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S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Dear diary.... mental health is a strange thing. Sometimes I don't realise when am not very well. But today i feel generally in a good place. Its now day 4 since I was last at work and i finally feel like iv'e switched off from work stress and am starting to look around at what positive things i can do for myself and also just generally chill.

Its slightly tempered mind by the arrival of the police. I single officer is making a visit to the flat underneath me (I think, i might be wrong). I made a complaint on Sunday to the council, which is very unlike me, normally I tolerate my neighbours. I have a live and let live attitude, but I was growing completely frustrated with the noisy child she was having to stay over... the child would shout, scream, cry and bang things in the night... clearly a very unhappy child. I was getting little sleep and then having to go to work. I think I was in my rights to complain, I hope something positive comes of it. Must admit it has been completely silent since Sunday. Its only just crossed my mind that she may well be breaking the corona virus rules by having her grand kids staying over??... maybe not.

Anyway, back to me. Iv'e done some tidying, sorting out, chucking out, hoovering. Strangely it feels like a nice little achievement. I will run later and definately no gambling.

Thanks for listening.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 12:16 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Hi SA,

You seem in a good place right now. I’m happy to read that you’re getting out running. This is no coincidence- running makes us feel good, fit and healthy. Keep it up.

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2020 4:37 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posted by: SB28

Hi SA,

 

Thanks for dropping by! I shall take the challenge up and eat those toasts 😉..not offering the drink as its no good for you so lets just stick to toast eating contest 🙂 

 

I found the pics marvellous yesterday! The one of you crossing the finish line is amazing one and you truly look so happy and shining with joy/pride!

 

The other is cute also...but you must take time out for yourself. To rest up and do what you like to do to bring that shining light back into your soul 🙂

 

And one of the ways to do so- is not gambling...you can do it and you will do it! Believe in yourself - ypu are so so worth it 🤗

 

S&B xx

This got buried away yesterday...so just a bump!

 

Hope today is a good day!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th July 2020 11:05 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks SB x

Well iv'e not gambled. It kind of helps not having any money. Iv'e made a very small amount of money last a very long time and I still haven't got to payday. No early payment this month. In a way its probably a blessing in disguise. Iv'e gone through my annual leave having spent next to nothing and going for runs and walks. No money, no temptation. I will be back at work when i get paid at which point the pay day loan people will take a third of it automatically, rent and bills will take much of the rest but even then I will still be slightly better off than I currently am... it couldn't really be much worse

It does scare me living on nothing. All you need is something unexpected to happen that might involve money and am f****d. But then ive lived this way for so long that its become my normal. I do feel very depressed today am not sure why, so am glad my wages haven't arrived early. I think maybe the long run I did yesterday was wiped me out a bit. I over did it in my enthusiasm to get fit again. I forget am not 20 something anymore. I can't quite do what i use to be able to do. I suppose that's what it is anyway. Peversely I might actually go for a run in a bit, lift my mood, otherwise am just gonna go to bed and listen to the young child underneath, awaiting his next tantrum.

Life goes on...

Thanks for listening

Every day is different

This post was modified 1 month ago by S.A
ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th July 2020 7:16 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Just been for a good run. Feeling loads better now.

Happy to be gamble free!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 10th July 2020 9:28 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Maybe I have never ever been ready to stop. I wasn't going to post ever again, cos whats the point, if am just saying the same stuff over and over again and yet doing the same actions over and over again i.e gambling. It sure is a baffling addiction isn't it?? I can just envisage certain people shaking their heads with disbelief at my continued gambling despite all my supposed wisdom, knowledge and self-awareness.

However I am compelled to write. My mate has just shown up, gaunt looking and exhausted and yet still working (Argos van outside), hasn't eaten for days he says, raging headache...and I believe him, cos ive seen it before. I checked once, I showed up at his flat and saw it completely devoid of any nourishment, not a slice of bread, not an old jar of pickled onions, absolutely nothing. He's a proud man and only ask for anything when he is so desparate that he has no idea what else to do... I guess many of us can relate to this.... ( he is gambling of course)

Well I thought to myself am not hungry and I have food and a few quid in the bank, so I gave him a fiva. He says that's like a million pounds at the moment. I says "I know". I says "I got two loafs of bread for 30p the other day". Its amazing how far a small amount of money can go when necessary. He's just left... to continue delivering "stuff", much of which folk probably don't really need.

So, there we go, am still here. I haven't gambled for a few days. I could gamble what i have left  (until am hungry like my mate), but I don't want to. We have the freedom to choose.

I have asked to go to weekly pay and they have said yes. I don't know whether this will help me or not, but what is clear is that I haven't been able to cope with living on a small amount of money for 4 weeks and then suddenly have 4 figures land in my account. I just get too excited and my emotional brain takes over, all sense and logic just goes out the window. There was a time when I could cope with it and not gamble but not for the last 3 years that's for sure.

Strangely my mental health is not too bad just now. I had a run this morning, which is always good. Had a twinge in the leg so i cut the run short. I don't want to get injured. Work is ok I can cope and i do genuinely hold out hope that I can have a better quality of life and actually start to enjoy life for whatever length of time i have left on this planet.

Thanks for listening.... And for anyone who is new to the devastating consequences of gambling addiction, please use my experiences to keep yourself motivated to stay away from that first bet, cos otherwise having gambling problems in your twenties can soon become "still" having gambling problems in yours 40's and beyond...

This post was modified 3 weeks ago by S.A
ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd July 2020 12:27 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Hi SA,

Just noticed your post. Once you stop posting then you give up on yourself. I’ve been there done that, hid away and things got worse fast. You’ve not given up on yourself. I’ll never give up responding and trying to be as supportive as I can. You’re a good person with a bad problem. I can relate to that.

I hope your change to weekly pay helps. I’d love to think you could take advantage of tackling your issues one week at a time i.e. pay bills, pay a little debt and have a little to be kind to yourself. I hope it doesn’t provide the opportunity for weekly gambling.

You have to keep trying. Yesterday I went 300 days without gambling. Before that I was in a terrible state. I’d just lost thousands and had lost the plot. You can change anytime but you’ll really need to want it. You can do it. I’m sure you know this.

Anyway, as you say, you’re still here, you still have your health, you have a job that really matters and you’re brilliant at it. You’re a nice, caring man and you can really, really change you’re life. This is well within your remit.

Take care buddy.

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd July 2020 10:12 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi SA wether you post you are gamble free or that you have gambled your story and posts are inspiring to me. To err is human and all of us working with recovery are trying to find out individual paths. I try and read everyone's threads and gain someting even negative posts can be positive for me to think" that's exactly what I don't want " ! So I would say keep posting SA no good will come from stopping. Best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd July 2020 10:32 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks both

Yes I have to keep trying. Though often I just feel like iv'e gone so far off course in life that there is no way to get back on track, if I was ever on track in the first place and its just a question of waiting for the end however that might happen. Am not suicidal or anything but quite often I don't really want to be alive anymore. I can't really see any purpose other than helping others at the end of their lives, which is a purpose of course but beyond that I feel nothing, like an empty vessel. I think my soul got fed up and f****d off to Spain and now its not coming back cos its got to quarantine.

Just got off the phone to my dad, we haven't spoken for a while. He asks the usual questions. Going on holiday this year?? nope... Girlfriend?? nope... Got some wheels?? nope. I could sense that he wanted to ask THAT question, but he didn't, so in turn I didn't have to say that ive got just enuff money to feed myself and am likely to go into rent arrears... but deep down he probably knows. he's heard it all before.. whats the point. Yes this is a bit of a pity party, but its actually good that am writing, cos when am really bad am just lying in the foetal position trying to motivate myself to move and do something constructive.... 

On a positive I met my mate up town this morning.. walk and talk.. and then i went for a run.. which in turn motivated me to phone my dad and say hello. So, anyway despite my pity party its actually an ok day today.

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th July 2020 1:46 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi S.A .Well I'm going to join the pity party for a minute. 4 things today have been positive walk,talk, run,caught up with your dad(obviously something you find challenging). If your legacy is that you help other people then that is a wonderful legacy to have. You do help people I appreciate most the posts like yourself that are honest and truthful and even though you don't feel great at the moment you are still encouraging others. Hope tomorrow brings a bit of lift for you. Take care 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th July 2020 3:15 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hey, thanks for the post SA,

 

Let me just start with - you are a good person. It hurts to see you in pain and in low emotional state but as you say - you're doing everything in your power to stay afloat. Here is run, here is call to dad...these are positive things. 

 

Dont even mention your help for elderly! Its an amazing contribution to this world! 

 

re.....well...end of life...

 

Its complicated reality huh. Yesterday i saved someone's life ( or maybe they wouldn't of gine through with it...who knows!) by simply having a long wounded conversation ..not perfect and maybe a bit messed up...and not relevant to the topic even. ..yet, it worked! Person was willing to give life another shot and went to see MH team in hospital as a result...

 

Now..the tricky bit...i come back home and feel like ending it all myself. Its beyond my understanding really! Why i cannot tell the things to myselg i tell others to make that little light at the end of the tunnel....caring stuff, "YOU ARE WORTH IT, IT WILL GET BETTER" stuff....a bit of food for thought here i guess..

 

Struggling with excersice man! Dont know how to get out of this mind f**k for sure.. my brain just not having it and that's it 🤔..any suggestions running man 😉?

 

re the anger outlets..ha! Made me laugh...you're right,  i can be a temporary tornado sweeping everywhere and then just calm as nothing happened. I do rant a lot..esp at work, i kinda have my "diarrhoea" moment with swearing amd cursing and them just get on with it. Good job everyone knows me by now lol...

 

My outlet used to be gamble..and then gym! Now...im back to the "caring" arms of my "cousin" A....not good but...lets see how i manage it all going forwards.

 

Hope you have a good day! Sorry for a long post....about ME ME ME on your thread 😐

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th July 2020 3:20 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Good Morning SA,

I hope you’re having a nice few days. Has your weekly pay started yet and if so how is that going?

I hope your getting out for a few runs.

Take care.

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st July 2020 10:59 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks both. I think about your thoughts.

Its a new month, which in my world is always a bit of a relief because it means am rounded the bend for the home straight towards another pay day, but as you rightly say RR this month it will be the start of weekly pay, so come mid month I will get a quarter of what I usually get. This will present initial difficulty because my pay day revolving lender loan company will take what they are due immediately, leaving me with enough to feed myself but not enough to pay rent. There systems will then detect a "change of circumstances" (cos its not the usual 4 figures going in) and my account maybe frozen so I can't reborow to pay rent. This is what my "catastrophising" head is telling me anyway. In reality of course I will sort it, its just a phone call to make... but trust me being on the financial edge like "all the time" is no joke... and why do i do this to myself??.. Answer, because of my compulsive need to play slots and chase some stupid feature....  I am trully tired of being such a sick puppy. I think being paid weekly will help me to stay stopped.... I haven't been able to cope with living like a pauper for 4 weeks and then having "4 figures land in my account" At the back of my mind am really looking forward to living a normal life once again, something which I have tasted before and i want to taste again.

Am extremely fatigued and very tired today. The last few days iv'e been up at 4 have done long walks to work and back in the heat. I have been thinking and acting creatively about how to feed myself. Am like a mouse ferreting about in other people's left overs in order to get by. One by-product of the pandemic is the goverment has been providing boxes of food for vulnerable people whom have been shielding. Now the reality at my place of work is that shielding people tend to have the such well stocked cupboards that in the event of nuclear war, they'd be just fine, so in reality they don't want the government extra's...so it lies around in the office doing nothing and how shall we say... while the cat's away the mice will play.

Anyway, life goes on. Today am feeling quite resilient and looking forward to better times. Iv'e gone from "not really wanting to be alive anymore" to "living each day as it comes" and "accepting life on life's terms".

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st August 2020 10:24 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi SA I to have always done the catastrophising thing sends your anxiety through the roof. Weekly pay I think is much easier to budget and I think gambling wise is better as you say you don't suddenly get that large lump of money in your account. Waiting nearly a week without money is not such a catastrophe but for your peace of mind you need to sort out the bills. I'm glad you are trying to change your mind to 'each day as it comes,' as living as you have been is draining and debilitating and that's hard. My wish for today is for peace, and hope for the future . Best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st August 2020 11:17 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks Charlieboy 🙂

Well no gambling since last post...am into double figures, that's got to be a good thing. Am so looking forward to living normally, cos at the moment am extremely fatigued from all the walking to work and back, just to save a few quid on bus fares. On a work day I must walk more than 10 miles. If I had a step counter it would be off the scale. Still another week until I start getting paid weekly. As have said before I think it well help not suddenly having 4 figures land in my account.

My mate phoned me, he's reached his pay day and was enjoying a take away. I look forward to being able to get a takeaway as and when i feel like it. I seem to spend my time walking past fish n chip shops... the smell is intoxicating. If only bookmakers smelt like pig s**t... it might make it easier not to walk in 🙂

Anyway, live goes on....

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th August 2020 9:25 am
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