...

Hi diary,

Sister informed me of sad news yesterday that my dad's brother has died. She also stated that dad goes funeral today and does not want us phoning.

This upset me cause i was non the wiser about this news. Yeah, i didn't phone for few days but what stops him phoning me?

...so..i just felt pretty low today. I eventually decided to ring him even if he asked us not to.

He was on a way from funeral just now. He sounded very sad which is understandable...deflated almost. 

He informed me that his brother died tragically. Mother nature over there didn't help things one bit..its minus 17 there...so pretty cold.

I am a bit in shock, but not due to circumstances....simply cause i honestly didn't think dad has any alive siblings left. Shame on me really..i never met any of them and i guess he never really spoke about them...nor kept in contact. All i knew, is that dad is the youngest in the family...

So..awkward bit is..i still don't even know the name of him, nor can imagine how he looks like...

..but...putting all this aside - RIP dear uncle. My thoughts are with all of you...i know you or not, i still love you...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Not so good week tbf... my mental health suffering and i slowly isolate from society again. Even don't wanna spk to my mate or parents, or sister. Few things may of contributed i guess..burned out i think..just don't want anything anymore. Dont cook or eat for few days now..ordered take away yesterday...leftovers will do for today too..and probs tomorrow..cooking for lil girl became a chore too last few days..but have to bounce bk at least for her. 

Work gone downhill also. Im not week's leave now and even if could pick up OT, that's the last place i want to be in. 

I fell out with my boss on last shift. Our opinions differed and i made it known to him same as he did to me.. I did my job, went over v important circle of risk assessment and in my eyes the risk was pretty visible & present....so i did what i had to do...for some reason (probs lack of confidence), i decided to run my rationale through him...and that's when it blew. He managed to shot me down to my knees tbf. What hurt the most, was him saying that im too compassionate & caring....huh??? I thought its part of values we must carry for the role?

In the end, i had to call the person back and explain his rationale. Not sure what was more degrading really ?..of course person wasn't happy and of course person stated that i dont care and our service is S***e and we just let them be and suffer...i didn't have much to respond to that apart that i didn't say what person rellayed bk and that was not my words and that im sorry...

I spent the rest of shift isolating..peed off too...i completed the forms i started following my rationale. They would of gone through boss anyway to reassess them and the risk. I left it like that.. if he didn't see what i saw...he could of downgraded..and possibly he did to tell you the thruth.

Sometimes you cannot please everyone in this job...and its not about pleasing really..its about giving them best and fair service all the time.

Anyway...feel like gambling today..just a bit down..my hair is a mess as its ginger like hell and even blue shampoo does not do the trick! So im all over the place really..

I had dark thoughts to following the argument. Yes, i thought of suicide...but is job ever worth that?

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hiya.... never do any thing daft because of work. At the end of the day, its a job to pay the bills. We are more than simply what we do for a living. Trouble is we spend so much time at work or thinking about work that it can consume are every waking thought and then when we have a bad day it can feel like the end of the world.

I have also been struggling with poor mental health recently, waking between 3 and 4 every morning and ruminating on stuff and sometimes pacing around getting myself all worked up. But as for work, my recent stressors are now beginning to pass and hopefully my mental state will improve, as am sure yours will too. A little time and space to process stuff and youl be back to a better way of thinking and being.

Enjoy some time away from the job. Chillax and relax.

Hugs from Me ((( You ))) x

Excellent post by S.A. You are a wise, compassionate soul with good understanding.

Dearest Sandra.

Please please please be kind towards Sandra. Life is an adventure and there can be plenty of pitfalls along the way so it is imperative that we give ourselves plenty of support and encouragement.

You have been working very hard recently in your profession and at your sisters so you are no doubt suffering through fatigue.

An uncle passed away recently and you feel guilty because you didn't know him! Why oh why should you feel guilty? He was not a part of your life when you were growing up and that was his choice.

You quite rightly felt guilty when you fell asleep driving the car. That was dreadful and must never happen again but don't dwell on it because you did it unintentionally. 

It is very important that you take good care of yourself and provide your body with all the necessary nutrients to maintain it in peak physical condition. Not sure why you cook meals for Bella! I don't have a dog but thought they ate food out of tins along with dog biscuits.

Finally I salute and applaud your excellent progress in remaining gamble-free. You are an absolute treasure and I find you truly inspiring.

Aum x 

Hi SA and Stephen...thank you so much guys! Its appreciated xx

Yesterday was a test indeed..it went a bit more downhill and ended up with me giving earache to dad and big worry about mum! (She fell and injured her head!)...then i had a massive argument with sister! Why? Cause of money of course! Told her instead of rambling about money, phone dad and see what mental state he is in!..she put the phone down on me...typical...

I worked myself up to a state where i Aboslutely had to talk to someone. Of course, guardian angels here at GC saved me again. Wonderful adviser Keely brought my emotions down from rocket sky high to more manageable calmer level..to which i will be forever greatful! She let me talk and listened...and that's all human being needs to be fair..helps rationalise things. Ended chat almost with a  smile (lets not push it ?) & urges were almost gone...again, massive thank you to all the team here! You're amazing and its good to chat now and again.

Today i woke up still feeling a bit bahh..i had that rewind technique session and was Aboslutely rubbish at it..getting stuck in memory not being able to snap out...but we managed it eventually...i think we did..and i hope to put this precise incident to correct place in my head...finally...just store it safely.

Then sister texted..still rambling about money but stating that she phoned parents and spoken to both...no concern for their welfare...which again...made me think "is it me?"..or is dad over dramatize to me?...so i dunno...i phoned them again and spoken to both too. Dad is almost drunk so didn't want to continue chat with him as impossible to listen to him and just winds me up..so spoke to mum who was in high spirits..stating she now has a bump to her head which a bit sore...my advice once again was to seek medical help...

Then i had another headache with remortgage papers and managed to mess that up too but hopefully its now rectified and i will not be penalised the early exit fee. Simply cauze i will stay with current provider till my fixed mortgage deal ends...

Ummm..nephew's bday today and i still didn't phone. Big 16 huh....and i can't be bothered to even make a trip to pass him presents. (They are in my social bubble). 

Just about managing to cook now as aware i need hot food down me..

I have urges again and the devil on my shoulder became pretty intense and "clever" cause it found a way round blocks...cause i got diff bank card which is...basically virtual one...so now im thinking and plotting a session...or devil on my shoulder is?...sigh...not easy...at all...i want that escape but i don't want what follows..so dunno what to do..its jist a bit too intense for my liking..

That's me...minute at a time

S&B xx

And so...more to the last..i let devil win.  Im no longer g free person in this society. I haven't learned a thing in all this time..

Blocks helps but its not everything.  Structured recovery plan and programme ..is.

Very regretfully (already) im.back in a game..take care diary.....take care ?

Hope you are ok Sandra. 

It seem you have been troubled by many things recently and the end result is that you have gambled. That is a shame but the main concern is your well being.

Please have a good rest, clear your mind of worries and than continue with your recovery.

Thinking of you and asking the angels to bring you comfort.

Aum x 

It is really difficult to accept lil girl's compassion and love..it sends me to tears really..really struggling with that...those hugs and woofs...those comfort snuggles...she is full of those..always has been..

..same as fake smile and jolly voice with sister..my dirty secret must be kept quiet huh...so that's a struggle too..

..can't bring myself ring parents as it would just set me off completely..i must buy my time here..

Talking about buying time...i did that today..went for a walk and not so essential journey..to clear my head...fully well knew what i will do on my return..urges after all...so come back and did what i did..sigh..more down the drain..

Im done with thinking really. The struggle is when those tears just rolls down the face and i think w*f..i don't really think, it just happens..

Its so painful i cannot put into words..i simply cant..not today.

S&B xx

This is really painful..even if im mindful that i shouldn't expect bed of roses, im literally walking dead for two days now.

Im in & out of consciousness or, lets say "mindfulness". I push myself to act normal and be "present"..this lasts for first hour in the morning..in that hour i manage to feed lil girl, have cup of coffee and take her out...after that, im back in hunging my head low, crying and just roaming the rooms. Im also mindful how important it is to talk and the last thing i need now is isolate. This hosever proves very difficult to execute...i almost try to reach out but then my mind goes on the lines of " are you stupid, you did this to yourself, don't go crawling and crying now"..and so i retract what i want to say or express my emotions. 

Today was beautiful sunny day. I went to sit in a garden for a spell but that didn't last long. I dont think i deserve sun & warmth in my life.

I struggled to speak to dad today but i think i did well. He is ok, got his blood results which are not perfect but at least ticker and other vital organs are ok...that's good.  Really is. Mum is well also..its good too.

Another hour and sis will phone. Im not upto talking really but life goes on..pretense goes on...i was thinking (oh yeah, mind in overdrive!!) what if i tell them?  I just don't know if could handle much more hater towards me tbf. Shame and disappointment.. i do that for myself enough i guess...i truly destroyed myself mentally & emotionally last two days.

It becomes harder and harder to bounce back. My heart aches,..i struggle to breathe..maybe with age, these tricks are becoming more damaging than before? It truly feels impossible to get out of this state. I don't want people to care. I don't care about myself so wish i could tell the rest of them just to give up & forget me. I also feel sad for having lil girl, because she seemingly, keeps that line of life alive. She  makes me to get up and face the day..

What can i say or suggest for other struggling souls?..don't do this to yourselves and your loved ones...the aftermath is heartbreaking...and the small high is definitely not worth it.

I don't do this for money. Im extremely mindful that those sites easy takes money but do full researches in giving you winnings back. Cause i didn't win, i cannot be certain but...i didn't even think if withdrawing at any point really. I gambled to lose. Gambled just because i saw a green light...as soon as you go through that green light, the carnage is unavoidable....

And that's where i find myself at this time...please dont hurt yourselves dear souls..it always ends up in tears.

I also drank myself to coma last night. Don't think i had a lot but guess i am just mentally exhausted...i seem to poison myself from left right and centre recently...sigh...im sorry.

S&B xx

Its probably more about gambling (or drinking) to switch off from how you are feeling.

More about passing time than anything else.

Many of us do or have done exactly the same.

Your not alone.

Time to stop beating yourself up.

You will get to a better place

Thoughts are with you x

Thank you SA..hope you're safe and well!

I am here..still deflated and a bit down/sad (that's a lie...im A LOT of those) but putting foot in front of another no matter what. Today is 3rd day i didn't gamble. Not sure why. Maybe feeling too devastated even for that. Im just a bit empty and emotionally exhausted. Today i thought of punishing myself and working losses back up with overtime but again..is it what i need? To get physically exhausted same as emotionally? ..maybe not..that would be vicious circle i guess. 

I managed to do bits and bobs last few days...from helping sister to doing tip rounds to cleaning my own place...enjoyed the walk in the sun today. Lil girl deffo approved and now just laid flat out resting.

Sis mentioned money yesterday and made a remark of me keeping it all tucked away..ohh..if only she knew ?. She is budgeting my spending too which is rather annoying but let it be. Those "plans" will not see the light of the day anyway...at least not for a good while till i save up some spare cash..

I also installed Gamban today. At least something..something when maddness hits again...

Back to work shortly and last shift still fresh in my mind..getting kicked and scratched first thing in a morning and then falling out with boss...love my job ?. Didnt look into emails or stuff i need to do. Let it be. Whatever happens, im sure i will find out soon.

Will try an early night really. Im ok..feeling ok. Taking it very easy on myself. I need care and not heavy hand now.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

I told my girl i messed up. ..sometimes i just have these honest conversations..

There is a lot of heartache, sadness and tears in this household...but, let's not forget unconditional love, care, joy and smiles...play..

We have balance..truly do. ..

As soon as i broke down in tears, she broke out in demanding barks, not so much lady like ones as her voice got deeper recently...and so she brings her teddy rabbit over..."mommy, let's play tug"....this little gesture makes me smile..absolutely..we have understanding and unity..this is comforting and calming thought...no more tears...peace...pls come in.

She wasn't feeling well today..vomited 3 times..i get a bit angry for a spell...new sofa (which she wasn't allowed on originally)...staircase, hallway....yet, anger does not last long...just until i clean it up...this doesn't take the worry away tho..why she is not digesting her food?

Im nervous about work. I don't want to go. I know new career is truly needed. This is not for me, but..i also have this stubborn character, who pushes through difficulties..for some reason always do..fighting heart huh...but i need safety, i need to come back to lil one after work. Presently i just don't feel it..haven't for the past 3 years. I absolutely need to look gor a new job. I know i can do it but i need to allow myself to loose against my stubbornness..

S&B xx

Ohh what a sad and boring world it would be if we were all the same mr and mrs perfect. I'm getting to live easier with me and my very flawed personality, I will always strive to do better. Bella sees through your flaws and she loves you as the kind honest person you are, learn to see yourself through her eyes. Dogs don't care if we are fat thin ugly pretty.....they care about our human touch kindness ( and obviously a bowl of food !!) You fell over but you're up again now , you are much much stronger than you think. Take care self care and keep making Bella happy xxx

Thank you hun and may God blesses your heart and keeps you safe..much love

I not long come bk home. Run on 3hrs sleep today. Its tough. Feels like its midnight as i feel this tired..i will have an early night.

I didn't manage to take lil one out after work..feel v bad for it..i want to spend more time with her..not just sleep/feed..repeat. ..its sad but i truly have no energy tonight.

It has been difficult day. Yeah, maybe i was distracted with other things but other things were sad and it affected me a bit.. not exactly trauma but maybe shock/unexpected events..yet, i cannot change it..life goes on...we carry on...just too many q's of why. Not sure why other's started affecting me so much...

Its gonna be a long week...but, i shall replace tiredness for urges..this way, i may as well keep my safety net in place.

G'night diary

Please stay safe all and please know..there are people ready to listen if going gets hard...you're never alone. Dont make permanent solution to temporary problem. We all designed to live to the best of our abilities and light is definitely there..be kind to you x

S&B xx

Struggling today. No sleep at all last night. Sent home from work as look a mess...

Nit sure if last relapse last week actually done me in or snowballing situations at work (as yesterday).

Had counselling session whilst in "a office"...deep one..heavy one & painful..

Tried and hoped & prayed to speak to someone from here i feel comfortable with...another blow in a face..i don't know what else to do..i am being told not to isolate but that's the only way i know..

Pls God help me to see things clear..just for now/for today.

S&B xx