I am a survivor today, no matter what happens in my life I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself.
Life being unmanageable had nothing to do about the gambling establishments or money, life being unmanageable was due to the fact I could not cope with my feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
Today I do not want or need to gamble I know that today for sure.
Who did I fear most of all walking in to the spiritual recovery program, I feared facing myself.
So a decade of being the victim and feeling vulnerable emotionally, then by 2 to 3 decades of in and out of recovery not taking recovery seriously I eventually learned what step one was all about.
From victim to perpetrator how do you find out what healthy is all about, surely I wanted to become a rescuer once in the rooms of recovery, to help other people before I helped myself.
Control and order where is the line, highly productive and obsessive where is the line, controlling other people and nurturing people where is the line.
Some people become obsessed with the recovery program, if people react in an unhealthy way people questioning the recovery program that indicates how insecure I am within myself.
I am for sure more secure in myself today, if people question me I do not feel threatened or vulnerable, after all the recovery program is only a manual to healthy living, it is not a religious belief to me.
Recovery is about healing, and if you are not willing to admit to yourself you are sick, how can you get better. It is as simple as that.
I use to think that the recovery program was going to control me, sadly the recovery program was going to help me help myself on a slow change to a healthier way of life.
How can you justify walking in to a gambling establishment and freely giving away your house your car cloths holidays and think you are having fun.
That conscious decision that I wanted to change and improve how I felt about myself, to not do it for my wife mother son and or anyone else but to do it for myself.
By writing things down I was learning to be accountable to myself, that was one of the mature things I did, yet there was a fear I could not express or articulate without feeling silly or stupid.
Today writing down my wants needs and goals is important to me, as I fulfill each one cross them out, that crossing things out is confidence building.
My goals are long term, my life story has taken a long time to put to paper and need a lot of work doing on it.
How many times I write indicates how much I value myself, there is nothing I say or do that will change another person, that is their choice, may be a person can relate to me as I was or as I could be yet that again is their conscious decision for change for the healthier.
Just for Today I will be motivated in a healthy way.
Just for Today I will be selfish about my recovery and becoming the healthiest person I can be proud of.
I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would never have leaned how unhealthy I was and how much I was missing from my life.
I use to blame other people and the world for how I use to feel.
I use to feel responsible for how other people felt.
I use to stress myself out and worry so much I could not stay focused on things today.
What is spiritual recovery, well healthy spiritual interactions is what spiritual recovery is all about.
If you are being resentful you are not healing your pains in a healthy way, if you are being vengeful you are trying to transfer your pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
I was so torn apart because I was not focused on just for today only.
The getting money was a deviation, the gambling was a deviation, the obsessions and hoarding was a deviation, of me not facing my true feelings.
What part did I play victim perpetrator or rescuer.
How could I respect other people if I was not able to respect myself.
My life was unhealthy and unmanageable long before I was seven years of age.
My life was unhealthy and unmanageable when I was attemping suicide as a teenager.
Am I burying or healing my pains today.
How do we heal and nurture our pains today.
I so much wanted to be normal now normal is not healthy enough for me.
Before I found the spiritual recovery program I was ignorant as to how unhealthy I was and what I was missing from my life.
I use to question if I was stupid dumb evil wrong yet at that time I did not understand in those days I did not have a choice, like the beaten dog had no choice but to shake in fear, I did not have a choice but to escape some where I did not have to face how I felt or deal with my feelings.
I would have liked to have thought that gambling made me sick, yet now understand that the gambling and obsessive escaping were just symptoms that I was not able to cope well with pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
I was advised that the gambling establishments were not the problem that I was the problem, that seemed very cruel when a person does not understand addictions.
The emotional confusion I wondered as I got in to my recovery when did it all start, as I viewed and opened up my life I was amazed for how long I had buried and suppressed my pains and hid my fears from other people.
I would find that my unhealthy behavior of resentments started from a very early age.
Feeling responsible for how other people felt also started from a very early age in my life, in time I would understand that my emotional wants and my needs were not fulfilled as a young child.
As a young child I needed to feel cared for loved nurtured and protected and that was not going to happen for sure, my parents were unable to fulfill their own emotional wants and my needs.
No one forced me in to unhealthy living it happened gradually over many decades, it started by risk taking and being resentful yet not being able to speak up for myself directly or indirectly.
In those days people justified causing other people pain and humiliation, I did so myself, it was in the rooms of spiritual recovery I would become accountable to myself.
Understanding that every fear I had as an adult was due to unresolved painful traumatic experiences which were not healed and nurtured and put to rest.
I was born spiritually free of all fears, I was born unconditionally honest, I was able to give of myself unconditionally, I was able to trust unconditionally and grew up unable to heal and nurture my own pains.
So I got in to the habit of burying and suppressing painful events in my life and eventually would learn to blank painful periods out of my mind where they would hide in the subconscious area of my mind.
In time as I healed the past would come back to surface once more when I was ready to heal and deal with my past traumas.
So by living in guilt shame and embarrassment indicated I was not able to heal pains of my past, living in guilt was also an indicator that I had gone against my own conscience and gone against spiritual values.
Shame and embarrassment was one emotion that took me time to understand that it could be a consequence of my unhealthy actions and words or it could have been something that an unhealthy person did to me.
I felt that guilt was often due to my unhealthy actions and words I used towards another person that adversely affected that person.
I felt guilt for my unhealthy actions and words towards other people but in time I felt guilt for my unhealthy actions and words towards myself.
The word failure was a very unhealthy word to use about myself, in time I would learn that every experience we have can be an asset over time.
That by doing the actions in recovery is the opposite of failure.
When parents were full of aggression and confrontation I felt it was all about me, that I was responsible for their pains fears and frustrations, how could I take so much on board.
That even when parents were suppressive aggressive that would also make me feel like I was abandoned emotionally, I did not understand that they could not heal their own pains, that they could not face their own fears, that I was not responsible for their frustrations due to their high expectations of each other and their high expectations of life and other people.
So recovery comes in to my life, what are my wants and needs, and what am I going to do about those wants and needs, it was obvious to everyone around me knew that I needed the spiritual recovery program, yet it was not obvious to me at all.
All I wanted to do was abstain from the gambling addiction, I thought I would be happy once I did that, I am sure even Shirley thought that if I stopped gambling I would be fine, not so.
I understand that healthy spiritual people do not adversely affect other people in way or form, that healthy spiritual people would help and nurture other people in to doing healthy things with their life.
I use to think that spiritual people were weak people, I use to think also that humble people were weak people, how could I have got it all so wrong in my thinking and my way of living.
How could people care and respect me if they did not care and respect them self, it was very simple to me once I understood some simple facts about people.
There was one statement about dysfunctional people that I questioned that dysfunctional people were not able to be accountable and mature people, now it makes sense because dysfunctional people are too scared to be honest and accountable to them self.
The more I learn the more aware I am of how ignorant I was in early years.
The big question is have I learned to heal and nurture my emotional pains in a quick and healthy manner.
Am I able to laugh at things that at one time I use to make me react in an angry way at situations people and life.
Today I am able to say to people how much they mean to me, I am able to say to people how much I respect them and value them, I am able to say to people how much I love them.
One thing was important to learn in my spiritual recovery respect, and to understand that fear and respect are not the same thing, this confusion of not understanding the difference between fear and respect came from my child hood days
In my gambling days I would earn good money and give it away to complete strangers, yet it was not money I was giving away it was my holidays it was the quality of life I felt I did not deserve.
Speeding and tail gating were indicators I did not care about myself or respect myself.
Speeding and tail gating were indicators that I was intolerant of other people and more so I was intolerant and impatient with myself.
Unconditional giving of myself was an important thing to learn for me, by giving of myself unconditionally I have no expectations of other people what so ever.
By giving of myself unconditionally is very healthy and very spiritually, and one thing I learned is that healthy spiritual people do not adversely affect other people no matter what reason they have in their life.
My frustrations were often due to my unreasonable expectations of other people, having such expectations nearly always finished up with me feelings disappointed and resentful.
In the old days there was an expression that resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die, my resentments indicated that I was not able to or not willing to forgive and heal my pains and get on with my life.
It took me time to understand what emotions and feeling I had before I escaped gambling, and the feeling I had during my escaping methods, and feeling after being unhealthy in my addictions and obsessions.
I understand today more about what is healthy or unhealthy, yet sometimes it can be difficult to do the healthy things.
Before recovery I did not have a choice, I feared being honest because I associated honesty as being painful, today I understand that healthy relationships are based up on honesty, that healthy moments have been due to me exposing myself and being the healthiest person I could be at that moment in time.
How difficult is step one, what part did I not understand, surrender acceptance or fully understand every aspect of how much of my life was being unmanageable emotionally.
I accept the fact that every time I gambled I never resolved any emotional issues, every time I gambled I tried to escape living life, in living in fear, that my fear drove me to gamble and my fears kept me gambling.
I now understand when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was completely beaten down and was so low emotionally I did not know which way to turn to get back to being spiritually healthy once more.
I understand today that I could not find spiritual recovery on my own.
I understand today that I could not find spiritual healing by remaining on my own and being isolated, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for being married to Shirley my wife, I would not be the person I am today if it were not for the spiritual recovery program and people demonstrating healthy to me that spiritual recovery truly works if you do the work.
Step one was about three things surrender acceptance and understanding why life was unmanageable for me emotionally.
Just because I was abstaining from my addictions did not mean those emotional rollercoaster rides were over.
Yet in recovery I would question everything about myself and everything about recovery.
I wanted to understand myself and understand how I use to tick and react in unhealthy ways towards the world.
I have given up person pleasing and telling people what they want to hear, for me that is not healthy, doing those kind of things is not healthy for me today.
Are my healthy actions and healthy words unconditional today, do I have any expectations of other people and life today,
I did not understand that by living in resentments I was living in the pains of my past, that by doing things out of reluctance resentfully and out of duty and out of penance I was cheating myself.
In time I would apologize for my unhealthy actions because I wanted to repair relationships with other people and with myself.
In recovery I would exchange unhealthy habits for a healthy habit, and over time changing habits became so much easier.
Our spiritual actions and our spiritual values and our unconditional actions are spiritually character building such as unconditional loving and forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness content stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Step one the most important step of them all.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I understand today that my anger is a reaction to pains I am unable to heal, my anger is a reaction to fears I am unable to face, my anger is a reaction to my frustrations due to my expectations of life and people.
If I understand the serenity prayer it helps me understand I cannot change another person.
Yet if a person or persons intentionally or intentionally hurts me it is my place to explain to those people that their actions words adversely affect me and if they continue in such an unhealthy way I walk away.
Now I understand most people were very much unsettled by my boundaries yet in time even they could not respect them self they would respect my wishes.
Serenity prayer is not about staying a victim, courage to change the things I can.
Courage to no longer put up with unhealthy people actions or words.
Sadly some people will find they have to move away from families because they adversely affect them.
I understand today that no one or anything was going to stop me gambling unless I wanted to stop myself.
Why did it take me so long to understand what spiritual recovery was all about.
Why did I react in such an unhealthy when certain people mentioned religion, why did I react in such an unhealthy when certain people mentioned being honest and accountable.
People told me that honesty was the best policy but what did that mean.
I would justify deviating or escaping, I use to blame other people and life for how I felt, I use to feel I could not accept a compliment or an act of kindness.
People talked about love respect and being lovable, yet how could I fear and not even know I feared emotional intimacy.
The emotional rollercoaster use to be very scary, I never use to know how I was going to feel from one minute to the next minute.
I had for sure lost all faith and hope in myself out side of my job, I was always trying to prove myself even at work wanting approval and I could give myself any kind of credit what so ever.
I now understand that there was no way I could find growth maturity and improved myself without the help of the rooms ad people demonstrating to me how to take each simply by baby steps and growing slowly.
When I walked in to recovery I was not stupid dumb evil or bad, I was just a very unhealthy deviating life and people by escaping in different ways.
No one forces you to do things you are not ready to do, the rooms of recovery are supposed to me nurturing and encouraging places to grow and mature at a nice steady pace which suits us.
I was very rebellious and would do the opposite that was out to me, I doubted every one and even myself.
My 44 years in recovery was a good investment for me, I have some wonderful people, some people have not found healthy recovery and have died at far to an early time in their life.
Sadly it is very rare that new people attending rooms would stop and abstain from day one, every time I break out gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from going backwards in my recovery.
It was important to understand my emotions and feelings before gambling, during gambling, and after gambling, even understanding what pain I caused myself did not stop me gambling.
It is so easy to lose sight the value of money and what it represents, every time I broke our gambling I got o understand what exactly was my hourly net.
So simply once you lose a certain amount to work out how many days hours weeks and months I had to work to cover that money, it was very unsettling working out money to how long it took me to earn that money in my time.
I do get much pleasure from being productive by my actions and words, fulfilling my wants and needs and understanding the difference.
I do understand that talk is cheap, if my words do not match my actions I am most certainly cheating myself.
Before spiritual recovery I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, by the way spiritual values and actions has nothing to do about religion, every religion known is suppose to be spiritual guidance towards people having healthy relationships with them self and each other.
My steel is being tested more and more as I get healthier, things that use to cause me to go in to panic mode I am able to cope with in a healthier way.
When I walked in to recovery I could not admit to myself that I was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that my rage and anger was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that living in resentments was unhealthy, that even being angry was unhealthy.
My anger and resentments started from a very early age that I am very sure of today.
In this last week I have seen and heard some very powerful things from my wife Shirley, her speaking her mind openly and completely honestly helps me understand she no longer fears me.
I would like to think that in time my wife Shirley will be fearless in every way.
Shirley my wife is far stronger that I am, she is far more willing to learn than I am.
I am a survivor today, no matter what happens in my life I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself.
Life being unmanageable had nothing to do about the gambling establishments or money, life being unmanageable was due to the fact I could not cope with my feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
Today I do not want or need to gamble I know that today for sure.
Who did I fear most of all walking in to the spiritual recovery program, I feared facing myself.
So a decade of being the victim and feeling vulnerable emotionally, then by 2 to 3 decades of in and out of recovery not taking recovery seriously I eventually learned what step one was all about.
From victim to perpetrator how do you find out what healthy is all about, surely I wanted to become a rescuer once in the rooms of recovery, to help other people before I helped myself.
Control and order where is the line, highly productive and obsessive where is the line, controlling other people and nurturing people where is the line.
Some people become obsessed with the recovery program, if people react in an unhealthy way people questioning the recovery program that indicates how insecure I am within myself.
I am for sure more secure in myself today, if people question me I do not feel threatened or vulnerable, after all the recovery program is only a manual to healthy living, it is not a religious belief to me.
Recovery is about healing, and if you are not willing to admit to yourself you are sick, how can you get better. It is as simple as that.
I use to think that the recovery program was going to control me, sadly the recovery program was going to help me help myself on a slow change to a healthier way of life.
How can you justify walking in to a gambling establishment and freely giving away your house your car cloths holidays and think you are having fun.
That conscious decision that I wanted to change and improve how I felt about myself, to not do it for my wife mother son and or anyone else but to do it for myself.
By writing things down I was learning to be accountable to myself, that was one of the mature things I did, yet there was a fear I could not express or articulate without feeling silly or stupid.
Today writing down my wants needs and goals is important to me, as I fulfill each one cross them out, that crossing things out is confidence building.
My goals are long term, my life story has taken a long time to put to paper and need a lot of work doing on it.
How many times I write indicates how much I value myself, there is nothing I say or do that will change another person, that is their choice, may be a person can relate to me as I was or as I could be yet that again is their conscious decision for change for the healthier.
Just for Today I will be motivated in a healthy way.
Just for Today I will be selfish about my recovery and becoming the healthiest person I can be proud of.
I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would never have leaned how unhealthy I was and how much I was missing from my life.
I use to blame other people and the world for how I use to feel.
I use to feel responsible for how other people felt.
I use to stress myself out and worry so much I could not stay focused on things today.
What is spiritual recovery, well healthy spiritual interactions is what spiritual recovery is all about.
If you are being resentful you are not healing your pains in a healthy way, if you are being vengeful you are trying to transfer your pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
I was so torn apart because I was not focused on just for today only.
I use to question if I was stupid dumb evil wrong yet at that time I did not understand in those days I did not have a choice, like the beaten dog had no choice but to shake in fear, I did not have a choice but to escape some where I did not have to face how I felt or deal with my feelings.
No one forced me in to unhealthy living it happened gradually over many decades, it started by risk taking and being resentful yet not being able to speak up for myself directly or indirectly.
In those days people justified causing other people pain and humiliation, I did so myself, it was in the rooms of spiritual recovery I would become accountable to myself.
One thing was important to learn in my spiritual recovery respect, and to understand that fear and respect are not the same thing, this confusion of not understanding the difference between fear and respect came from my child hood days
My frustrations were often due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, having such expectations nearly always finished up with me feelings disappointed and resentful.
In the old days there was an expression that resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die, my resentments indicated that I was not able to or not willing to forgive and heal my pains and get on with my life.
In recovery I would exchange unhealthy habits for a healthy habit, and over time changing habits became so much easier.
Our spiritual growth actions and our spiritual values and our unconditional actions are spiritually character building such as unconditional loving and forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness content stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Step one the most important step of them all.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
Last night I attended my first meeting back in Calgary and it was great to see and share with them my experiences and let them know how much I have been tested during these last few months and during that time I did not once did I want or need to gamble.
Anger and resentments were a way of life for me before recovery, I could not admit to myself or the rooms that inside I was all bitter and twisted with the pains of my past.
Feelings of anger and resentments were a very good indicator that I was not able to heal my pains and was not able to forgive people who had intentionally or adversely affected me in some way.
My anger and resentments started very much from my child hood as I tried to take my own life as a teenager I could resolve or ehal my own pains and I was going to bury and suppress painful things in my life for a very long time.
As you peel back the onion that little hurt child in me starts to come out and play and he does so the pains of the past come to surface once I was able to deal with them.
I have on many occasions cried over my computer key board and wondered how long it would take me to find peace with in myself.
In time I was able to learn to articulate my feelings in a healthy way, in such a way that I do not transfer my pains fear or frustrations on to other people.
In dealing with life I will have occasions when I need to write a letter or make a telephone call to people to express my dissatisfaction about not being correct missing not working properly.
In dealing and talking with customer service agents it is not the person fault that things are not correct so why transfer my pains fear or frustrations on to them, when I explain events I will explain how this affects me and makes me feel very frustrated, that is not their fault.
Last night I learned that a fairly recent GA meeting had closed I was very disappointed yet felt that now I need to do something about reinstating that meeting place.
Sponsorship is a very important part of peoples recovery, it is an opportunity for people to come out of their fears and talk about deep seated issues they have never talked about before, it is a very slow process and it is very much the birth of a very close relations and friendships.
It is important to understand why we gambled what our emotional triggers are and why, for me my pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom were very much my emotional triggers.
I walked in to the spiritual rooms of recovery and thought you guys fix me, it does not work that way we learn over time how we can help our self live a much healthier life without addictions and obsessions.
To be able to no longer want to escape of fear facing our self to be able to talk about any subject or any part of my life and not feel unsettled in any kind of way.
The spiritual rooms of recovery were going to help me heals the pains of my past, the spiritual rooms of recovery were going to help me not to fear being honest, the spiritual rooms of recovery were going to help me to become fearless over time and to eb completely honest.
Our kind of honesty can unsettle people around us for sure.
I understand today that my anger is a reaction to pains I am unable to heal, my anger is a reaction to fears I am unable to face, my anger is a reaction to my frustrations due to my expectations of life and people.
Nothing I do or say will change another person unless they want to change. That is their choice not mine.
Serenity prayer is not about staying a victim, courage to change the things I can.
I understand today that no one or anything was going to stop me gambling unless I wanted to stop myself.
Why did it take me so long to understand what spiritual recovery was all about. Why did it take me so long to understand step one was missing something.
Why did I react in such an unhealthy when certain people mentioned religion, why did I react in such an unhealthy when certain people mentioned being honest and accountable.
People told me that honesty was the best policy but what did that mean. I now understand that healthy relationships are based up on our honesty.
I would justify deviating or escaping, I use to blame other people and life for how I felt, I use to feel I could not accept a compliment or an act of kindness.
People talked about love respect and being lovable, yet how could I fear and not even know I feared emotional intimacy.
The emotional rollercoaster use to be very scary, I never use to know how I was going to feel from one minute to the next minute.
I had for sure lost all faith and hope in myself out side of my job, I was always trying to prove myself even at work wanting approval and I could give myself any kind of credit what so ever.
I now understand that there was no way I could find growth maturity and improved myself without the help of the rooms ad people demonstrating to me how to take each simply by baby steps and growing slowly.
When I walked in to recovery I was not stupid dumb evil or bad, I was just a very unhealthy deviating life and people by escaping in different ways.
No one forces you to do things you are not ready to do, the rooms of recovery are supposed to me nurturing and encouraging places to grow and mature at a nice steady pace which suits us.
My 44 years in recovery was a good investment for me, I have some wonderful people, some people have not found healthy recovery and have died at far to an early time in their life.
Sadly it is very rare that new people attending rooms would stop and abstain from day one, every time I break out gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from going backwards in my recovery.
It was important to understand my emotions and feelings before gambling, during gambling, and after gambling, even understanding what pain I caused myself did not stop me gambling.
It is so easy to lose sight the value of money and what it represents, every time I broke our gambling I got o understand what exactly what was my hourly net.
So simply once you lose a certain amount to work out how many days hours weeks and months I had to work to cover that money before I got any benefit of my efforts and work, it was very unsettling working out money to how long it took me to earn that money in my time.
I do get much pleasure from being productive by my actions and words, fulfilling my wants and needs and understanding the difference.
I do understand that talk is cheap, if my words do not match my actions I am most certainly cheating myself and living a facade.
Before spiritual recovery I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, by the way spiritual values and actions has nothing to do about religion, every religion known is suppose to be spiritual guidance towards people having healthy relationships with them self and each other.
My steel is being tested more and more as I get healthier, things that use to cause me to go in to panic mode I am able to cope with in a healthier way.
When I walked in to recovery I could not admit to myself that I was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that my rage and anger was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that living in resentments was unhealthy, that even being angry was unhealthy.
My anger and resentments started from a very early age that I am very sure of today.
In this last week I have seen and heard some very powerful things from my wife Shirley, her speaking her mind openly and completely honestly helps me understand she no longer fears me.
I would like to think that in time my wife Shirley will be fearless in every way.
Shirley my wife is far stronger that I am, she is far more willing to learn than I am.
I am a survivor today, no matter what happens in my life I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself.
Life being unmanageable had nothing to do about the gambling establishments or money, life being unmanageable was due to the fact I could not cope with my feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
From victim to perpetrator how do you find out what healthy is all about, surely I wanted to become a rescuer once in the rooms of recovery, to help other people before I helped myself.
Control and order where is the line, highly productive and obsessive where is the line, controlling other people and nurturing people where is the line.
I use to think that the recovery program was going to control me, sadly the recovery program was going to help me help myself on a slow change to a healthier way of life.
How can you justify walking in to a gambling establishment and freely giving away your house your car cloths holidays and think you are having fun.
Writing things down I was learning to be accountable to myself, that was one of the mature things I did, yet there was a fear I could not express or articulate without feeling silly or stupid.
Today writing down my wants needs and goals is important to me, as I fulfill each one cross them out, that crossing things out is confidence building.
My goals are very much long term, my life story has taken a long time to put to paper and need a lot of work doing on it.
How many times I write indicates how much I value myself, there is nothing I say or do that will change another person, that is their choice, may be a person can relate to me as I was or as I could be yet that again is their conscious decision for change for the healthier.
Just for Today I will be motivated in a healthy way.
Just for Today I will be selfish about my recovery and becoming the healthiest person I can be proud of.
I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would never have leaned how unhealthy I was and how much I was missing from my life.
I use to stress myself out and worry so much I could not stay focused on things today.
What is spiritual recovery, well healthy spiritual interactions is what spiritual recovery is all about.
If you are being resentful you are not healing your pains in a healthy way, if you are being vengeful you are trying to transfer your pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
I use to question if I was stupid dumb evil wrong yet at that time I did not understand in those days I did not have a choice, like the beaten dog had no choice but to shake in fear, I did not have a choice but to escape some where I did not have to face how I felt or deal with my feelings.
No one forced me in to unhealthy living and spiritual decline it happened very gradually over many decades, it started by risk taking and being resentful yet not being able to speak up for myself directly or indirectly from a healthy place.
In those days people justified causing other people pain and humiliation, I did so myself, it was in the rooms of spiritual recovery I would become accountable to myself.
One thing was important to learn that fear and respect are not the same thing, this confusion of not understanding the difference between fear and respect came from my child hood days
My frustrations were often due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, having such expectations nearly always finished up with me feelings disappointed and resentful.
In the old days there was an expression that resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die, my resentments indicated that I was not able to or not willing to forgive and heal my pains and get on with my life.
In recovery I would exchange unhealthy habits for a healthy habit, and over time changing habits became so much easier.
Our spiritual growth actions and our spiritual values and our unconditional actions are spiritually character building such as unconditional loving and forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness content stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Step one the most important step of them all.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
As I walked in to the GA meeting in Calgary I felt like I was back with my second family, a place where honesty is welcomed and people are over time willing to relate to each other experiences.
I did not have a hope in hells chance of becoming healthy on my own, I was ignorant as to how unhealthy I was, escaping responsibility was fear based and I could not help doing it time and time again.
Every time I told lies the fears grew in me, every time I gambled I just made thing and my life much worse than ever before.
Each time I went to gambling I was saying to myself I was giving up all faith and hope in myself, each time I went to gambling I was thinking that money would resolve my emotional issues.
Money does not change how I feel today, yes it is important to have sufficient money to cover our living costs and needs, in the recovery I was going to learn to do spread sheets so I was completely aware at any time how much was needed to keep our home running safely.
I use to fear computers and then once I abstained from my addictions there was a tendency to use computersand television to escape with in myself.
Now with the things I do I need to understand that by spending to much time doing something am I escaping facing my life and responsibilities.
For me there is no such thing as failure by going t the rooms of spiritual recovery, every experience I go through is a learning curve.
In my childhood there loads of adults that use to transfer their pains fear and frustrations on to me in many ways, physically and emotionally, people who say that any healthy experience of growing is a waste of time is stuck and stunted in their own lack of growth.
An addiction or obsession is a decline in our productivity and our relationships with other people and with our self.
Yesterday I was talking to someone about life and how people resnt doing their work job, sadly often work is a third of our life and w hy should we resent doing it, how does that adversely affect me over time.
There was a time I wished my life away, now I value life and relationships, money only gives me more choices money never resolved an emotional issue for me.
The experts tell us it is healthy to be angry, now I understand that by being angry I cause stress up on myself and adversely affect my relationships with other people.
I now understand that if you talk to people like a child they will in fact act like a child, so who is to say in what way do we talk to people, are we tolerant and patient with them, that can only happen if we are tolerant and patient with ourself.
As I look back on my life I now understand how unhealthy I was the day I got married, I took a lot of emotional baggage in to our marriage, sadly over time Shirley talked about her past experiences before marriage and now I understand that she also went through trauma in her life that only came up in recent years.
I am still dealing with paperwork and pictures I brought back from the UK from my mothers place, letters that I never knew existed.
For a person that could not organize a party in a brewery today I am able to get things in order, and in some ways my life is more organized than ever before in my life.
People have commented on the fact they feel I am very much at peace with myself, and that my honesty helps other people come out of them self.
The old saying that pride stopped my recovery really confused me in many ways, saying that false ego stopped my recovery again what is that, I now understand that I had no pride in myself what so ever when walking in to recovery.
So confidence pride and respect come about due to my healthy actions and healthy words, a decline in our self is due to teh fact we go against spiritual values and go against our own conscience which causes us to feel pain time and time again.
Anger and resentments were a huge way of life for me before recovery, I could not admit to myself or the rooms that inside I was all bitter bent and twisted up with the pains of my past.
Feelings of anger and resentments were a very good indicator that I was not able to heal my pains and was not able to forgive people who had intentionally or adversely affected me in some way.
My anger and resentments started very much from my child hood as I tried to take my own life as a teenager I could resolve or heal my own pains and I was going to bury and suppress painful things in my life for a very long time.
As you peel back the onion that little hurt child in me starts to come out and play and he does so the pains of the past come to surface once I was able to deal with them.
In time I was able to learn to articulate my feelings in a healthy way, in such a way that I do not transfer my pains fear or frustrations on to other people.
Sponsorship is a very important part of peoples recovery, it is an opportunity for people to come out of their fears and talk about deep seated issues they have never talked about before, it is a very slow process and it is very much the birth of a very close relations and friendships.
It is important to understand why we gambled what our emotional triggers are and why, for me my pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom were very much my emotional triggers.
I understand today that no one or anything was going to stop me gambling unless I wanted to stop myself.
Why did it take me so long to understand what spiritual recovery was all about. Why did it take me so long to understand step one was missing something.
People told me that honesty was the best policy but what did that mean. I now understand that healthy relationships are based up on our honesty.
I would justify deviating or escaping, I use to blame other people and life for how I felt, I use to feel I could not accept a compliment or an act of kindness.
It was important to understand my emotions and feelings before gambling, during gambling, and after gambling, even understanding what pain I caused myself did not stop me gambling.
It is so easy to lose sight the value of money and what it represents, every time I broke our gambling I got o understand what exactly what was my hourly net.
So simply once you lose a certain amount to work out how many days hours weeks and months I had to work to cover that money before I got any benefit of my efforts and work, it was very unsettling working out money to how long it took me to earn that money in my time.
I do get much pleasure from being productive by my actions and words, fulfilling my wants and needs and understanding the difference.
I do understand that talk is cheap, if my words do not match my actions I am most certainly cheating myself and living a facade.
Before spiritual recovery I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was, by the way spiritual values and actions has nothing to do about religion, every religion known is suppose to be spiritual guidance towards people having healthy relationships with them self and each other.
My steel is being tested more and more as I get healthier, things that use to cause me to go in to panic mode I am able to cope with in a healthier way.
When I walked in to recovery I could not admit to myself that I was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that my rage and anger was unhealthy, I could not admit to myself that living in resentments was unhealthy, that even being angry was unhealthy.
My anger and resentments started from a very early age that I am very sure of today.
In this last week I have seen and heard some very powerful things from my wife Shirley, her speaking her mind openly and completely honestly helps me understand she no longer fears me.
I would like to think that in time my wife Shirley will be fearless in every way.
Shirley my wife is far stronger that I am, she is far more willing to learn than I am.
I am a survivor today, no matter what happens in my life I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself.
Life being unmanageable had nothing to do about the gambling establishments or money, life being unmanageable was due to the fact I could not cope with my feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
From victim to perpetrator how do you find out what healthy is all about, surely I wanted to become a rescuer once in the rooms of recovery, to help other people before I helped myself.
Control and order where is the line, highly productive and obsessive where is the line, controlling other people and nurturing people where is the line.
I use to think that the recovery program was going to control me, sadly the recovery program was going to help me help myself on a slow change to a healthier way of life.
How can you justify walking in to a gambling establishment and freely giving away your house your car cloths holidays and think you are having fun.
Writing things down I was learning to be accountable to myself, that was one of the mature things I did, yet there was a fear I could not express or articulate without feeling silly or stupid.
Today writing down my wants needs and goals is important to me, as I fulfill each one cross them out, that crossing things out is confidence building.
My goals are very much long term, my life story has taken a long time to put to paper and need a lot of work doing on it.
How many times I write indicates how much I value myself, there is nothing I say or do that will change another person, that is their choice, may be a person can relate to me as I was or as I could be yet that again is their conscious decision for change for the healthier.
Just for Today I will be motivated in a healthy way.
Just for Today I will be selfish about my recovery and becoming the healthiest person I can be proud of.
I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would never have leaned how unhealthy I was and how much I was missing from my life.
I use to stress myself out and worry so much I could not stay focused on things today.
What is spiritual recovery, well healthy spiritual interactions is what spiritual recovery is all about.
If you are being resentful you are not healing your pains in a healthy way, if you are being vengeful you are trying to transfer your pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
I use to question if I was stupid dumb evil wrong yet at that time I did not understand in those days I did not have a choice, like the beaten dog had no choice but to shake in fear, I did not have a choice but to escape some where I did not have to face how I felt or deal with my feelings.
No one forced me in to unhealthy living and spiritual decline it happened very gradually over many decades, it started by risk taking and being resentful yet not being able to speak up for myself directly or indirectly from a healthy place.
In those days people justified causing other people pain and humiliation, I did so myself, it was in the rooms of spiritual recovery I would become accountable to myself.
One thing was important to learn that fear and respect are not the same thing, this confusion of not understanding the difference between fear and respect came from my child hood days
My frustrations were often due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, having such expectations nearly always finished up with me feelings disappointed and resentful.
In the old days there was an expression that resentments are like taking poison and expecting the other person to die, my resentments indicated that I was not able to or not willing to forgive and heal my pains and get on with my life.
In recovery I would exchange unhealthy habits for a healthy habit, and over time changing habits became so much easier.
Our spiritual growth actions and our spiritual values and our unconditional actions are spiritually character building such as unconditional loving and forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness content stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
Step one the most important step of them all.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed,
Today my fears willingly faced simply one at a time.
Today my frustrations are resolved by understanding frustrations were causing me great pains due to my unreasonable expectations of people, and life, and now accepting the understanding that reducing my unhealthy expectations of other people and life today makes life far less painful and I am more at peace with myself.
For me fulfilling my wants needs and goals is an important part of my recovery.
This week I will be attending at least four meetings at different locations.
I have less to say and more to do, there was a time I did things reluctantly and resentfully sadly I was hurting myself.
Often in recovery I have heard people say that fear will stop me gambling.
Sadly for me I understand that any fear would not stop me doing unhealthy action.
I found that I needed to be emotionally disconnected from all aspects of my addictions and obsessions.
To not hate gambling to not fear gambling just to be at peace with people that willing took my hard earned money time and time again.
Today I understand that I have a second family, I am not alone, I have the choice and ability to communicate and interact with people with same goals and ambitions.
There was a reference recently about trying to juggle too many balls in the air at the same time, that was o much me in so many ways.
There were people who have come a long way in their recovery.
Having a healthy second family there is a far healthier interaction with people understanding both of views and varying belief systems.
I was born proud of my work today, I made a load support with is very unusual.
One thing I have off doing is flat planer tungsten bade sharpening, I have never sharpened one before yet I know I can do it.
There was a time when self doubt and lack of faith and hope in myself was an everyday unhealthy way to not live.
I am some times after over 43 years in and out of recovery does recovery work for me and do I still need it.
I think that the spiritual recovery is an ongoing spiritual growth thing that at one time I use to react in an unhealthy way to people and situations in my life.
Today being a much spiritual person I tended to interact rather than react from my pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.
It was mentioned last night that I seem to be a place of calmness and peace, yet I would say that they were just words to me at the beginning of recovery and healing.
There is no doubt in my mind that ignorance was very apparent in my life because I did not understand how unhealthy I was.
I use to react like a beaten dog continuously living and reacting in fear and did not even know it.
IN the old days I did not have a choice but to be unhealthy, you can argue was it the emotional use that most adversely affected from me from an early age or could have been the physical abuse or even any kind of abuse.
Sadly it was just not physical abuse because when people abused me they often transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me time and time again, till you reach the point when you think there must be something wrong with me.
I am part of a very healthy program; people are most honest than they ever were before recovery, people once they value them self then care about other people.
Even with Shirley is away from me for long periods of time I am not alone.
I could have not got to be the person I am today without the spiritual recovery program, could have not got to be the person I am today without the help of Shirley y family and friends, and most certainly could not e the person I am today without doing baby steps each day and learning new skills in dealing with people and life in a healthier way.
I was very erratic and unreliable in those days before spiritual recovery, and my only focus then was if I was to stop gambling I would be fine.
It did not happen that way.
I then thought once I paid off my debts I would be happy and at peace with myself.
It did not happen that way.
I thought that recovery program would fix me all I did was read the books.
It did not happen that way.
Does time off mean that a person is an expert, does time off mean that a person is at peace with himself and with those people around him.
Once I could relate to other people by their honest in depth sharing I could see myself as I was before spiritual recovery I could see and feel all those unresolved pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.
I could relate to other people by their honesty and their sincerity loyalty and commitment not only to them self but also their renewed loyalty and commitment to their family not by money by sharing themselves their time and being more intimate with their family.
Once we open up and have healthy interactions with our family we also see how much time we lost while in action and that time and contact cannot be recovered it is time lost.
In action money and gambling were my main focus, I use to every excuse to avoid family and family events because I did not feel connected with them.
The honesty of my therapies started in the spiritual rooms of recovery first of all and then I opened my eyes to the fact that being honesty was not painful anymore and the truth was being honest made me relationship with other people much healthier.
That moment when you shake hands with healthy people, that moment when people open up and become free of their past and people have learned to forgive them self and even able to laugh at them self is very powerful.
There will always be people who are not able to get beyond war stories and for them it is very sad indeed.
My father was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler and he was like me did not have a choice in his life.
He was not able to say that he loved me or to give me any kind of compliment it was not in him to open up and to be himself, ne never found any answers in the bottom of those drink of beer.
I now know that he loved me yet was not able to say it, I am disappointed that I was not able to say to him that I loved him unconditionally, I wanted to yet I now understand that he would not be able to cope with a person loving him unconditionally.
Yesterday I was asked do I live in any regrets that was a very powerful question, I would like to think that I do not want to live in regret having not given every effort in to my love with Shirley my wife.
In reference to me not being healthy in the old days I really did not have a choice, then once in recovery I so much wanted to blame the world for how I felt, then I woke to the serenity and understanding of what things I can control.
I am riddled with guilt shame embarrassment today, no not really one thing you learn in recovery you are not able to change the past or get your money lost and once one accepts that simple fact the quicker we can get on with today and focusing on our future.
The funny thing is that people were able to forgive me long before I was able to forgive myself. And that people had more faith and hope in me than I had in myself.
Were all people able to forgive me completely that I do not know for sure, if they have lack of trust fear resentments vengeance towards me that is their choice, if they do not think or feel that I have become healthier that is their choice not mine.
Shirley my wife when she is completely honest with me at every level I know that she is not living in fear of me.
Can I say I will never gamble again, sorry just because I have twenty years off gambling does not mean I will not gamble tomorrow, all I do is take baby steps just for today I will not gamble is simple and is achievable?
I will not gamble today is a healthy boundary that says I care too much about myself to put myself through all that pain again.
Gambling is the very last thing I want to do today.
How do we learn to value money, well for me it took time to take a number which was a large bet before recovery, and then work out my net hourly rate how long it took me to work to get that money?
I then divided that hourly rate in to one of my last large bets and it works out the week’s hours and minutes how long it took me to earn that money.
One person once said at a meeting he had just spent a month’s wages money in one day, he then said something very powerful, he said I could have stayed at home all that month had a holiday got things done and would have been where he was that day without any money but would not be in pain angry afraid and frustrated.
I calculated conservatively how much money I lost and it was a house cars holidays nice cloths nice furniture and I basically said I did not deserve those nice things and gave them away while I am my family went without.
My family did nothing to deserve those unhealthy things I said and done to them, I betrayed and let them down deeply.
Shirley & I were talking about if we could go back in time knowing what we know now and how we would get on with this new found wisdom, we both laughed.
Sadly we could talk to people yet we doubt they would understand what we were talking about, the same way if I was able to talk to myself back over 43 years ago day one on walking in to recovery.
Spiritual values are decline and sadly no one is doing a thing about it, today focus is about finances business money power control and self image.
I felt a complete failure on walking in to the spiritual recovery program, I felt I was without faith or hope in myself, I felt I was a victim of the gambling addiction.
Being consumed by unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions yet could not see the decline and failure in listening and even my listening to my own conscience.
There is no doubt in my mind before recovery program I was in emotional trauma and could not identify what was my feelings and emotions were or understand I kept escaping how I felt or understood what I was feeling.
I can say that before the spiritual recovery program I did not have a clue that in my unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions I was in serious decline.
The longer I was going to continue bury and suppress my pains I was like a pressure chamber getting more likely to explode and was being more and more over sensitive and get anger at people and life and sometimes at very simple things.
The questions people often ask how do you heal pain, how do you recovery from being so intolerant and impatient with the world and people around me.
What is our concept as to what is evil; if there was only one single person on this planet would it be an evil planet.
For me there is no devil, for me people are either healthy or unhealthy, people who are healthy do not say or do evil things towards each.
For me before recovery I use to get angry so quickly and because I could not heal my pains face my fears or understand my frustrations I would be aggressive and confrontational towards people.
Transferring my pains fear and frustration on them, sometimes I use to think that by being vengeful I wanted justice which is my justification to doing some or saying unhealthy towards a person which was unhealthy, often causing them pain.
For me being angry is not healthy, when I am being angry I am not healing my pains, when I am being angry I am not facing my fears, when I am being angry I am causing myself pain due to my unreasonable expectations of people or life.
Before recovery my motivations for doing things were for unhealthy reasons, reluctance resentfully, doing things of guilt, doing things of penance, doing things of duty, doing things at the last minute which caused me unnecessary stress.
For me anxiety nervousness depression procrastination stress worrying is all fear based issues.
I use to think that people were responsible for how I use to feel, well that is not so for me today, my unhealthy reaction is my responsibility.
As a child my parent’s aggression and confrontation had an adverse effect on my well being, I even in some ways felt responsible for their pains fear and frustrations.
So during my childhood years I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered abuse, I now understand that my emotional wants and needs were not supplied in my vulnerable years.
Yes now understand that I was a victim of things done to me but also a victim because of my missing emotional wants and needs, I needed to feel cared for, loved nurtured and protected, that did not happen for me.
My parents were unable to show intimate affection, they not even able to protect them self or care love them self and or each.
The subjects came up recently suspicion instincts and awareness and our fears, well awareness as we heal becomes greater, before we had lost faith in our instincts and often allow unhealthy people to take advantage of us in different ways in the earlier part of our life.
People were kind to us to gain our trust and then take advantage of us, yet why did people keep doing it to us and not to people.
Well for me they sensed our vulnerability and told us things that we wanted to hear and once we were sucked in then tried to control us in to doing things that were not healthy.
The spiritual program asks us to avoid people in addictions who are not in a spiritual recovery program, not because of their addiction but because they will have an adverse effect on our recovery.
The spiritual program asks us to help our self take progressive baby steps from day one; it asks to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
I use to think and feel that the spiritual program was going to limit me and it would control my life.
Silly I the spiritual recovery program was going to help me have more healthy choices in my life.
This web site gives up the opportunity to talk openly and question everything about recovery and spiritual recovery, sadly some of the old times and that was me feel threatened when our belief system is questioned, yet we are suppose to understand the reason and logic of everything we are asked to do and asked not to do.
The recovery program says do not do this or do not do that, I think that wording that says it is in your best interests to not have access to money or credit because we are not able to trust our self for some time.
Money is just the fuel for our addictions, yet just because we abstain from our addictions does not mean we have found peace and serenity in our self.
It is in your best interests to not sit idle once you abstain, but to fill the times and voids in your life with healthy hobbies and healthy interests.
Yes complimenting your self is important, giving yourself approval and validating your self is very important, the reward of your new healthy consequences of your healthy actions is pride in oneself.
Can a non religious person agnostic or atheist gain true spiritual recovery, yes they certainly can do, yet recovery is just a manual to making a good life for yourself.
Once in recovery your steel will often be tested time and time again, you will find that before recovery you would go ape s**t mad and the same testing things now will make you laugh.
There is no limit to becoming spiritually healthy, being more caring and loving was hard for some time, yet gratitude and appreciation means your values have changed.
Today I know I am a survivor and it has nothing to do about addictions or obsessions, today I am willing to try anything to improve myself and the quality of my life.
For me most of my fears stemmed from my child hood along with self doubt and lack of confidence, it is important to understand how important it was for parents to build up a Childs confidence and self esteem.
How can anyone build confidence and self esteem in oneself by doing more and more healthy actions? It is also built by a person fulfilling their own wants and needs from the very simple to even coming out of oneself.
In working with people or sponsor it is about building ones confidence once more and also character building so we are able to cope with life challenges.
Someone told me I was an accident looking for some where to happen, I assumed they were talking about my driving, but now understand that were talking about my destiny in my unhealthy life.
Every time a person breaks out gambling is a lesson if the person is willing to learn from their last bet, often people will focus on money and the gambling, it is important to understand how you felt vulnerable emotionally what emotions drove you to gambling.
It takes time to peel back the onion and expose and recover that little hurt child, and once that happens, that little child will cry laugh and also want to play.
Our answer to twenty questions change as we become more honest with our self, that growth in honesty indicates indicate less fear and more trusting of the people in the rooms and the open therapies.
The responsibility of every recovery program person is to make the new member as comfortable as we can, that means we do not focus our eyes or therapies at that person, we should not push people to talk until they are ready for it.
By focusing on new people can have an adverse effect on new people who are emotionally traumatized and filled with fear, people need to understand that attending meetings they do not have to do or say anything what so ever just relax and listen.
The only criteria for attending spiritual rooms of recovery are a desire to get healthy.
Every one opens up at their own rate, every faces their fears up at their own rate, every one heals and nurtures their emotional pains at their own rate.
Can I laugh at myself today, can I be fearless today, and are my actions and words healthy towards myself and other people today.
My family being completely unconditionally honest with me today demonstrates they do not fear me.
Why would any person allow an addiction to take over their life, why would a person go in to such an unhealthy spiritual decline and finish up being their own worst enemy?
People often refer to gambling as giving them a buzz, that some addicts think that adrenaline rush is happiness and excitement, well for me risk taking starting from a very early age.
Sadly my emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled and I internalized a lot of that, hence as an adult I felt responsible for how people felt.
My emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled not because they would not nurture and heal me it was the fact they were ignorant as to how to be healthy parents they were not able to resolve their own emotional wants and needs.
Today I understand that when I walked in to recovery I was not dumb or stupid I was how ever very ignorant, and as I grew to understand myself I would make that conscious that I wanted to change from being ignorant and spiritually unhealthy to becoming more aware and spiritually healthy.
Why the reluctance to write down and be accountable to myself emotionally, why lie to the twenty questions, after all I only needed to be honest with myself, not to anyone else.
So can I say today that when I walked in to the spiritual recovery program that for me has nothing what so ever to do about religion, was I emotionally traumatized, was I over sensitive and got angry at everything and everyone.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I would say that I use to escape yet could I name my fears, or could I identify my fears and when fears started in my life.
I was like many people born spiritual, I was born fearless, I was born completely honest, I was born completely trusting, I was born wanting to learn and experience everything be excited at everything and everyone.
I walked in to recovery filled with fear, easy became so easy for me it was a way of life, I could not trust myself or trust people, I had in fact given up all faith and hope in myself.
So what would cause me to go against my own conscience and go against spiritual values, what would cause me to not understand if I trusted or feared my own parents?
How do you know that the pains of our past have been healed, for me thinking about or talking about it no longer hurts but more importantly the pain is replaced with sadness?
Sadness is an indicator that pains at that time are now put to rest, how do you know you have forgiven yourself at a subconscious level, once you are able to laugh at yourself you have forgiven yourself.
Who is to say what is healthy or unhealthy, that is our choice and sharing with people.
Any addiction or obsession causes a decline in our spiritual values and interactions with people and a decline in our important spiritual values and causes an imbalance in our well being.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person, yet I am not a religion person.
Step one took me over twenty years to *****, surrender was easy and simple enough that by my addiction I was in spiritual decline and getting more and more unhealthy.
That every time I gambled I made relationships in my life much more unhealthy, that I was beaten I could not win a healthy happy spiritual life by gambling.
Every time I lied was an indicator of how much fear I was living in, and with each lie came more fear until I went in to panic mode and could not think things out straight or clearly.
Step one life being unmanageable was all about my emotional state of mind, my emotional triggers were pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.
Me being over sensitive and getting angry and resentful quickly over simple every day things was an indicator that there were pains and unresolved and unhealed trauma and pains of my past.
I was born completely fearless as a child and due to unhealthy pains and trauma they caused me to live in more and more fears.
Being born completely fearless was a spiritual value which I lost and by living in so many fears I became afraid of emotional intimacy with all people in my life.
There was a time when I thought that s*x was love, yet at one time I thought that I loved gambling, yet I thought that I loved cars and loved material things in my life, did I know what love was before my spiritual recovery.
For me today love is a healthy emotional intimate relationship with other people or with animals.
To love I started to understand that I needed to become completely fearless, and to accept that by being loving I am willing to give of myself.
It took me even longer to understand my frustrations, my frustrations were due to my unhealthy unreasonable expectations of people and life, this was also tied to the fact that my actions towards other people were conditional that if I did something I expected something in return.
Lonely issues were due to abandonment issues from a very early child hood, when people left me I felt both physical and emotional abandonment, sadly when adults in my life were filled with suppressed with a lot of pain fear or frustrations they put walls of fear around them self and then I felt very painful emotional abandonment.
Sadly as a child I internalized so much of what unhealthy people did to me, I felt it was all about me.
So to do step one was about understanding my emotional triggers, to talk to a person before I gambled and best deal with my emotions before I hurt myself.
Boredom was a way of life for me not feeling content within myself, the recovery first taught me to think today I will not then once abstaining my thinking changed to today I WILL and overcome I became more productive, fulfilling my needs wants and goals.
There was a lot of reluctance from me to write down my needs wants and goals, it was like extracting teeth very painful for me.
I was in a state of self destruction before recovery taking my loved ones with me, everything in my life was going in to decline.
I am not alone today even when I am alone today, I speak from an emotional level, I know that when I feel vulnerable I make a telephone call to a healthy person in recovery.
I now know for sure that I was completely ignorant as to how unhealthy I was spiritually long before my spiritual recovery, or any clue how to make healthy changes in my life, in recovery I moved away from having unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
Unhealthy actions have unhealthy consequences,
Healthy actions have healthy consequences, no actions on my part is I remain stuck being unhealthy and not improving my life and how I feel.
Calling myself evil stupid dumb bad useless and worthless is unhealthy and I am beating myself up emotionally and causing myself further pain which is unhealthy and detrimental to my recovery and I am emotionally undermining and belittling myself.
The “I have to” talking and thinking was an indicator that not all was well with me and that I was obsessive.
Only by understanding my wants needs and goals could I mature and become a healthier sufficient person day by day.
It was and is important today that I do not mix with people who do not want or need recovery program, yet if a person asks for help while attending meeting I will ask them to call me before they go back to their unhealthy habits. Yet call me at reasonable healthy times of the day.
Spiritual recovery is very important to me today, it has been important to me for over 44 years and I am a very selfish person and many people are told that of that simple fact.
It took me attending over 4 meetings most weeks just to abstain, that was how vulnerable I was for over 30years.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I did not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions, when I attended two prisons after been caught in the act I did not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions, in those two prisons I cried myself to sleep.
For me to be healthy I understand I need to fulfill my wants needs and goals, physically and emotionally.
That is part of what being a healthy adult is all about.
To understand completely and in whole the serenity prayer.
Gratitude is about healthy spiritual values yet people do not need to be religious to be healthy spiritual people. Often what we want from others we need to fulfill in our self.
Am I in touch with my inner child, do any of my family fear, can I be completely healthily honest with my family and my friends. Am I free to be emotionally intimate with all people. Does fear and doubt hold me back in any way with relationships today.
Do I avoid and fear any person today. Am I able to respect myself more than I respect all other people today. Do I respect other people or fear them in any way.
No one could stop me gambling, no one could stop me smoking, no one could stop me escaping in another form of addiction or obsession that was going to be my own conscious decision to want to become healthy and give up my unhealthy life of my past.
In sharing with many people I am very surprised how deep people can go these days, in talking about things I avoided facing over 20 - 30 years.
I am not a victim today I do not want pity or sympathy, I do not want people to do things for me that I can do for myself, I do not want to hear war stories or people go on about money and the gambling.
There are or were three unhealthy roles I Played in my life, I was for sure a victim living in the pity of my pains of my past, I was also a perpetrator on to other people transferring my pains fears and frustrations on to other people, in recovery I was playing the rescuer rather than focus on the unhealthy parts of myself.
I do want people to show me how to do things I am ignorant about myself, I want people to advise me the best day to do things in my life, I do enjoy the spiritual recovery program and feel like it is a second family to me.
I use to fear the opposite s*x, I use to fear my mother father step father and my wife, I use to fear being honest, I use to fear being accountable, I use to fear apologizing, I use to fear failure.
For me failure is not trying new things, failure is not trying to fulfill my wants and my needs, failure is not trying to plan and have goals.
For me failure is giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Being in control or controlling other people was a fear based issue, controlling other people was an indicator of how inept inadequate and insecure I was in myself.
The serenity prayer use to mean to me if I am a victim I am not able to change that fact, I set boundaries if people do not respect my boundaries I walk away from those unhealthy people.
Boundaries is not about controlling other people, boundaries are about me valuing myself, I use to say that I wanted to be normal now I found that supposedly normal is not a very high standard.
So for me the spiritual recovery program is about raising the bar each day, not to impress or person please or get approval but for me to understand that each day I do the very best at whatever I do.
The start of my recovery was Just for today I WILL not gamble.
Next step and part of my recovery was Just for today I WILL not smoke.
Next part of my recovery was Just for today I WILL not get drunk.
Next part of my recovery was Just for today I WILL put every effort and time in to my steps my spiritual recovery and open up more.
My recovery great change was moving from I WILL not to I WILL.
I now understand that it was possible for me to heal from pain if I was still causing myself pain on a daily basis.
For me to heal from pain I had to give most forms of unhealthy living and stop undermining myself in every way.
One of the things I sought was approval from other people, that was due to my unreasonable expectations of other people from a very early age.
Seeking unreasonable expectations of other people caused me a lot of pain and was not healthy, so in time my lack of confidence lack of self esteem, my lack of values was replaced with me doing healthy actions saying healthy words and paying myself compliments and giving myself approval.
How can a person feel guilty for someone being kind to you, how can a person feel embarrassed for someone paying a compliment to me, how can a person feel uncomfortable being kind to yourself and for fulfilling your own wants and needs and having healthy goals.
You can take away the money and fuel for the addiction from someone yet you can take away the desire to want to gamble, today at this minute I do not want or need to gamble.
Today I am emotionally detached from gambling I do not hate it or love it, it is just nothing to me.
In hating anything or anyone in my life I only hurting myself.
In resenting anything or anyone in my life I only hurting myself.
The very first time I walked in to the spiritual recovery program was back in 1969, that is over 44 years ago, and up today I understand that being in spiritual recovery is the best thing in my life.
I could not imagine how many times I broke out gambling, no how many times I broke out gambling the question was the same, do you want to stop gambling.
Each time I broke out was an important lesson if I was willing to learn from it, what was my emotional trigger was it pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
The serenity prayer helps me understand what I can change and those things I am unable to change, for the control freak in me it was not something I did want to accept or listen to.
It sounds strange that by giving up unhealthy control gives you more control and healthy choices in your life today.
Thank everyone for caring for me during the loss of my mother, her loss was the end of a season in her and in my life.
Before she died I saw her laugh, I saw her cry, I saw her without a glint in her eye and I even saw that little girl in her.
I was able to stroke her head and when she was hot I was able to bathe her head with a cool face clothe, I can only say that most of my life I was not there for her physically or emotionally.
Yet before she died I knew that I saw and felt that little hurt girl in her being at peace with herself and with the world.
As a person fades away the material things in our life are no longer important, knowing that loved ones are there for you is the most important thing in their life.
With regards my mothers will I told our solicitor to give it all to my wife and we will deal with things later on, I am able to trust my wife more than ever before in my life.
My trust of my Shirley my wife has nothing to do about her and everything to do about me and my own security.
To be fearless and spiritual is very healthy.
To be fearless is an indicator that I have healed the pains and emotional trauma of my past experiences.
I did not have a clue how lonely and isolated I was before my spiritual recovery, I could not admit the simple things like I was frightened of the post man, I was frightened of the telephone ringing and I was frightened of strangers coming to our home.
As I opened up more I become slightly more comfortable with going in to meetings, yet felt uncomfortable about some
I carried emotional trauma from a very early age in my life, the most traumatic adverse effect on me was abandonment issues.
The abandonment issues came from a very early age and it was going to undermine my emotional and physical growth.
I understand that emotional and physical well being are very much interlinked with each other.
I now understand that I could not do spiritual recovery on my own, it is like expecting a defective computer to repair itself.
I used to be like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere, and could see or feel that what I was doing all the time was a complete waste of time and energy it was very unhealthy activity in my addictions and obsessions.
That was a waste or life me doing that.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person, yet I am not a religion person.
Every lie I told make me weaker and weaker, every lie I told caused me to live in more fear, I was for certain an adrenaline J****E in so many ways, being an adrenaline J****E I even reached appoint where I thought that excitement and buzz was happiness and that sadly even though I was destroying myself that somehow I would find emotional resolve through my addictions.
I was a risk taker and an adrenaline J****E from an early age, and thought that risk taking was fun, yet it was an indicator that I did not value myself.
In the earlier part of my life I was having difficulty in having trust of other people, I had difficulty in learning and taking healthy advice, from my perspective I was feeling that any advice was other people trying to control me.
Today I understand that controlling other people is fear based, nervousness anxiety worry stress the base feeling is fear, now on would think that my fears started when I took up my addictions and obsessions.
For me my fears started from a very early, it was very sad that I lived in fear of going home and I lived in fear of going to school there was no place or time I felt secure in myself.
In my early time of my life adults use to transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to me one way or another I could not or would not defend myself.
I questioned at what time did I start feeling a victim, at what time did fears over whelm and made me feel that nothing I would say or do would stop me feeling like a victim.
In doing Karate for two years I found that I enjoyed fighting yet what I still feared was other people’s aggression and confrontations, and I was no longer going to accept other unhealthy people to transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to me.
Today by my healthy actions and words I am no longer adversely affecting how other people, so I am no longer responsible for how they feel today.
If people still want to blame me for how they feel today that is the fact they are unable to heal of their past, there is nothing I can say or do to change how other people feel about me.
Making amends is not about the money any more, making amends is by being healthy and building bridges over damaged relationships.
For some people my promises mean nothing what so ever, it is my healthy actions and words that help heal and let us move on from the past.
I think in my addictions and obsessions I was my own worst enemy, I was in emotional decline I was unable to value myself or care about myself.
I use to react to everyone and everything, my impatience and intolerance was an indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself I was being cruel to myself by calling myself names when I did not things right.
The spiritual recovery program helps us ask for help, the spiritual recovery program helps me help myself, the spiritual recovery program is not going to fix me I am going to do that myself.
Going to counseling indicated to me that I was willing and able to overcome my fears and unbury that hurt child in me, it was going to take time and eleven counsel to peel back that onion and let that inner cry once more.
I am often admire people who are able to and willing to articulate how they feel so that other people can relate to their experiences in life, I am still learning how to articulate my feelings in anon threatening way.
Pain and trauma were going to have a devastating impact on my growth and my maturing in to adult hood.
Often with every physical pain with intent in my earlier life of other people came them transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to me.
So how do we talk about how we feel without other people threatened by us exposing our past, do I want pity and sympathy today, did I really want to remain feeling like a victim for the rest of my life.
In speaking out I stopped feeling the victim, by having boundaries was very hard for me to do, I did not feel like I deserved boundaries because of the unhealthy words and actions I did in my past.
It was strange that I recognized that other people were willing to forgive long before I was able to forgive myself.
It was also strange that other people had more faith in me that I had in myself, they all knew I could do recovery before I did.
It was so painful going back to the rooms saying I had gambled once more, as I was able to feel more emotions for myself it became difficult to admit that I had hurt myself once more.
People think and feel that once you break out gambling that you have lost all of your recovery time just because of one day gambling, that is not so.
I would not be going to GA if I got nothing form it, as everyone shares their experiences before and after date of entry in to the spiritual recovery program I am learning each day.
At one time I use to think that It was boring because I was not stimulated by the healthy experiences of other peoples growth, I am worth far more today than when I walked in to the recovery.
Every time I gambled I was giving away a little part of myself and losing my family with each bet.
I do not want to bully or intimidate other people today, I do not want to control other people today, I do not want other people to fear me today, I do not want to go against my conscience or go against spiritual values.
My conscience no longer causes me pain today, I am not ashamed of who I am today, for me there is no end in becoming more spiritual and more health within myself.
Before spiritual recovery I did not have a choice, today that is not so, I have no doubts in myself or other people today.
Every one of us needs to value our self more each day, every one of us needs to be more respectful caring tolerant and loving towards each day, on a growing curve.
Step one took me over twenty years to *****, surrender was easy and simple enough that by my addiction I was in spiritual decline and getting more and more unhealthy.
That every time I gambled I made relationships in my life much more unhealthy, that I was completely beaten, that gambling was a form of self destruction. Slow and painful for myself and everyone around me.
I could not win a healthy happy spiritual life by gambling.
Money was never going to give me happiness.
Every time I lied was an indicator of how much fear I was living in, and with each lie came more fear until I went in to panic mode and could not think things out straight or clearly.
Step one life being unmanageable was all about my emotional state of mind, my emotional triggers were pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.
Me being over sensitive and getting angry and resentful quickly over simple every day things was an indicator that there were pains and unresolved and unhealed trauma and pains of my past.
I was born completely fearless as a child and due to unhealthy pains and trauma they caused me to live in more and more fears.
Being born completely fearless was a spiritual value which I lost and by living in so many fears I became afraid of emotional intimacy with all people in my life.
For me today love is a healthy emotional intimate relationship with other people or with animals.
To love I started to understand that I needed to become completely fearless, and to accept that by being loving I am willing to give of myself.
It took me even longer to understand my frustrations, my frustrations were due to my unhealthy unreasonable expectations of people and life, this was also tied to the fact that my actions towards other people were conditional that if I did something I expected something in return.
Lonely issues were due to abandonment issues from a very early child hood, when people left me I felt both physical and emotional abandonment, sadly when adults in my life were filled with suppressed with a lot of pain fear or frustrations they put walls of fear around them self and then I felt very painful emotional abandonment.
Sadly as a child I internalized so much of what unhealthy people did to me, I felt it was all about me.
So to do step one was about understanding my emotional triggers, to talk to a person before I gambled and best deal with my emotions before I hurt myself.
Boredom was a way of life for me not feeling content within myself, the recovery first taught me to think today I will not then once abstaining my thinking changed to today I WILL and overcome I became more productive, fulfilling my needs wants and goals.
I was in a state of self destruction before recovery taking my loved ones with me, everything in my life was going in to decline.
I now know for sure that I was completely ignorant as to how unhealthy I was spiritually long before my spiritual recovery, or any clue how to make healthy changes in my life, in recovery I moved away from having unhealthy addictions and obsessions.
Unhealthy actions have unhealthy consequences,
Healthy actions have healthy consequences, no actions on my part is I remain stuck being unhealthy and not improving my life and how I feel.
The “I have to” talking and thinking was an indicator that not all was well with me and that I was obsessive.
Only by understanding my wants needs and goals could I mature and become a healthier sufficient person day by day.
It was and is important today that I do not mix with people who do not want or need recovery program, yet if a person asks for help while attending meeting I will ask them to call me before they go back to their unhealthy habits. Yet call me at reasonable healthy times of the day.
Spiritual recovery is very important to me today, it has been important to me for over 44 years and I am a very selfish person and many people are told that of that simple fact.
It took me attending over 4 meetings most weeks just to abstain, that was how vulnerable I was for over 30years.
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I did not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions, when I attended two prisons after been caught in the act I did not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions, in those two prisons I cried myself to sleep.
For me to be healthy I understand I need to fulfill my wants needs and goals, physically and emotionally.
That is part of what being a healthy adult is all about maturing and growing and being accountable in a healthy way.
To understand completely and in whole the serenity prayer.
Gratitude is about healthy spiritual values yet people do not need to be religious to be healthy spiritual people. Often what we want from others we need to fulfill in our self.
No one could stop me gambling, no one could stop me smoking, no one could stop me escaping in another form of addiction or obsession that was going to be my own conscious decision to want to become healthy and give up my unhealthy life of my past.
I am not a victim today I do not want pity or sympathy, I do not want people to do things for me that I can do for myself, I do not want to hear war stories or people go on about money and the gambling.
There are or were three unhealthy roles I Played in my life, I was for sure a victim living in the pity of my pains of my past, I was also a perpetrator on to other people transferring my pains fears and frustrations on to other people, in recovery I was playing the rescuer rather than focus on the unhealthy parts of myself.
For me failure is not trying new things, failure is not trying to fulfill my wants and my needs, failure is not trying to plan and have goals.
For me failure is giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Being in control or controlling other people was a fear based issue, controlling other people was an indicator of how inept inadequate and insecure I was in myself.
The serenity prayer use to mean to me if I am a victim I am not able to change that fact, I set boundaries if people do not respect my boundaries I walk away from those unhealthy people.
Boundaries is not about controlling other people, boundaries are about me valuing myself, I use to say that I wanted to be normal now I found that supposedly normal is not a very high standard.
So for me the spiritual recovery program is about raising the bar each day, not to impress or person please or get approval but for me to understand that each day I do the very best at whatever I do.
Seeking unreasonable expectations of other people caused me a lot of pain and was not healthy, so in time my lack of confidence lack of self esteem, my lack of values was replaced with me doing healthy actions saying healthy words and paying myself compliments and giving myself approval.
You can take away the money and fuel for the addiction from someone yet you can take away the desire to want to gamble, today at this minute I do not want or need to gamble.
Today I am emotionally detached from gambling I do not hate it or love it, it is just nothing to me.
Each time I broke out was an important lesson if I was willing to learn from it, what was my emotional trigger was it pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
To be fearless and spiritual is very healthy.
To be fearless is an indicator that I have healed the pains and emotional trauma of my past experiences.
I did not have a clue how lonely and isolated I was before my spiritual recovery, I could not admit the simple things like I was frightened of the post man, I was frightened of the telephone ringing and I was frightened of strangers coming to our home.
As I opened up more I become slightly more comfortable with going in to meetings, yet felt uncomfortable about some
I understand that emotional and physical well being are very much interlinked with each other.
I now understand that I could not do spiritual recovery on my own, it is like expecting a defective computer to repair itself.
I used to be like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere, and could see or feel that what I was doing all the time was a complete waste of time and energy it was very unhealthy activity in my addictions and obsessions.
That was a waste or life me doing that.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person, yet I am not a religion person.
The word often used in the serenity prayer courage, and I am sure that many people have different opinions as to how courage relates to them.
Then follows the line “courage to change the things I can”, now in understanding that I cannot change another person to be healthier or even to understand what spiritual is all about.
Do I need courage to do the healthy and right things in my life? Do I need courage to be honest and no longer live in fear?
For most of my life I had given up faith and hope in myself and in my actions.
I walked in to recovery smelling of fear yet could not face myself or face the consequences of my unhealthy actions and words.
I use to be very weak inept inadequate and insecure as well as bitter and twisted yet could I admit to myself how vulnerable I use to be.
Because I was so insecure inept inadequate in myself and so filled with fear on arriving in to the spiritual recovery program I thought the spiritual recovery was going to control me and try to regulate me.
That was not so the spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself, to be honest without it being painful, was going to help me help myself be more mature, it was going to help me help me become more aware and self enlightened about those parts that were unhealthy ad healthy about my character.
By answering the 20 questions each time would they raise more other questions rather than answers. Yet I would learn more about myself by debating and discussing every avenue of my past.
At what time would I start to think that by my actions and words I could change from being unhealthy to be able to do the healthy thing that I would find the courage and confidence to change from unhealthy habits to healthy habits?
The 20 questions would be answered in more depth and understanding how vulnerable I really use to be.
Today do I blame other people for how I feel; today do I blame other people for the direction and path I take in my life today.
How important is it sharing at some depth our deepest feelings.
Am I scared that by being honest in a healthy way I will lose my friends?
I am a survivor today without fears, I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself today or in my spiritual recovery.
I like many people felt on walking in to recovery the people already in recovery were much smarter than me, I use to hear them talk and did not think I could open up like those people did.
It is recommended that when people entry recovery they should try and talk if they can.
Yet there were people who did not speak for months and yet were able to listen and I am sure that people on web sites might even think they are not up to opening up quite yet.
I have far many healthy choices that far extend beyond abstaining and not getting consumed by obsessions.
Once I abstained from my addiction I wanted to deviate facing myself in other ways, it took time to recognize those moments I wanted to escape one way or another.
One of the indicators that I was very immature was my unhealthy sulking moods, at what point in my life did I learn to sulk and what is sulking any way.
For me sulking was a consequence of me not having my expectations not being met earlier in my life and that I internalized it.
Sulking for me is an unhealthy habit was a consequence of my emotional wants and needs not being fulfilled in my child hood.
I have written some letters recently and sent them by post, writing letters is an important part of my recovery, I want and need to speak out for myself to compliment and also express my displeasure when things are not to a reasonable standard.
To remove myself from being the victim I found it was important to speak out directly or indirectly and not out of vengeance or through resentments.
Once I have put print to paper and once it is in the post box my part is done, I may contact a company to confirm receipt but after that moment my job is done.
I have met so many people in my journey to becoming healthier; on entering recovery I questioned all of my motives both healthy and unhealthy.
I understand that living in the pains of my past is not healthy, those buried and suppressed pains show up in so many ways, lack of trust, so many kinds of fears, resentments which hinder people for most of their life.
Then in the old days I would say I wanted justice when in fact I really wanted vengeance and wanted to cause other people more pain than I was feeling within myself.
Reacting in anger is and was an unhealthy habit for me; I hurt myself by being angry and resentful.
Reacting in anger was an unhealthy habit indicating that I was unable to heal my pains of today or able to heal the pains of my past.
I understand today that if people do not respect them self it is highly unlikely that they will respect me that is simply understanding the serenity prayer and accepting it most days of my life.
It is very powerful to see people being honest smiling and laughing in their recovery, it is even more powerful when people can have a healthy laugh at themselves.
I was completely clueless as to what spiritual recovery was all about, I was ignorant as to living in fear held me back from living a healthy spiritual interactive life with all people.
That by being consumed by my addictions and obsessions put my life out of balance and I went against spiritual values.
Spiritual Values stand alone from every religion and are what our own conscience is and was based up on from birth.
Our spiritual actions and our spiritual values and our unconditional actions are spiritually character building such as unconditional loving and forgiving apologizing caring trusting patience tolerance humble sincere honest faithful loyal optimistic self assured punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative sharing nurturing encouraging awareness content stable open minded and calm and at peace with oneself.
When we were born we were completely fearless that is a spiritual value, when we were born we were completely honest that is a spiritual value, when we were born we were able to give of our self completely unconditionally that is a spiritual value, when we were born we were completely trusting that is a spiritual value.
If we were able to have those Spiritual Values already in our self earlier in our life then relearning those Spiritual Values can be done once more.
They say that honesty is the best policy why did people find it hard to be honest, could it be that by being honest people feared being caused pain or being abandoned rejected unloved hurt or ridiculed.
It is possible to be honest without being cruel and not have an adverse effect on another person.
When we have healthy spiritual interactions with people it makes those moments very special and those moments can be the high lights of our life.
The spiritual recovery program helps any person who is willing and wanting to become a healthy spiritual interactive person over any period time.
For me the longer I avoided doing the action of opening up and becoming healthy the more time I was wasting living reacting to unhealthy feelings.
The spiritual recovery program helps any person become healthier with or without any kind of religion beliefs what so ever, I was born and manipulated in to going to religions but found that a lot of people who supposedly religious people were in fact unhealthy hypocrites.
Sadly people think that when I talk about my unhealthy childhood they think it is about blaming people for my actions.
This is not the case once you enter recovery you learn to be accountable to yourself.
If I was blaming my family and past I would be bitter twisted and resentful towards my family, and that is not the case, I needed to understand why as a teenager I wanted to take my own life.
That I was very unhealthy and risk taking long before my addictions and obsessive behaviors, they were the symptoms that I was unhealthy.
I understand today that every fear I have as an adult today was a consequence of painful traumatic experiences in my child hood.
People did to me as a child those things that were done to them because those unhealthy practices were a belief system passed on them by their parents who they trusted to be right and healthy.
There is a big difference between healthy nurturing and encouraging and unhealthy bullying and unhealthy manipulation, yet if once in recovery we understand the difference between both methods and we chose to be healthy instead of following other people’s unhealthy habits.
The spiritual recovery program is about healthy unity and yet sometimes people will question is the spiritual recovery program just about abstaining from your addictions only.
Well it is essential for me to be able to abstain before I could move on to changing my habits in to healthy habits.
Yet when you last time I was involved with my addiction, the question I was often asked do you want to stop gambling and stop being consumed in my addiction, if I answered yes it is no longer important when I was unhealthy before or how long.
I use to abstain yet was not able to become healthy, I was often still bitter twisted angry confused inept insecure because my strength of character had not happened yet.
In time I would ask myself what is my biggest fear today, once I acknowledged each fear only then could I do something about those fears.
Aggression and confrontation use to unsettle me in a big way, I use to think it was about physical size or even s*x, I now understand that aggression and confrontation is an unhealthy habit picked up and learned from my parents in my child hood.
Aggression and confrontation is about bullying and controlling other people, aggression and confrontation is a very unhealthy habit which transfers people pains fear and frustrations on to other vulnerable people.
People being aggressive and confrontational indicates how totally weak insecure and inept they are within them self.
People who try and control other people are weak people who have not matured and grown up in a healthy way.
My way or the high way is the attitude is from a person who has not matured and grown up in a healthy way.
The most important thing we can do for our self and for the people who come in to recovery is make sure they feel comfortable and to have nothing to fear while being in the rooms of the spiritual recovery program.
Learning to be fearless and honest is important part of the spiritual recovery program, being fearless and honest is being spiritually healthy.
I like many thought that by getting hold of money would somehow undo all the harm I had inflicted on other people, today the lack of money did not hurt people as much as me lying and betraying other peoples trust.
By betraying other peoples trust they learned to live in more and more fear until our family lived in as much fear as we did.
One of the cruel things I did was to get my family involved with my lies and for them to go against their own conscience.
To think on arriving in the spiritual recovery program I could articulate my feelings in any way, some people think that I am well educated, that is not so most of my skills have been learned by my experiences in life and by putting my pen to paper.
Getting me to be accountable to myself and write things down was like trying to extract teeth. I thought it would be painful and awkward; today it is a big part of my life and my spiritual growth.
Is a healthy spiritual person able to be healthy and able to nurture and encourage other people to do healthy actions to improve the spiritual quality of their life and to have the best spiritual relationships they can have with other people.
It was not possible for me to have healthy spiritual relationships with other people until I was able to have a healthy spiritual relationship with myself first of all.
One thing which was very powerful in my recovery was whatever I wanted from other people I needed to supply to myself first of all, in order to fee more loved I needed to love myself.
All the time I was filled with so many fears I had no choice but to unlovable, fear inhibited me so much and in so many ways and yet I did not even know it on walking in to the spiritual recovery program I was so ignorant.
I was very confused about body language on arriving in to the spiritual recovery program, whenever I told meeting I had broken out gambling once more the looks I saw on people`s faces were disappointments, when in fact they were feeling my pains, when they clapped at me being honest I thought they were being sarcastic, the clap was complementing me on being so honest and strong and facing my fears.
I spent a large chunk of my life feeling like a victim, and one would question what makes a person remain being a victim, well often it is always certain people that get the brunt of unhealthy peoples transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to most vulnerable or weak person.
I use to question why I remained the victim, well now understand to the fact I did not speak up for myself, and I did not need to get angry to have boundaries, the healthiest of all boundaries are set from a place of peace in our head.
I will even walk away from unhealthy people once I have warned them a couple of times, it is by out casting people that they question their own unhealthy actions and me walking away is one of the healthy consequences.
I use to live in the pains of the past and now I live in the today mode and plan for a productive healthy future with the ambition of having healthy relationships with all people.
Recovery for me was about not sitting on my hands doing nothing but read text, progressive recovery for me is about being content with fulfilling my wants and needs each and every day and understanding that every creative productive day is self rewarding day.
I understand that I caused myself so much stress when I was unhealthy, I understand that stress is fear based, I understand that being stress out with fear causing adrenaline to rush through my veins and it causes high blood pressure.
I understand today that I do not need to cause myself so much fear based stress it is unhealthy.
Do I really think that my sharing myself and my experiences will change people for the better today, no sadly I do not change people in any way, that is the conscious choice and decision that every person needs to make for them self if they value them self enough.
Yet it seems funny now that at one time I use to fear woman, that came from my teen age years when girls use to giggle because they were nervous and I use to think that they laughing at me.
Have my wants and needs changed as I have grown in myself, have my goals increased with new things and challenges I take on board.
Sadly parents blame the education system for spiritual values fading, and sadly the education system blame the parents for the education system for spiritual values fading, sadly they are both incorrect it is the responsibility for everyone to demonstrate spiritual values to everyone in everyday life.
There were times when governments worked hand in hand with politicians to maintain spiritual guidance in land and community values.
Governments and politicians are suppose to represent the public not control them; in the world today PC has gone overboard so that people are in fact losing the right to speak out honestly.
And in different countries certain groups openly talk hatred and violence about the very country they live in and are suppose to support yet I can see and feel their pains and frustrations coming out.
I see and feel that immigration is one of the top topics people want resolved but governments go on regardless of the consequences of the outcomes.
Like us in recovery we need to understand our healthy wants and needs, and it us to us each individual in recovery to fulfill those healthy wants and needs if we are going to be healthy.
Can any person or family live in a healthy way if all they do is worry about money all the time, their jobs should be able to fulfill their basic needs and wants so that they can focus on their wants and not feel under stressful pressure all the time.
Shirley is less afraid of me than any other time in her life.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
Why of the most confusing questions I asked going in to recovery why did I Gamble and why could I not help myself stop this insidious decline in my life.
I now see that what I was doing to myself was self abuse, I could not give myself any kind of credit or approval and could not feel secure and happy with in myself.
Sadly I use to think that I loved the gambling, did I not fully understand what love was all about.
Did I not understand that I could have emotional intimacy with people without any issues of s*x being involved.
Why did I live in so many fears and doubted myself in so many ways.
Today after over 44 years in recovery I understand that in days before recovery I really did not have a choice but to escape in any way possible from facing myself or facing responsibility.
I learned to live in fear of being honest from a very early age, I use to associate being honest as being painful, in recovery I have learned that honesty empowers me to be a healthier person each day.
There was no chance of me finding a healthy life on my own, in spiritual recovery I learned to listen and absorb healthy advice.
Today I am an equal to a people, no matter how long since my last bet I am able to interact with people and life today rather than react in an unhealthy way.
Step one I use to think that my life was manageable before my gambling and drinking, that was a lie that I told myself, my life was emotionally unmanageable when as a teenager I tried to take my own life.
My life was emotionally unmanageable when I feared being at home, my life was emotionally unmanageable when I feared going to school , my life was emotionally unmanageable when I was wetting my bed as a teenager.
My life was emotionally unmanageable when I cried myself to sleep in prison and felt I was not responsible for my actions.
My life was emotionally unmanageable when I feared the opposite s*x and feared my own parents.
When I hear people giving their last date of gambling days months years I add them up and sometimes all those dates added together equal one person who life time of not gambling.
The spiritual recovery program helps us be enlightened as to how we can change unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
As we laugh at another person experiences we are in fact laughing at our self because we often and see and feel our self in other people.
We are not laughing at them we are laughing at our self in so many ways. When we laugh at our self is an indicator we have forgiven our self.
I often heard the reference a dry drunk, it implies that a person has just stopped drinking and is not working recovery.
For me abstaining and not recovering was like sitting on my hands doing nothing which is not recovery program is about.
Sitting on my hands doing nothing and abstaining was white knuckling recovery and was doing hard time. It was not progress.
Once I started doing the twelve steps I was reducing the chances of me doing unhealthy things, or going back to gambling or getting drunk.
It is funny because there is lots of drinks in my home and it sits there so that when I fancy one or two drinks I can, I do not fear or hate drink or gambling, me living in any kind of fear is unhealthy for me.
In comparing me with other people is about me not being content with myself, by me listening being attentive and learning from other peoples experiences.
There is no doubt in my mind that when I walked in to the spiritual recovery I was seriously emotionally traumatized in so many ways, I was so inept inadequate mixed up and confused I did not know where to start in my journey of recovery.
I think the best way I can explain my recovery I was like a million pieces of a mixed up jig saw I did not have a clue where to start, yet once you work around the edges and I started to build strength in myself the pieces of a mixed up jig saw started to make sense to me.
By being emotionally traumatized I did not have a sense of awareness it was like I was in a fog nothing made much sense.
The mention of going to a counsel scared me because of the fear that overwhelmed me.
Sadly in the old days when people questioned me I felt they were interrogating me that is how insecure I was in those days and I would choke up.
Just because I am in the spiritual recovery program does not mean that people will not try and manipulate me, it does not mean that people will not lie to me, it does not mean that people will not try to control me.
For these people I just laugh and smile, when people try to guilt trip me I just smile and let them know they are no longer able to transfer their pains fears or frustrations on to me anymore.
Guilt tripping is one of those unhealthy dysfunctional habits that need to be removed and discounted.
Dysfunctional habits go against all spiritual values, blaming, escaping responsibility, justification for unhealthy actions and words, avoiding being honest, procrastination, using reasons like I was just to busy, I would have if if if…
Dysfunctional habits have an adverse effect on other people and dysfunctional people will feel very unsettled and uncomfortable as we get healthier.
Dysfunctional people will resent our recovery, dysfunctional people will use words like it is a waste of time doing that, what is the point of doing that,
Is procrastination fear based, procrastination is it due to lack of confidence, procrastination is it healthy to leave things to the alast minute and cause our self unhealthy stress.
In order for me to just abstain I found that I needed four to five meetings per week, then I found out that by arriving 15 - 30 minutes before meeting I was more relaxed in the meeting.
Then I also found out that by being more and more honest I was feeling more free to be myself and my fears were fading gradually , that my honesty was a reflection of how healthy my relationships were with other people.
People in the rooms know of my unhealthy past yet they are able accept me for who I am and what I am today.
Last night I saw a lady crying, it was very powerful in that in front of people she was able to show her pains healing, that she was able to expose her own vulnerability.
For most of my life I buried and suppressed my pains, yet at what cost, the consequences of my suppressed pains were growing fears and so many it would take decades to peel back the onion and let that inner hurt child out and play once more.
So today I am more aware and less afraid, so today my past is no longer important, I am able to face people I use to fear, I am able to face places I use to fear.
Before my mother dies last year there was no fear between us both, we were able to be our self, we were both able to show emotional intimacy towards each other, it was like the past no longer mattered or interfered with that healthy precious moment.
At that instant with that emotional intimacy towards each other nothing else mattered or was important, and that when mother passed away I knew that she was at peace and I was at peace with myself and with my mother.
Those painful moments in the past were no longer painful, there was a sadness but no more pains.
I did not have a clue how lonely and isolated I was before my spiritual recovery, I could admit simple things like I was frightened of the post man, I was frightened of the telephone ringing and I was frightened of strangers coming to our home.
I use to chew my thumb nails down till they bled, my legs use to twitch from being so stressed out uptight and nervous all the time, yet from my thinking I thought that everyone else lived liked that.
As I opened up more I become slightly more comfortable with going in to meetings, yet felt uncomfortable about some
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice if I Gambled or not I just did.
I now understand for me that my addictions and obsessions were just a way of me escaping how I felt within myself.
I was not stupid evil bad or dumb I was just a very unhealthy person who when I felt emotionally vulnerable would escape in any way possible for me.
I did not understand that I felt very vulnerable, I even married another not person not knowing that deep down emotionally I was a very immature vulnerable child who had not healed from the pains of my past.
Before I was seven years of age I had suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and felt very vulnerable within myself I Had even by this time already started to suppress and bury things I could not cope with emotionally.
After I was eight years of age I suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse and felt even more vulnerable and again could not admit it to myself.
Did I suppress my anger and my resentments or did I internalize those pains and felt that I was responsible for all the things that happened to me and started to doubt myself.
For sure I was a victim from a very early age and yet understanding how painful it was from my own experience I did and said unhealthy things to people that were close to me, I was doing the same things that were done to me, I was transferring my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program did I truly understand how unhealthy I had become, did I understand how immature I was, did I understand how inept I felt, did I understand how insecure I was, did I understand how scared of being honest I was.
I like many people think that if I did not gamble I would be happy, it did not happen that way, if I had loads of money I would be happy, not true, if I had loads of money I would not worry not true.
Money was never going to resolve my emotional issues.
I started to understand that I would find recovery without taking up religious beliefs.
That all religions educate people with spiritual values, yet why did I go against my own conscience and against spiritual values why was I willing to cause myself and other people pain due to my deceptions and lies.
One thing caused me a lot of pain from a very early age was my unreasonable expectations of life and other people,
One can question if all of my wants and needs were fulfilled from an early age and I know for sure that was not the case, not because would not fulfilled my wants and my needs, they were unable to.
In recovery I learned to have empathy for myself and over time empathy for other people it is of no importance when people had their last bet or last unhealthy habit, it is important to encourage people to stay with their recovery no matter what happens.
Sadly people will think and feel that if they break out after some time of abstaining that time is lost no clean time is not lost, is not correct if one gambles after time they have not lost clean time.
If I were to gamble tomorrow does that mean I have no value to the rooms of the spiritual recovery program, even my last break out does that mean they cannot learn from my emotional vulnerability or my emotional triggers and what to watch out for.
For me there is no such thing as failure once a person is in the spiritual recovery program, there is a gradual learning curve which seems so slow at the beginning.
How many people give up one addiction and another kind escape in another addiction or obsession, for me escape was television I would get angry if someone disturbed my watching television, now only use television to relax and chill out, I can take it or leave I would plan my life around television I am not that sick.
Some people think that they can only be happy if there team wins if the teams fail they feel they have failed, how can that in any way be healthy.
My reacting in my anger and in my resentments is my responsibility today, I needed to understand my emotional triggers and then once I recognized my emotional triggers do something about them.
I have a great fear to aggression and confrontation which was a result of many spiritually unhealthy adults transferring their pains fear and frustrations on to me.
For certain people abused me in several physical ways and for sure I was a victim yet not only did they physical me with it came their emotional abuse which I internalized on many occasions.
It took me over two years of doing Karate to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation through people transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to me time and time again.
By doing Karate I found I enjoyed fighting and physical contact, and doing Karate help build my contact with other people.
I think the easy way to explain recovery is to relate it to mountain climbers and they gain confidence and learn safe practices in how to progress and learn new skills.
I now understand that I could not do spiritual recovery on my own, it is like expecting a defective computer to repair itself.
That mountain climbers use the rope of hope and faith which is our honesty to stay safely connected with spiritually healthy growing people for the feeling of safety and to share our safe healthy wisdom and helps people progressing without fear holding us all back from progressing? The strength or our rope is our honesty wisdom and our trust and our healthy sharing?
Sadly people want quick fixes and to be healed and resolved over night, sadly it took me many many decades to become unhealthy and take up unhealthy habits and it was and is going to take time to exchange those unhealthy habits in to unhealthy habits.
The number of people is not a measure of the strength of our recovery or our progress; it is our honesty which is strength and the quality of our progress? Our honesty is the best policy?
Even the slowest person moves and grows with the healthy spiritual group that are all tied together in their recovery and their honesty.
The spiritual program was going to help me help myself over long period of time. Sadly most of us want to have the quick fix, recovery and healing does not work that way.
I used to be like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere, and could see or feel that what I was doing all the time and energy was a complete waste of time and energy it was very unhealthy activity in my addictions and obsessions.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
My unhealthy reaction in anger started from a very early age, when people were aggressive and confrontational towards me I use react in that instant from fear, that reaction to aggressive and confrontational words and actions towards me started from a very early age.
Some people will refer to anger as acting out, is that the healthiest way to explain anger, is it acting or is our emotional response very real to us.
In the spiritual recovery program we learn and we understand to have healthy spiritual values and healthy spiritual relationships with our self and with other people.
Sadly when societies with draw any form of religious education they also with draw spiritual guidance and then there is a tendency for spiritual values to decline and crime increases.
There has been alcohol abuse for many years yet sadly other forms of addictions and obsessions are on the increase.
If I am angry and resentful I know for sure I am not healing my pains I am not facing my fears and my expectations of life and people are unreasonable.
I did not turn up at the spiritual recovery program thinking I had emotional issues, did I think that I had no choice but to be angry and resentful nearly all of the time.
For me reacting in anger was something I could not myself from doing, the question do you enjoy being angry, in me being angry did it anyway help me or my relationships with other people.
One day one person said a very powerful statement, “I do not have a gambling problem I have an emotional problem” my reactions was very unsettling yet it was the beginning of my questioning myself and understand more about step one and understanding my emotional triggers.
People questioned if addictions were passed on by our parents, was it genetic.
Today even though my father was an alcoholic and at times compulsive gambler I now understand that he did not have a choice.
The same way I was destined towards an addiction or obsession eventually.
It was very important when to talking and apologizing to my victims to not say I could not help myself, that would imply I am or was trying to escape responsibility for my unhealthy actions or towards the victims I caused.
Yesterday was a very full day, therapies, writing, going swimming, going ten in bowling, going to my dentist, then out again to bank to Princess Autos to look at big boys toys, then to finish the day stopped off at favorite burger bar in Calgary.
Yesterday was more about my wants than needs, yet being in doors can be unsettling to me and I do need some interactions with all other people I contact in my daily life.
Most people find my asking of service kind of over the top, polite appreciative respectful and courteous, I then to think I treat other people the same way I want to be treated.
In discussion with another person we recognized that usually you get back which you give out, when people see they respect yourself and them they usually respect you.
What stopped me from being very productive earlier in my life with my wants needs and goals.
Well on walking in to the spiritual recovery program I had lost all faith and hope in myself yes I was able to do my daily job yet beyond that I was very inept about so many things in m y life.
Because over many decades I had buried and suppressed my unhealed pains for many decades I was living in a kind of emotional trauma.
Because of my pains I had no choice but to live in so many fears of my life.
Living in the pains and fears of my past I was stunted emotionally for so long yet could not admit it to myself.
By living in the pains and fears of my past and my fears that day and my fears of tomorrow I did not have much effort t give to living a day at a time.
Just for today I WILL” became a big part of my recovery, it is very much tied to the serenity prayer could to change the things I can, that was me in so many ways.
I am not suspicious when people shake my hand, when people give me hugs I do not think it as sexual, when people ask questions of me I do not feel threatened or interrogated, when people pay me a compliment I do not think what are they after, when people laugh at my therapies I feel they are laughing with me not at me.
Was it any way healthy to live on the edge of my nerves all the time.
I have the application form for the 50th birthday of GA in the UK, it is funny that I attended meetings back in 1969 so I have been with since right at the beginning.
It was very difficult to find the application form for the 50th birthday of GA in the UK I even learnt about it from a person in Vancouver British Columbia Canada.
I think it is very important to make access to information and other events about the spiritual recovery program as simple and as helpful as possible.
The spiritual recovery program is about healing and spiritual growth and so often it saves people lives in so many ways.
Did having money make me happy, no that was so not true, did paying off debts make me happy, no yet it unburdened me a lot.
The first time I made amends to people I did it because I felt I had to, then I went back to the very same people and did it because I wanted to do it that was even more powerful.
Doing things resentfully and reluctantly I cheat myself.
In over forty years of recovery there has been a trend towards more in depth therapies, people not talking from the conscious mind but exposing their base feelings in so many ways.
That exposing our base feelings helps us understand how much pain we are healing today, how many fears we are facing today, how many of our reduced frustrations of people and life are reducing the pains I cause myself today due to my unreasonable expectations of people and life today.
No matter what room of recovery in any city I walk in to I feel comfortable, I no longer fear people seeing me go in to rooms of recovery today.
I feel I am well connected with so many people today.
Some years ago a person said at a meeting please do not tell me what to do, show me recovery, that was very powerful.
It took me over twenty years to understand step one, surrender acceptance and understanding my emotional triggers. How could it take me to understand my emotional triggers were pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.
For me living in the past is not productive, living as a victim of my past is not productive, by living in fears of tomorrows I cheating myself of living today.
Each day is a present a gift to do better spiritually than I did yesterday, to no longer dwell in the pains of my past, when I mention the abuse in my life it helps people understand no matter how bad I use to feel before recovery I am definitely a survivor today.
The spiritual recovery program is healing process if you want it, yet the very simple fact it is not possible to heal if people are not willing to admit to them self they are not well.
At what point was I willing to do recovery for myself, at what point was I going to be very selfish about my recovery and take the spiritual recovery program seriously.
Each time I broke out gambling I was seriously thinking of avoiding going back to the spiritual recovery program because I felt that I let the people in the rooms down, no I had let myself down by giving up all faith and hope in myself.
The deepest words of wisdom of recovery often comes from the new members in the spiritual recovery program, a new member shows so much strength at that very first meeting.
We ask new people to give the spiritual recovery program just 90 days, it is not much to ask yet for some it seems so do hard for them to do.
As I share more and more each morning as I wrote and did web site work I found that more deep seated emotional issues came to the conscious part of my mind.
No matter how many people you ask people for advice once I commit myself to doing the actions the consequences of those actions become my responsibility.
Even when doing sponsorship I make sure that people seek advice from as many sources as possible. And only once you are satisfied then to act up on the best advice possible at that moment in time.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions have healthy consequences, unhealthy actions have unhealthy consequences, and no actions at all what so ever then I am cheating myself.
The spiritual recovery program was never going to fail me, sadly I going to fail to work the spiritual recovery program, the text the books are only the manual for me having a healthy life.
It is almost like buying a car service manual and expecting the car to fix it self.
The spiritual recovery program was only going to guide me to a healthy life style no one was going to make me do something I did not want to do.
I am not only willing in my recovery I am able do things with excitement and ambition, the healthier I get the more I am in touch with myself, no more living in a confused fog of uncertainly and insecurity.
Was I inept on walking in to the spiritual recovery program, yes I was inept in so many ways, as an adult, as a man, as a husband, as a father, and as a human being.
Because I was so inept did not mean I was stupid or dumb, I was just so ignorant, I did not only not know I was too scared to ask for help which made my fears greater.
When I got married I would say that I had the emotional age of an 8 - 10 year old child, I use to sulk, I use to think and feel that if I got what I wanted I would be happy.
My unhealthy reaction to the mention of religion was due to the fact that religious people in my child hood caused me a lot of pain.
Once I gave up gambling I wanted escape in other ways, it was a hard struggle “just for today I will not gamble” once that was possible over time I would say “just for today I will not smoke” to myself and mean it.
The therapy helps us open up and trust other people once more, it starts in the spiritual recovery program helping me help myself in many ways.
Then once I am confident I take my honesty and feeling comfortable home with me in a healthy way.
When I felt vulnerable talking to recovery earching people was very helpful and even I understood what I needed to do talking to another recovering person helped me build up confidence in myself.
It is interesting how the serenity prayer changes our perspective, to understand that I am not able to change another person, yet the most important part courage to change the things I can change, myself.
I use to blame other people for how I use to feel, I use to blame other people for my unhealthy actions and me being angry.
Sadly my reaction in anger and resentments was my responsibility once you identify that I was responsible for my anger what was I going to do about it.
If it were not for the spiritual recovery program and serenity prayer there was no way in hell that I have found a content healthy life, or been able to have close intimate relationships with other people.
Walls of fear protected me from being hurt yet those same walls of fear inhibited me from having healthy interactions with all people.
The lessons are for me to understand me relating to other people healthy and unhealthy experiences and understand how I can become more selfish and live a much more healthy fulfilled life each and every day.
My steel and my recovery is being tested each and every day.
There have been several occasions when people have been very aggressive towards me and they have expected some kind of unhealthy reaction from me, that was not going to happen, they did not intimidate me in any way.
Asking for help I now understand is a sign of strength, walking in to the rooms of spiritual recovery is a sign of strength even it did not feel that way.
Once I gain more strength and become less afraid the “Just for today I will not be unhealthy today” changing to “Just for today I will be much healthier” then “Just for today I will do my best in everything I do” then I wish thinking becomes I will fulfill my wants needs and goals and write things down to give me clarity focus and healthy directions to go in my life.
Confidence is not learnt by reading text confidence grows and is gained by doing healthy actions, pride is gained by doing healthy actions, only when I respect myself am I able to respect other people.
How could I know what love was if I was constantly living in fear, how could I know what emotional intimacy was if I was constantly living in fear.
How could I possible think that I could love material things, how could I possible think that I could love doing something by my own actions that hurt myself and the very people that were to me.
How could I think that excited fear based adrenaline rush was happiness and that people close to me meant nothing at all. I would rather gamble than be with other people.
Step one very important in understanding my emotional triggers pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom, how long was it going for me to ***** and understand that the way I reacted to life and people was unhealthy.
The gambling and obsessions were just an indicator that I could not or would not cope emotionally with life and people in a healthy, yet why was this so.
I use to make mountains out of really very small mole ***, and sadly 95% of the time things never went as bad as they were in my head, why worry, why stress myself out most of my earlier life, why live in fear for so long. Living in fear is not healthy for me.
I used to be just like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere, and could see or feel that what I was doing all the time and energy was a complete waste of time and energy it was very unhealthy activity in my addictions and obsessions.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
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