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Hi both,

Apologies for the last..some alcohol influenced  babbling took over common  sense/thinking.  

Time off is not going  very well. Too much time on my hands and I actually  volunteer  for overtime ..so I can make more healthier options. Does not make sense tho as work is the last place I want to be since it completely brought  me to my knees this time. Its not healthy  place for me to be if I'm honest ...and just maybe I want to earn extra so I have something  behind  me when I finally  make that step and resign. This is truly sound option I started to think about and .. I just need to get my ducks in line I suppose  before I leap to unknown  again.

Today turned out an OK day. Skipped gym as overdid it last few days. Every inch of my body aches...

Felt like I was kind to me and made healthy  choices....2x walks, cooking soup and gardening  later, I feel a bit more back to myself. I thought  it wasn't great day for gardening/weeding...turns out it was perfect day for these cause soil is so soft and weeds comes out with all roots without  any effort. I like my tidied garden now, even if there is still a lot to do. Still, made me feel at peace, something about it and being  outdoors..

Parents are very poorly. Both of them and ...since the health care system is very different  over there, they can't even do a test to find out if its covid. I am worried as they both sound very under weather.  Told them to ring Ambo if things gets worse...as to see a doctor is 2 months  waiting  time now ?..so not the best option. 

Slight urges today but very manageable  so far. Keeping myself busy definitely  helped. Lil girl is happy, we had some bonding  time and good play around the garden and park. I think she misses me the same as I miss her. ...I changed quite a bit over time and guess other life's  stresses keeps getting  in a way and stopping  me to see how simple life actually  is if you look at it from the correct angle.

Much peace all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Today has been another  OK day. Laying  in this morning  and no need to rush around. Enjoying  spending time with little one. Really missed her for a good while now. We go walkies, we cuddle, we play and enjoy each others company.  She has a poorly ear...well, half a ear she has and it seems very irritating  for her. A bit of blood from scratching.  I did have some medicine  spray from the vet and it seem to calm her down. I hope it clears, whatever  allergy or what it is. No fun to see her in discomfort.  She is so good girl tho when I apply medication,  she knows I am trying  to help her.

.parents still very poorly. Dad said they feel better  but they deffo does not sound better ☹..praying  for their health to pick up.

Still on holiday and it's taken me good 4 days to return  to the human being I once was. This is quite alerting ..  deep down I know there is me somewhere  but work just takes over...I often loose myself and who I am when there. Its serious  and unfortunately  I'm not the only one feeling this way. The damage this does for one is real..

I went gym today and another  good session had. Then shopping  and cooking.  Didn't have so many pans going at once in a long while lol...stuffed now...warm and content. Few other personal  issues to address  but not today. I will one day, I know I must.

Nothing  else to report.  250 days g free, thankful urges are not too big. I am managing  just fine.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Another day upon me. Another lay in had and I'm getting  used to them now ?. Saying  that, a lot of work scenarios were disturbing  my sleep but I'm really trying  to put those thoughts aside because it's my time off and I need to nurture that fragile mind at least for as long as I can.

Very windy today. Sunny but that wind caused a bit of mayhem in the street. Was driving  to take lil one to the park and noticed this neighbour  struggling  outside house as fence has gone and pushed brick post out too so it was a bit of a building  site on a footpath. Did stop and offered to help. It was good to do something  good first thing  in a morning,  set my day in brighter spirits.

Not so good walk in the park as there was this big dog off the lead who dashed straight  for lil one and of course she did not appreciate  it. So it's me shouting from top of the lungs to stop lil one and shouting  across  for the owner to get his dog under control.  Small disturbance  broke out but thankfully  other dog run away and lil girl  was just so shaking and crouching from me shouting. ? took me a while to calm her down. Not sure if she realises that I try to protect  her from harm and issues and that she does not display  the best of behaviours with other dogs following  those attacks on her few years back. I always keep her on the lead and choose parks with minimal walkers around but situations like that may be unavoidable  now and again where others thinks their dogs will get on with everyone.  So yeah....sigh...at least everything  is OK and no injuries  & no upsets.

Parents still sounds very poorly. Dad says he is getting  better but I beg to differ. He can hardly talk..coughs a lot.

Possibly  will skip gym today. Noticed I'm finding  a bit healthier balance with that also. Allowing  body to recover...plus there is always tomorrow.

I shall stay in with lil one and enjoy  her company.

Slight urges today, hope it stays just that - thoughts and no devastating  actions.

Day at a time

S&B xx

I remember when I walked my sisters dog on the beach. I let him off the lead for a bit.. he was straight over to a bunch of seaweed. Chewed on it and got a fish hook through his tongue. Not good. If I walk a dog... it stays on the lead lol

You enjoy your time off! 🙂 x

H..thanks SA...bless you and lil pooch

Diary,

Tonight  brought  some thoughts.  My last gambling  session. On bosses funeral day...sad day indeed,  nothing mattered more than an escape.

I guess most of us here have been at rock  bottom.  Where the only way left is "out".

After decent  rest I view it in different  light. I put it to the example  of a wish list...now, I don't  have it...but wouldn't  it be nice just  to walk your beloved one to the top of the mountains (even if sheep present, you would protect the disaster  by putting muzzle on), what about hearing  your parents (or loved  ones voices?)..I found its not enough  even if I speak to them every day now, what about helping  that neighbour? (She was puzzled why stranger stopped to help...yet, she did not know what it meant to me...to help...)

For a cooked dish or a bath, for a gym smiling at people,  for shopping  and letting  elderly go first...list goes on...

I am blind to all of this whilst at work. Something  takes over. I am tired (compared  to my 12hrs recent sleep), I am grumpy, snappy,fighting and argumental. 

We are human  beings,  we need rest and this "wish list" to see us through...not much asked for, very simple  things at the end of the day. ..

Before  anyone  decides to take a drastic  choice,  please allow at least a minute thought for this...simple things are out there and can be acknowledged..for you...for your wellbeing and peace of mind. It MATTERS

S&B xx

Hi diary, 

I'm trying to stay committed and disciplined to post here daily this week and so far so good. I attend both chats a day  also. Keeps me grounded and also I noticed teaches me few personal  behavioral lessons as I know my shortcomings. Discipline  and boundaries  definitely falls in these brackets.

Woke up pretty early, like half 8 but struggled  to get up. Laid there and watched lil one sitting  on bed and sunning her face looking  through the window.  That was peaceful time indeed. I'm trying  to  work out how I'm feeling today. Didn't  notch up a gear from the second  I think and guess it will stay  like that all day. A bit on a slow go. Looking  for motivation  for the gym and best get going  as they close earlier today but presently  I'm eating ?..and so, its not the best time to go straight  after food and I don't  even know why I'm eating  hot meal at this time as its usually  around 7pm (my first meal..and last for the day). 

So yup, a bit awkward day. Plus I need to check in with parents still..

Tried to update my CV as sort of applied for warehouse job but d**n thing was last opened in 2017 and my devices decided  to pack up on me and I I not able to edit file at all ?

Oh well...

So am a bit of a seesaw mood today. I think one of the reasons is time ticking  by and my time off is nearing the end. Makes me feel anxious,  not gonna lie.

Anyhow, no gambling,  252 days free, let's keep this watch ticking  on ?

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I promise,  I won't type much more soon...feel like your tired pages getting overcrowded from my thoughts. 

Lil one woke up at 6am. Asked to be let out and surprisingly  stayed out for a good 10mins. Longer than usual for a potty. Almost went out I my pjs to search for her....

Did not sleep well since so was early morning  to face. Still feel tired..

Went for a walk in the forest. Very cold and windy...spent an hour there and froze my limbs off. Noticed that dog walkers are very friendly  here. Everyone  greeted me without  a fail. Umm..not sure if appeared a bit sad or ..you know, you get worried sometimes  seeing someone  walking on their own in secluded  area...well, at least I don't like it, esp If see people on the bridge or something,  or by the sea just staring at it in the night...makes me feel concerned. 

I did think about life, where I am at now, what next and basically...just everything.  Reminded myself that I have lil one waiting  at home. 

Expenses  with the car but it is what it is. Metal boxes do rust and break eventually. 

Sister in bad place still and parents are very sick...still..

Again, imbalanced today. ..but this shall pass too

No gambling 

S&B xx

Its horrible isn't it when you don't get a good nights sleep. I had that the other night. The wind whistling through the windows woke me up. Couldn't get back to sleep so got up at 3 a.m, watched TV till 6 and then went to work. I was ok till luch time and then I was mentally f****d. The rest of the day was just pants. Went to bed at 8, couldn't keep me eyes open.

Imbalanced I relate to. Am like that all the time. Calmness never lasts long. The smile on the bus moments, as I call them, are only fleeting moments. I think we are both highly sensitive people, but it manifest in slightly different ways. We are like 15 to 20% of the population if you belief what Elaine Aron says in her book "the highly sensitive person".

Your not gambling... your doing ok x

@s-687 

Yes living on the edge of your nerves can take some adjusting.

Even to this day I do not get a full nights sleep due to trauma in my life before I was 8 years of age.

Yet by reducing your fears and be willing to accept the very worst that can happen reduces our fears over time.

By reducing our fears we are less likely to go in to panic mode and made unhealthy decisions of choices.

Things at one time caused me to go in to a state of rage make me laugh today.

How can that be. LOL.

Regards Dave L

Thanks SA, Dave...

Diary,

Been strange week. I got more satisfaction  and "chellenges" more than I do in my daily  work. I spoke up on the phone...constantly..one of my fears...concured  as it looks like. Well pleased with that. Helped few souls too, always a good thing.

Just put lil one to bed...by it I mean I took hot water bottle upstairs  and told her to go to bed...2mins later I can hear her snoring.  Strange  sense of peace over here. I know she is fed, loved, warm, safe....somehow big values in my present  life. I'm glad I can offer this to the loved one. Besides i now know what she does in a day or when I'm out - sleep!!! Yup..that's  right lol

A bit of a shook up last night with sister but my decision  making proved right...phew...was worried about  her and her safety  but managed to talk her through  step by step. She is safe & well and sleeping by now I believe.  We all have our fall downs...its good to have support  at the time of need.

I'm, myself, recovering  slowly.  As mentioned,  glad to be some sort of input  for work circs given. I almost enjoyed  it...plus kept me bust and occupied.  No time for self pity...let alone gambling. 

Today was a bit of a change. I felt a bit stressed. My good offer of support  was taken advantage  of. Triggered me. Immediately.  I sense these. But I shall deal...Will deal tomorrow.  Its just not right as you cannot pile s**t only cause one is on a bit of restricted  duties for a week. This was poor and they know it.

.

Anyhow,  I had good few days...let's look at the bright  side yeah...

Trying  to keep beat up...please god allow me this going  forwards ?...just, at least to keep my cool...

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Keep your cool.... ya know you can do it.

Cool as a cool cat 😉 x

Cool...bahh...I have no senses SA.

Peed off now. Many issues around me I put brave face on about. Deep down its constant...in works shall we say, never ending.

I tried to talk to someone  on 1 to 1 since chat failed  me few times today...now, they say and urge ppl to contact  them but ...he'll...I cannot get through..past 3 weeks (once a week mind ya)...so ...if others cannot  get through,  that's  bad...but deep down I guess they flag  some "users"...which would be wrong  really...

Anyway..just needed to talk....else I will shout lol

Truly feel like exploding  but again...SA..your "cool cat" makes me stop just for this minute.

d**n my life, I really hate it

@sb28 

Hi

Being angry was a very unhealthy habit for me.

My anger indicated that the hurt inner child in me was not healing or being healed.

For me my Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not being healed.

For me my Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my fears not being faced.

For me my Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I could not cope with my pains not being healed.

My having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was in effect hurting myself, yes only once I reduce my expectations would I stop causing myself deep seated pains.

I lived in fear so long yet did not even know it.

My levels of my fears got me very close to going in to panic mode often.

By facing my fears would I reduce anxiety and going in to panic mode.

On first walking in to the recovery was I able to listen to people or have intimate healthy sharing, not for me, the pains and fears in me inhibited me from having healthy interactions with lots of people.  

I use to put on a brave face, my facade was very much fear based, I lived in fear of people knowing how truly emotionally vulnerable I was.

When things did not go my way I use to internalise it. Like it was my fault or my failings.

In my recovery the deep down pains and trauma started to heal the fears reduced also.

My hatred indicated how much I was burying my pains and suppressing them with in myself.

My hatred also indicated how much pain and rage my hurt inner child was suppressing with in myself.

At one time I use to say that I did not think of trying to commit suicide.

Then as my pains got more and more healed I had a recall that at one time at my grandmothers place I took things that I was told would kill me if I took them.

The next morning I woke up and felt like a complete failure.

Not only did I recall what I took, but I also remembered the smells of the room, the location of the bed t was almost like I was watching and smelling every thing over that traumatic time.

As I was able to think about the event and all the things over I found that one thing was hard for me I could not articulate my feelings and emotions I did even understand the pains that were burdening me.

I also started to understand that the adults of my childhood were not able to be loving nurturing or show the affection I needed and wanted.

At this time there were a married couple that thought that they were unable to have children, I met with them and low an behold all the loving nurturing affection and fun I needed and wanted they gave me.

Since that time and that was over 50 years ago, the husband dies and the wife is in her late years.

No matter how many times I tell her how much her and husband saved my life she finds it to hard to believe.

During this time of being loved nurtured and given affection by this kind couple my mother felt more and more inadequate insecure and inept in her self, and she also felt that I was abandoning her.

Later in my life I would find out that my mother tried to take her own life long before my teens.

How ever vulnerable we are at any time often there are people more vulnerable than our self.

So in the recovery program once we get in to therapies we see and feel our self in others and find our way to healing and moving on from very vulnerable unhealthy past.

Finding a way to heal our hurt inner child and become the healthiest person we can be each day.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

Dave Of Beckenham UK

Ah, thanks Dave....

Yes, anger seems to rear its ugly head occasionally.  To be honest I am out of control with these episodes and so it is what it is..

Regarding "inner child". She is no longer here ...within me. Let my inner hurt girl go long time ago, well before I faced tragic in my life and repeated stuff I come head to head with wayy too often. Inner child does not need to see, feel and experience  that precise pain...so, it's easier to let go other than hold on and do vicious circles in trying to heal but failing  miserably  each and every time making inner child hurt all over again.

Inner child may be lost and unprotected but it was my choice.  Since inner child is not being healed, i no longer require the healing for myself.

Hope this makes sense.

Take care

@sb28 

Hi

Walking in the recovery program I did not even know myself how much emotional baggage I was burying and suppressing.

I did not know or understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The rage that came out of me was a kind of honesty exposing how much pain was buried with in me.

The choice to abstain from my obsessions or addictions left me with no where to escape.

In time I would understand that I was vulnerable but aware there was hope for me if I took more care of myself.

In my life I had been hurt many times by people who were suppose to love me.

I got to understand that there were some very unhealthy people in my life who could not love them self or any one else.

As the therapies started I would see and feel myself in other people and how to heal and resolve issues in my life.

It was highly recommended to most people not to get involved with unhealthy people until my healing process was established. 

Saying that you out of control would you say that you are emotionally vulnerable.

Once the inner child starts to heal that little girl will want to come out and play as never before.

Healing and reducing our fears will open up so many opportunities you never thought was possible.

It is very important to have a healthier safer life once you take your recovery seriously.

Setting boundaries if the little girl having a voice to stand up for her self.

The reason it is recommended to not to have very close intimacy relationships is that people get drawn towards the same unhealthy people they have been hurt by in the past.

You say you no longer require the healing for myself that sounds very sad.

That will change in time as you get to value your self more and more and want healthy in your life.

You hope this makes sense, yes very much so.

Healing sounds like a good choice at this time.

Be kind and gentle with your self you need it.

Take care

Dave L