...

Sandra & Bella are doing ok

Playing & smiling and barking all day

No worries or fears for life is great fun

With a dog by your side as you run in the sun

And should a nagging doubt try to spoil it all

Let peace and calm flow lovingly through body, mind and soul 

So glad your girl is better. Now concentrate on getting u better x

Yeah, thanks all..

Haven't been the best of days really..but..thats how my life goes. ..

I fled home some time ago.. i almost didn't have time to put the bed setting bk upstairs Chris K...i just fled. With my girl of course.

Have no intention of coming back...if i do, its only for a short while.

Umm, i didnt gamble and thats a plus. Knowing i have access to gambling sites i still forgot i blocked my bank cards..uuuush....stopped in my tracks right here! Thanks bank!

What upset me today is not that much of a chat... (i deal with all sorts in my job..thank you very much!)

What was it....it was my nephew..where i had to drop him off to some training. He asked to be dropped off further away..and i asked why .  He wouldn't say but it was clear in his face. He is ashamed of me...since his mates are all *i know it all* they do not approve me as a person...ouch...ever thought that job can get in a way? ...here we go.

I picked him up well late...we didn't speak much..i felt hurt...maybe peed off too.i lost the connection with him...only cause i do right by struggling ppl...yeah, fair enough, i may not come accross like that on here. I don't really  care. Life teached me evil & violence. Yet, i wouldn't hurt anyone unless i can justify it.

That's about it. Not good person but holding on my life. Bells got more good memories to have with me and that's what matters the most at this difficult time of mine.

Apologies for aft chat 

I shall leave everyone at peace now

S&B xx

Hi diary,

My parents gave me quite large amount to me for my bday..well, since im struggling financially, this is really big money for sure. 1st thought? Get my nails done lol...second thought - put £100 on scratchcards. I almost fantasized the second thought. Why is that?because, its not my hard earned cash...and then, maybe a bit of self sabotaging on the menu?

Feel relieved financially but also a bit on the edge. Spared me couple of shifts overtime i guess so that's a relief. 

Mentioned 1k sister owes me yesterday. Got her off guard really as she didnt expect it. Well, the deadline to give it back was Jan...so she is quite late i should say...eventually, turned my comment into a joke...i kinda feel i will never see that money again. On the other hand, we work together as a team (sisters and a that) and she does help me a lot. Not sure if she has a calculator on the side counting the times she took lil girl in, prepped food for me or provided a bed for the night when i couldn't drive back home. I guess all these comes at a cost...and i fully agree with that.

Girl is better. Took her for a lovely walk today. Allowed her to run free for a bit. Not taking her to the river no more as....i think i am just so fearful something will happen to her joints again... i watched her sleep yesterday, kinda puts me in trance also. She now has 3 grey strands in the back of her head...yes, i counted...her snout is all white now, and eyebrows..looks like she is aging daily...even the paws are all white now...i would give EVERYTHING to buy many more years for her life....everything...and here we go,...breathe....no need tears whilst expressing love for your pet...no need saddness S...she is here and well....

-----------------------

Slept very well last night. First night in many..passed out really as had a bit too much but at least slept all night.

Back to the coal place soon. Another week of stress and risks...but it is what it is.

So am a bit 50/50 really. Thought (and i mean THOUGHT)about excersice today..maybe gradually i get back to it...it all starts with the thought..correct?

Stay safe all, take care

S&B xx

Hey you sound a bit brighter I'm so glad. Our 6 year old shepherd has a white chin now it amazes me that things that happen like hair going white also happens to them with age. Still what we can do is treat them the best we can and love them the most we can while we have them. I know your girl has buckets full of love. Take care and carry on getting a little better every day x

Hi Charlie...thanks for the post. That is true, all we can do is give them the love and care each and every day...and of course enjoy the moments we have...

Diary,

Had couple of stressful days...but saying that, every day is stressful in my line of work. I voice myself to colleagues that i am not stressing as simply...i cannot do so due to my physical health (oh yeah, it affects me big time!!) however they soon tell me off or distract me when notice me cursing at computer screen or generally swearing whilst going about my bussiness. I guess they learned to read me by now. Simple -"S, what you're stressing about now"...brings me back from such state and forces me to think...to think, if all of this is really deserving my nerves?..usually it doesn't but its all about how we all perceive stuff. I guess, i am still...a perfectionist...which just puts pressure on my already tired mind..

So that's that. 

Still no excersice and i am struggling of getting back to it. Who knows me from here, knows how active i was for the whole year. I kinda had a routine and life seemed a bit better place from my point of view...now, very unhealthy routine. ....i still didn't give myself a chance to sober up...i do know that if i carry on down this road, i will end up with many negative things...from health, to life and the rest....soo..somebody needs to make some changes here i suppose...i want to, but without support i feel i can't...we shall see i guess....

Lil girl...well....beautiful/gorgeous princess. I still see her as the only bright element in my life. Absolutely...she has saved me from myself (the dark side of me) and i shall be greatful forever.

I took her home last night. Still not keen of this place really...still flashbacks..

The steps...literally step at a time approach. I was thinking about it whilst watching her rest last night. The incident was just like that...a step at a time approach....when she was in enormous pain, i gently asked her to take step at a time...down the stairs...so i can get her into the car to see doc. Each and every one. It was so painful to watch but ....how interesting this is huh?...12 steps?...literally....step at a time + support + love + trust = road to recovery.

I simply never left her side through all this and i know how important it is to have that someone next to you.

Thats all i had to say. The whole 12 steps just gave me the whole new meaning.

No slots....345 days. Happy with my progress..

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Boo day at work. Just didn't feel it today at all. One of those moods. Ppl asked - i was honest and said the same..just feel s**t.

My physical stomach pain is not going away.  I spent about 6hrs in hospital and even if was not there for myself was thinking to get it checked out whilst im there...but i didnt..just sucked pain up...

When left home i had a feeling i forgot something. Yes i did. Forgot to leave light on for little girl..so that played on my mind all day...and so got back in speedy time...50 mins cutting 20mins of usual time. She is ok...greeted me ?...soo happy for that!!

Had bad thoughts all day. Almost suicidal.  

I Aboslutely hate death if im honest. Hate the smell of death...but if you dead, you don't smell it yourself right?...but others does and so,...its not pretty...not pretty at all...i don't know. The thought scares me too. Couldn't do that to lil girl, sister, parents...but...what one supposed to do them? How to get out of this mind funk?

Ummm..but yay, no gambling..lets keep positive right..

While life has to be so complicated for me? No friends, difficult days....no motivation...anger outbursts...

God pls save me going forwards as i started to loose my s**t..

Thats me.

Laters diary

S&B xx

Hiya... I do understand the "almost suicidal" thing. Iv'e just been writing about it in my diary. For me its like am not sitting here planning ways to end my life but on the other hand if someone showed up and said I can flick a switch and your life would end id prob say "yeah go on then"... in a matter of fact kind of way, without much thought... so its probably best that that doesn't happen. I think life is just complicated full stop. I think your anger goes outwards and I just stuff mine inside for it to re-emerge sideways as gambling or some other self-destructive behaviour. We struggle to manage our emotions, that's the bottom line. Support everyone else but not ourselves.

BUT your not gambling, so thats gotta be a good thing. Keep it up

S.A x

Dear @sb28

I am reading your post and feeling so sorry that you are having such a difficult time.

It sounds like the physical pain that you mention does need some medical attention and I hope that you have manged to overcome your reluctance to seek some help and talk to your GP about it. Living with pain is not easy and it always makes other things seem so much worse. So it’s important for both your physical and mental health that you look after yourself.

I’m also concerned to read about you having almost suicidal thoughts and your despair. Please know that there are people out there who can help and listen to you. The Samaritans are there for you as are we. You can talk to them on 116 123 and if you go to their website there are other options on to how to get in touch - https://www.samaritans.org/ .

We are here 24 hours a day 7 days a week and would encourage you to call on 0808 8020 133 or use our netline to talk to one of our advisers.

Kind regards

Jo

Forum Admin

Hey...

You don't need to worry about me..

Im resilient, strong, determined, safeguarded by angels & Bells, committed, ...blessed...

Even if all this what i just pointed out makes me extremely sad (d**n you S!!!!)...im good. Im just good..for another day.

I know where you  & help are..and i hope you know also where i am .....if  times are difficult...hand in hand we go.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Well...i made it.....

...dragged my sorry a*s (plus 3 chins) to the gym. Dear oh dear..its gonna be such a difficult journey back to where i was. I struggled with run..just 3.5k complete..i struggled with weights and my arms are still shaking like crazy. 

Feel like my hard job for 15months prior pandemic has been completely wiped out. I almost wanted to cry when couldn't lift the weights i used to...but...

But i can rebuild can't i? Yes..just need that motivation & determination again.

I didnt eat yet today..nor yesterday. Should of done before gym as now just feel deflated. .sigh

Come back this morning from yet another challenging shift. Went to bed around 10am..lil girl woke me up at noon..she needed to go out ya see..bless her lil paws. She has such an awesome way of waking me up..just comes near the bed, puts paws on and makes this lil sound...it's not a bark nor a cry...its a little grunt lol...i went downstairs still with eyes closed, let her out and back in again. We slept till 16:00 after that. ..she is one amazing girl and i love her so so much! She has 5 grey strands on the back of her head....God...pls stop the time 🙁

That's me. Really tired.

But no gambling.

Blessings - stay safe

S&B xx

Diary,

Back from a shift. Been tiresome...physically active one. My body hurts from recent excersice (back to the gym) and today's antics didn't help my current physical health at all but it is what it is...was stomach pain free for 2 days (thank you lord!!) However it returned few hours ago...few pills i popped and so feel like its going away...

Another shift in few hours and even if its really quick turnaround...i will not complain seeing my pay check i guess. This week will be tough. 8 shifts in a row...but i can do it...can't i?...

Ummm..came back to the house smelling not so much of roses...not sure what happened with lil girl but looks like she had a P**s/s**t fight! She never soils house but today....upstairs spare bedroom looked a right mess. The rug went straight to bin...not sure if she ate something to have runners or just basically had a "dirty protest" for me leaving her alone all day?...

All is ok..cleaned up, refreshed. Im just too tired to dig deeper really. She is all so guilty it already broke my heart....I dont know what's gone on, but guess she just couldn't keep it all inside...maybe my bad...?...maybe...but she knows the routine of wee and so on before i depart for work...so just don't know why today was different..anyway,..Just glad she is ok. She ate and now just back to her post of "neighbourhood watch"...

No gambling and nearing a year g free comes with deep thoughts, reflection and fear of relapse..but, ahead we go huh...step at a time - day at a time.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Hi SB28 almost a year that's awesome. Just a thought has the warm weather upset your girl it does our 2 especially the youngest one she's been right off yesterday and today. Funny story our first shepherd Cass firework night worried about her this was before our lovely son. So we stupidly thought it would be a good idea to shut her in the quietest darkest room so she could have some peace and quiet....... Wall to wall s**t up the walls skirting boards !!!! In fairness she was our first dog... Expensive lesson even the carpet had to go lol reminded me when you said you had to chuck the rug . Take care x

Hi Charlie..bless your heart! Its so hard to understand what goes wrong with our fur babies huh...its double heartache when they cannot tell really....

Few nights ago i had an opportunity to have my max 5hrs sleep after yet another tiring shift. Wasn't that lucky...lil girl didn't feel well and every hour asked me to let her out..she still had runners...?...however last night was a different story..she slept soundly (& on the bed!!!) all 5 hrs i had spare for sleep!amazing...she is better now, thank God..she really worried me recently...

Diary,

Feels like Wednesday for some reason..but its only Monday. I completely lost track of days. Do such long shifts that all is left is just try and sleep (if circs allows!!)..

Only half way through through my mini work marathon and already feel so exhausted.

But im here...no big dramas (on my part)...safe, sound, g free...

That is all for now...well deserved 10hrs rest as its better turnaround tom and so...gym in the morning (fingers crossed!)

All the best all...

355 days & counting...

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Nearing a year mark...slowly. but what does it matter huh? Recent events made me feel just like that..

I never had an ambulance at my door let alone been swifted off to hospital with concerns for my health. I guess first to everything.

Appears im ok..or, in other words - im not ok but nobody knows whats wrong with me.

And so i was just discharged after hundreds of tests being complete. Still feel S***e which means my mini marathon at work will not be complete this time.

Now...it's a rest time for me...pain has to be ridden out  ..

No gambling..at least.