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freda
(@freda)

My moods are also unstable. 

Dunno about you but I need more connection. Good quality connection, not people who are rude and unkind. That's what makes me reluctant to try. So it feels like a trap. We all get caught in traps, catch 22's.

Where are all of the healthy, well-adjusted people?! I want to hang out with them.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 5th October 2019 12:48 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Not sure where all the well adjusted people are Freda... I will keep my eyes peeled 🙂

Dear diary,

Just got off the phone to my dad. We don't speak that often, should speak more, especially now that he reaches the tale end of his life. He is undergoing treatment for cancer, a treatable cancer but cancer nonetheless. I feel guilty for not being more of a presence in his life... especially after the sacrifices he made for me and my upbringing. I made a slightly jokey comment about looking after everybody else's parents except my own, which I now regret saying. Cos the reality is that its true. This is also the reality of my addiction, it tends to distance me from my own family.

.... no urges to gamble, its only been 3 weeks, but this time it feels like its my time. I notice that am starting to settle in my thoughts, starting to calm down a bit, even though life's problems remain.

Onwards and thanks for listening.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th October 2019 11:32 am
freda
(@freda)

Sounds like you are doing great. I don't speak to my parents often, either. It's hard when you are not close.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th October 2019 9:00 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Day 24 Gf

The first challenge to recovery is coming up. It turns out that am not going to be paid weekly. So next week I will have a lump of money arrive in my bank account for the month. I know for sure that I will pay my rent and Council tax straight off.... but the stress I feel at the moment is a debt to the DWP whom have been threatening an "attachment of earnings". Now I have done the right thing and phoned them and set up a payment plan which won't actually start until November BUT my gambling head says "get shot of this debt now!".... a couple of wins and you can pay em off. 

I know this is old behaviour and addict thinking but its hard to dismiss these thoughts, its just hard. Am feeling impatient... any words of wisdom for my deluded thinking will be most welcome? 

Thanks for listening

This post was modified 1 month ago by S.A
ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th October 2019 9:35 am
Redeemed
(@redeemed)

I would list your priorities and on payday get them all in a position to last through to the next month.

Rent, council tax, food, heating, electricity, water, transport to work, phone, clothing etc etc. Look at a budgeting website to see where your money needs to go. Then put it there.

The DWP would probably want to know your outgoings anyway so that any attachment of earnings is affordable.

Ignore your 'gambling head' because that's full of delusional ideas which have been put there by the addiction. You'll only give it back if you win anything, so why bother?

If it feels hard, that's just because there isn't enough distance between you and the old ways yet.

It'll get easier as time goes on.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th October 2019 10:41 am
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Hi there,

I feel your pain.

What if you gamble and win? Would you be able to stop or even cash out?

What if you gamble and lose? What then?

I think the safest route is to not gamble. Give your head a few more days to process the situation. I wish you well.

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th October 2019 2:06 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

I chose to gamble and lost almost everything

Am experiencing all the usual let down emotions and worry about how to get through the month

Had managed a month this time.

You'd think i'd know better after all these years feeding addiction, but I don't.

Have done even more self-exclusions.

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd October 2019 8:34 am
Paul.S
(@paul-s)

Hello SA,

Has been a while since I’ve ventured on these diaries but I do intermittently follow your path.

You of late been have writing very clearly and with an obvious insight, which you’ve picked up during your rocky path of rediscovery. So firstly give your self a break!

To be really able to understand the situation that you find yourself in with relapses is so very hard whilst your so involved and not satisfying some basic human needs. And, I’m afraid to say you will continue in this damaging cycle, untill changes are made and the pain required to venture outside of your comfort zone.

There’s a lot of similarities with the two of us. And you know deep down that your never gonna to be able to get on the true path that is achievable by yourself. You, by hook or by crook need to learn to reach out and accept that your ego is holding you back and seek the outside help you clearly need.

You, I believe and by following your story is a true empath, which is very admirable, yet a bit-ch without the necessary barriers in place. 

My readings of late, is not looking so much at the unhealthy mental state that I tend to progressively fall into but try to see what an actual healthy mind IS ? This led me to self actualisation and also to realise that to varying degrees the great majority of people have some degree of poor mental health. I got into the hierarchy of human needs and realised I was depriving my self of many of these on a regular basis, hence why just like yourself from a period of clarity, I tend to let my self slip because I go it alone.

I really don’t know if any of the above makes sense, but delivered with sincerity.

V

 

This post was modified 4 weeks ago 2 times by Paul.S
ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd October 2019 8:54 pm
RouletteRegret
(@rouletteregret)

Hi SA

So sorry to read your post and learn that you are hurting today.

I don’t really know what to say other than I hope you’re ok 

RR

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd October 2019 9:07 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thank you both for your support. 🙂

Am ok.

I want to start practising mindfulness and finally start to get to grips with my emotional immaturity.

Thanks for listening

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th October 2019 9:12 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi...

 

Mindfulness sounds like a good plan. Once upon a time it has helped me loads. Just stick to it, rediscover your soul. You can do it SA 🙂

 

Thank you so much for staying by my side behind the scenes all this time...very appreciated and was also heartwarming.

 

Stay safe - stay you! (& *** on with the inner adventure...it will bring many benefits!)

 

Ps..this made me think of ...maybe struggles human beings faces..and maybe a element of hope and light in everyones life...and also reminder to change a headlight bulb for my car lol 😂)

 

Love & best wishes

 

https://youtu.be/inb8MMZ-QmA

 

S&B xx

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th October 2019 5:46 pm
freda
(@freda)

Aww, mate. It's not easy, this recovery lark. 

I think you know by now that progress is not only measured by days since last bet, but changes made and cycles broken count, too.

f x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th October 2019 6:42 pm
Boro
 Boro
(@boro)

I have read your diary for a long time and one thing I can say about you, you always tell the truth. Your diary is one of the most honest on here mate and I’m backing you to get a grip of this addiction.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 26th October 2019 9:13 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Thanks all.

Well if ya can't be honest on here under a pseudonym, then your in trouble. I suppose in some respects I just come here to process my dirty laundry. I come from a shame based family or that's how it feels as evidenced by a usual delay between a gambling episode and then writing about it on here. Once iv'e written about it on here then I can move on. No gambling since last entry by the way but I can appreciate other peoples frustrations with the likes of me coming here and writing the same old s**t. If nothing else though my diary can demonstrate the futility of gambling to others.

I was watching a youtube video the other day about addictions. It was talking about the locus of control of the addict being external. The reality of this is that the average addict has at least half a dozen addictions and usually more which cause varying degrees of harm to self. According to the author of the video it is perfectly possible to be addicted to "thinking" which I thought was an interesting one. I had a good "think" about that :-). In short anything that takes you away from self and your own existential loneliness. It suggests that we all need to spend time just sitting with it and feel it and let it pass, rather than escape into gambling, drinking, drugs, work, television, computer games, P**n, food, s*x, online forums (me!), over thinking, criticising, smoking, sugar, caffeine and so the list goes on...

Thanks for listening

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th October 2019 7:09 am
Boro
 Boro
(@boro)

I wasn’t talking about you on my diary mate. When I said saying the same s**t.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th October 2019 7:45 am
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