Thank you both, pleased to say, no gambling since last post.
I feel like ive been on the edge of living a normal life for quite sometime now and yet I haven't quite been able to convert this into reality.
I can talk recovery until the cows come home.
I want to walk the walk and not just talk the talk.
A few years ago I use to walk the walk.
I can do it again.
Please to say that no gambling since my last post. Am still very sick in the head though, cos the thoughts are there.... 50 P spins i says to myself... its been triggered by an unexpected electric bill... they can't seem to make up there mind whether to charge me monthly or quarterly..anyway its landed today. Ive also got my first payslip from my new employer... I think they have messed up, cos what I got in my bank account is not what it says on my payslip and yes i got more than expected and yes that money no longer exists, cos I gambled it in my last binge. I will keep quiet of course but am sure in time there mistake will come to light and I will have to pay it back. Also I owe money elsewhere. Also am being encouraged to go out for a curry on friday with colleagues. I won't go of course.. got no money. As always I never thought of any of these consequences when i was in action
But my sick head still says... win it back, win the money... glory or bust. But my sick head can go f**k off. I will distract myself and take no money out with me. Am not gonna do it. Am gonna be good to myself by not gambling and just deal with lifes curved b alls as best i can.
Thanks for listening
Hope all is well and those thoughts has subsided. We both know that thoughts wont hurt us - actions will. No matter how annoying they may get, they're only thoughts - illusion.
Keep the pennies to yourself...believe me or not, they do add up..takes time but what doesnt in this life 🙂
Much love and keep staying safe SA.
Random alert...was just thinking about the jobs and what they bring to us or...shall i say - what we bring to them...or best way to put it - how can we get the best out of two worlds.
Surely you have some funny moments to share..there must be something out of the book of " I couldn't make this stuff up".
I have one! - imagine somebody practicing ballet on a dual carriageway...in tutu...in the middle of the night!..now, i guess i know what you thinking but as always there is a logical explanation to everything in this life...when you eventually find it 😂 (or make one up 🙈).
Go on, your turn. ..
Ps. Hope that smile on your face has also lifted your spirits for the day.
Keep up good work & as you say - i think you're doing mighty well SA 😉
Nighty - nite!
Closure of random alert 😁
Thanks both... random alerts always welcome. I have many funny moments, but will save them for another day 🙂 x
Well its exactly 3 months till Christmas... and if I stay stopped I should by then be entering the world of normal living. I do look forward to the day when i can just pop into a coffee shop and spend £3 on a coffee and not have to think about whether I can afford it or not.
Not much else to say, just checking in like i do.
I was lying in bed last night, just back from the late shift. I was tired and had gone straight to bed. But could I sleep... nope absolutely not! My body was still but my mind was buzzing my mind was going absolutely crazy. When I closed my eyes I could almost see the neurones in my brain firing off, chattering away, tens of millions of them. I could see countless points of light on the insides of my eyelids, so numerous and chaotic and intense and beautiful in there own way.
It wasn't the sort of sensations and visions and feelings that you might have after getting into bed and trying to sleep when drunk. My head wasn't spinning quite in that way. I wasn't feeling physically ill but I was buzzing and in that sense it was slightly unpleasant. Eventually I dropped off to sleep and I remember having intense vivid dreams which frustratingly the details of which I can no longer remember but I think i was constantly waking up and then going straight back into another intense dream and then waking again.
I guess what I experienced was my brain trying to process what had been going on for me that day. It had been a fairly stressful shift. The trigger point for the stress had been when i had tried to give a resident her controlled drugs but I couldn't find the controlled drug book. Me and my colleague had thought that the resident had hidden it (she has early stage dementia) but as it turned out it was in the office just lying on a table. I found it frustrating that the senior staff that had taken it from the apartment (to do with whatever) and then not returned it or told anybody that it needed returning. This sort of thing happens all the time at my work, things get taken to the office from apartments and then not returned and then the next shift doesn't have what they need when they need it.
Its these sort of events, its these sort of day to day frustrations with others that really gets me wound up. Sometimes its the little things that some how morph into big things on an emotional level but then 48 hours later you end up wondering what all the fuss was about and it passes into history. My nervous system sometimes reacts so strongly that i really don't know what to make of it. But what I do know is that it can be a trully exhausting experience.
The mind and the body fascinates me. The older I get the more I think about the nature of being human. What is being alive? What is consciousness? Why are we here? What is my purpose? What can I do that free's myself from the constraints I place upon myself?
I come to belief that we have an imprint of all our memories in our sub-concious. I come to belief that there is a mechanism to free us or set aside painful memories so that we can focus upon positive memories and experiences but that the painful ones are still there but hidden from view in the here and now.
I think this is why addictions continue for years in my opinion. I feel the pain of a gambling binge and all its consequences very strongly (don't we all) but then the pain soon gets forgotten (next pay day perhaps) and all that we conciously remember is the good bits of our addictive behaviour, the wins and the euphoria that went with it. It makes me think of GA meetings in that some of the reasons that long term abstainers still attend meetings is that they need to see and feel the pain of other addicts in order to get in touch with there own pain from there own gambling, long since left in the past.
I need to keep in touch with own pain in order not to repeat it. Am still a work in progress.. arent we all?
Thanks for listening
Well am officially doing a 4 day week going forward and today i have another day off. I am still being asked to do more but am being strong and saying no... which for me is not an easy thing to do, being a people pleaser and all that. Its even harder because I am sooo financially poor and living on borrowed money. But do you know what I don't care. If it helps my stress levels come down and gives me opportunities to do other stuff just for myself then that's a good thing.
Soon I will be going to weekly pay which am sure will help with my addiction. Having 4 figures going into my bank account once a month has been a nightmare. Every month for the last 3 plus years, ive been back living on borrowed money within a week or at most 10 days from getting paid... sad, but true.
No urges to gamble today... I feel like ive been on the verge of staying gamble free for sometime now. Am now starting to make it a reality.
Thanks for listening
I feel you on the little things, front. When you are stressed and busy, a stupid little thing that makes things 10x harder just makes you want to take a tantrum - well, for me, it does. I'm amazed I didn't tell anyone to eff off yesterday. One of the managers asked me if I could return some handsets into their docks, yesterday, just as myself and a colleague were dealing with 6 red lights on the tills at once. Through clenched teeth, I said of course, once we've dealt with these red lights, we are experiencing a bit of a rush at the moment. Several things ran through my mind - is he completely oblivious to the fact we are both clearly rushed off our feet? Perhaps he's a weird wind-up merchant who can say these things with a straight face, just to get people annoyed? Maybe he needs a good punch in the face? hahaha! You have to laugh, eh?
Much respect to you for saying no. Just keep breaking old self-destructive, self-unkind cycles and everything else will sort itself out. I truly believe that. I hope you see the progress that I do 🙂
Hi Freda... and yes its frustrating isn't it... when manager type people are oblivious to what is going on around them and are only concerned with delegating stuff. A good manager can assess the situation in the moment and react appropriately.
Must admit am dreading going into work today. I think am gonna be very busy and at times out of my depth. We have people that need nursing care and yet none of us are nurses. Where I work is supposedly independant living... but its not. We have one lady whom has come out of hospital, heart failure, legs the size of tree trunks, can barely walk, completely dependant on staff. Another whom is bed bound, lots of rolling, pads and creams. two others are hoist care... on it goes. It feels like such a responsibility especially when there are only 3 of us on the late shift... with usually one whom is not allowed to give meds... it can get very stressy.
Underneath all of this is the stench of money. Its cheaper to keep people in a setting like this than have them in a proper care home. Across the country you have sick, disabled and elderly people in completely inappropriate settings being supported by unqualified and stressed out staff. The social care system is broken in this country.
So, anyway, now that have worked myself up into a lather I can try and calm myself before going to work. Well i can try anyway.
It does put my gambling into some sort of perspective doesn't it? Stress calm myself through trance like gambling and then mega stress when I come out of my trance. This cycle will be broken. No gambling
Thanks for listening
Well I was a stress head when I arrived at work yesterday, but I settled as the shift went along and it turned out fine. I walked to work and back and saved myself £3. I stopped off at the supermarket and bought a 50p pasta salad in the reduced section and a 45p bottle of flavoured water. Total outlay for the day 95p, less than the cost of a typical spin on a slot machine.
In my mind it certainly puts gambling into perspective and gets me realising (once again) how little money I actually need for day to day life. Having said all of that I am looking forward to the day when I don't "have" to ferret around in the reduced section or think about whether I can afford to get a bus or not. I wont know until later in October as to where exactly I stand with money and paying my way and living normally and still being able to service my debts (which I do want to do) etc etc. The money thing is stressing me but not giving rise to urges to gamble at the moment. Deep down I know that things will start to improve as gamble free time passes. I am certainly not at rock bottom now. I am definately hopeful.
Thanks for listening
Another day gamble free. Am feeling hopeful moving forward. There are certain things that I have come to accept about myself, my life and how iv'e lived it. Am not gonna beat myself up any more. My gambling only amplifies my underlying depression and low self-esteem... so am not gonna do it anymore! 🙂
Am back reading and writing lots which is always a good sign for me. It means am starting to work recovery.
This will be the last month where I have to make difficult phone calls to delay or spread or negotiate payments. I don't have to live this way. Its been my choice but now I choose a different path.
Thanks for listening
Thanks Freda... well I do hope so.
I am enjoying posting at the moment, which is generally a good thing but it also is a distraction from my own problems.
My money situation is dire. I have calls I need to make but am not making them. I feel pressure. I woosh I could fast forward a month and see how things stand then but I can't life doesn't work that way. No urges to gamble mind I like to eat and if I gamble I will have no money for food.
My moods are unstable. I went for a run yesterday and I was feeling great but by the end of the day I had slipped into quite an intense depression. Just got to stick with it. My moods will settle in time as long as I stay stopped.
I am evolving.
Thanks for listening
It is a good topic hope and faith.
I am non religious person.
Yet I do understand how important recovery was for me.
I walked in to the recovery program not understanding that when I said to myself who cares any way I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Why did I say to myself who cares any way was it anger frustration fears loneliness or boredom.
My anger frustration fears loneliness or boredom were my emotional triggers.
I experienced some very painful events in my life and was unable to heal from those events.
Each unresolved pain or unhealed pain caused fears in me that I did not understand.
My frustration were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life an situations, when things did not go my way I caused myself more pain.
Sadly I had the unhealthy habit of having unreasonable expectations of people life an situations, why did I not learn from the serenity prayer, I am not able to change other people, yet I am able to reduce my unhealthy reactions to expectations of people life an situations.
To remember that by my own frustration I was hurting myself, I was inflicting pain up on myself which caused me to have more fears.
My communication skills were not very healthy on walking in the the recovery program.
The recovery program is about healing, if I am not willing to admit to myself that I have pains in me I am not able to heal them.
The recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, or even about who is good or bad, the recovery program is about healing and getting healthy.
If I am not willing to admit to myself what is healthy or unhealthy, I am unable to change.
The recovery program had enabled me to give therapies and no longer talk about money or gambling.
The healthy people in the recovery program have encouraged me to talk about the solutions not talk about the symptoms.
Money last can not be changed it is gone, only when I let go of that simple fact I can move on with my life.
It was hard to pay money back owed, yet by doing so I was becoming more mature and accountable to myself.
In time debts were paid and we wee given more choice with our life.
The recovery program is not the easy answer, there is no short cuts, in order for me to become healthy I needed to get my a*s in to gear.
The recovery program was very much baby steps for me.
It took me many years for my emotional age and my physical age gap to reduce.
The recovery program is only a manual to a healthy life.
Just because you read a car manual the car is not going to fix itself.
Our healthy actions and healthy words generate a healthy relationship with myself and with other people.
Our healthy actions and healthy words generate pride in our self.
With our healthy actions and healthy words generate hope and faith in our self.
No one could do my recovery for me.
The reason I lied was because I feared being rejected and abandoned, with each lie comes more fears.