...

Oh...ps..had a lengthy chat with dad today. It was good to hear his voice. Some comfort.  Mum didn't  want to speak to me..but it's OK, she also has her days. 

Does it hurt me? Am not sure tbh...it was awkward when dad said she is coming to speak to me and then this gap of nothing  and then just further conversation  with dad and we can to the end of catch up & of call. But I understand,  no explanation  needed I suppose. 

Hi diary,

A bit of a rollercoaster of a week. Badly abusing alcohol and know it does not do me any favours...but...but I guess I am not done with it yet. 

On a positive,  I very slowly started to talk again. Figured that keeping pain inside is also not doing me much favours. So I message one person or another and update them with my current situation.  Have zero expectations because those are bad. ..so I slightly  open up and if feel it needs to be - close down again. Still progress I suppose.

Another tragic news yesterday but this time I didn't  know the person. Its just same field of work and its getting  very alarming about the real struggles so many faces ?. What is happening  with MH? It's really sad....

Gambling- none of it thankfully. Glad I am  not able to sabotage  myself in that respect.  It wouldn't  be good at all. 

Still counting  days till pay day and its nearing closer now. I need some footwear but am reluctant to spend a penny because I need to save up what I wasted over past two months. 

Enjoying warm weather. Had a nice walk in the forest with friend who I see maybe once in two years now. We had an open/honest chat about life and struggles. I do hope I helped her a bit as she is on a low recently herself. We had bbq afterwards  and chilled evening.  It was good to have company  really and I think for the first time in past month I genuinely smiled and had a laugh at some conversations.  From the heart...those means so much to me. You just know when you don't  fake it as it comes from the belly ?

Life goes on. I'm glad it does and I'm glad I didn't  make drastic  choices during these difficult  weeks. I messaged someone over the pond today and openly explained  how actually  terrifying  it felt my own feet slipping from platform of life. It is scary....but balance is being slowly regained. Time...Time and patience and sleep kindness.  ...and hopefully  better choices in life are ahead.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Ahh, btw..I read a quote which jumped out at me. (I am weird like that, searching  for inspiring words when going gets tough... I call it desperate measures I must take in life to aid myself)

Here goes 

" Enjoy the moment because it's later than you think" - by ....im not even sure however it gives me a lot of meanings...about time, life, moments...

Laters- S& beloved B ❤

Hi diary,

Yesterday  was very nice and peaceful  day. My soul felt like lifting a bit and sheet of comfort  and light has landed on this heart.

My lovely friend from a cross the globe has truly comforted me with her words. I felt I can share absolutely  darkest thoughts I had and she helped me find the meaning in my mindset and untangle confused strings. Never judgemental and always so assuring. Yes, we talked suicide and how blind we can be to life sometimes...In the moment of confusion  and deep sadness.  It helped me to understand  that it's not my time yet, that there is more in today and tomorrow and I truly appreciate  this new mindset. I have hope, I have peace and love. I am loved. My soul is light and I am very grateful for what I have.

She also said that angels are real and I am fortunate  to have one...the best one by my side ♥...my little girl ???

Talking and supporting another user on here AnonAngel has also helped me loads. It's good to talk...its good to be of some use, no matter how small it is...besides we don't know how big impact we make to people sometimes. The chat helped me so much,...I am grateful. You see, little things are truly move mountains..

Today I shall continue with this peaceful feeling and light in my soul. I will make the day to my own gratitude and self care. Starting with a relaxing  walk and then gym session and possibly  lovely cooking later on. 

Life is what we make it to be. Forgiveness and self love has to come as priority. 

Stay safe everyone,  much love

S&B xx

Hi diary,

I struggled  again last night with the sadness following  the loss of this great man.

Adviser on here kindly listened and suggested a bereavement forum which I have visited and signed up for. Browsing through it and posts this morning was very intense and raw. Too much for me to handle I must say. Every single passing I dealt with, jumped right back at me and now I'm sitting grieving around 12 people at once. It's intense and painful. I feel very strong force of it also..like this energy of pain and asking for help. The loved ones, the questions,  the trauma and shock. All of it...sigh.. 

I couldn't  contribute on forum but I emailed the volunteers there instead. Found voice inside me to put everything in writing. Maybe feel a bit lighten now.

I'm confused  as I seem to make progress  with everything  but setback follows. I know there is no time limit on grief and we should take as much as it needs but I'm hoping  and praying that with time it will become  easier.  Simply cannot manage all these reoccurring images and stuff...

Ummm, payday soon. Bank balance is quite unhealthy  now but I still need to eat and feed lil one. I shall make something  nice for both of us today.

No gambling...that's positive.

Stay safe all and look after yourselves.

S&B xx

Good morning diary,

A bit teary today but holding it all together.  I started watching funny vids on YouTube to lift me up a bit. Like Britain's  got talent or X factor funny moments and stuff. A lot funny videos I must say, however  so tear jerkers  also. Emotional auditions...

Ummm...im not sleeping  well and up at around 7am ..terrible for me lol..need to catch up on sleep however  it gives perfect  opportunity to take lil one when it's still cool. Yesterday,  about 10pm I taken her to the river. Oh...the joy in her eyes! She doesn't  like pool, water hose or anything  to do with water at home (not even bath time!) ...but show her the stream, she drags me into it also lol...it made me feel better knowing  that she could properly  cool down.

It was my dad's bday gone weekend  and we had a nice chat over the phone. Not sure how old he is and embarrassed  to ask because I should know. Late 70's i believe. My bday upon me v soon and just want it to go. It hasn't  been the greatest of years,  esp with my MH deteorating. 

I went on that forum again and I really  try to offer support  but it's very raw. I'm  not able to post to others. When I read it seems like they're  talking about someone  I knew. It's crazy really...how pain and grief is so similar to so many. It leaves such a emotional  wreckage...I honestly did not realise this to such extent...

I think I upset my American  friend  also and...im very sorry...maybe I should of kept my grief to myself all along...

Soon will be going back to work and even if not prepared,  at least it will keep me occupied.  Already aware how much I got to do upon my return as read work emails and..yup, life doesn't  stop. 

Not sure what else to say. Lonely as always..didn't do much at all over these 2 weeks and it was sad time for most of this period if I'm honest. 

...but at least I did not self destruct with slots. It is a month in two days...tomorrow  is sad day because its a month since he has passed away.

Take care all

S&B xx

Hi,...

Today shouldn't  of ended like this as it was (supposed  to be ) a happy day. It still lingers around..but man...just man..why did you left us like that? Why...why did you not share your struggles..the SAME I'm going through. I feel anger, I could punch you and I know you would swiftly restrain me....but that's not the point! I feel I could of helped you...I been through  the mill...man....instant  decisions  with permanent  solutons huh.....its NOT you..and THAT'S  what hurts the most.

Miss you man...truly miss you!!!!!! Stay safe out there.. 

https://youtu.be/dev1DY_Tux8

Diary,

I am struggling.  Last night was a proper trip I taken mentally  I don't even remember  parts of it. Spoke to someone  on here and then an hour or so later received  call from here (welfare  check) and I don't  remember anything  I said to the person.. it was a state i found myself  in...

Today (yesterday  now) I managed to get to work...let me tell you about my disciplined time keeping- I am always half hour, 20 mins before shift.  It gets me anxious  if I'm any later...well..today (yesterday  now) I was 4mins late....and didn't  really care..didn't  stress..I was in a daze...

The things what keeps me here is my family. I never felt so much love as I did yesterday  as it was my bday. Sister ...she is worried...I can tell by her actions.  She is carefully  threading  around me..ya see, we never had close relationship  and I am not open to her...but I guess time has come  where she truly sees through  me and is just..bein gentle with me. That's  all I need tbf...

Ummm...I feel I lost everything.  ...drive, smile, positivity, reason and hope...hope...I never wanted to lose it really...but things are difficult,  truly are.

I opened up to my colleague  today, because there is nothing else to lose. I'm an empty shell. I told him that I'm struggling and possibly  abusing alcohol.  Rest of revelations regarding my other issue (gambling) is coming closer to light because...I simply have nothing  to hide anymore. ..maybe it will explain  something  to them.

Gym and lil one is not helping.  Truly don't  know why...just doesn't  work this time. Am I in too deep end? I fear I am...

Lil one was poorly today too..another stress on this mind..ummm..I shall do my best to look after her and give her love/comfort.

I'm gonna give this new team/new place a trial. If I am like I am, I am quitting  the job all together.  I'm no good like this...and as much as I would like to, I have no energy  to pick myself  up this time.

I'm sorry dear diary..im just sorry.

Day at a time I guess

My little  one made me very emotional  this morning.  

I got in about 2.30AM and was so tired driving  back, I had to roll windows down and keep fresh air coming in as was definitely  dozing off. 

When I turned into my street and approached  the driveway, I glanced at the top room window. It's girl's  room which is facing  front. She has her lil settee and a lil cupboard to sit and do neighbourhood  watch lol...(she loves it!!)

Anyway, I kept hallway  light on for her and when I glanced  up, I've seen these beautiful  ears and a face looking down at me (a ear and a half). It honestly  made my heart skip a beat as I didn't  expect  her to sit up at this time. She usually  sleeps on my return  so this was really heartwarming  experience.  

I had to turn around for parking and she continued  to watch me and when I finally  parked I've  seen her disappearing  from window...I had to think how long she sat here and how many cars passed through  with her wondering  if its me ?

She greeted me with wagging tail and loads of kisses! She literally  made my morning a little better...post.. yet another traumatic  shift.

In normal circumstances I would say I wish I taken a picture  at the moment  I saw her at the window...but not this time...because what I felt will  be forever  imprinted  in my heart!priceless  memory  for sure....

That's  me. No gambling. 

Slowly does it

Xx

I'm so sorry you're feeling so depleted. I'm wary of giving advice, so I want to just tell you a story instead. Sometimes it's better to just share experiences when you relate.

I'm not up to date with your story, life has gotten so busy lately that I haven't found time to come to the forum for a couple of months, I think.

Anyway, the story I wanted to share: I used to feel like everyone around me was a weird zombie. I cared SO MUCH about the suffering people were going through. I would get so fired up and angry about the injustice that people faced. All around me, all I saw, was people not stepping up to intervene, to speak up for vulnerable people. I remember feeling soooo frustrated and disillusioned. I had terrible mental health troubles myself but felt someone had to speak up and do the right thing. Speaking up in workplaces, against the disability system and the agenda to boot people off of disability in order to meet targets. It was so disturbing to me, so wrong, immoral, psychopathic, cruel, abusive. No-one really seemed to care. I deteriorated from speaking up and getting fired up. I kept saying to people "well, SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING!!!" It made me ill, it made me unable to function in my own life. It made me more vulnerable. It almost took me under. 

I realised that I couldn't cope with trying to protect and save everyone. I couldn't manage the anger and frustration and I realised that I was trying to give other people what I didn't feel I had. It scared me how widespread it was, that there was such a lack of concern for people who weren't coping and needed someone to be there and help them. I didn't want to accept and live with the realisation, the reality, that there are so many people who don't have the strength to fight for their rights and who don't have anyone willing to do it for them, or even to help. It was painful to experience for myself. I didn't want anyone else experiencing it. 

I turned a corner when I realised that instead of being angry and frustrated that no-one was there for me, I had to take responsibility for myself and my own wellbeing. It was too dangerous and vulnerable to rely on others. I started accepting my own limits. It was hard, when I saw someone in desperate need but I didn't have the energy to help, to walk past. To say sympathetic words but not take it on, try to save them, make it my responsibility. You can't pour from an empty jug, as they say. I began listening to myself, my own body, my spirit. I trusted that I was a good person and would help when I could but it wasn't healthy to do too much of it. It was dragging me down. I started saying "no" more. I started putting myself first more, rather than  a feeling of duty to others. I recognised it as an unhealthy and imbalanced rule I'd been taught right from being little. That you have to save other people, rescue them and if you don't, you're not a good person. That rule was dragging me under and killing me. 

There are lots of unpleasant jobs in society that someone has to do. Not knowing what yours is, I can't comment directly, but to name a few examples: crisis worker, paramedic, police officer, prison officer, forensic work dealing with corpses that are disfigured, soldier, child protection worker, bouncer, slaughterhouse worker. All of those jobs, I imagine involve regular trauma, distress, exposure to disturbing scenes/violence. Not everyone can do them. Not many can do them for a prolonged period of time. The people who somehow manage? They tend to have very strong, supportive networks, partners, family, friends, who rally round and help them to cope. OR they become traumatised and disturbed and turn to addiction. Not many people cope with these jobs long-term and stay well and happy. I realised - eventually - that I was in no fit state to do any particularly challenging job and stopped trying to force myself to cope when I couldn't - because SOMEONE has to. It's OK to save yourself, rather than go down with a sinking ship.

f x

Hey hun, thanks for the post.

I absolutely  get where you're  coming  from and agree with you 100%. We cannot pour from the empty and I've  been doing  it for biggest part of the year now. Truly difficult. 

I guess its cause I haven't  got my own personal  life..I mean, no family.  This propels me to concentrate  on others which ultimately  chips away at my own wellbeing.  I soaked so much others pain I don't  even see the reality anymore. 

Balance is crucial and I haven't  got that.

Nothing  changes if nothing  changes. We both know the drill but I find it very difficult  to break this cycle. ...cycle which slowly leading  to my own death...and I have to be honest with myself here. It will come at this rate...sooner or later.

I know better life is out there. Things are not as dark in the world of living. ..its just my world, the choice I made...to enter that dark side of the universe.

I have no plan going  forward.  Either another breakdown or something  has to change in my life to finally  make that step and free myself from this misery. ..but its not the time yet...for some reason I continue  to choose to hold on onto this lifestyle  I have...maybe cause in the middle of darkness, I still manage to light the way forward  to others. ..and just maybe these 10% of "good" outweighs the 90% of bad. 

Thanks again for touching  the base, keeping busy is positive. Keep leading  your life in healthier  manner than the hurtful  addiction. Much love ❤

Diary,

Awful shift last night. I cannot even put into words and so shall just leave it as it is.

Another one tonight and I'm.....recharged with a little love & light from lil one...this should see me through the shift.

Blessings

S&B xx

My life is really  not worth  the hassle.

I say this because I'm tired of constant struggle.  I'm not interested  in changes/aspirations  and the rest. No...I want to be left alone, in my own little bubble. This ultimately  gives me depression  and so..I am stuck I between...do what I don't  really want to do - get out there...or stay still and drown deeper. 

That's  quite a dilemma  huh.

I don't  enjoy  life. I never have. ...and it's not fair that I have to survive  for others. Truly not fair. 

Dear Lord...how much longer I have to suffer?

Keep getting those feelings out.

Some thoughts that came to mind, when I read your post - What would your life look like, if you lived it for YOU rather than others? If you were putting yourself first? When you say "yes" to something you don't want to do, you say "no" to yourself.

f x

If I lived it for myself  f, I would sleep all the way so I don't  have to face the world. Seriously.  I AM NOT INTERESTED  IN LIVING. I honestly lost everything  I worked hard for. I do have my baby girl tho and she needs the joys and light of the world so I do that for her.

I woke up at 9am today...and some strange forces dragged me back to bed/sleep...till 1pm...almost 2. I love that world...truly do. It happens more often  recently where I physically  cannot get up...weird feeling but now I'm welcoming  it. I rather drift off to the other world...

Anyway, sound strange I know...but here we go. I guess I'm slowly loosing myself. 

I did go to the gym & had good dinner. And a walk also. That's  my day...day in day out apart work.

That's me. No gambling. 

S&B xx

Hi diary 

It's been one of those days in the office...chaotic, tense, sad, surprising,  dangerous, empathetic....etc....normal day in the office I suppose...lots of swearing towards the end cause I guess my bucket was empty...I was as good as gold two mins later after a rant to my colleague ?

Miss boss...still cannot accept the reality. Its like he is on holiday  and I'm waiting  for a catch up...?....sigh....its been difficult  day really. 

Only now I see how past lockdown  affects people. Like aftershock.  You would think everything  is back to normal but NOW seems to be the most crucial  time to recover....or give up...sadly I see a lot of giving up...really sad...

I ranted & raved how I enjoyed some peace and q for a while and world stood still...I think it affected me more than I let on...and ppl around me...again...I guess I wasn't exactly looking in too much and weighing  the emotions.

I'm here tho...work almost 24/7 and huge changes on a way but I think that's  all I need at this time. Break this awful place I still find myself in. I need new challenges  and goals to help me pick myself up.

I will still care and I will still do my best. I don't  know other way...I am ...sort of sponge.

I did some excellent  work outs last two months. Planning  to keep those up. A lot more than two years ago. I see the results  too...plus, my mind needs a let out more than ever now.

No harmful  gambling.  I shall leave it there. Approaching 2 months in 2 weeks...lol...that's  optimistic  of me.

Stay safe all OK...please talk if you struggle. Now is the time  and you're  not alone I your struggles.

S&B xx