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SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi diary,

 

Sister informed me of sad news yesterday that my dad's brother has died. She also stated that dad goes funeral today and does not want us phoning.

 

This upset me cause i was non the wiser about this news. Yeah, i didn't phone for few days but what stops him phoning me?

...so..i just felt pretty low today. I eventually decided to ring him even if he asked us not to.

He was on a way from funeral just now. He sounded very sad which is understandable...deflated almost. 

 

He informed me that his brother died tragically. Mother nature over there didn't help things one bit..its minus 17 there...so pretty cold.

 

I am a bit in shock, but not due to circumstances....simply cause i honestly didn't think dad has any alive siblings left. Shame on me really..i never met any of them and i guess he never really spoke about them...nor kept in contact. All i knew, is that dad is the youngest in the family...

 

So..awkward bit is..i still don't even know the name of him, nor can imagine how he looks like...

 

..but...putting all this aside - RIP dear uncle. My thoughts are with all of you...i know you or not, i still love you...

 

S&B xx

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th February 2021 5:21 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi diary,

 

Not so good week tbf... my mental health suffering and i slowly isolate from society again. Even don't wanna spk to my mate or parents, or sister. Few things may of contributed i guess..burned out i think..just don't want anything anymore. Dont cook or eat for few days now..ordered take away yesterday...leftovers will do for today too..and probs tomorrow..cooking for lil girl became a chore too last few days..but have to bounce bk at least for her. 

 

Work gone downhill also. Im not week's leave now and even if could pick up OT, that's the last place i want to be in. 

I fell out with my boss on last shift. Our opinions differed and i made it known to him same as he did to me.. I did my job, went over v important circle of risk assessment and in my eyes the risk was pretty visible & present....so i did what i had to do...for some reason (probs lack of confidence), i decided to run my rationale through him...and that's when it blew. He managed to shot me down to my knees tbf. What hurt the most, was him saying that im too compassionate & caring....huh??? I thought its part of values we must carry for the role?

In the end, i had to call the person back and explain his rationale. Not sure what was more degrading really 😒..of course person wasn't happy and of course person stated that i dont care and our service is S***e and we just let them be and suffer...i didn't have much to respond to that apart that i didn't say what person rellayed bk and that was not my words and that im sorry...

I spent the rest of shift isolating..peed off too...i completed the forms i started following my rationale. They would of gone through boss anyway to reassess them and the risk. I left it like that.. if he didn't see what i saw...he could of downgraded..and possibly he did to tell you the thruth.

 

Sometimes you cannot please everyone in this job...and its not about pleasing really..its about giving them best and fair service all the time.

 

Anyway...feel like gambling today..just a bit down..my hair is a mess as its ginger like hell and even blue shampoo does not do the trick! So im all over the place really..

 

I had dark thoughts to following the argument. Yes, i thought of suicide...but is job ever worth that?

 

Stay safe all

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd February 2021 3:40 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hiya.... never do any thing daft because of work. At the end of the day, its a job to pay the bills. We are more than simply what we do for a living. Trouble is we spend so much time at work or thinking about work that it can consume are every waking thought and then when we have a bad day it can feel like the end of the world.

I have also been struggling with poor mental health recently, waking between 3 and 4 every morning and ruminating on stuff and sometimes pacing around getting myself all worked up. But as for work, my recent stressors are now beginning to pass and hopefully my mental state will improve, as am sure yours will too. A little time and space to process stuff and youl be back to a better way of thinking and being.

Enjoy some time away from the job. Chillax and relax.

Hugs from Me ((( You ))) x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd February 2021 11:26 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)

Excellent post by S.A. You are a wise, compassionate soul with good understanding.

 

Dearest Sandra.

Please please please be kind towards Sandra. Life is an adventure and there can be plenty of pitfalls along the way so it is imperative that we give ourselves plenty of support and encouragement.

You have been working very hard recently in your profession and at your sisters so you are no doubt suffering through fatigue.

An uncle passed away recently and you feel guilty because you didn't know him! Why oh why should you feel guilty? He was not a part of your life when you were growing up and that was his choice.

You quite rightly felt guilty when you fell asleep driving the car. That was dreadful and must never happen again but don't dwell on it because you did it unintentionally. 

It is very important that you take good care of yourself and provide your body with all the necessary nutrients to maintain it in peak physical condition. Not sure why you cook meals for Bella! I don't have a dog but thought they ate food out of tins along with dog biscuits.

Finally I salute and applaud your excellent progress in remaining gamble-free. You are an absolute treasure and I find you truly inspiring.

 

Aum x 

This post was modified 2 days ago by Aum
ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 12:57 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

Hi SA and Stephen...thank you so much guys! Its appreciated xx

 

Yesterday was a test indeed..it went a bit more downhill and ended up with me giving earache to dad and big worry about mum! (She fell and injured her head!)...then i had a massive argument with sister! Why? Cause of money of course! Told her instead of rambling about money, phone dad and see what mental state he is in!..she put the phone down on me...typical...

 

I worked myself up to a state where i Aboslutely had to talk to someone. Of course, guardian angels here at GC saved me again. Wonderful adviser Keely brought my emotions down from rocket sky high to more manageable calmer level..to which i will be forever greatful! She let me talk and listened...and that's all human being needs to be fair..helps rationalise things. Ended chat almost with a  smile (lets not push it 😉) & urges were almost gone...again, massive thank you to all the team here! You're amazing and its good to chat now and again.

 

Today i woke up still feeling a bit bahh..i had that rewind technique session and was Aboslutely rubbish at it..getting stuck in memory not being able to snap out...but we managed it eventually...i think we did..and i hope to put this precise incident to correct place in my head...finally...just store it safely.

 

Then sister texted..still rambling about money but stating that she phoned parents and spoken to both...no concern for their welfare...which again...made me think "is it me?"..or is dad over dramatize to me?...so i dunno...i phoned them again and spoken to both too. Dad is almost drunk so didn't want to continue chat with him as impossible to listen to him and just winds me up..so spoke to mum who was in high spirits..stating she now has a bump to her head which a bit sore...my advice once again was to seek medical help...

 

Then i had another headache with remortgage papers and managed to mess that up too but hopefully its now rectified and i will not be penalised the early exit fee. Simply cauze i will stay with current provider till my fixed mortgage deal ends...

 

Ummm..nephew's bday today and i still didn't phone. Big 16 huh....and i can't be bothered to even make a trip to pass him presents. (They are in my social bubble). 

 

Just about managing to cook now as aware i need hot food down me..

 

I have urges again and the devil on my shoulder became pretty intense and "clever" cause it found a way round blocks...cause i got diff bank card which is...basically virtual one...so now im thinking and plotting a session...or devil on my shoulder is?...sigh...not easy...at all...i want that escape but i don't want what follows..so dunno what to do..its jist a bit too intense for my liking..

 

That's me...minute at a time

 

S&B xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 3:48 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

And so...more to the last..i let devil win.  Im no longer g free person in this society. I haven't learned a thing in all this time..

 

Blocks helps but its not everything.  Structured recovery plan and programme ..is.

 

Very regretfully (already) im.back in a game..take care diary.....take care 😞

ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 5:11 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)

Hope you are ok Sandra. 

It seem you have been troubled by many things recently and the end result is that you have gambled. That is a shame but the main concern is your well being.

Please have a good rest, clear your mind of worries and than continue with your recovery.

 

Thinking of you and asking the angels to bring you comfort.

Aum x 

This post was modified 1 day ago by Aum
ReplyQuote
Posted : 23rd February 2021 11:35 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)

It is really difficult to accept lil girl's compassion and love..it sends me to tears really..really struggling with that...those hugs and woofs...those comfort snuggles...she is full of those..always has been..

..same as fake smile and jolly voice with sister..my dirty secret must be kept quiet huh...so that's a struggle too..

 

..can't bring myself ring parents as it would just set me off completely..i must buy my time here..

 

Talking about buying time...i did that today..went for a walk and not so essential journey..to clear my head...fully well knew what i will do on my return..urges after all...so come back and did what i did..sigh..more down the drain..

 

Im done with thinking really. The struggle is when those tears just rolls down the face and i think w*f..i don't really think, it just happens..

 

Its so painful i cannot put into words..i simply cant..not today.

 

S&B xx

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Posted : 24th February 2021 7:15 pm
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