Going to keep this thread now!

Day 8, here!

Haven't thought about gambling much at all, the past few days.

I have done something brave and decided to go to the work Christmas party. The idea fills me with anxiety but I think I need to push through these things, if possible. I've ordered some Spanx, to suck in my big belly!

I also have 6 weeks to try and lose a bit of weight. 

I've spending time with different people, since the problems with my close friends and I think it has been good for me.

Oh, diary! 

Gamstop failed me yesterday, on a major site - really disgusted in them that they haven't blocked my account yet. It's one of the massive ones that advertise on TV. I still am responsible for my own behaviour, of course, but when you're checking it is working and find that it's not, it puts you in that vulnerable position. Luckily I had already set a low monthly limit so damage was minimised. 

I feel really sad. A man I recently met has been sending some very confusing signals. Messaging me all the time, asking me how long I've been single, inviting me out to the pub. I wasn't really that bothered either way but wanted to know what was going on. Turns out he isn't interested and I just feel really silly. I feel a bit annoyed, to have been given the wrong impression by him a bit. It's hard to explain but it really seemed like he was pursuing me. It's like he has created a scenario for me to be rejected, when it didn't need to happen. Makes me feel like a fool for thinking he'd fancy me.

Hey Freda,

Aww..sorry to read last update. Gamstop failed me also last week but  not to the extent of me depositing money. I played demos...try and contact them, maybe you didnt apply it fully on the browser?

Thanks for your emails in recent weeks. Truly lifted my spirits up & something i will never forget. Just there at the right time ❤

Much love hun, i hope you're well. ...

Keep ticking along and maybe look for more external support?..just a thought..never give up giving up..

& this lil song somehow lifts me up now and again, thought i will share..plus strangely think we are on the same page in life too...spooky!

Take care girl!

https://youtu.be/am1192zt8_M

Stay safe

S&B xx

Thanks, S

I have had a difficult day. Did some driving and felt very anxious and stressed. Went to work and felt shaky and dizzy. They agreed to sit me down at a till which really helped then during the last 15 minutes, I was put on the hectic self-scanning bit and deteriorated fast. Had a massive panic attack and was crying a lot. My manager sat with me for a bit - not the one I have a crush on - and my friend took me home. I am crying a lot tonight. It shook me up and was really scary and I felt vulnerable and embarrassed.

My whole body hurts. My muscles all seized up. 

My boss said I don't have to go on the self-scan torture devices anymore. I am so bloody relieved! 

Was quite nervous when I went in today so was a bit shaky all day but got through it. Will not be chewed going in tomorrow, at least.

I want a self-scan torture device for christmas 😉

Well done for getting through the day! 😉

By the way just to comment on an earlier post. There are a handful of major sites that are not technically deemed to be online casino type gambling sites... (but where you can still waste money in an addictive and instant way!) so you have to exclude from them individually. I found this out the hard way as well.

Onwards and forwards... 🙂 

Oh, self scan torture! That sounds awful. Are they the ones which keep screaming "item im bagging area!!"..always freaks me out because i feel like i nicked something..it makes me panic and be so anxious thinking surely i didnt put anything in bagging area! Is it my car keys getting closer to that scanner or my phone was sensed by it or what the hell is going on here....Grrrrrrrr ?..always end up with panic attack even if all clears out after few seconds of "reminders".

Anyway..glad you have been released from such torture and boss (ohhhh..is it the same one?) Sounds very understanding. Good on you hun!

How are you feeling in general? Read youre going gym and reaping the benefits ?. Its good isn't it...we go through hell to get there and come out almost saints with extra spring in that step ?

Keep up good work hun...look after yourself

S&B xx

Thanks SB, SA x

They really are torture devices! One person manning 12 self-scan tills, it's ludicrous. I have two bosses, my lovely, ***, deputy boss sat with me when I had a panic attack. My main boss took me off them, the one I have a crush on. He said he never wants me to feel like that at work and he wants the bubbly me. It's a weird crush. I do sometimes wonder if it's my Daddy issues, lol. Even though he's younger than me, he's the authority figure, whose attention is not available that much but when I get his attention, I feel all warm inside. There is definitely an electricity between us, though. He's clearly very fond of me and protective of me. I don't really need a hero to come to my rescue but it's nice to feel someone cares and is looking out for me. I feel really safe with him as my boss.

I've been really busy lately and haven't found time to go to the gym. Had to take two weeks off because of a really bad cold. I'm going to go tomorrow. Have a client coming for a treatment in the morning, then should have some time for me.

Fell asleep this afternoon! 

Got anxious while driving, again. My friend was being a bit belligerent, in the car and it made me a bit uneasy. She's a funny one, at times. 

Going to the gym.

Oh Freda...

You went trough my mind just about 20mins ago..i joined motorway and that lorry looked like going at speed..i sped up even more..did think if i will plunge in the side of it!

Had no intention of stopping ?..neither me nor that driver!..a bit of road rage was going on...guilty....but 2.5hrs to drive 60 miles got to me...grrrr...bloody traffic!

Sozz for the vent, had few tears while sitting trafic...lost my cool for sure..

Ummmm..i thought you passed your test? Have you?

Again..apols & well done on the gym, my intention is to visit tomorrow..thats if i get up from slumber in time ?

Hugs hun....proper big fat warm hugs ((((((f))))))) xxz

Ah, no. Took two tests then work got really stressful and had to take a break.

I think this is what makes me apprehensive... at any given time, we have maybe 30% of those drivers on anti-depressants/anxiety meds, probably 50% adrenalized, rushing, stressed. Not a good recipe! 

Such a joyful gym session! Maaaaaaan, it's great to feel healthy again! Did an hour of cardio in total, some weights.... feeling really good. I'm thinking this could be a good addiction for me to swap to!

Ugh, I feel really uncomfortable. There's this really overbearing, nosy woman at work and she made it clear she didn't believe me that I have anxiety bad enough to be excused from the stressful area. Her daughter is sick of working in the stressful area and she is nosing about to find out why other people aren't doing their share. Thing is, I can see where she's coming from but it's none of her effing business why I'm medically excused from it. I told her I have anxiety and rather than accept that as something that's none of her business she say's "I wonder what's brought that on?" I just said "I can't cope with it". Shouldn't have had to even explain myself that much. In a way, I'm annoyed I did - people like that put you on the spot. I'm good at being assertive and I know I didn't have to explain myself but it's when they're pushy and you don't have time to think. 

She's one of the main ones who organises these girls nights. It's not that I'm not prepared to put myself out there, socially, but people who don't understand boundaries make me really uncomfortable. I'm going to distance myself from them because I was happier keeping myself to myself.

Haven't seen my manager in almost two weeks. He was making excuses to message me a few weeks ago but he has pulled back. I think I need to let this crush go. I'm lonely but I don't feel like anyone would want me.

Hi Freda... I do feel sorry for anybody that has to manage the self-service tills. People have no patience. You see folk having to wait for more than 20 secs for a bag then they start huffing and puffing. I saw this bloke the other day who didn't want to wait in the queue for the cigarettes so he went to the self-service tills and got the person managing them to go and get his cigs, leaving the self-service tills without a body and other people getting stroppy cos that had to wait. What is the world coming to?? Like you say, people don't want to work in the self-service area. Personally i'd much rather stack shelves if I worked in a shop... and like you say, keep your distance from people who moan all the time.

Hi Freda,

Hope this finds you well.

Thank you for your post the other day. Hope you're keeping at peace and showing some kindness and care towards yourself.

Something i remembered myself today: You're worth it & you're ENOUGH.

Much love hun

S&B xx

Thanks SB xxx

Hope my "friend" can stop being such a d*k head soon. She has really annoyed me today. She's impatient and bossy with me, quite a lot - the one who was accusing me of being moody and bad tempered only a couple of months ago! 

Thing is, yes, if I'm spoken to badly, it will get my heckles up but if someone is being decent with me, I don't get like this at all. I'm not going to be in any relationship where I'm accused of doing something I'm not only not even doing but am having done to me! That sentence probably made no sense but basically, she wants to bark at me and be belligerent but if I'm anything less than grace itself, I'm the problem. Fooooooooook that.

The car wouldn't start today and she's telling me what to do, impatiently, but even before this, when she knows I'm a nervous driver, she's being moody and snappy. I said to her "are you going to be this belligerent all the way there" and she says "maybe, we'll have to see". Flusters me when people are aggressive and critical like that. Don't know if she even realises it but she's hanging by a thread.