...

I'm really sorry to hear your struggling sb I saw the trigger warning and then saw your post I didnt see anything wrong with it.

I'm feel sad that you dont feel supported tonight Sb you should have been offered support like peers have.

I'm really sorry your feeling like this you shouldnt suffer in silence 

Xx 

Thanks Lou, appreciated!

Thank you all for support yesterday...Drama, i mustered the strength and went to the gym yesterday. Battered the treadmill till i could no longer feel my feet and did weights till i could no longer lift. Not sure it helped as frustrated feeling still lingered around all day & night at work. I was super grumpy.

Not sure if it's tiredness as i did 6 shifts in a row now and very little needed to trigger me or the sudden urges or edited posts?. Maybe everything just came together at once.

Somone from GC called me this morning. Hand on heart i cannot remember the conversation as my head was a mush after nighshift plus still a bit of anger in my system. Thankful for follow up email as it gave me some perspective what i was talking about to adviser.

At the end of the day i get what they expect from me and i hope i put my message accross a bit clearer now explaining my feelings.

Im not going back on moderation as yet and that cut the stress in half as a knife immediately. I guess i was upset that after 8 years on here, i still cannot manage my feelings and words which i should know so much better by now....?

Ummm...Stephen thanks for the songs choices..i didn't look into them but will on my rest days..

Rest days...im greatful im nearly there. Its been stressful set..I'm looking forward to put tree up tom/tues and feel a bit festive again. Also want to spend more time with lil girl. Feel like i didn't see her for a week..as its work/sleep/repeat routine.

Thank you all again for the support. That's what this place is all about. When one is in crisis, everyone comes as one to offer that arm to hold onto and be lifted bk up even just a little. I appreciate it.

No gambling...no gambling.

S&B xx

Happy to see your entry today in your diary Sandra. I have been worrying about you all day and very relieved that the misunderstanding has been resolved. I am really proud of you.

Be careful not to overdo the workouts ?‍♀️?️‍♀️?‍♀️but good to see keeping fit.

Best wishes & love to Bella (woof woof)

Stephen x 

Glad to see you sound more upbeat today Sb..glad u got the support u needed 

Good evening S&B

I am so pleased to see you are feeling so much better today and it’s great that you managed to get to the gym.
Life can be hard though and things are always so much worse when we are exhausted, those 6 shifts in a role must be draining and although I know there have been many times you’ve taken them in your stride and powered through, it’s the little things on top when we are already at full capacity that can tip the balance.

But it’s great to read your update today, and I really wanted to congratulate you, that despite reaching such a difficult point yesterday, your resilience shines through.

I am so pleased that you are almost there and through this stressful set. You deserve some down time so have fun decorating that tree but more importantly enjoy the time with your  Lil girl, I know you always treasure such moments as  will she. 

Take care and best wishes
ChrisK
Forum Admin

Hey both..thank you so much for the posts!

ChrisK, ...really appreciated you dropping in ? i know we both have strong connection with animals and ..as you know, it means a lot to this soul..also, thank you for inspiring thoughts, they helped to understand myself better.

Diary,

I made it..i honestly didn't think i would, road conditions given. I always tell lil girl that "i will be back soon, love you" on my departure...i didn't feel like that last night..i felt v tired and had a nagging thought that something may go terribly wrong..i would hate to lie to her...

Shift was ok. Even if i felt tired and  kinda physically sick ...i pushed through... it took me almost 2 hrs to get back home tho....road conditions were one of the worst this morning.

Lil girl does not greet me anymore. Maybe age..i dunno...its a routine for me to go upstairs and wake her from her slumber to go eat/potty. It also takes about 10mis to get her into gear...since the muscle incident i kinda make sure i massage her joints/muscles before she fully wakes up and jumps off the bed. Guess she enjoys the rubs and after a good few yawns and a stretch, she is on her way. ..

I feel really exhausted today. Like, still from yesterday. I may have a lazy day today and write off gym...managed to have a mini workout at work  anyway so not that bad.

Ummm....not much else to say really. Need my sleep and maybe "normal" day in. May even put tv on tonight.

Light urges but nothing too dramatic as few days ago. Sure i can manage them

Blessings all.

S&B xx

Hi s&b hope your well

I just wanna say thankyou for your response regarding chatroom and everyone receiving support it was beautifully written 

?

Hi diary & thanks Lou!

Yesterday's topics on the forum were quite..hmmmm..strange. it was like calling our for the fight and picking at words we says/subjects share. No way on earth i would of attended chat last night following those comments and as i see..something did happen to upset users.

I kinda agree with Bal, GC slowly losing focus. We are addicts! And we try our best to stay in recovery..and recovery covers all subjects we deal with in life. 

Anyway. I am not here to stir stuff. On fine line myself  so better stay safe me thinks and dont get too involved in debates here.

Put tree up yesterday. 20 quid for so tiny one ?...put it on a chair lol so it looks taller and maybe keeps Bella away! She did her sniffing and happy dance around it whilst i decorated with Xmas music on! It was peaceful 25mins really...like the lights on and feel a bit festive.

Day two being off and not long got up..needed my sleep indeed! Gotta take lil one out and hopefully enough energy for the gym ?

Am not too bad nor too good...about in the middle maybe..which is also ok.

Stay safe all,

Blessings

S&B xx

Good morning diary ??...

Oh yeah, my mornings are more like afternoons! Dont think my body wants to adjust back to the day/night times. Went for a walk with lil girl like at 1am this morning..crazy i know but i guess one of the reasons we slept well also!

Had a good gym session yesterday however today am in pain. Knee gone again (dodgy one) and upper back/shoulders feels a bit stiff! Netherless, off i go to the gym shortly again. Trying to catch up on my fitness and o*g its so good for my mental health!...saying that, worked out hard but partied harder last night ?

Umm, wrapped presents and it was quite therapeutic really. Glad its almost done and dusted tho..im not exactly Xmassy person. For that reason i dedicated my time for work this year and allowed colleagues with new families to have that magical time together! Best present ever huh, liked to see smile on their faces when offered to cover their shift ?

Time off is flying. Can't believe im back in soon. Dont feel rested but, could be worse i guess. The days off are really welcome after last set. It was manic indeed!

So, no urges and i keep thinking of my lil breakdown earlier this week. Still can't work out why i got affected this bad. It was scary emotions to have...

..but, moving on!

Take care all, stay safe

S&B xx

Hi sb

Very kind of you to think of your colleagues for christmas i bet they really appreciated it.

Im glad your feeling better and not having the urges 

Lou x

 Diary,

I checked work e-mails today. Kinda unsettled me.

The ones who works 9-5 has no clue what im going through! Now, i went to the transfer and they just ignored me with some bull...old good bull..lawful excuses..lol..

I lastly send a form to my boss...lawful also..we fight the same guns huh...near miss form. Do you know how it feels not to  understand how you're getting home? How you  gwt surprised you reach your destination? And how awful you feel knowing that you could easily take another innocent life without your consciousness?

This pushed stuff forward..my boss boss (everyone fears to spk to) send an email..to all departments involved..almost bollocking..but now i feel things will get moving!

My point being..i save lives...can you save mine?

I also realised that my world is well f****d up for general eye. None of you understand me and my reasoning in life..and again, its alright..we must be different in this world.

Feel a bit agitated, maybe need to dig deeper to find the reason..but also, maybe..im.terrified of the change..which is coming inevitably.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Im up early today. Got an apt so no luxury if sleep. Very poor sleep overnight. Many intrusive thoughts kept me awake.

Dont feel the best today. Physically and mentally. When im back from apt, i plan just to go to bed, wrap up and stay there. 

Depression at its peak today. I must stay kind to me and make correct choices. Maybe enough of running..just stay still and rest.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Still nearing 500 days g free and its quite warming to know that i didn't give up when felt like it on so many occasions....hard work and resistance/persistence pays off.

I did over 15hrs shift yesterday and towards the end didnt know if im coming or going. Head stopped working completely. I know i have a lot to do today following yesterday's challenges.

Something traumatic i had to deal with and even if horrific images followed me all day i was quite surprised i didn't have nightmares. Maybe too tired...must of been as didn't sleep day/ night before so body and nature made its own verdict on my mind...good, as rest was needed. I can deal with trauma again today, little by little it will get easier. Plus support at work which i will take on this time cause doubt i will manage emotions myself.

Oh wow..anyway, back to work for me and hoping 10 hour shift as planned and not extra 5 hrs today ??

Stay safe all, blessings, aknowledge life and grateful things it brings. It can end at any time..

S&B xx

Well done on your gamble free period amazing that you dont let any other struggles defeat your recovery

Loulou x  

Hi diary,

Thanks Lou....

Im not in a good way. Really struggling mentally. What i went through two days ago may of been straw what broke camel's back.  I dont know why support is not here yet? 

I cannot  concentrate at work. I keep spacing out and subconsciously going back to the events. Like im hardly present all dy yesterday. Horrible nightmares which woke me up shaking and almost having panic attack. Danger & death ones...it's very difficult.

The events will be all over national news soon if not yet there. I cant even bring myself to put tv on or read newspapers. Local fb groups are enough. Everyone is shocked, its devastating..truly is.

I dont know how to cope. 

I will go in to work hoping someone comes forward asking me of i need to talk about how i feel. I am truly ready to take help on this time. I can't do this on my own.

No gambling tho...oh i wish i could escape myself...

S&B xx