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Hey Al,

I'm good thanks! Left chat because  chose to avoid full blown argument  and negative  emotions.  Was triggered I guess. World is full  of negativity and so is my job and tbf, I am having  enough  of that so if I have a choice, I shall remove myself from such situations.  We all know negativity  breeds like fleas! Besides there is honesty sadness,  desperation  and reaching out and there is......I rest my case here.

So yeah...im good. Looking at the bright side ?

Freda....thanks for your honesty  and I hear you. Not sure what else to say on a subject.  I shall ponder about it.

Diary,

It's COLD outside! Brrrr,  winter is deffo on a way. 

Busy with work and gym and enjoying  rest when I can. Pondering if to put Xmas tree up next week, maybe will or maybe following  week. I remember  this time last year I wasn't in a good place, so even thinking  of festivities  this year, is a step forward.  Guess getting  shopping  done already is taking pressure off!

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi,

Great to see you pop in before you start another awesome shift, where nothing less than heart & soul will do in order to make other peoples lives better. On the gambling front you're doing fantastic. Keep being you.

Best

Al

Thanks Al,

Had few days off now and still few to go. It doesn't  sit well with me. All this stopping  and ...ummm...out of routine stuff. Kinda forces me to assess my wellbeing  and where my head is at and I guess thats what I'm not keen on.

Ya see work keeps me on my toes. Its somebody  else's problems  and not mine. My mind is always focused  and active...busy with other things. Time off however  makes me think. 

Today was a sad day. Too many memories,  again, I'm not keen on these.

On a positive,  I'm ready for Xmas. Tree up and presents wrapped up.  Made myself look nice and so on...yet, the spirit is not keeping  me upbeat. I even skipped gym today, simply not upto it and to be fair, by 1pm I was ready to call it a day. Still  am...I guess no joy with my life.

But I have my lil girl. My lovely friend and companion.  I thank dear Lord daily for her presence.  I guess one positive  is me being able to spend  time with her....no matter where my head is at. She is proof of my existence and tomorrow. 

No gambling.  Even if I'm not 100% within  myself, I will not make matters worse. Its waste of time & money. None of this would of been possible  if I still dabbled on slots. No way. There would be no Xmas tree nor presents...just shot mind and soul. I shall take abstinence.  Almost 200 days and I am getting  bk on track.

S&B xx

Diary,

I had nice few days off with lil one. These days makes me realise  of how big bond we have. You know, Xmas tree and stuff, it is actually to make festivities longer because I don't know how long I've got left with her. So, basically every minute counts. My time same as hers.

I absolutely hate the working  days. Why? Because I lie day in day out ..."love you baby, I will be back soon, go to sleep". I lie because I never truly know that I will be back...but I guess I just leave her with that false sense of hope. ...I do return however ...after all I promised?

Today I attempted  to cut/ grind down her nails. Oh that drama queen! Bearing  in mind she is tonnes of weight (plus belly flop) she could have my eyes out when scared...yet she didn't...she just been her own drama queen running around and coming  back for some more treatment with me holding  some treats in my hand ?‍♀️..gotta love those moments..she is a gentle giant  indeed.

I guess I just love my girl...more than myself. She has taken my bed and now hot water bottle.  Yes that's  right! She loves it...

All this care and careful consideration.  I have it in buckets.  I wonder if I had a person  nearby I could love as much I do my lil one. Somehow , I don't  think it's possible  because there are no pure souls like that...but...never say never huh..

All I know, I am a human being,  sensitive  yet unique  in my own way and I shall pat my back for it.

G'night  all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Been a while. No time really to update. Progressed quite brutal training...seriously, never even imagined something  like that is possible but thanking  the stars for my persistent  training in gym! Yeah man- I am a iron woman after all ??

Tired tired tired is all I think recently.  Still am laughing  to myself when lil girl steals my hot water bottle. She will end up on it No matter where its placed...feet, belly or legs...  lol...such a smile provider, love her to pieces!

No gambling  concerns..

Stay safe all

S&B xx

get a spare 😉 my cat tried to sit on top of my cup of coffee once, as it was nice and warm for her b*m, haha!

Ha,...yup Freda, i guess it would be the best option..

Diary,

Crashed in the past 3 days. When things seem to balance out  and not be so overwhelming, something  bites me in the backside and I return to square one.

Not sure why I feel like I do but it's not a good feeling.  Flat, uninterested,  sad, ...feel like in life's  crisis. 

I struggle  with emotions  but last night I balled my eyes out. Maybe was due for a good cry but it was proper sadness talking. 

So am not sure what to do next. I said no to overtime,  maybe it's a good start? I need money as treating myself came at a painful price but I I aware that excessive  hours does me zero good. Last 3 days are the result  of madness.. 

Maybe this will shift. Maybe it's all Xmas period? And maybe I am just burned out. Better days will vote, I know its possible..just Nedd to deal with today first, be kind to myself, allow the acception  of being only human.. that's what I am...only human.

S&B xx

Ps. No gambling 

Hi diary,

Going  through  quite heightened  emotions  these days and sadness  turns to anger and back to sadness again. Figured this precise time of the year affects many of us, that's included my sister. As we know she is worse with managing  money than I am and we keep falling  out because she keeps asking for money and then on the other hand - purchasing  stuff she doesn't  need. It frustrates me as I am struggling  financially  myself this month.  Yet the cycle continues. I say I haven't  got any spare to lend...and so pause of silence follows and I eventually  give in. Week on basis now. Like a hamster wheel. I don't  say "don't worry  about paying  back in a rush"..anymore...no...I say nothing and she does pay back only to borrow again following  week.

So that's  me. Apart from these arguments,  a lot more goes on at work and personal  life. Gym keeps me together  even if only for a day after session. I think that's  why I keep coming  back...almost every day to get that feel good medicine.

Want more warmth and sun. These short days and constant  darkness  affects me. Just 4 days ago I truly hit rock bottom  mentally but somehow bounced back...partially but at least am not feeling this overwhelming thoughts.  Those are the worst. 

Sweet escape to slots did cross my mind but I manage to shake them off pretty quickly.  Kind of realise what that would bring. Nothing  positive  indeed...so I am hanging  around here more, I  attend chats and talk. 

I also contact advisers (once this week) but for some reason am restricted  on there on how long I have to talk. This really upsets me because you cannot put timer on someone's  emotional state and just cut the conversation off when time's up. I understand if I was a nuisance calling every day. I don't. I don't accept support  easily. I find it difficult  to take instead of giving  so please don't  think I use the services  lightly. When I called, I was I crisis...proper crisis and I guess experience wasn't  too uplifting  due to the above.

Ok, rant over I guess. Will start marathon  with work shortly and first day off will be 20th December for a few days and then 1st Jan.  That's quite a long run huh...but needs must.

Stay safe all, continue  on your journeys to better and more peaceful  future. You're  worth it.

S&B xx

Dear SB28,

Thank you for sharing your feelings regarding the interactions you have had with an Adviser on the Helpline.

It would be useful if moving forward this feedback could be posted in the Feedback section or emailed to: forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk , so we can discuss any individual arrangements we agreed before, in case this needs to be reviewed.

Take care and all the best,

Forum Admin

Sorry to hear that SB x

Hi diary,

A bit of sleepless  night tbh. No sleep at all..saying  that, lil one couldn't  settle either. Had a bit of distraction  with work which didn't  help as well as ongoing  issues with sis. I actually  remarked something  along the lines " try extra job, this way you may be able to start paying  me back too". Now I know this is not nice remark, and maybe for once I but before I got bitten but she worried last night when phoned     ....said she "had enough  of struggling  and cooking only not living her life"...she sounded jokey so I joked bk with " can give you crisis line number ". Not cool...I know..but I was honest. Trouble  with her - she cannot reach for help at all...where its me...all pissy pants wanting to talk/share. I worried about this last night same as something  from here.  Guess it kept me awake. I have to phone her really...just to check in but present thoughts  are " if her hubby didn't  raise alarm bells, or nephew,, or police...- she is safe and well". In a way I am not in emotional  position  to offer support  myself ...but guess need to make that call.

Work was interesting  today. Many asked how I was and many received  the reply of a bit "poo"...but its the time of the year.

Trouble  is I cannot pin point what is triggering  me recently,  many things seem to come at once.

Yet, show must go on.

No gambling. 

Saturday safe all

Xx

I get ya. It is a bit pooh. Its a hard time of year isn't it?

I think we just dig deep, wait for the Omicron wave to pass and look forward to spring.

Hugs (((SA))) x

Hi diary,

& thanks you SA ? we do what we can to stay afloat right!

So yup..im just running  around like a hamster. Colleagues  are dropping  like flies due to positive covid cases and tbf, it's extremely  worrying because we gonna have none left pretty soon. We were told to do flateral tests daily now and so far I'm OK but ...when I mean people gets infected  on daily basis now, I simply  don't  know what tomorrow will bring...because I had contact  with all who is infected  now.

I sence another lockdown  really soon and even thinking  just to drop sisters  presents to her on Monday/Tuesday.  Maybe panicking  but ..I am almost sure where we are heading.

Gym...o*g if that gets closed that will be disaster for me! I really  need that outlet to help me with my wellbeing...since only just recently  I started to accomplish good results with body transformation. 

Felt low last couple  of days. To be honest unwanted images and stuff returned in one go and I went through  PTSD nightmare with those. It's difficult....its difficult  to see images in front of you in such "real" pictures... It's soul destroying really...

..but I'm holding  on...holding on and taking up minute at a time most of the days. I function, I get up & go to do what I have to do for the day.

On some occasions  I cry but I have this wonderful  little girl who just simply kisses tears away...I am so greatful  for her ?.  She truly helps.

Not much  else to report. Let's see what tonight  brings!

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Thinking of you at this testing time. 

Your best is all you have and it's more than good enough.

f x

Thank you Freda,

Well, diary, time truly flies. Can't  believe we are almost there! Has been busy few days but did enjoy my day off yesterday! One and only one lol. Its OK, things has to be done and world doesn't  stop turning  just because its Christmas. 

Guess just wanted to wish you all peaceful  and content time over the next few days and big day itself. Maybe it's also a good time to reflect on our lives and forgive  ourselves  for whatever mistakes we may of made.

Be kind to yourselves, 

All the best 

S&B xx