My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I can feel fine for a few hours and then I drop into the depths of despair and then I can feel happy and cheerful for no apparent reason. Woke up feeling scared and worried this morning but now that's kind of drifted away a bit. I have a doctors appointment booked and this time I will take the inevitable meds that will be prescribed. I still have the prescription from a year ago that I never took to the chemist, firstly because I didn't have the 8 pounds and then because I thought I was ok.
I can't decide what to do about work, other than I won't be taking a pay cut. I think this new company will be just as bad as the old one. The boss was not in yesterday. The bottom line for them I think is cutting costs and making a profit. It became a sad state of affairs when they privatised care.
And then I guess the bottom line for me is not making any rash decisions and more importantly not gambling. My financial situation is dire. Am so tired of lurching from one crisis to the next and yes 90% of my crisies are directly caused by my addiction and the other 10% are indirectly caused by my addiction. I feel like such a numpty for going through life like this.
Thanks for listening
Yes.. Iv'e been watching some of his youtube video's. He makes so much sense. Mind and body interconnected. Stressed babies learning to surpress emotions to protect the bond with the care giver... fast forward to adult hood.. similar sub-concious processes going on... makes us ill physically and mentally. None of it is anybody's fault, its just the way that the human mind and body works. No blame. Following on from this I remind myself that as a caregiver I need to learn to say "no" and to look after and nurture myself. Be kind to others and continue to care but always take time out for myself and my own needs.
Today I have accepted a 28 hour contract... 35 hours was offered but I said NO. What it means in practice is 4 shifts a week.. thats it.. 4 on 3 off... finding a balance. It feels right for the time being.
Main priority... no gambling...to stay stopped and seek support to stay stopped. Money is so very very tight at the moment. My mantra is "rent first".... gotta keep roof over my head. So tired of living on the edge. Its all ive ever known. I can do this.
Thanks for listening
No gambling since last post. Practical barriers in place. I am feeling the pressure though... a week till I get paid something. I know roughly how much it will be (a lot less than usual) but I don't know how much my online lender will automatically take from my account. I want to phone them to ask if they can halt automatic pay back this month so I can decide how much to pay back. But i worry that if i do this they will stop any further borrowing. Unfortunately I will need to borrow something just for survival purposes. My mantra this month is "pay rent, every thing else can wait".
Am also feeling work pressure. Am working the weekends and as always am likely to be on with either inexperienced or agency staff and it will be assumed that i will take the lead and sort things out as necessary because thats what folks are use to. In reality i'd love just to go in, somebody hand me my job card and I go off and do what i need to do and then go home. Just at the moment I don't need "additional pressure" because am struggling to cope with it.
These are the some of the consequences folks of many years of compulsive gambling: financial stress, emotional stress and a life lived on the edge.
Having said all of this am working recovery this time and this place is part of it. When I read and write it helps me. It helps me not to gamble.
Thanks for listening
No gambling since my last post... but feeling really quite dejected. I am a gambling addict. So many years of self-destructive behaviour. I was lying in bed just thinking about the number of times ive found myself just standing in some street in total shock, having just blown my money again.... and then to continue to repeat the behaviour (admittedly with some longish gaps) over and over again for atleast 25 years... its so sad... I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy.
Am just off the phone from Virgin media. I haven't paid my bill on time for 3 years. Its always due just before pay day and every month I have to phone them up saying ive got no money. Even this is an addict like behaviour cos I find my internet connection is more important than paying the water bill, which am seldom up to date with either. I do pay it mind when i have some money. Most people I know don't pay it at all, simply on the thinking that they are not allowed to cut you off so why bother. Most people I know also don't buy a tv license and if someone comes a knocking they just don't answer the door.. said person goes away. Am not like this though. If ive got the money I pay my way. I am a responsible person and I feel bad when I can't pay for stuff because of my gambling.
My current hole ive dug for myself feels like quite a deep one. It will take time to recover both financially but more importantly emotionally. Am back working but inside I struggle. Am still having lots of demands placed upon me. My last 3 shifts ive had to do all the meds on my own and shift lead even though I don't want to. Its hard. No work today but I feel ever so low. usually my mood picks up as the day goes along. No gambling.
Thanks for listening
We hope that your moods picks up too today. Have your phone company mentioned to move your payment date to the day you get paid? We are glad that you are getting support from our forum, a safe space where you can share your feelings. We are here for you our via helpline and Netline if you ever need to talk to us too.
Take care, try to do something nice for yourself today - it does not have to cost money.
Thanks Freda x
Well its 9/11 and another anniversary of that horrific false flag event. I want to go on a big rant about it but I think I'd better just leave it at that.
I feel like am starting to settle into a non-gambling state of mind. My thoughts are not racing through my mind quite as quickly as they were. I don't feel quite so panick stricken. Am starting to calm myself.
Thanks for listening
Am taking a break from the site.
Despite all my fine words, its all come to nothing.
I dun my b******s today.
Its not the end of the world, rent paid and a few quid left for food and bus tickets but my actions are all just a bit pathetic. irresponsible to myself in the extreme.
I will get there one of these days.
All for now I will be ok and thanks for listening
Thursday morning. Am off work. Its 9.00 a.m. Knock on the door. Its my mate. I know its not good. his car is not outside. It means he's sold it. He's just walked 5 miles to get here. Anyway not a penny to his name and he's hungry. he tells his story. he came within a couple of days of his court date for eviction. Somehow he's managed to avert it, problem with his universal credit or something but the original problem was caused by gambling of course. Anyway I have food we eat. Knock knock knock, other mate shows up. Can he use my phone, his electric company are threatening to disconnect him cos they say he hasn't paid them anything for 18 months. he uses phone. he makes little progress. he is also high as a kite cos he's just been paid his universal credit... he's got a "cert" on some horse race, wants to watch the racing on the telly. So anyway, ive got one compulsive gambler at rock bottom, another compulsive gambler in "action" and me another compulsive gambler who's trying to stop... anyway fast forward to Friday.
Rightly or wrongly I decide to bail out my mate at rock bottom... this is of course against all the advice i'd give someone else... and this is where it goes wrong for me. I'd actually got paid more than I thought i'd get, so in theory the bailout shouldn't have impacted upon me to any great extent. But of course my addiction says otherwise. Win it back... so of course I tried and quickly lost almost everything. I am still very sick. I only stopped when the cash point said no. What a numpty... am feeling very low and frustrated with myself. To top it all off when I did eventually switch my phone back on (I switch it off if am gambling) I have a text from my sister to say that my dad has cancerous growths in his lungs... and then I immediately feel like the lowest of the low.
On it goes, on it goes.... To top it all off a blumin advert came up on my screen and it said "live to play slots".... how ironic... that's how my life has been. Was that the plan all along?? Any spiritual guidance??
I hear your struggles and my heart aches seeing you suffering. Youre one of the kindest souls i ever came accross in this life and you truly deserve the best in life.
Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? We are not on this earth to suffer. We are here to for a reason, to share love, contentment and good vibes. ..yet, we seem to stand on the sidelines willing others on for the same, being cheerful for their happiness and freedom....yet...what about us?
What about us dear SA.
End the suffering..you deserve so much more. Life is very short however its never too late to start claiming it back.
Aw mate, I've always had mixed feelings about getting too close to other addicts. When you talked about the people you come into contact with, it all sounds so grim. Their circumstances so dire. It would make me feel desolate and in need of escape. Then again, for some people, it's good medicine being around other addicts and seeing the chaos it causes them.
Sorry to hear about your Dad.