...

Dear @sb28,

I have just been reading your posts as of late and I am feeling reassured and uplifted that you are doing much better than perhaps you give yourself credit for. It is not uncommon that when a person stops gambling the reasons, they gamble start to manifest. This certainly sounds like they have for you. However, you are meeting life’s responsibilities without turning to unhealthy behaviours such has gambling.

Your job sounds very challenging especially now as this involves changes. Changes can bring up fears and insecurities in people. That you have had urges to gamble and have not acted upon them shows you can meet these current challenges. When looking at the responses you get from your dairy entries says you are not on your own even though you may feel that way. The people on here do care for you, as you do for them. It can be enough just to look after oneself in recovery from gambling, especially in the beginning. Please ‘give yourself a break’ no need to be too hard on yourself and add more stress. No doubt that the decorating is keeping you busy and that you are starting to see the fruits of your labour.

Maybe now the lock down restrictions are slightly easing it may be worth considering what you would like to do for enjoyment or have fun. After all it is ok to enjoy life. This could be looking into a new hobby, interest or class that works around your shift, so as your life feels more balanced.

In the meantime, please continue to write your posts as they are a great inspiration to myself and others on here. If for any reason you do need to talk or get support with anything remember we are here 24hours 7 days a week to help and support. Do not hesitate to call us as your worth it.

Wishing you all the best,

Darren  

Forum Admin

Thank you admin...

...

Any way, i did well..decorating goes well. Managed the most tough wall...

I still have loads to say but no words coming out...maybe tomorrow.

Blessings, stay safe all

S&B xx

Thank you admin for editing my post..guess you know the best..

Diary,

I have had this illusion last night...dont ask me why.

But it was difficult. My lil girl passed and I've seen in my illusion burrying her in the garden...and immediately i saw myself there..crying...all day/night..longing..just in the garden, laying on the grave...

So, yes, i cry of such thought... but i also know its unavoidable.

I just know, when time comes, i cannot have her in the garden. I wouldn't cope. Have her ashes?how do you go about it? What if she dies in my arms? I wouldn't b able to pet her go at all...if at vets...same story...how do you let them separate from your arms/body? If u find her in my return from work, there is no change..i would cling to her..God.. why love is so difficult...why you make it so hard to let go...

I cannot take this thought..this, is indeed too much.

S&B ❤❤❤

Your doing mighty fine. Good luck with your change of work location. I hope it works out for you

S.A 🙂 x

Thank you SA, appreaciated comment ? xx

Diary,

6th day off and i still get over 12hrs sleep every night. Almost caught up with lack of it now i guess but i could hibernate some more too.

House is looking like a hone more and more. I move from one project to another in split minute. Here i paint walls, next i rip wallpaper off another room because i decided that also needs refreshing, to ripping floorboards because i can lay new ones also, to going heavy duty on the shrubs behind the garden which forces my fences out of place (so needs to go). 

I did a lot in the past 6 days....still managed to go for a long walks with lil girl but also to drink myself stupid every night. Still no exercise but no gambling either. Its the scales huh...still kinda having them balanced but guess its just the time/situation where it may weigh one way or another.

Am quite happy with the progress at home tho. The things you can do yourself! Unbelievable really..a bit of DIY and google vids and the transformation happening in front of your eyes.

Oh..i fell out with sis two days ago which stressed me a lil. Again, same argument. Why im such a mole in a hole! Why i dont want to socialise...blah blah. Well, its me ok! I dont like social events and if i get to stay at home, i will always choose that over everything else.

We usually dont speak for a while following arguments but she phoned yesterday and so i went round to pay my respects to brother in law with his bday.  Everyone happy i guess. Did the round trip within 4 hrs ans still managed to do some bits around the house...

Finances are..well...not sure how they are really. Better than it could be i guess even taking the consideration of expenses for decorating/renovation material. So i am not complaining.....that much. 

I do need to pick up on food tho. Stopped eating completely. Few coffees, a bun in a morning and off i go for the day..mind you, lil girl is always fed and i do cook her favourite chicken for her every two days.

Thats me. Some more diy is calling.

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

Well you say your not doing any exercise, but you are really... all that DIY am exhausted just reading about it! 

Well done on not gambling BUT 

EAT !!!! 

Get yourself a big fat takeaway and pig out 🙂

I tell you what I will do some of your drinking if you can do some of my eating. Am on about my twentieth piece of toast piece as i type 🙁

Take care

S.A 🙂 x

Hi SA,

Thank you. Yes you're right re the excersice. I feel completely worn out with body aching all over lol. Did tiling yesterday and NEVER EVER again! o*g why did i choose that.. 5hrs on my knees pressing lil buggers down and yet they did not stick!. Measuring and cutting them to shapes and sizes may look like interesting activity however no...not for me at all. Almost ok now tho..lol..cant even think of such task any longer.

And so it is. A week of DIY and i have only four doors and 3 radiators left to gloss over.  Which is the easiest task the others i managed given ?.

Its done, my house is my home now (and lil girl's). 

I will try to do some running or classes on the rest of my holiday. Was gonna paint fences but thinking maybe another time altogether. There is around 20 of them to paint plus they're different colours lol...

First time in a long time i have had strong urges last night. Kinda panicked that my holiday already half way through and i don't feel i had "me" time yet. Plus the adverts are more noticeable on tv even if most of them basically sends the same message " stay within limits, when fun stops - stop". I wonder why they advertise altogether? For me they're not selling it well if continues to warn about dangers it brings...which is a good thing on the other hand huh?

So yeah, still here and still g free.

Hope everyone is safe and well too.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

My mornings are getting earlier and maybe its a sign i have caught up with my body clock  and am a bit more like human.

Slept awful last night tho. Lil girl kept waking up and crying in pain and i still not worked out what hurts her. I thought it's one of the paws but after she woke up and did ger traditional morning stretches, all appears in order. She is not limping or crying...so that's mystery because she was unsettled all night and so was i trying to comfort her...

Ok..seems like another rainy one outside. I am almost done with house work. Getting slower and more reluctant to get on with it really...still managed 2 door and 1 radiator yesterday. ...slacked motivation for sure. Still 3 door left (i overcounted yesterday) and 3 radiators ?....bit by bit every day...come on, dont stop now S.

Thankfully no gambling..somehow talked mysefl outta that idea last night. Went for a late night walk amd just chilled. Thankful for such decision today. Another day to add to my tally up ?

Stay safe all, blessings

S&B xx

She is not well and it's driving me crazy!

I dont know if its joints or similar but i see the difference. She very playfully however cautiously attempts to jump up and place her beautiful paws on my waste or reach out for a cuddle and then she suddenly cries in pain and goes back down. ...she allowed me to check her legs over. ..as always, very patient girl. ..i didnt pull or prod or moved them around. ..there are no visible injuries and that's why i came to this joint conclusion.

Will have to go vets to see whats going on. Maybe weather?...or maybe she pulled it somewhere last night. She had a good run around and all looked ok until the middle of the night when she woke up in pain.

She has been resting most of the day. Does not seem like it is comfortable for her to walk...and so we didnt head out today yet..

I am in the heap of tears because how could my baby start going through these changes? Because 7 years old is pretty young, ..because i shower her with love and care and because i sooo need her in my life as she changed me as a person and taught me so much!

My baby girl....please get well soon ❤?❤?❤?❤?❤ xx

So following on from my last post...events rapidly escalated with my girl where i never felt so scared in my life. ...i thought she had a seizure or something...i never heard her cry so loud and so strong..and i never seen those eyes like that..fear and pain....and almost frozen stare..

I could not wait another day for vets. I rang up the only ones open and available and sobbed out the worries/ concerns i have. They registered Bells with their practice and asked me to come at 18:00.

5 minutes later she had an awful cry out again and just looked ....so so much in pain. Her body kinda seized up...this broke my heart irreparably and i rang back to vets saying im so sorry but i cannot wait, any chance we can come in now.

To some miracle they found a slot just 10mins later...i went downstairs to get the lead ready for her and of course she thought she is going for walkies..o*g...she tried her best to stand up...still shaking and crying...but she wanted to go out. It took good 8 mins to help her down the stairs and i never want to experience that pain having to see her hurting so much. ...we somehow managed to get to the car...still in pain and crying...

The vet took her inside and i just left outside waiting...crying...pacing...crying.

Its weird because just before we arrived there was a lady outside with a dog. The vet took the doggie and led it inside. The lady made her way to the car...in tears...we had split acknowledgment of each other...me crying and stroking lil girl in tbe back of the car and her painfully walking away from her  beloved pet (hopefully just temporary)...this made me think,..just how much love we have for our pets...how we go through the pain and suffering same as they do.. How loyal we are trying to repay the loyalty they show us...its endless...i sworn i will never have a pet again...simply cause i cannot see them hurt or age...its too much for me to bare ...

The vet taken lil girl back out. The news?she possibly sprained her back and right leg. ..which explains how she struggled to place that leg down and the whole seizure episode earlier on in bed...

She had a shot for pain and i left with medication for a week. Strict instructions to look after her and try and not allow her up the stairs...plenty of rest...back to the vet on Monday.

And so i set up a bed downstairs now. Thinking how to feed the bitter pill later on and just cuddle her for as much as i can. Medicine shot works...she is a bit gone out and just sits there staring to the distance.

I dont think i was so scared and defeated before. I felt powerless in taking the pain away. I could not do anything to comfort her. ..and this is truly difficult to experience.

I shall try my best to be there for her through her recovery...she is my little fighter...she is my world and she WILL pull through.

S&B xx

Hi Sandra,

Very scary to read your post and i miss my lad every day.

Sending you both lots of good positive thoughts and lots of hugs.

Best xx

Hello Sandra. 

Sorry to read that Bella has been hurting. I hope that she is feeling better today.

Take care dear friend.

Stephen x x 

Thank you Stephen and Bal xx

Im gonna try and type..writing the thoughts down is very difficult recently..i rather shut down and suffer in silence.

She is ok, on the road to recovery. I don't know how much of the future this event has changed but we must wait and see. I try to do my part and continue to be a good momma. We sleep downstairs now, i steadily re introduce her to calm and slow walk, we cuddle ....A LOT!

The event however taken something away from me. The zest for life maybe? Im Very fortunate to have her by my side but i cry so much just of the thought about what has happened and about what's to come. The light has dimmed in me, i really struggle to recover.

I get to see the glimpse of  brightest sparkle in her eyes in the morning and late evening, that's a  brief joy /blessing before i give her the medication...and  very soon after she changes into this tired and sleepy doggie, not much focusing on things..with those moments part of me silently shuts down also. 

My heart is truly heartbroken. I am  not sure if im allowed to feel the way i do or i need some sort of psychiatric help..have i lost it now?? 

Umm..its been 3 days since i turned to my higher power - god as i understand him and asked to pray and help heal her...3 days since i asked the whole universe to come together and also pray for her..and you know, thousands of people around the world did and still do..people i never met  before but ppl who knows how painful (and joyful!) to have a pet is.

Yet, im struggling...im very greatful of course ..but this acceptance and repairing of shock really comes at slow pace... i just don't know anymore.

Thank you Stephen and Bal for your kind words in this dark and painful hour of ours.

Blessings

S&B xx

Good evening Sandra,

I just wanted to say how sorry we are to hear that Bella is unwell.

She truly is an amazing support and companion so I completely understand how heartbreaking it is seeing her unwell. 

You are doing an amazing job with her, you have provided her with the best level of care she can get to recover from her injury. I am sure she is fully appreciating the extra cuddles she is getting and all the love you are showing her, including temporarily both moving downstairs.

Wishing Bella a speedy recovery, but please do take care of yourself too during this difficult time.

Kind regards

ChrisK

Forum Admin 

Cuddles for (((((Bella))))) and for Sandra too ((((You))))

Sending gentle woofs over the internet... in a non-mad way of course 🙂

S.A x