Hope

Well iv'e woken up tired and cold. My hot water lasted 24 hours before it broke again. Council coming back next Wednesday. I might see if I can get a hot shower at work tomorrow.

Iv'e definately lost weight. In my current hardship iv'e forced myself to eat slower just so i can savour the food that I do have. Hopefully its a new habit I can maintain. Its not healthy just to stuff it all in and then go back for seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths. We take food for granted don't we am starting to see my lack of it as a challenge and as a way to personal growth.

Iv'e been watching lots of episodes of "I shouldn't be alive".... the episode I watched yesterday was about this bloke who tried to scale Romania's highest peak in winter. he got caught in an avalanche, thrown off a cliff, smashed his pelvis into fragments and then proceeded to drag himself through the snow and across freezing streams back to rescue and civilisation. The courage and determination to survive was amazing. That's how am gonna view recovery from gambling addiction going forward... a question of survival and the determination to survive

Thanks for listening.

Am kind of hoping that my mate don't show up to take me to a free food place... even though i could do with it. I want to be self-sufficient and resilient. I rather think he won't anyway, cos he has a "I have let him down mentality"... the sort of person that will text you constantly but then if you don't do what he wants, you won't hear from him for ages. In his own way he is just as f****d up as I am.

Well its getting on for 10 days since my addiction stripped me of every last penny I had. It really does feel quite shocking to read that sentence back to myself... but when all is said and done, it was what i had chosen to do.

I have been to the doctors this morning. As soon as I have money again I will go to the chemist to get my medication that should calm my overactive, addictive mind. My thoughts run so fast sometimes that am unable to think clearer. I have to edit and add joining words to my type as my thoughts run faster than my type.

Yesterday I worked 7 a.m till 10 P.m and walked both ways. I managed it but never again. Exhausted I was when i got home at midnight. I never should have done such a long shift. I half expected a call this morning to say that i'd messed up on medications. I can imagine what it must be like being a junior doctor. No call today though. Am still a work in progress on not being a people pleaser and doing more shifts than i can cope with. For the most part people don't want to do the job that i do, cos it doesn't pay or they don't realise how emotionally and sometimes physically challenging it can be.

Today I have the other extreme, besides visiting the doctors, I don't really know what to do with myself. I slept a bit this afternoon and have now got up feeling groggy and depressed. Am rationing food but also having moments when i just eat out of boredom and even as a form of self punishment. Slowly but surely everything is running out. But I will get to pay day, which is just around the corner and i will food shop before anything else. I just hope it comes before corona panick strips the supermarket shelves.

I woosh I could bottle how iv'e been and how iv'e felt over the last 10 days and take a sniff when i next get the urge to do the logically unthinkable, but I know that addiction doesn't work that way. Sooner or later the psychological pain will pass, my current struggles will end and the hard work of recovery will begin once more.

Thanks for listening

one day at a time, mate.

you are right, I certainly attract the weirdos! haha!

Well its another day. I seem to yo-yoing between good days and bad days. yesterday was a bad day, tired and depressed, today is a good day.

Iv'e been out for my first run in a while. It went extremely well. I am definately lighter on my feet, ran for 90 minutes with ease. My food rationing is having a positive effect, even though i'd rather not have to do it.

I also feel a sense of relief that i will make it to pay day and be able to do lots and lots of lovely food shopping, again, assuming that panick buying doesn't strip the shelves.

All in all I am reminded that when i stop gambling life starts to improve or at the very least it stops getting worse.

Life goes on....

Thanks for listening

SA,

Happy to learn that today is a good day.

I wanted to say that I hope on pay day you treat yourself to a magnificent takeaway feast wether that be pizza, chinese, Indian or whatever takes your fancy. Do something great for you.

RR

Well maybe RR

Today am just feeling quite vulnerable, not to gambling, but to the potential of hunger. I have to wait until Friday to fill my cupboards, but I note that Joe public is already panicking and for what... a virus that has a lower death rate than Flu?? I goes on to a supermarket website to discover that most of the things that I would normally buy are out of stock. I goes on to facebook to see all the pictures that people are putting up of empty shelves. I switch on the Tv to see relentless coverage of coronavirus. Are we being deliberately spooked in order to collapse society??.... is this all part of a bigger agenda??

never forget 9/11 folks and the pack of lies we were told by the mainstream media.

Anyway, paranoia apart, I await the council to come fix my hot water for the second time. I will keep myself busy today. Feeling insecure.

Thanks for listening

it's good that you are not getting swept up with the panic and hysteria - I believe this was a deliberate act of biological warfare... the best we can do is stay healthy and calm

Hi SA,

Sorry to read you are feeling insecure. Please reach out and talk to folks about the feelings.

As of media stuff, i agree completely. Making a elephant out of the mouse...but that's what they do!  Go about your bussiness as usual, take care of yourself and by that i mean, moat importantly-  food. Any foodbanks near by? 

There is no shame in getting hot food down you. You need it for survival. I guess there are kitcheners near you for such supply,..few times a day...for free. Use the opportunity SA...even churches supplies food.

Look after yourself

S&B xx

Dear @s-687,

I'm sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you and that you still have to make the long journey to and from work by foot at times when you have no other option. I'm also sorry to hear that you're still struggling with not much food, money or hot water.

Please remember that you don't have to struggle alone, especially with the lack of food.

I know I sent you some links in an earlier post, I do hope they helped you and I apologise for duplicating links to you. It may be good to speak to The Citizens Advice for support though and to discuss any options available with essential living costs, you could also mention you have an urgent prescription that you can't afford to collect.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

The food banks are able to help you with free food too so please don't feel you have to struggle alone or go hungry. Even if it's a helping hand until your next payday.

www.trusselltrust.org/get-help/find-a-foodbank/

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/emergency-assistance

Please take care, we're here if you need help with the problem gambling and putting blocks in place to prevent this happening again in the future. Especially with payday approaching, it could really help to talk things through on our helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline via our GamCare website. We're open day and night.

You can do this. These feelings and this situation are all temporary, as difficult and exhausting as they are, they will pass. You can get through this.

Sending you all the best.

Joanne 

Forum Admin

Hi SA,

How you getting by buddy? I hope you’re fine and payday is tomorrow if I recall. Ive felt bad for you all week knowing that you’re struggling without many basic comforts that most of us take for granted.

Anyway, as previously mentioned, when payday does arrive remember to treat yourself. Not just essentials, make sure you get something nice for you. I think this is important otherwise its too easy to accept difficult times. It wont be this way forever. Its within our own remit to change. I often feel with change I talk a good game but often find myself defaulting back to the old. If the old ways were comfortable I could understand but the old ways are uncomfortable, stressful and without happiness. I keep trying just like you after all what else is there to do.

RR

Thank you for your concern everyone.

I have a roof over my head.

I have food in the cupboards.

I have hot water.

Life is getting better.

Thanks for listening.

Hi SA, 

How are you getting on buddy? I hope everything is ok

RR

Well I hit the big red self-destruct button on pay day, just glad I bought food first. Commiserate or condone... its up to you. I did what i did and that's it. Its my battle and I will win it or lose it, one way or the other. I decided to tell my family. Bizarrely I also bumped into an old acquaintance and I told him to and then after a while he also admitted that he had been back at it. I realised at that moment that it is good to talk and be honest. Lying is so stressful but we do it so easily don't we?.. nobody really wants to admit to wasting their hard earned money. Strangely this is perhaps the only place where I hardly ever lie and the worst that it gets is that i delay telling the truth or sometimes lie by ommission. 

I have very much gone into survival mode, where I suppose I have been for a very long time... so its nothing new. The coronavirus doesn't really phase me and yesterday i was washing somebody with suspected coronavirus (no word of a lie)... but because my company has had problems sourcing protective gear I did it wearing just gloves and one of those useless paper masks. This fella has now been hospitalised and i guess we will find out in due course whether he has the virus. Personally I don't think he has, but if he does i will be going into lock down and rent arrears. If he doesn't then work stress will intensify as other staff go into lock down because a member of their family have symptoms or they have to stay home to look after children. The facility will reduce to skeleton staff with dozens of cacooned residents in there 80's and 90's unable to get shopping because relatives can't visit and a collapsing home delivery service.

On the face of it, it is all pretty d**n bleak, but like i say iv'e gone into survival mode. I ain't gonna collapse in a heap and lose hope. I will survive and if I don't my spirit will move on.

Thanks for listening

Hi SA,

Sorry to read that you gambled on payday. I’m sad and frustrated for you but I’m certainly not frustrated with you. This is a tough and horrible addiction and I’m nobody to judge. I’ve done some absolutely bonkers things during my time with this addiction. So with me its nothing but sympathy and understanding.

I’m sad because I like you very much and don't like to see you like this. I’m frustrated because I want to help but don’t see how I can.

My frustration also develops and grows from knowing that once upon a time I couldn’t get through a day or week without gambling until eventually I stopped and realised that I could, in fact, stay stopped and for long periods (longest was four years). If I gambled today I’d be at like a maniac for months on end non stop and high stakes.

Although it’s personal to you I hope telling your family was worthwhile and hope that perhaps they could help in some way.

RR

Thank you RR.... well if the current pandemic situation doesn't provide sufficient motivation to stay stopped I don't know what is. Like you RR I know what its like to stay stopped for long periods of time and i really don't understand myself why i have found if so difficult to stay stopped this time around. But it is what it is.

Like everyone else I am very much just taking each day as it comes. I have sufficient food for now and I won't be going to the shops, cos it stresses me out watching other stressed out people stripping the shelves. One would think that the panick buyers would have had got enough by now and everyone will just start to calm down but I don't suppose its going to be that way for a while yet. You get the feeling that anything is possible over the coming days and weeks. Alien invasion anyone??

Anyway for me, addiction remains my biggest threat, covid 19 is highly unlikely to kill me but gambling just might.

Thanks for listening

P.s am frustrated that am without hot water yet again. have to wait till next week for the councils 3rd try at fixing the problem.