...

Stay safe out there, my friend xx

Merry Xmas San

Hi diary,

Thanks guys for kind wishes ?

So it's another  year rounded up. I managed to have wonderful  few hours with family this morning. It felt right. Just right.

Sacrificed my sleep and time and even if will have to go 24hrs sleepless,  I actually  don't  mind. Few hours with family are truly worth that.

I spent last half hour reading some posts. One poster actually,  the one who talks from his heart and the honesty he shares cannot be more appreciated.  I often think about him walking with his hounds, carefree,  with loving heart to family and the rest of the world. I also think how much I could learn from great man, if I allowed myself that. 

Recovery  is going  OK. No intrusive thoughts really. Just a passing train ones...which does pass. I find that I don't really  have a lot of time for those  urges. 

Still trying  to balance life out. I know I'm  busy with it but its more of a chore than joy and contentment.  So something  has to change, I would love to start enjoying  my days.

I'm not overally depressed.  Not as I was last week. Felt building  up to this big day kind of made me sad. Not sure why. Felt like a seesaw of emotions. Happy & sad. ..up and down.  Also hoping  some balance there. 

Not much  else to add today to be honest. Have 3 mins left before work calls and am truly  taking  in the peace and shallow snores lil one is offering  laying  by my side. Another year with her, I must be truly blessed  ? 

Merry Christmas  all 

S&B xx 

Hi diary,

I'm just dropping  by. Am very exhausted  and just wanted to put a line or two down on here.

I did not have day off for a quite few days, in fact, I was on a right hamster wheel. I don't know if I'm coming  or going  anymore and honestly  I want to cry so much because I cannot any more. I cannot do it. The thought  of the same old tomorrow  fills me with dread. It has to stop now, ...im not sure why they're  pushing  us to such limit but they do. 

No time to eat or sleep...its just constant  shifts turnarounds..and the hell of shifts too! God...minimum  12hrs ones cause of demand.

I didn't  gamble...no...In fact I thought a lot about our departed ones during this festive season. Not too uplifting  thoughts huh, but it is what it is.

I've got 20hrs spare now till another shift. So much to do and so little energy.  I should just go to sleep I think...but, ....chores....chores awaits..?

Hope next year will be better but ultimately,  Its down to me.

Happy new year all

S&B xx

So sorry to hear you sounding so worn out.

I'm glad to hear the encouraging sound of you realising it's cruel to your mind, body and soul. I do understand your sense of duty and loyalty but is there anything to be gained from going down with a sinking ship?

Sorry to sound so blunt, I really do just want the very best for you. All said with love but if it's unwelcome, ignore it and sorry for any offence caused.

f x

Thanks f..no offence  taken....im just exhausted. 

10hrs shift turned out to 15hrs...but, bruised and shattered  i came through  to 2022. What's next,  am not sure. Just recently  thought  that even happy ppl dies...don't have to be negative  about all that...

Not sure where those thoughts  are coming  from..

Right...recap yeah...

Last year was challenging.  Here is counselling,  here cutting off help for trauma cause of my bosses death just made it all unbearable. 

Here I change work  locations  and here I am flying  out during  pandemic.  Brief catch up with parents (will never forget).  ..it ingrained  in my mind...1hr catch up ..and dad being  dad...had to see my at the time collegauges.  ..they were more diplomat grading really and dad saying " thanks for looking  after my daughter " ..which I had to translate of course, deep down broke my heart...after all, I'm there with this precise  team cause I am helping  them....on another  hand...they gave me unbelievable  pass to see my folks even if  to hug them briefly (social distancing  of course).

Its been a good and bad year..not one Xmas card sent or well wishes for new year ...somehow  strange  but somehow silently shows my hurt in past year. Hurt which is non consolable. 

Miss the ones  are no longer here, pray for the ones who are. That's me.

Let's 2022 commence.  Gym goals and lovely lil girl are my main objectives...the rest, i just need to stay alive for huh...

Hey ..no gambling....win win indeed!!

Sleep time now...been a while.

?

Enjoy your sleep. You deserve it!! 🙂 x

Sandra 

just popping by to send my warmest regards and to say maybe in 2022 we can again share the quality of conversation and I might get to meet your soulmate, like you met with my pair. We still wander over the top from time to time, today I am definitely not so lost.

 I will never forget your kindness ((())))

stay safe and well 

Duncs

Thanks both! Duncs, good to see you around, sorry to read you caught the nasty ?...that's what I was not sure about moaning about being negative....I know how tough it is...so bad...but, I somehow  guess...am longing for a break in a way. ..anyway, do hope you feel better soon!

Diary,

Another day done and dusted. Very stressful  one indeed. I think my body temp racked up good 40°c at one point due to stress as my face/body was on fire. I yet again refused help from well progressed departments and cought myself  thinking  that it must be just the way I am...dealing  with stuff on my own. Gone down to s**t mind you, as expected  lol. .but...it is what it is and I at least tried and had a glimpse of things actually  working  out, believing  that I am too good at what I do.. awe, well...

Zero sleep last night and what lil I got, was nightmares.  Nasty ones too...brrr...wouldn't  wish them on worst enemy (good job I have none).

Lil girl again offers peace. Just like that. Washes it all away...what a miracle  she is huh!!!

No food since 10am yesterday,  no time really plus stress works its own way around wellbeing.  May do tomorrow when I finally  fill at least a shelf of a fridge. 

Breathe now...today is over. Good 17hrs left before turnaround.  I'm blessed indeed ? 

No gambling,  stay safe all

P.s ..duncs...meeting is really appealing,  will try and make sure, got SA coming along. I think we all have a lot in common.  Journeys we concured on this life...

Sleep well all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

So yesterday  upset me a bit following  conversation  with sister. I want to help but I don't  offer her help. We ..once again fell out as she seems to expect  miracles! And I tried to hammer the truth  or at least some common  sense into her. How come I'm this awful  gambler but doing so much better than her???!!! When and how she got herself  into this deep s**t! It annoys me..it breaks me inside out too. And when she brings parents into the picture  with words, "I want to be better parent for my son" it boils my blood. Why? Because she always got what she wanted, always  pushed, huffed and ranted until got whatever  she wanted....it was delivered...how can she complain? How can she complain  then fully well knowing I WAS THE ONE TO WEAR HER WORN CLOTHES AND GOT f**k ALL NEW. I never asked...I was a black duck in white flock of them. I never complained.  I was different  in some strange  way to worlds  eyes and felt unloved. How can she blame the past on her present? Her own choices...her own decisions...

I'm just tired of dragging her up. She is too deep even for me. But on the other hand...my hard earned, sweaty and bloodied (injuries) cash clearly is the only answer  for her. Shall I pass it on? To be P****d all over Gucci stuff and more not needed items? I guess not and that's what reels me...she is blind to reality!

Rant over...

Work was s**t. 15hours of waste really. 

Nobody to talk and nobody  to understand  accordingly...

Maybe this old time gambler should seek the one and only escape huh? Shall I destroy  my future?

Dear @sb28 ,

I am sorry to read here that you're having a difficult time regarding family. Quite often, January can be a tricky time of year and we can find ourselves stressed over this sort of thing. Please try to talk to someone about it, it might help. 

In today's post, you mentioned destroying your future which is quite concerning. Please remember you can call us. (or live chat)

I also saw in yesterday's Forum post you said "no gambling" - well done, particularly as you're having a tough time with things. 

Look after yourself. 

Keely. 

Forum Admin 

Hiya.. you have come too far to now seek out the temporary illusion and comfort of the slots. To play the slots now would just be away of passing time and not having to think about the relationship with your sister.

From what you say, it sounds like your sister has got her own issues to work through, she seeks her own comfort through "Gucci stuff" and other things. Draw your line in the sand, no more for your hard earned money to go to sister.

I just been for a great run in the rain by the way. Am feeling great. Sausage and chips in the oven. Well earned me thinks.

Be good to yourself xxx

Hope your ok. Thinking of you x

Hi SA & Keely,

I am fine. Everything  is OK...thanks for checking in.

S&B xx

So it's been quite  an emotional  roller coaster...

I completely  flipped at work the other day and within my rights was very justifiable reaction ...still don't  feel too good about it but other departments best stop  taking a P**s...I think I passed the message very clear ..even if on my expense..no suspension  tho which I was kinda expecting...

Yup...temper is my downfall.  I should just take deep breaths Instead of letting  red mist set at a time. I'm like unstoppable  rocket then...seriously,  even I get scared of myself sometimes ?

Sister stuff is ...o*g...it gave me right stress. And, to top it off, she once again reminded me of my wrongdoings  with this addiction and I just lost it again...I told not to dare to compare us!! She is no better than me...no matter what choice of poison and just once again to retaliate - I am somehow  digging  myself out and am far better than I was 3,4 years ago. I am very close to clear it all. I never missed payments  and I NEVER had an offer to go bankrupt! So she better rein herself  in! I will help when I can but I don't even react when she cries about a £10 she is short to avoid fines on overdraft.  I don't flinch anymore..want money - ask. I offered 4 days ago last time. ...?..maybe she is scared to ask but ya know...nobody helped me to dig myself outta financial hole and to my understanding,  you have to do it yourself...and so, I'm not gonna bail her out once again. Made your bed up...etc.....

So that's  me. 

Over 240 days free. Enjoying  seeing  my debt going down, almost...almost free from it  all...proud indeed.

As of work...I even dream of the s**t I was dropped in so guess these rest days will not be very restful..sigh. .being too responsible worker sometimes  comes with negatives...but so it be.

Deep breaths.

S&B xx