Holly’s diary

Hi Holly

Well done on getting to 7 days gamble free - that's fantastic! 

How are you getting on with everything this week?

Warmest wishes

Zoe

Forum Admin

Well done on 7 days holly hope you are well    Scotty ??

Hi 

Thanks for responses and checking in.
 I’m 18 today ! 
I’m coping quite well at the moment but have been very busy and that has helped so much . 
Still early days and taking one day at a time but I know in my head and heart this is clicking finally ! 
Love Holly x 

21 days today !! 

Well done Holly. You should be very proud of yourself.

Thank you means a lot 

How are you doing ?

Holly 

I’m doing well thanks. I’m 18 days gf today and fell really well.

Still get the occasional urge and had to fight a few battles financially but all pretty much under control which is allowing me to focus on my recovery.

The place I was in 18days ago seems a far away place now.

Onwards and upwards.

That’s so good to hear 

Keep going in it together 

So supposed to be writing 34 days and I made the biggest mistake of having a go tonight. 
I have come so far and I don’t know why but I had an old account linked to my husband and I tried it and that was it in and hooked and we all know what came next !! 

I knew what I was doing was wrong and that feeling of dread anxiety has all come flooding back.  I was just starting to feel myself again with those feelings starting to subside every day I didn’t press that button .

I have yet to tell my husband he was just starting to understand and I go and do it all again to him, that’s the worst bit I think the look on his face when I tell him. ...

I have blocked that account and will have to tell him how I got onto it and how I found an old phone so could access it .  I have now added Gamban to that device too .

I feel stupid like I have let myself down and my Family yet again. .

But going forward I have to tell myself 34 days is a big step forward and i have come on here being honest about the relapse and telling myself I can carry on GF, tomorrow is a new day and I have to re set and go again . 
Holly you can and will do this 

Holly 

So feel so much better from Monday 

Had my Counselling session discussed the difference between lapse and relapse and I didn’t realise there was a difference,I now see I had a lapse discussed how it can happen and talked through recognising how I was  getting to that point. 
Going forward I hope to be able to see the signs and be able to use everything we have discussed to make sure I don’t act on the impulse . Even though I was so ashamed of myself for the lapse I have to see it as part of my recovery going forward and what I did do was admit it talk about it and main thing did not carry on in that mind set .
So for me it’s 37  today and I’m proud to say that  Just still taking every day as it comes by using all the help I can get as we all know some days are harder than others ! But I’m still learning every day. 
My next goal is 60 and Holly you can do this you have showed yourself your more stronger than you think .

So today I have got to 60 days and it feels so good to be writing that! I have kept myself so busy the urges are now not so frequent and when they do pop up they are not as strong as when I first  started on my recovery. 
My CBT is coming to the end so I do hope I can carry on GF some days will be harder than others but with all the help I have been given I feel much more stronger in my recovery. 
When I started my recovery I never thought I could reach 60 days those horrible feelings that Comes with gambling the effect it had on my mental health! I now feel calmer not on edge waiting to be found out sleeping again and just more like a little piece of me is coming back the more I don’t Gamble.

My next update will hopefully be 100 days 

Holly 

Well done holly so please for you. You can do it you are strong                                  
   Scotty??

Thank you Scotty 
I hope you are well ?

Holly 

Dear Diary 

Its been a long time and unfortunately not GF 

I have again got myself in this deep hole that i have been unable to get out of. 
I have to start from the beginning again and reset, 

I have handed my fiancés to my husband which was hard but needed to  be done, I spoke with a lovely advisor who i would like to thank for listening to me and I was able tooffload to her.

I have contacted GA today to see if I can book a space for a meeting as I think I need to speak to people who understand.

This horrible addiction is taking everything from me and more.

I need to dig deep and not let this take hold of me i need to take hold of it !!!! 

Sorry to hear that but we all set backs and this one will make you stronger you can do this try to start back when you first came put the blocks in place talk to people go to the chat room talk to the advisors if you need to gamble help me to stop take care holly           
     Scotty??❤️