Going to keep this thread now!

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S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

The craving for instant pleasure to distract ourselves from everything else. Ive been there many times. You saw your gambling episode for what it was and now your getting back to normal.

Take care... S.A 🙂

 
Posted : 18th June 2019 10:03 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Thanks, yes, it is what it is.

I did well yesterday, as I was in town and tired due to having a cold. Decided to get the bus home rather than walk. Just missed a bus, so had some time to kill. Briefly considered going into the arcade but went to browse in a clothes shop instead. Thing is, I came out with a top and was probably still quids in on what I would have wasted with nothing to show for it, from the arcade.

My job is quite soulless at the supermarket. It's a fast-food type environment, no-one has time for you. I feel invisible there. Lots of little upsets and fears have come up tonight. I'm feeling quite unsettled. 

My mother has started pestering me again. I don't love my mother. I don't like her, either. I want her to be happy, I wish her no ill will but she wants me to make her happy, she always has. I think it's a real a r s e hole who expects their kids to make them happy. She makes me feel uncomfortable. She's needy and pushy. I wouldn't mind if she'd just got a bit needier as she'd gotten older, I think this is quite normal - but she's always been needy and weird and inappropriate. Since I was a preteen. I told her I was tired because I'm very busy, the other day and since then she's been sending me weird melodramatic messages, as though I'm dying or going through a crisis. She really is a t it.

Then there's the driving. Ugh! I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable, nervous, sometimes scared. 

Oh, and I've got a date on Saturday night but I feel pessimistic about it. I feel like I've lost faith in people a bit. I find it hard to believe I can meet anyone who will love me. Not because I think I'm unlovable. I think I've got loads to offer, but I think people have unrealistic expectations or standards. I sort of expect to be rejected for some stupid, shallow reason like not having a flat stomach or perfect teeth. It's making me not want to go. 

Anyway, bleurgh. I will continue to meet each situation at a time and endeavour to stay alive.

 
Posted : 21st June 2019 1:14 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Isn't it great when you start to recognise the familiar and predictable pattern? Things always turn out alright. I've had the weekend off work, good to have a break from the place. Driving is going better, actually. Date didn't work out because he turned out to be a bit of an a s s. Wasn't that bothered anyway.

All is well.

 
Posted : 23rd June 2019 11:49 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

I am in menopausal hormone hell! ugh!

I'm mildly depressed. I see the signs. I'm not doing the washing up, not cooking the vegetables, living on toast, blah blah blah.

It will pass.

 
Posted : 1st July 2019 7:21 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hope all is well Freda.

 

I think my menopause started at 20! 

 

Seems like only recently I learned to eat! ..that's cause my parents are feeders tho...you would get all varieties of food here...come along and stay for a week lol, you would leave in healthier body, mind and soul..

 

Seriously, hope all is well and you're looking after yourself.

 

Much love & Blessings

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 11th July 2019 5:18 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Things were going a bit better. I came out of the hormonal dark place and went back to the gym, yesterday. Driving lessons going well except for getting a bit agitated as the test draws near. Then today, in my last lesson before the test, I have a panic attack on the dual carriageway. It was very traumatic. I am tired of traumatic things happening. 

 
Posted : 11th July 2019 5:57 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

I've had a good chat on the netline to help me settle.

I'm not going to do my driving test on Monday, although I think it's too late to postpone it and not lose the money. I don't care. I push myself out of my comfort zone and face my fears but I'm not going to be cruel to myself and overwhelm myself to the point of trauma. 

Since I have learned that difference, I have gone from strength to strength.

 
Posted : 11th July 2019 8:00 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Did my driving test today. Was really nervous! It was not a scary route at all, thankfully but I failed.

 
Posted : 15th July 2019 9:45 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

So proud of you for making to that test! The fear of the fear is the greatest of them all but you showed ability to face it. ...Its something to be really proud of hun!

 

You gave it a go and that matters the most...another go will be more familiar and I believe truly succsessful.

 

Keep your head held high! 

 

Hugs ((((((f))))))

 

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 16th July 2019 9:41 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

thanks

haven't wanted to post, been busy in real life and continue to be unsure how much I need to be on here and what is best for me.

haven't been gambling. took another test and failed because I stopped the test when they wanted me to go on a bit of dual carriageway I wasn't up to on the day. It's phobia of having no escape. I have accepted it's going to take some time to get past. No more tests booked for now. Patience and undoing some of the damage the last panic attack did. It was too much too soon. I'm bored of how much this fear of no escape affects my life and blocks me from certain things. It is what it is, though. I'm doing my best.

 
Posted : 30th July 2019 10:48 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hi f,

 

Thanks for the post....ohh...I envy your real life! I do not understand why I cannot step out of my own four walls..it just doesn't make sense! At 34 I should be thriving in life but it's the opposite. I'm in this cave and refuse to come out...maybe sad but I must aknowledge it.

 

Dont give up on driving tests. The most important thing is to face your fears. I am sure in life you already faced many...and how does it feel when you eventually succeed? Liberating right?

 

Life is not a walk in a park. It gives us challenges and obstacles on a way..that's the only way we can learn. We make mistakes, we are human.

 

You're doing your best & that my friend is more than enough.

 

Hugs and blessings hun...look after you.

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 4th August 2019 10:52 am
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Have you ever had a friend who treats you like a liability. Who apologises for you and is always "saving you" from yourself. They do a pretty good impression of an enemy as well, don't they? I've just had enough of one of them. Just called him a patronising little "rhymes with stick". It has been a long time coming.

I'm really upset. I'm f**k ing sick of his disrespectful attitude toward me. I'm a really nice person but do you know what? I'm a normal person too. I sometimes say things that can be taken the wrong way or accidentally say tactless things - LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!! Don't you just love those people who loudly groan at you when you do it, though - even though you don't do it to them. I could constantly pick him up on things he says but I don't because I'm not a massive ars e hole. I really think this is projection, you know. People who are always correcting others. Something wrong with them. 

I'm really hurt but I'm the bad guy, presumably, because I reacted. People like that can kiss my big white a ss. 

Do you know what he did? He left someone because they gained a bit of weight. But I'm the awful insensitive person. Right. Yep. 

Thank you, diary, for always being there for me. Listening without prejudice. I'm sick of earth at the moment. Not suicidal, I just feel like I'm in some sort of hell realm.

 
Posted : 17th August 2019 8:41 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Do you know when you're angry and you call someone a name. These days I don't regret it because I know my own mind, my own values and my own quality as a person. It's always preferable to turn the other cheek but I tell you what, I don't expect perfection of myself. I love myself. I do not need to have the patience of a saint. It happens very rarely and I usually still feel the same once the storm has passed. 

I think the older you get, the less time you have for other people's B S.

 
Posted : 17th August 2019 8:47 pm
(@freda)
Posts: 2958
Topic starter
 

Bless, some friends came over to see if I was alright. 

Listened to me have a rant and agreed that this guy - diagnosed or otherwise - is most likely on the autism spectrum and would test the patience of a saint some times.

The thing is, I don't need other people's validation that I "wasn't imagining it" but it is somewhat triggering, having grown up in a household where no one seemed to have a filter, or indeed any awareness or insight into their behaviour. Then to be told it was all in my head, was the most damaging thing to my sense of self. 

Ugh, Earth is crazy right now. I'm sure you all feel the chaos around you in various ways.

 
Posted : 17th August 2019 10:44 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)
Posts: 4883
 

Hiya Freda.... thank you for your thoughts. You always seem to know exactly what to say to suit the moment. That's a lovely quality to have. Not that I want to sound patronising... honest! 😉

The world is a crazy place.

I have a friend whom likes to take control and tell me how it is. Its probably a useful distraction from himself. I keep at arms length as needed. If this guy you talk of is on the autism spectrum disorder then he genuinely doesn't understand. Whatever the case it sounds like you have taken the necessary corrective action.

Its nice to see and read your posts. Always food for thought

S.A 🙂

 

 
Posted : 18th August 2019 4:53 pm
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