I feel gutted today after a big binge and have a raging headache..am all out of words.. just want to get back on track. Life feels better without gambling... and at this moment in time I feel pretty cr**P.
Dear gambling Addiction,
Well to be honest i don't think you deserve to be called Dear cos your anything but. Your a scheming manipulative b*****d... nothing more!
You promised me a little fun a little light relief from the pressures of life and o yes lots of extra money. All that money you faithfully prmised. But o know all you really brought me was financial drain and personal misery over and over and over again to the point that i just wanted to die. You conniving b*****d!
And not only did you not live up too your promises you had the ****** gaul to watch me pick up the pieces and start to put my life back together only then to come back with yet more promises to be different this time different from the /////// from the past. But o no it was just more of the ****** same wasn't it. You b*****d! You smug b*****d!!
Goodbye and good riddance I don't want nothing to do with you anymore. I am a happier human being without the likes of you. Your no friend of mine. Your my history and not my future. The end.
For anyone stumbling across my diary, My vice is Slots Slot machines have been my curse for many years. Some of the consequnces have been as follows...
1. Debt leading to Bankruptcy
2. Emotional break down and suicidal thoughts on many occasions
3. Periods when ive been unable to work due to 2. and 1.
4. Missed oppurtunities due to 3. 2. and 1.
Gambling only leads to misery and despair. Stay well clear!
Labbi Sifre... I got the...
Glad you ahve started your diary, have replied to you on teh New Members Section but wanted to pop in and say hi..
Sorry that you are feeling cr** - but as you know it will get better and teh cr** day will simply pass..
The last 3 years have mot been a waste they have helped you to recognise what you need to do and where you want to be..
A Warm Welcome
Thank you Lucy for your warm reply and yes the cr** has passed. The panic of my gambling episode has passed and I am and feel very much back on track.
I am able to remind myself how far i have come from the bad old days where gambling for me was a daily occurence and all consuming. I feel under quite alot of stress in life at the moment and have been for several months but I am coping. I am stronger than i think sometimes. I have strength of character. I am not the frightened mouse that i once was. I am able to embrace life and whatever it may send my way without using gambling as an avoidance tactic.
Am not in best sorts this evening. low in mood.. bit depressed..bit apathetic..kind of shrugging my shoulders in a child like way..bit sulky. I notice i get like this when I have been feeling angry about stuff which i have..I have been surpressing the anger and all that.
I think the goings on at my work contributed to my slip 11 days ago. I guess I had not been coping with it that well. This evening i feel sad but thank fully no urges to gamble. I am still proud of the fact that i have only gambled once in the last 3 and a bit years..so well done to me!
Its felt quite hard again today..an air of miserableness about me and feeling tired and listless. Trying to motivate myself to start looking for another job but struggling to do so. I feel my confidence starting to ebb away. i guess its just how I feel today and tommoroow I may feel differently.
I think one positive thing that.. having been feeling down this evening i did manage to pick up the phone and have a chat to a mate which has lifted my spirits a little. Also I went for a swim earlier which always helps. Thank fully no urges to gamble.
Am feeling quite a bit better than i did yesterday or the day before for that matter. Nothing like a good nights sleep. I think it also demonstrates how much issues to do with work are getting to me at the moment. I think it gradually builds up during the week. Anyway the weather is good I will try to enjoy the weekend while it lasts. No urges to gamble.
Normally I can sleep at night. This night I cant. Perhaps its the warmth or perhaps its the fact that I feel stressed. Ive felt this low level stress for months now..work related. I feel angry about things. I need to be taking action to find myself a new job and yet I seem not to be doing so. I am procrastinating. I feel worried and anxious about the future. I have been comfort eating this evening probably another reason i cannot sleep. No urges to gamble though.. have just arrived at day 16 gamble free.
Tired. Fed up. Am not so happy with how i handled myself and my emotions today. Is no surprise I spose after only a little sleep last night. How easilly I can be thrown off balance. I am generally in bad headspace at the moment..fortunately it has not led to urges to gamble..not today anyway..not at this moment in time. My thoughts are confused..time to sleep if i can.
Another difficult day..work pre-occupies my thoughts once again. An emotional rollercoaster it is just not as bad as it use to be when I was gambling. I am proud of myself that I can cope without running to gambling but everything feels difficult at the moment. I feel angry about this that and the other. Sometimes I worry that i will lose the plot one day and shout at someone I didn't want to shout at. Anyway the situation at my work will resolve itself soon. Just take things as they come.. one day at a time and all that. 17 days since my slip. No urges to gamble today.
Ive had a s**t day..emotions all over the place. Its all happening at work now..am struggling to see the wood for the trees. Am taking a pragmatic approach and just trying to look after myself and my own interests..its not easy though. I have strength of character and will see myself through my current difficulties. I am dealing with lifes problems without escaping to gambling..18 days since my slip. No urges to gamble at this time.
I've had a better day than yesterday.. though I feel tired and worn out and run down. However I am making the effort to eat properly and have stayed off any alcohol the last few days. My inner strength remains solid and no urges to gamble. Its helping me to write a little something in my diary on a daily basis at the moment. Kind of helps to put the day into some sort of order, some sort of perspective.
Well another day passes gambling free. have just got back from a meal and a few beers with a mate. Had the option of more beer and a club put decided not to. Good move i think am not feeling great.. my thoughts are a bit all over the place.. stress levels still high from recent developments at work and am just generally tired and ill looking.
In the past i'd probably gone for a session and v.late night and then woken the following day with alcohol melancholly and then gone and gambled to cheer myself up..not any more though.. am getting older and wiser or older atleast lol Its a question of self-protection and being good to myself I think. Anyway no urges to gamble so thats good.
Love how you have out it - self protection. That is so spot on..
Protecting ourselves is not as easy as it sounds but lol I am working on it..
Sleep - I find that if I am good to myself and get some sleep what struggles that come my way are that little bit easier to manage.
Sorry you are feeling stressed out at work.. I used to get all worked up about stuff and people at work now I tend to say fiddly flower pettals, or tell myself dignity and pride and it makes me smile as I tell mysefl in my head with dealing with others at work. kinda of takes the edge of things..
Be proud of how you are dealing with YOU. Its a slow process.. But you will get where you want to be..
Love & HUgs
Thanks for your thoughts Lucy 🙂
As you say "fiddle flower pettals", anything to help put a smile on ones face. i am really am not looking forward to going into work tomorrow but such is life. I remind myself that often when I think its gonna be a difficult day it often turns out to be fine.
And as you say Lucy..to get good sleep also helps to deal with life the following day and the problems one may face. The same goes of course for eating well..when i eat well i feel more alive.
And the same goes for exercise.. today i managed 8km plus on the tread mill in 45 mins.. am very pleased with that. I am enjoying the healthy glow that follows. Chicken stir fry for tea..nice 🙂
No urges to gamble today..3 weeks since my slip.