Been away from the forum past couple of weeks.
I haven't gambled, other than the odd lotto ticket. I still feel angry when I don't win! Compulsive gambler, eh?
I can't remember if I have posted about running. I managed to run 5k last week. I'm enjoying getting fitter but it's very hard in the darkest weeks. Car fumes are a problem, too.
Overall, I'm feeling a bit better. Still sick of not being able to see people. It's a blessing to those of us with unhealthy family members, at this time of year. At least I don't have to see them.
I want to focus on things I am grateful for. I have many.
1) I have a partner who loves me
2) I am fitter than I used to be and can run 5 kilometres
3) My cats are so lovely and they are happy
4) I have a job that I can cope with
5) I have someone to spend Christmas with
6) I have savings
7) I have paid off over 2 years of my mortgage and now own 25% of my house. This is progress.
8) I have a nice neighbour who isn't too weird or noisy
9) I don't need much help from anyone and that makes me feel safe and resilient
10) I sleep well
I've had one of my posts edited in case it was triggering to people. I want to express what I'm going through, though. For me, that's the whole point of a diary and learning about addiction. You might not be doing the dysfunctional behaviour with gambling but if you're self-medicating in another way, that is relevant.
So, I hope this is worded in a way that's OK and not triggering to anyone but I have noticed I'm eating more.
That surprised me Freda. I always enjoy reading your posts and have never noticed anything untoward.
Recovery from gambling addiction involves stopping gambling obviously but some might consider it important to reevaluate every aspect of ones life and make adjustments as and when necessary.
To me this is not only a journey of recovery but also a time of discovery and a great adventure.
Wishing you every happiness over Christmas and a good 2021.
Thanks, Stephen 🙂
Well! I relapsed. BADLY. I have reinstated Gamstop for 5 years, this time. I've got Gamban on as well, to block anything Gamstop might not cover.
It's just such a waste of energy and time but I'm an addict and I need these things in place, as resolve cannot be 100% 24/7.
Getting some support from a local partner agency as well.
Feeling good about the things I've put in place.
I feel a bit down today but it is to be expected. Dopamine crash and all that. I got loads of housework done, yesterday which helped give me a dose of dopamine but today, I've felt tired and a bit negative. Been thinking thoughts about how I don't fit in and I know some really shallow, narcissistic people who seem to always have people's support and company but it's not a very constructive way of thinking.
I'm just mentioning as well, that I'm not visiting anyone else's diary for a while. Something I read in someone else's diary a while ago, stuck in my memory and gave me the idea for how to gamble this most recent time, despite the blocks I had in place. I am just taking some time to keep myself safe.
Well! What a massive, crazy week.
Someone I work with, in the supermarket died from Covid. She went off sick and was dead within a week. Truly awful. She was only months from retirement. I found out when I turned up for work. I'm so glad I went in a little early, to do some shopping because I got time to sit in the toilets and have a little cry.
I haven't even thought about gambling. Too much going on.
I've contacted the union, asking to get support raising some issues around staff welfare. They are still putting us on the doors to challenge customers about wearing masks and shopping in groups but it's stressful for people who don't like confrontation. A lot of people are rude, or tell us to eff off.
My thoughts are with you this difficult time. Whilst many people frown up on pandemic, they do not see loved ones, friends or work colleagues loosing their lives cause of it. It is REAL and it's claiming so many lives.
Its the same with my work. Its just spread like wildfire and i think all of us are going through very difficult times presently.
I am glad you're keeping safe and helping yourself & other's cope through union. People need any support they can get presently, its more important than ever!
Well done on keeping gambling at bay. That temporary release is not worth long term consequences.
Thank you, Sandra. I can imagine it is even more challenging in your field and not always able to socially distance at all.
I totally don't mind going in and taking that small risk - it's small at my age and with no physical health issues - but we are not paid to be security guards. I would never apply for a high-conflict position like security guard.
I am genuinely in need of being off sick with stress but I'm also glad that the manager is being hit the only place he cares - in the pocket, having to pay me sick pay.
I have pulled a blinder! I have demonstrated that the union rep is pants and that I am being fobbed off and lied to by somebody. I'm looking forward to speaking with the rep from the regional office - who is an ACTUAL UNION REP and not a servant to the bosses. I have kept receipts! I have screenshots of the BS and them contradicting themselves.
My partner "gets it" and says he is proud of me for standing up to them. He says I am very brave. I am very brave! It also helps that I don't care about my job. It's a terrible place to work. Farcical. Like working in fast food, or something. They treat people terribly. It pays my mortgage, but so would pretty much anything else.
I looked at job advertisements on the government website today and there are 7 near my city! One is for a teacher and two of them are the same advert, repeated, for an ATOS assessor. They make £32k doing that. Shocking when you consider a nurse starts on £25k a year!
Feel really low today. Am going for some shopping with my partner tonight, then have phone counselling tomorrow. Am still off sick from supermarket. I need a break from there.