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Hi..Thank you both so so much...the posts put my heavy heart at ease a little..i appreciate your support Chris and SA.

Today i thought that i did pretty well..I didn't cry ya see...until now. ..because i started thinking, again. ..sigh...its difficult.

My family and her cousin visited last night. It brought joy to me and lil girl. She appeared her old self again...until i had to give her her medication...

She is recovering tho..i took her to a very quiet park today. We had a stroll...she loved it..

She eats and finally managed no2 on her walks..she struggled last 4 days but now i am a bit at peace since she went. Greatful for the advice vet gave me yesterday when i frantically returned concerned about that issue...

I..i am depressed. I know that and i feel that. It all has just changed like a cut with a knife. Im glad i done most of the decoration before this unfortunate incident as ...now i do nothing. Curtains been drawn since 11am today. I stay in bed in the room...cook and look after her of course but zero other things on my mind. Lost love for life...i have..

Still not sure if i will be able to return to my bedroom. Thats where the episode happened with her screaming in pain & fitting..or more like, getting frozen in pain. Will never forget what my eyes have seen...:-(

Its almost a year on no online gambling ....this is good. I did get a scratchcard today tho. Not sure why. I am a bit dead walking. I just asked for it...scratched it and binned it. No emotion...nothing..i don't even know why i bought it...maybe for a minute thought of a lucky escape hitting a jackpot and not having to return to work. ..i don't want to go back. I am no longer who i am..

Anyway,..that's me.

I truly appreciate your support Chris and SA...Chris, we have had few discussions in the past and i am very happy and blessed that you understand me. ...The bond with pets can be as strong as with humans...and you seem to get it...thank you.

Blessings all, stay safe

S&B xx

Hi SB28. Sometimes bond is stronger as dogs don't judge and give unconditional love. They dont care if you're fat,thin ,ugly ,pretty. Don't care if you couldn't be bothered to do your hair and make-up. When I had my first miscarriage I was griefstricken and depressed we decided to get our first German shepherd Cass she was a joy and so naughty lol but I had to make an effort get up and take care of her nurture her she saw me through 4 miscarriage in all before we had our longed for baby boy. She fell in love with him at first sight they were thick as thieves the pair of them. We thought our son liked ham sandwiches until we caught him feeding Cass the ham and he was eating the bread and butter. Fast forward son is now 15 we have Jinx 6yrs and Magi 1yr( must not leave out Koko who was our 2nd lovely girl ). My son has my love of dogs and in fact all animals. So I understand how you feel and I'm hoping both of you feel a little better every day.

Hi charlieboy ...thank you so much for such heartwarming post. You have gone through so much and i am only so pleased to read that you had four legged companions alongside you all the way! The emotional support they provide is magical!...Bread and butter huh....cheeky but excellent partners in crime ?. Dogs gives us more than we realise and its just simply a blessing in our lives.... wish you well & hope you're looking after yourself and a little "gang" you have in your household  xx

Diary,

A bit better today. She continues to show strength, motivation and eagerness to bounce back! Taken her for a walk and she found a treat in a shape of a football ....so yup, can imagine how active and alive she became! Football is not shredded yet but of course was brought back in my back garden as she just would not let go of it!..simple things huh...i wish i could bounce back to life after having a game with a ball lol..

Vets tomorrow and even if i dont have many concerns recently, we shall see what doc says.  She is not displaying pain or discomfort which is a blessing indeed. We are still down stairs and even if she escaped to her "office" upstairs last night to do all her favourite neighbourhood watch stuff...she came back down and spent rest of the evening downstairs.. im gonna leave the setting as it is. I dont even go upstairs myself except to use the toilet...

So that's me. Maybe fix something to eat for myself as feeling a bit on a weak side physically. Maybe a little fitness class (online) will follow later on. Shall see how i get on.

Stay safe all, blessings....and thank you charlieboy again...your comforting words truly appreciated xx

S&B xx

I'm so glad I took the time to reply. If I made you smile or feel a little bit of lightness when you are so down then I've achieved a good thing. I really hope that you can feel a little better every day and I think you will as she gets stronger. She seems to be enjoying her exercise that's good and I know you don't like the effect the medicine has on her but she's showing you that it's working. Keep the 2 of you safe and sending wishes from my 2 girls to your girl xx

Hiya Sandra 

Just wanted to stop by and say you've done amazing and I hope your proud off yourself and inspiration you pass on to us all for that I thank you and wish you all the best 

Thank you @charlieboy and Kev....Charlie, i left a reply on your diary but not sure if you seen it because due to current circumstances of my account, they appear in a later time ...wrote the post from the heart so guess wanted to make sure you got it...

Diary,

A bit heavy heart today. I so don't like to give her the medication. She just goes so...drowsy and...just different dog altogether. When i gave it to her this morning, i knew i have about an hout before it starts working...so i took her to the park where we had a good walk round it...twice. She also had her brekkies, plenty of water and a bit of crazy running around ...almost zoomies...this however made her sick a little and i had to make sure that the tablet is not spat out...which it wasn't..

Now she sleeps...we gotta go to vets in the next few hours and i am a bit anxious.  She doesn't show signs of pain but im terrified if this will happen again. ..what if im at work and she suffers in such pain?...o*g..i cannot bare thinking of this...

Gonna ask vet about joint supplements or even CBD oil. I read some are legal with vets prescription so shall see what they say...anything to help her if she feels in pain or her muscles/joints are aging as time goes by...and so provides discomfort.

Thinking if should paint at least one door. The thing is i struggle to stay upstairs..its the memory ....cant believe all this traumatised me so much! My heart still hurts but i am doing slightly better as didn't cry yesterday and ...kinda stopping the eyes welling up today..

That's me. It is what it is. We work with what we have and deal with emotions accordingly.

Blessings

S&B xx

Hi hope your lovely girl is a little better again today and therefore you will feel a bit better too. Let's say my relationship with my husband is something that I'm not ready to address as my son is 15 has a close relationship with his dad and I want to give him a few more years of the stability of both parents. He knows that me and his dad have difficulties but as our relationship is not physically abusive or lots of bad arguments I'm not willing at the moment to change things. If things got to affect my son that would be different. So I'm going along at the moment my feeling at the moment is eventually I want to live alone. Spoke to the counsellor about it this morning, she said id" sowed  a seed"..... So I'm guessing I'm waiting to see what grows !! Take care of you and your pup x

Hiya SB28

I'm so sorry to hear about your companion as I lost my beloved meisha 4mth ago and people may think me weird but it hit me worse than when my mum died. We got her as a rescue when she was about 8mth old. Strange dog but beautiful with it she was a cross between a staffy and a spanial so you imagine a staf with a long coat and spaniel ear's, I've got very fond memories, you know with all our rabbits she would play in the run with them so gentle just a wonderful companion. She took a fit out back and you could see she was just holding on. We called the vet out to the house later on that day as we just knew it was time and she hated vet's so we wanted her to go at home in piece, the vet was amazing gave her some sedation and went out to the car giving us as much time as we needed to say our goodbyes. Then came in and let her go to sleep. You know she was about 18yrs old and had a good life with us and there is no way I would ever get another dog as no one would replace my meisha, so I know where your comming from my friend and I pray everything goes well for you as the bond can't be replaced or broken. I will be looking out for the happiness comming back from the vet's good luck 

Hiya SB28

I'm so sorry to hear about your companion as I lost my beloved meisha 4mth ago and people may think me weird but it hit me worse than when my mum died. We got her as a rescue when she was about 8mth old. Strange dog but beautiful with it she was a cross between a staffy and a spanial so you imagine a staf with a long coat and spaniel ear's, I've got very fond memories, you know with all our rabbits she would play in the run with them so gentle just a wonderful companion. She took a fit out back and you could see she was just holding on. We called the vet out to the house later on that day as we just knew it was time and she hated vet's so we wanted her to go at home in piece, the vet was amazing gave her some sedation and went out to the car giving us as much time as we needed to say our goodbyes. Then came in and let her go to sleep. You know she was about 18yrs old and had a good life with us and there is no way I would ever get another dog as no one would replace my meisha, so I know where your comming from my friend and I pray everything goes well for you as the bond can't be replaced or broken. I will be looking out for the happiness comming back from the vet's good luck 

Thank you Charlie and Kev...Kev...so sorry to hear about your loss...it broke my heart to read such saddness that Meisha had to cross the rainbow bridge. . You were truly good parent to her and so, please take pride in it. They say that we can never replace the heartache following passing of a loved one, it does change our lives... however there are so many loving souls out there waiting and willing to give their love and loyalty...its not a replacement of one...its giving a loving life to another..

Made me smile reading the uniqueness in Meisha! Bless!!! Sounds like a gorgeous dog...Bella is also the same, special in her own way...only one ear and few teeth missing lol...she is the prettiest of the girls on this earth...ppl say there is no perfect in life - whola - here she is ?...

Vet gave us all clear...prescribed more medication for a week just to stay on a safe side. She does not like vets much either however, proudly followed the doc inside and allowed her to fo the checks of pulling amd throbbing...bless her lil paws!

I would like to thank all of you for your support...from the very start uptil now..for all the silent prayers also...GamCare, also thank you for publishing the posts. I know i do not speak much about gambling ?....

I shall try and get on with my life. Still  hurting but am hoping for continued progress in mine and Bellas life. Thank you everyone.

Blessings

S&B cx

Hi diary,

Oh i struggle. Was thinking that me banging on about pandemic not affecting me is not true. ..the lack of gym deffo affected my mental state. I now completely stopped excersicing...curves....they are coming back with extra something i am not happy with...yet, i have zero motivation for anything..it's been a month now i guess and the further i go, the more i am disappointed with my body and the less motivation i have to get a grip again..

To top it off, i had such stressful recent weeks/days that my mysterious stomach pain has returned..so yeah, in pain again..and still no answers of what it is..

I know i must count my blessings..im here, family ok...girl is better!! But i just so so struggle with dark thoughts..day in day out. Suicidal thoughts. Its pretty dark to lead life in such state however i am. Day in day out...but i still want to leave this world. I cant tho. Cant leave my girl. ...this however does not defeat the fact that i still think about it..its sad, truly is...what a S****y merry go round in tbis head huh..

Urges has been strong too. I have means to gamble tbf. Am not at home and have access to devices which are not blocked..its appealing...but deep down i fear i will follow through with my suicidal thoughts if i go for it...so...the scales are on...i need to try and weigh them to the right side.

Counselling i Applied a year ago came back to me few days back. Its regarding historic sexual abuse/rapes. I refused it. If they have a year waiting list...that means demand for such help is massive and so i passed my place to someone else, who probably needs it more. I simply accepted the fact i guess and learned to live with it..i have here and now to deal with as it is (read above) and digging into the past may not be the best of options...

Here we go. That's me.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Good evening SB28,

Firstly can I just say how pleased I am to hear that your girl is well again, I know what a worry it was with her being so poorly, so I am delighted to hear that she is better. That is great news, so I hope you have both been able to move back upstairs. 

In regards to the counselling for the historic sexual abuse, although it is really thoughtful of you to give up that space as you feel someone else may be need it more, may I suggest that you try to put your needs first? I understand that this may be difficult, but you deserve the counselling just as much as anyone else. When I see how far you've come with the gambling and how hard you've worked to get to this point, I wonder if the counselling could provide a next step forward for you?

I recognise that only you can make the decision for what is best for you, but so long as that decision is based on what is best for you, rather than you putting someone else's needs above your own. 

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin

Thanks Chris   ...

Bella is better..i love her so much...its good to see her recovering ..

Past trauma is in the past. I deal with this from 3rd parties recently...no good to seek help myself huh? Im cool anyway. f**k the b******s who hurt me.

I kindly declined the offer..there are nore ppl desperate for help 

I...too..rather dead me thinks...not for YOU..for ME...this time..just..not today

Mate, the day you learn to put your own needs first, is the day you will have found the key to all of this. Truly. I have never been more certain of anything in my life.

With love,

f x

Hiya SB28 

Just seen your post and filled me with joy to know Bella is doing well, that's started my day off with happiness. I so glad for you and Bella as I know you'll spoil her every minute of everyday. The love we have for our dog's if only people were as loyal. Wishing you all the best my friend